It feels like the first step is the hardest
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 61
It feels like the first step is the hardest
I am at ground zero and it feels like the first step in stopping is the hardest.
From experience I know that these first few days feel tough because I have to break the habit cold. Once the habit has been cracked open a bit and I get momentum behind me it may not seem so hard.
Sitting here now though it seems so difficult, and yet I must or nothing will ever change.
I guess I also need to realise that at the moment I have a bit of hangover from last night so my mental state is going to be suspect (at best) and the thoughts I have now will be less harsh in a day or two of no drink.
I feel like **** really, not just physically either. My self talk is pretty harsh and I am feeling pretty down on myself - which is probably normal at this point and again it won't last either, so I just have ride through that and notice it is not true what my dark side is saying.
I wish I could just not want to get wasted, but I do and I feel defective somehow because I am this way.
I was enjoying being sober and then I took off for a few months to travel in Asia by myself and I started having one or two beers each day 'to be social'. Then it escalated to more, but rarely was I out of control drunk because being far from home travelling alone I needed my wits about me a bit so as to not get in any dodgy situations.
So in a way I was believing that I had this 'just a few drinks' thing down and that all was kind of well with this.
Thing is, now I am home and in my own environment again, where i feel safe and know what is what, the handbrake has come off and I have got pretty hammered more often in the last couple of weeks and I can see that the overseas drinking was masking the truth.
I also noticed that I am also, almost unconsciously, constructing my day around when and where to drink again. I noticed this yesterday for the first time and looking back I can see that I have been doing it more than just yesterday. So I am grateful for that awareness.
*sigh*.
So I am back to the start and feeling tired by the thought of all the work that this will take to get back on track. But the consequences of not changing are far reaching and insidious.
So when my head clears a bit in the next day I will seek to come up with a plan of what to change and how to manage this.
For now though, I'll just have to breathe through this day.
.....I want my life back. I wanted to go surfing today but after last night that's not going to happen. F You alcohol :-)
From experience I know that these first few days feel tough because I have to break the habit cold. Once the habit has been cracked open a bit and I get momentum behind me it may not seem so hard.
Sitting here now though it seems so difficult, and yet I must or nothing will ever change.
I guess I also need to realise that at the moment I have a bit of hangover from last night so my mental state is going to be suspect (at best) and the thoughts I have now will be less harsh in a day or two of no drink.
I feel like **** really, not just physically either. My self talk is pretty harsh and I am feeling pretty down on myself - which is probably normal at this point and again it won't last either, so I just have ride through that and notice it is not true what my dark side is saying.
I wish I could just not want to get wasted, but I do and I feel defective somehow because I am this way.
I was enjoying being sober and then I took off for a few months to travel in Asia by myself and I started having one or two beers each day 'to be social'. Then it escalated to more, but rarely was I out of control drunk because being far from home travelling alone I needed my wits about me a bit so as to not get in any dodgy situations.
So in a way I was believing that I had this 'just a few drinks' thing down and that all was kind of well with this.
Thing is, now I am home and in my own environment again, where i feel safe and know what is what, the handbrake has come off and I have got pretty hammered more often in the last couple of weeks and I can see that the overseas drinking was masking the truth.
I also noticed that I am also, almost unconsciously, constructing my day around when and where to drink again. I noticed this yesterday for the first time and looking back I can see that I have been doing it more than just yesterday. So I am grateful for that awareness.
*sigh*.
So I am back to the start and feeling tired by the thought of all the work that this will take to get back on track. But the consequences of not changing are far reaching and insidious.
So when my head clears a bit in the next day I will seek to come up with a plan of what to change and how to manage this.
For now though, I'll just have to breathe through this day.
.....I want my life back. I wanted to go surfing today but after last night that's not going to happen. F You alcohol :-)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
It's easy to fall back into old habits. You've been sober before so you can do it again. I imagine surfing with a hang over might be tricky :-)
This is a good day to start fresh and look forward to being sober again!
This is a good day to start fresh and look forward to being sober again!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 226
Really good share. I just did a similar thing. Started drinking to be social then it quickly turned back to abuse like before.
I guess its all just one day at a time Im feelinv a lot better already. Thanks for sharing your story it made me feel like I'm not on my own. All the best.
I guess its all just one day at a time Im feelinv a lot better already. Thanks for sharing your story it made me feel like I'm not on my own. All the best.
Guest
Join Date: May 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,086
Hi Kate
You sound like you're very self aware which is cool! I think a big thing for me to realise was that if I pick up a drink, I'm back where I started (and getting progressively worse) very quickly. It's a horrid thing to realise but it's something that I've "tested" numerous times and it always happens!
I don't know what kind of support you have but definitely reach out for help with the negative self talk as it can really play tricks with you.
You sound like you're very self aware which is cool! I think a big thing for me to realise was that if I pick up a drink, I'm back where I started (and getting progressively worse) very quickly. It's a horrid thing to realise but it's something that I've "tested" numerous times and it always happens!
I don't know what kind of support you have but definitely reach out for help with the negative self talk as it can really play tricks with you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I don’t know your background or experience but mine is a bad remember when. I needed to get away from my undisciplined thinking then become honest with myself about MY drinking and ACCEPT the fact that I cannot drink alcohol in safety one day at a time in a row, in safety.
For me it required work and change in my thinking and actions.
I went to many meetings where the old timers said “ take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth and listen.” Harsh on tender ears today but their methods worked for many for a long time. I happen to like “ if you don’t like what we offer your misery is refunded.”
I became a part of the fellowship by getting involved and quite active for a long time which was a big boost in my recovery as opposed to isolating and other poor choices I did over the years.
It’s work but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
BE WELL
I don’t know your background or experience but mine is a bad remember when. I needed to get away from my undisciplined thinking then become honest with myself about MY drinking and ACCEPT the fact that I cannot drink alcohol in safety one day at a time in a row, in safety.
For me it required work and change in my thinking and actions.
I went to many meetings where the old timers said “ take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth and listen.” Harsh on tender ears today but their methods worked for many for a long time. I happen to like “ if you don’t like what we offer your misery is refunded.”
I became a part of the fellowship by getting involved and quite active for a long time which was a big boost in my recovery as opposed to isolating and other poor choices I did over the years.
It’s work but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Yucaipa, CA
Posts: 4
Hi Kate15 -
I absolutely relate to what you said about "constructing your day around when to drink". By god - I have been there. In fact, I would plan getting off of work a bit early to beat rush hour - so I can grab a good seat at the bar and get tossed before having to go home (where I would ultimately drink more).
Ah! Hate it!
I absolutely relate to what you said about "constructing your day around when to drink". By god - I have been there. In fact, I would plan getting off of work a bit early to beat rush hour - so I can grab a good seat at the bar and get tossed before having to go home (where I would ultimately drink more).
Ah! Hate it!
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