recovery group messed me up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 133
recovery group messed me up
i got high on codeine yesterday. there's no more left in the house but i took it in lieu of going out and getting drunk as i figured it was a better option and i was standing by the front door ready to leave and get hammered. i still want to.
my local recovery group is called foundations of recovery. it has three tiers and the first is called foundations of change, followed by growth and the last one is life; it's held twice a week and the sessions are two hours long and they cover practical recovery strategies and tools needed to remain sober. it's a good group and i've enjoyed attending them and it's small so my anxiety hasn't been much of a problem.
yesterday though it turned out it was the final session of the first tier, from which me and this other guy were 'graduating'. i don't feel like i covered all the sessions as i'd missed a few but that didn't seem to be an issue with the keyworker running the group; he's a great guy and the first person i met there when i crawled there in a mess. the graduation would have been fine but apparently they do this for every tier, and they make a huge song and dance about it, and it was ******* awful for me. you get a certificate and everyone writes something positive on the back, which started my anxiety kicking off, and it only accelerated. everyone goes around the room telling you how they've seen you grow and then you have to speak bit about how you've felt over the sessions, and two of the managers came in and it was a nightmare for me. i was sweating, my palms were dripping and i couldn't see straight and i knew i was on the verge of an anxiety attack. i felt like i looked like a total idiot and it didn't help when one of the managers said i looked worried.
the keyworker started talking about how one morning he'd left to come to work and that he gets there a lot earlier that everyone else cause he has to open it all up, and he'd found 'a stray' (me) that morning on the floor outside of the building and the only thing i said was i needed help... then said when he was doing the assessment he was really taken aback by the stuff that i'd told him. that people come in and they're going to die if they continue but the way i'd been going about it, he believed i'd have died a lot quicker than most.
and i was sitting there trying not to fall apart and when i was asked how i feel i said i feel like drinking. i was taken in another room and then i just started crying in there while the keyworker talked to me trying to figure out why i was in a mess. i couldn't really respond very well but i ended up leaving and going home and getting high.
i don't want to go to any more groups now, i'm embarrassed to go back to the service and i've been in massive anxiety since yesterday and it's so acute i can't do anything to control it, i'm scared to talk to anyone or read anything or go outside because i know if the smallest thing happens i'm going to lose it and go on a bender. i threw up everything i tried to eat yesterday because of the anxiety and i've hardly left the bed.
i don't know what to do.
my local recovery group is called foundations of recovery. it has three tiers and the first is called foundations of change, followed by growth and the last one is life; it's held twice a week and the sessions are two hours long and they cover practical recovery strategies and tools needed to remain sober. it's a good group and i've enjoyed attending them and it's small so my anxiety hasn't been much of a problem.
yesterday though it turned out it was the final session of the first tier, from which me and this other guy were 'graduating'. i don't feel like i covered all the sessions as i'd missed a few but that didn't seem to be an issue with the keyworker running the group; he's a great guy and the first person i met there when i crawled there in a mess. the graduation would have been fine but apparently they do this for every tier, and they make a huge song and dance about it, and it was ******* awful for me. you get a certificate and everyone writes something positive on the back, which started my anxiety kicking off, and it only accelerated. everyone goes around the room telling you how they've seen you grow and then you have to speak bit about how you've felt over the sessions, and two of the managers came in and it was a nightmare for me. i was sweating, my palms were dripping and i couldn't see straight and i knew i was on the verge of an anxiety attack. i felt like i looked like a total idiot and it didn't help when one of the managers said i looked worried.
the keyworker started talking about how one morning he'd left to come to work and that he gets there a lot earlier that everyone else cause he has to open it all up, and he'd found 'a stray' (me) that morning on the floor outside of the building and the only thing i said was i needed help... then said when he was doing the assessment he was really taken aback by the stuff that i'd told him. that people come in and they're going to die if they continue but the way i'd been going about it, he believed i'd have died a lot quicker than most.
and i was sitting there trying not to fall apart and when i was asked how i feel i said i feel like drinking. i was taken in another room and then i just started crying in there while the keyworker talked to me trying to figure out why i was in a mess. i couldn't really respond very well but i ended up leaving and going home and getting high.
i don't want to go to any more groups now, i'm embarrassed to go back to the service and i've been in massive anxiety since yesterday and it's so acute i can't do anything to control it, i'm scared to talk to anyone or read anything or go outside because i know if the smallest thing happens i'm going to lose it and go on a bender. i threw up everything i tried to eat yesterday because of the anxiety and i've hardly left the bed.
i don't know what to do.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Hi lycanlaz.
