Ashamed to be sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 124
Ashamed to be sober
Broke my sobriety last night. Two drinks.
Honestly , I had been clean two weeks. It just got to a point where I had agreed to meet a friend and the anxiety about how he would perceive me if I came and said I was sober massively spiked. I had this kind of willpower struggle going on - will it be ok if I don't drink, or will i just drink. I just couldn't face telling him. Because we have previously met for beers that was his expectation unless I told him otherwise.
All I needed to do was probably whilst planning to meet just say in our text convo, btw I'm sober at the moment, so no drinking for me. I know he would have been cool with it. But the fear of not being accepted/been seen as weird really threw me.
I'm just depressed right now, because everytime I try and get sober, I just can't seem to get around the social life thing. It's probably similar to coming out as gay. I just don't have the confidence to tell my friends I am sober. I don't want to make a big deal out of it either, but if I don't tell friends then it gets the point like last night where I worry and eventually back out of telling them.
The realisation comes back to me: that sobriety means building a new lifestyle and really changing ones friends and hobbies. It's just hard to get sober when you begin as I've only got 2 real friends I count as sober/or understanding of sobriety. Out of those and out of those two, one is drinking right now and I rarely see because of different work schedule and the other guy is only available every few weeks. In short, it's like, there is no support for someone trying to protect their sobriety.
I have a desire to not drink and be sober. I don't feel like I am an alcoholic although I have developed a mental obsession with it, which almost feels like this weird kind of ocd complex. I just don't know if I qualify for AA. Although, I feel like I need to go one step further and find a supporting community if I really want to stay sober.
Honestly , I had been clean two weeks. It just got to a point where I had agreed to meet a friend and the anxiety about how he would perceive me if I came and said I was sober massively spiked. I had this kind of willpower struggle going on - will it be ok if I don't drink, or will i just drink. I just couldn't face telling him. Because we have previously met for beers that was his expectation unless I told him otherwise.
All I needed to do was probably whilst planning to meet just say in our text convo, btw I'm sober at the moment, so no drinking for me. I know he would have been cool with it. But the fear of not being accepted/been seen as weird really threw me.
I'm just depressed right now, because everytime I try and get sober, I just can't seem to get around the social life thing. It's probably similar to coming out as gay. I just don't have the confidence to tell my friends I am sober. I don't want to make a big deal out of it either, but if I don't tell friends then it gets the point like last night where I worry and eventually back out of telling them.
The realisation comes back to me: that sobriety means building a new lifestyle and really changing ones friends and hobbies. It's just hard to get sober when you begin as I've only got 2 real friends I count as sober/or understanding of sobriety. Out of those and out of those two, one is drinking right now and I rarely see because of different work schedule and the other guy is only available every few weeks. In short, it's like, there is no support for someone trying to protect their sobriety.
I have a desire to not drink and be sober. I don't feel like I am an alcoholic although I have developed a mental obsession with it, which almost feels like this weird kind of ocd complex. I just don't know if I qualify for AA. Although, I feel like I need to go one step further and find a supporting community if I really want to stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
As far as not drinking and worried about it being noticed, i was worried about the same thing, but I just say I am on a health kick and taking a break.
I am lucky too though, even the times I quit and said nothing, it was noticed I was not drinking and my friends would ask "Hey are you not drinking? If so I'll quit offering".
I am lucky too though, even the times I quit and said nothing, it was noticed I was not drinking and my friends would ask "Hey are you not drinking? If so I'll quit offering".
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
I've found that people don't really mind about me being sober. To a drinker's mind that is very much"my problem"! To a casual drinker it is "my choice". For me it is "my solution". Doesn't matter how others view it as it's all down to MY decision!
Don't beat yourself up about a couple of beers. Learn from the experience as it can make you stronger. Hopefully this can strengthen your resolve and help you identify future triggers. Main thing is you're straight back on the site
Don't beat yourself up about a couple of beers. Learn from the experience as it can make you stronger. Hopefully this can strengthen your resolve and help you identify future triggers. Main thing is you're straight back on the site
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi George
I struggled with being a non drinker because I assumed that everyone else thought as much about drinking as I did.
Not very many people do.
99.9% of the time people have no interest in whether I'm drinking or not.
The remainder tend to be old drinking buddies. I'm not sure that hanging around those guys is a great idea if you're trying to get sober?
