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my story

Old 06-18-2015, 05:37 PM
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my story

*

Recovery

1)*a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.
2)*the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.

Without

Days are lighter now. *Itís the only way I can describe it. *Iíve lost the weight that kept me anchored, all the things that stopped me dreaming. *That may not sound like a bad thing, starting to dream, but as I sip my lime-and-soda, I wonder if the nightmares mightnít come backÖ

Today

I donít go to meetings any more. *Each meeting is a promise I canít keep, or a lie that I tell. *The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. *Itís a desire I no longer possess. *For a while I had that drive, I held on to that hope, because drinking was wrecking my life. *Moments after I ďfellĒ from that window, I wondered, briefly, if I might not survive the impact. *I felt the back of my head and, in my heightened state of drama, I felt blood on my fingers. *There was no blood, no life-threatening damage ensued. *The ankle snapped. *I didnít hear it. *I was too busy listening to the rush of the breeze in my ears as I sailed- yes, I sailed- to the ground. *(To anyone elseís eyes, it must have looked like a plummet). *Through the haze of medication and alcohol, through the whispers and the shadows, I could feel only the darkness of unreality, closing me in yet leaving me lighter: falling, flying.

A week and a half later, after sliding up to my bedroom on my bum (crutches in one hand), I found the wine gone mouldy on my desk. *I felt intense desire; I felt intense hatred. *I felt, finally, that plummet, the plunge, that others had heard and seen but I not experienced.

I felt depth.

*I hobbled in to my first meeting filled with doubt and despair and hope, and found hope there. *In the dim candle-lit church hall, I found what they call identification. *Recognition of oneself in another, their stories all partially mine. *Heart at the base of my throat, I spoke, choked, imagining my tears lit up poetic by the tiny flames, yet hoping that that wasnít the case.

Weeks later, in the same place, I met my future sponsor. *And over the course if the months that followed, I found humour, and friendship, and a lightness I hadnít experienced in years. *Sometimes exhilarating, sometimes frightening. *Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly,*I found my way.

And now?

Well, I moved back to London. *I found similar support there and embraced it with what strength I could. *Tried hard to stay afloat where I felt myself sinking, to stay dedicated where I felt myself falterÖ but slowly, quickly, I lost my drive. *Circumstances got in the way; life got in the way. *And I experienced what ďtheyĒ would call relapse and I? *Simply a change, not a darkness or a brightness but a subtle move from one form of living to another.

For months, I assumed Iíd go back.

But as months passed, I began to re-learn myself. *I lacked one type of strength- the strength that allows others to stay stopped. *Yet I possessed another: that which allowed me to move through my life liberated from the vice-like (pun intended) grip that alcohol once held over my life. *I donít believe anyone can call themselves ďrecoveredĒ. *But I cope, and somehow, somewhere along the line, alcohol has lost its power to destroy, and I have developed the ability to enjoy.

It isnít easy. *Isnít. *Easy. *There are moments and will always be, where I feel I have made a wrong move, that it will hold me in checkmate (chess not my strong point) until I surrender to the madness or return to meetings through those ever-open swinging doors. *I would not be ashamed to turn back the way I came, if consequences became too dangerous, too dark. *But for now Iím not unhappy, not unsafe.

So why this fear, when I think about stopping- just for a month? *Iím in training for a half marathon. *Itís something- if alcohol is no longer a problem for me- that I should be able to do. *But I doubt, and I fear, and I waver. *I dread the lightness I referred to at the start, leaving the hope of dreams and the terror of nightmares wide open. *I fear for the strength that I lacked. *I fear the revelation that I canít, I canít, I*canít-*and what that would mean.

But what can I do but try? ďWhere can we live but days?Ē (Philip Larkin). *A month is made up of weeks, are made up of days, are made up of hours and the challenge, such as it is, is a minute-by-minute thing. *I learned that in meetings. *I learned that as part of a new way to live.

Recovered? *No.

But empowered?
Equipped?
Hopeful?

Well, hopeful.

I hope so.

***

Except I'm not sure any more. I'm not sure if I'm in control.
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Old 06-18-2015, 05:41 PM
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Hi DollPart

If alcohol is no longer a problem for you, then you can give it up completely, right?

That was my problem. Even when drinking was 'working' for me I always knew it would be a matter of time before I lost it.

I was the puppet not the puppet master
D
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Old 06-18-2015, 05:43 PM
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I'm really sorry you're still drinking, dollpart.

I hope you can find your way back.

We're here.
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Old 06-18-2015, 05:44 PM
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I feel lost.
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Old 06-18-2015, 05:47 PM
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Thanks guys.xx
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Old 06-18-2015, 05:47 PM
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Drinking will get you lost. I hope you can find your way back.
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Old 06-18-2015, 05:49 PM
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Why not post more regularly here? Join the Class of June support thread?

D
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Old 06-18-2015, 05:52 PM
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Thanks. I kind of feel weird about coming back
X
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Old 06-18-2015, 05:53 PM
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Keep talking. We are really glad you are here. We all know how hard it can be. I agree with Dee, join the June Class thread. It is really helpful to interact daily with others in the same spot in recovery.

Many ((hugs))
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Old 06-18-2015, 05:57 PM
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Thanks bimini, I really appreciate it.

I just feel like I don't know what recovery means now. I think I'm ok... I don't know.
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Old 06-18-2015, 06:03 PM
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Why is it that I used to get withdrawal symptoms and now I don't? Do they just go away or were they never real withdrawal in the first place?
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Old 06-21-2015, 05:37 AM
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Hey Dollpart, good to see you. I hope you come back to us. We are all here for you. Thanks for posting.
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Old 06-21-2015, 05:50 AM
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Hi Dollpart really nice to see you have you seen this SR sticky on having a plan

There are beautiful recovery books out there also

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rituality.html
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Old 06-21-2015, 03:45 PM
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How are things., dollpart?

D
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Old 06-21-2015, 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
How are things., dollpart?

D
Ok, I think. Thanks Dee.
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