Anxiety attacks are no small matter. I'm not going to advise you to just return to the recovery group, although I do believe you need to immediately contact that original first person you met on your first day. Good to hear you're not drinking alcohol. Taking codeine isn't great at all either but it's different than what alcohol would have probably done for you. It looks to me you have every intention of being sober.
Does the recovery team know about your anxieties? They seemed to not be really cluing in as to the body language and limited communications of a person in the grips of an anxiety attack, seems to me anyways. If they don't know, did you know about your anxiety? Sorry, I haven't time to go through your earlier posts, my apologies.
Anxiety is absolutely treatable. What do you think can be done about the anxiety you went through yesterday and any other times?
Hope you are feeling more relaxed. Please update us when you can.
Anxiety attacks are no small matter. I'm not going to advise you to just return to the recovery group, although I do believe you need to immediately contact that original first person you met on your first day. Good to hear you're not drinking alcohol. Taking codeine isn't great at all either but it's different than what alcohol would have probably done for you. It looks to me you have every intention of being sober.
Does the recovery team know about your anxieties? They seemed to not be really cluing in as to the body language and limited communications of a person in the grips of an anxiety attack, seems to me anyways. If they don't know, did you know about your anxiety? Sorry, I haven't time to go through your earlier posts, my apologies.
Anxiety is absolutely treatable. What do you think can be done about the anxiety you went through yesterday and any other times?
Hope you are feeling more relaxed. Please update us when you can.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Anxiety is treatable, and perhaps a visit to the doctor can help you to gain some control over it. It runs in my family and there are some good meds, non-addictive types, that help you to feel better. Anxiety affects more people than you can imagine.
Sounds like you are trying hard to stay sober..good for you!! Breathing deeply, and maybe do some research on anxiety online. there is a lot that can help.
good wishes !
Sounds like you are trying hard to stay sober..good for you!! Breathing deeply, and maybe do some research on anxiety online. there is a lot that can help.
good wishes !
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Anxiety won't kill you. And it won't make you insane. It just feels like it will. And one of the greatest antidepressants in the world is walking through the anxiety, and facing our fears. The feeling once we get to our destination, regardless of how trite or small a feat it is, has a snowball effect. We start to feel just a tiny little bit better about ourselves. And over time, we learn how to cope with, and eventually heal the anxiety.
While it seems you're in a horrible spot right now, truth is that as far as this disease is concerned, you couldn't be in a better place. Pain and suffering are what propelled me into healing. It wasn't until I hurt like you describe, that I was able to throw my arms up in complete surrender and say, "Do with me as you will!" to anyone and everyone who had their hand out to help. I was ripe. I was willing. I was ready with a wide open mind.
It sounds like that group is an awesome place. If you have email access, I'd email whoever you're closest to, this thread (or at least your initial post). Or call and tell them where you're at. Reach out to someone who can get you the help you need. It ain't over, in fact I've a feeling it's just beginning for you.
A slip doesn't mean people failed, or are no longer recovering. For some it's a very necessary step in the healing process. It hurts, it may seem like there's no longer any light at the end of the tunnel... but I, and many here who have been in the same spot can emphatically tell you that isn't so. There's just a turn in that tunnel, blocking off the light, that you can't yet see.
Reach out to someone in your area. Don't even think about it. Just do it. Now. Push through the fear and anxiety. It will feel like absolute sheeit! But it will be the start to further healing.
While it seems you're in a horrible spot right now, truth is that as far as this disease is concerned, you couldn't be in a better place. Pain and suffering are what propelled me into healing. It wasn't until I hurt like you describe, that I was able to throw my arms up in complete surrender and say, "Do with me as you will!" to anyone and everyone who had their hand out to help. I was ripe. I was willing. I was ready with a wide open mind.
It sounds like that group is an awesome place. If you have email access, I'd email whoever you're closest to, this thread (or at least your initial post). Or call and tell them where you're at. Reach out to someone who can get you the help you need. It ain't over, in fact I've a feeling it's just beginning for you.
A slip doesn't mean people failed, or are no longer recovering. For some it's a very necessary step in the healing process. It hurts, it may seem like there's no longer any light at the end of the tunnel... but I, and many here who have been in the same spot can emphatically tell you that isn't so. There's just a turn in that tunnel, blocking off the light, that you can't yet see.