Anyone who might judge you for not drinking isn't someone you want as a mate anyway.
I know the fear about things changing and you becoming a recluse and never going out or having friends again - but it doesn't work out that way.
If it did, noone would stay sober, man - think about it.
I wasn't a hermit - I went to lots of things and lots of places - but nowhere where I felt my recovery might be threatened.
After a while I knew I wanted to be sober and that nothing or noone could sway me, and I widened my social activities again...
but I had to work up to that. I had to prioritise my recovery.
D
I struggled with being a non drinker because I assumed that everyone else thought as much about drinking as I did.
Not very many people do.
99.9% of the time people have no interest in whether I'm drinking or not.
The remainder tend to be old drinking buddies. I'm not sure that hanging around those guys is a great idea if you're trying to get sober?
Anyone who might judge you for not drinking isn't someone you want as a mate anyway.
I know the fear about things changing and you becoming a recluse and never going out or having friends again - but it doesn't work out that way.
If it did, noone would stay sober, man - think about it.
I wasn't a hermit - I went to lots of things and lots of places - but nowhere where I felt my recovery might be threatened.
After a while I knew I wanted to be sober and that nothing or noone could sway me, and I widened my social activities again...
but I had to work up to that. I had to prioritise my recovery.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by amp123 
I've found that people don't really mind about me being sober. To a drinker's mind that is very much"my problem"! To a casual drinker it is "my choice". For me it is "my solution". Doesn't matter how others view it as it's all down to MY decision!
Don't beat yourself up about a couple of beers. Learn from the experience as it can make you stronger. Hopefully this can strengthen your resolve and help you identify future triggers. Main thing is you're straight back on the site
Don't beat yourself up about a couple of beers. Learn from the experience as it can make you stronger. Hopefully this can strengthen your resolve and help you identify future triggers. Main thing is you're straight back on the site
I do see it as a learning experience, although I am not sure exactly what I will do differently next time. I know what I should say and do: ie be clear about intentions and that I am not drinking, but in practice I find it much harder.
I drink because I feel like I should as opposed to actually wanting to.
I don't crave alcohol, and I don't long for a drink anymore. I don't like the stuff and it makes me feel like crap the next few days. I usually drink when I feel like its hard to say no. When its people I feel comfortable with, I don't feel the need to drink.
So in some respects my problem with alcohol is very much a fitting in problem and related to a fear of being judged.
Guest
Join Date: May 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,086
Hi George
I'm relatively new back into the rooms of AA and so my circle of sober friends is small right now and I can relate!
Being sober is something to be proud of. You are addressing a problem and doing something about it :-)
I'm relatively new back into the rooms of AA and so my circle of sober friends is small right now and I can relate!
Being sober is something to be proud of. You are addressing a problem and doing something about it :-)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
Try to calm your concerns about going to AA this is part of what’s read at most meetings from the AA Preamble: “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.”
it does not say you have to be an alcoholic but by going perhaps you will hear your story and identify with others who understand each other.
BE WELL.
Try to calm your concerns about going to AA this is part of what’s read at most meetings from the AA Preamble: “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.”
it does not say you have to be an alcoholic but by going perhaps you will hear your story and identify with others who understand each other.
BE WELL.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by amp123
Maybe try mentioning to people individually in neutral situations that you are doing this? In that way they won't be surprised or judgmental when you decline an alcoholic drink?
Yes I think from a functional perspective that makes most sense. Better to give someone a heads up to 'manage their expectations' before so it takes the pressure of it when you actually meet in person.
I suppose a quantum shift happens when old friends release and accept you are sober, and the new friends you make when sober of course accept you like you are. I think the head bit is right at the beginning when I am going to have to be straight with existing friends, but the longer time goes on the easier it should get.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
George I had this same problem when I first got sober too. You can attend aa just for the socialization factor if you want, you will meet others who do things sober. If that doesnt sound like a good fit for you it may be time to consider branching out in other ways to meet new people - it was really difficult for me but so worth it in the long run . I took community classes, started volunteering and it turns out there are a lot of people put there whose lives do not revolve ariund drinking. Change takes time and it sounds like you are learnig about yourself and your habits and I think that's great. it takes us time to learn new habits and things like that. Be gentle with yourself and keep us updated
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
I'm relatively new in the dedicated sober game, only about a month here, but something's I've learned with coping in regards to social-drinking---
Like Dee said, no one cares if you're having an alcoholic drink or not. They really don't. If they want to get together for a drink, you can have a soda, a water, or whatever. They don't care if what you're drinking isn't beer; they really don't, so just embrace that.
Two, it's not a big deal to say, "I'm not drinking." If you want to attach "..right now" to it, or maybe, "...for a week,"then go ahead. But it's just not a big deal. Say it, and then say, "Maybe we can just grab milkshakes or something?" Over time, you're friend will get the hint.
Honestly, I've loved leaving the bar scene behind. At first I was confused about it, but honestly going out to ice-cream parlors or just grabbing a soda beach-side has been extremely rewarding. I'm very dedicated to sobriety right now and am finally getting into the swing of accepting and trying out all of these new places and things that I've neglected since drinking. It was hard to accept and trial, but it has really paid off, and is a lot of fun too!
I know what you're saying about fear of losing friend. I am in the same boat as you, but fortunately I've this one girl I go around with who accepts sober things like activities and non-alcoholic venues. But my two (and only) male friends are drinkers and cigarette smokers; I've already learned that I can't be around them in most scenarios. I can't just hang out at homes with them, and I am not comfortable going to bars. And these guys don't want to open up to not-drinking at night and doing activities, and refuse things like coffee or milkshakes.
So it's been hard, because outside of the extremely rare occassion where we get together during the day and play tennis or basketball (I've done this once with both over one month--- that's all I've seen them), I am without male friends.
It's not great, but again; I'm committed to sobreity, and now that I've forced myself to be open to those non-alcoholic experiences I've found this immensely unique and rewarding world out there that I'm excited to explore and partake in. I can accept my current lapse with male friends because I know that not only is sobreity more important to me than that, but that, also, I need to make some new friends who are open to sober activity. It sounds glum, but it's true; I love sober activities, and these old buddies are just not going to accept that world. For me, at this point, I'm looking forward to when I don't even have to cross fingers for those guys to hang out with me anymore, and make and meet those new friends who can enjoy the world sober.
Like Dee said, no one cares if you're having an alcoholic drink or not. They really don't. If they want to get together for a drink, you can have a soda, a water, or whatever. They don't care if what you're drinking isn't beer; they really don't, so just embrace that.
Two, it's not a big deal to say, "I'm not drinking." If you want to attach "..right now" to it, or maybe, "...for a week,"then go ahead. But it's just not a big deal. Say it, and then say, "Maybe we can just grab milkshakes or something?" Over time, you're friend will get the hint.
Honestly, I've loved leaving the bar scene behind. At first I was confused about it, but honestly going out to ice-cream parlors or just grabbing a soda beach-side has been extremely rewarding. I'm very dedicated to sobriety right now and am finally getting into the swing of accepting and trying out all of these new places and things that I've neglected since drinking. It was hard to accept and trial, but it has really paid off, and is a lot of fun too!
I know what you're saying about fear of losing friend. I am in the same boat as you, but fortunately I've this one girl I go around with who accepts sober things like activities and non-alcoholic venues. But my two (and only) male friends are drinkers and cigarette smokers; I've already learned that I can't be around them in most scenarios. I can't just hang out at homes with them, and I am not comfortable going to bars. And these guys don't want to open up to not-drinking at night and doing activities, and refuse things like coffee or milkshakes.
So it's been hard, because outside of the extremely rare occassion where we get together during the day and play tennis or basketball (I've done this once with both over one month--- that's all I've seen them), I am without male friends.
It's not great, but again; I'm committed to sobreity, and now that I've forced myself to be open to those non-alcoholic experiences I've found this immensely unique and rewarding world out there that I'm excited to explore and partake in. I can accept my current lapse with male friends because I know that not only is sobreity more important to me than that, but that, also, I need to make some new friends who are open to sober activity. It sounds glum, but it's true; I love sober activities, and these old buddies are just not going to accept that world. For me, at this point, I'm looking forward to when I don't even have to cross fingers for those guys to hang out with me anymore, and make and meet those new friends who can enjoy the world sober.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
I just say "alcohol doesn't agree with me" and let people take what they want from that while I enjoy my soda or whatever. And I'm not lying when I say that.... think about it. I've never had anyone indicate in the slightest that they looked down on me for it. BUT, if they did, I would consider them someone I might run into at an AA meeting sometime in the future.
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