Reach out to someone in your area. Don't even think about it. Just do it. Now. Push through the fear and anxiety. It will feel like absolute sheeit! But it will be the start to further healing.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I suffer from anxiety too Lycan. It was horrible during the last part of my drinking and early sobriety, but it did definitely improve with sobriety. Having said that, I finally realized that it was a separate problem in itself that I needed to treat appropriately. Just "not drinking" was not the cure.
You had mentioned that you have access to a lot of follow-up services at the rehab that you atteneded - maybe now would be the time to call and speak with one of the doctors or counselors about what's going on? Drinking and drugging will only make the anxiety and everything else worse...so you need to find a way to deal with it in a more healthy way.
You had mentioned that you have access to a lot of follow-up services at the rehab that you atteneded - maybe now would be the time to call and speak with one of the doctors or counselors about what's going on? Drinking and drugging will only make the anxiety and everything else worse...so you need to find a way to deal with it in a more healthy way.
Last edited by ScottFromWI; 06-18-2015 at 09:46 AM.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
Im sorry you're facing so much anxiety.
anxiety attacks are terrifying and it sounds like you were caught off guard, not my cup of tea either.
Have you tried any grounding techniques (not for everyone, sometimes they work for me, sometimes they don't) or anything else for your anxiety?
Just try to get through this one day at a time.
anxiety attacks are terrifying and it sounds like you were caught off guard, not my cup of tea either.
Have you tried any grounding techniques (not for everyone, sometimes they work for me, sometimes they don't) or anything else for your anxiety?
Just try to get through this one day at a time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I'm sorry you had an anxiety attack Lyc.
Sometimes its difficult for others to understand the problem - it sounds like this programme was doing you good before this tho, so I really hope you at least try to explain what happened.
I don't think codeine is particularly a better choice than booze - particularly if it's mixed with panadol, so please make that a one off, Lyc
You've come an incredibly long way - don't lose you determination now
D
Sometimes its difficult for others to understand the problem - it sounds like this programme was doing you good before this tho, so I really hope you at least try to explain what happened.
I don't think codeine is particularly a better choice than booze - particularly if it's mixed with panadol, so please make that a one off, Lyc
You've come an incredibly long way - don't lose you determination now
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Lycanlaz, I read each post in this thread twice. Wow, just frickin wow. These folks have it figured out and have offered some incredible words of wisdom. I don't really suffer anxiety, but I have at times and I know its horrible. You are progressing and I sense a strong desire from you that you are dead serious about getting things straightened out. Keep marching forward to overcome the alcoholism and anxiety. You can...and you will. We have faith. Thumbs up and a wink to you. You are doing great.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham
Posts: 513
Can you go to an ordinary AA group or therapy? I sort of concur with the people here, that it sounds like there is something else going on, but I also know from experience that addicts aren't necessarily qualified by virtue of addiction to treat other addicts. It is very hit or miss. Sometimes I think the reasoning itself that takes place can be a whole other extreme that isn't necessarily sober. It's a fine line though. I'd probably choose this weird group for the time being over isolating and getting wasted, but I wouldn't feel bad about your feelings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 133
i got very drunk last night. i have some sort of urge to apologise which seems obtuse. i did a lot of stupid things. wandered around the town centre, took a bottle of wine out of a restaurant by hiding it in my coat after i'd bought it, took it into the cinema, left the cinema before the movie was over, tried to find someone to buy coke off, bought a bunch of 13 year olds tobacco from the off license, went to mcdonalds (i hate mcdonalds...), accidentally smashed a bottle of wine on the way home, called my ex's mum and talked to her for an hour and after that i have no memory though i know i sent my ex a bunch of abusive messages on facebook because i found them this morning. what a pr!ck.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hate the addiction not the addicted Lyc.
Self loathing will do as fuel for negativity if booze is not around.
You have the power to stop this slide Lyc.
I really hope you decide to exercise it
D
Self loathing will do as fuel for negativity if booze is not around.
You have the power to stop this slide Lyc.
I really hope you decide to exercise it
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 133
i called the clinic back, spent an hour on the phone with one of the keyworkers. she didn't give me any crap, we went over the graduation and discussed the difficulty of receiving compliments due to feelings of unworthiness and triggering self destruction. she's easy to talk to. i cleaned the living room. spoke to my ex and apologised for the messages i left. time to examine my recovery and look at why i've made these choices this week.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Originally Posted by lycanlaz 
time to examine my recovery and look at why i've made these choices this week.
. Thinking and acting positively is what cuts across the grain and makes us into new, and healthier people.Congratulations on taking a step back in the healing direction.
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