IKneedaBreak

Did you stop drinking to save a relationship. Do you ever feel resentment or regret?

zjw

I quit drnking for me. I would have never done it for my wife. Its not that I dont love my wife or something but I'm an alcoholic booze came first. It was not until I got selfish about quiting for me that I was able to quit for me. My wife could have walked out the door and I would have chosen booze over her not becuase i dont like her or something but because I'm sick.

I really dont regret much. Resentment is a funky emotion that I find in my case I can catch it before it ever materializes. IE I might grow to resent this person if such and such continues so let me nip this in the bud now so that does not happen.

IKneedaBreak

Can ultimatums be helpful in cases where the loved one does in fact have a desire to stop drinking.

JeffreyAK

If you're asking, "Should I give my significant other an ultimatum to manipulate him to stop drinking", my personal opinion is, that's likely to backfire unless you're absolutely willing to back it up with action, and you're playing with fire. If instead you're asking, "Am I justified in putting myself first and drawing a line in the sand because my significant other's drinking is harming me", my personal opinion is, absolutely you are.

SparkleKitty

An ultimatum is only as good as your willingness to follow through on your word.

Have you been to Al-Anon?

zjw

If he has a desire to stop drinking I'd say be unconditionaly supportive. At least thats what worked for me anyhow. I think if my wife woulda laid down the law at that point it could have spooked me. But I was also quiting mainly becuase of debilitating panic attacks in my mind of denial at the time alcohol was not causing me any trouble.

ScottFromWI

Possibly, but at the end of the day the individual needs to seek help themselves. And resentment is definitely possible, addiction is a very selfish disease.

Regardless of what your husband does ( and I truly hope he can seek help ), you should seek help for yourself as the spouse of an alcoholic. There are meetings like Al-Anon that could be of great use locally. We also have a specific forum here for friends and family of alcoholics..you might want to check that out too.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

IKneedaBreak

Yes, I have read the family forum, yes, I have had counseling. Yes, recently I asked him to pick me over rum, he switched to beer. It got better then it got worse than before. Last night after an argument I let him know that I pray daily that he will hit his bottom because I have hit mine. I will always support him but my plans are made for peace in my life.

SparkleKitty

I know this is really impossible to hear sometimes, but he is sick. He is not drinking AT you. As tempting and as easy as it is to personalize it, it is not about you or how he feels about you. He has an addiction. He has no skills to resist the compulsion to drink right now and won't until he chooses recovery. But it isn't as simple as choosing you over his compulsion.

fini

well, IKB, that is more important, ultimately. that you know have "hit yours" and have plans made.

what he will or will not do is another story; one you can influence at times but ultimately has to be his.

Latte

I chose to end the marriage I was in, in active addiction. It was not his fault that the marriage ended. He is a good man, but I couldn't live my life thinking he is always second guessing, always wondering, etc. I thought he deserved more and our children deserved more. I won't tell his story, but he is happier but it isn't a cake walk for either of us. I only quit when I was ready and in the end-I can only tell my story. Every one has a different story because we are all different and we all are human.

Mags1

It took my husband leaving me to realise what I was, an alcoholic, and drink came before everything.

I sort of woke up! Then I had to learn to live without drink. But first and foremost, i had to stop for me because I saw what I'd become and hated it.

IKneedaBreak

My counselor told me that the only action that "might" "sometimes" give an AH incentive to entertain the thought of sobriety is loss of a relationship.
But don't get me wrong, after almost 20 years (we are in our sixties) I understand that he he has a serious illness that only he can cure....
I have to think of me now.

SparkleKitty

Sending you strength and courage for whatever is next for you. I found freedom in leaving and the world opened up for me in ways I couldn't have imagined, but that didn't make the act of leaving any less difficult, and I had far, far less time invested.

Jfanagle

My marriage was only one of a myriad of things that the drinking had put in jeopardy. I stopped because I could no longer live life the way that I was living it. After about three months of non-drinking and what was the beginning of really getting sober it became apparent to me that I was a much different person sober than I had been as a drinker. Ironically it was my getting sober that ultimately dissolved the relationship. We remained and still do remain friends some 16 years later and in fact for a couple of years dated, but I was not the guy she married and so sobriety ended the relationship in my case.

The answer to your question in my case is the reverse, I have sometimes wished that sobriety had strengthened our marriage, but I have never regretted being sober these last 16 years. I was just somewhat surprised how much of my "personality" came out of a bottle.

Best wishes,
Jon

IKneedaBreak

Best Wishes to you Jon. My AH is a good man and also much different and happier when sober. He actually has a sense of humor, sad that I see it almost never. I still love him dearly and and would be OK setting him free if he could find his sobriety and peace.

zjw

I hope he comes around do you think he might go to an AA meeting if you went with him or something? I dunno if he'd want you in his mess or not that could go either way I suppose but maybe an idea?

Anna

I hope that you continue to focus on yourself. You say you've reached your bottom, do you have a plan for you? I wish you strength and courage as you move through this.

IKneedaBreak

Yes, I have family in another town and a rental, I just have to give the tenants notice. An awkward complication without a crystal ball.

Fly N Buy

Very sorry for your troubles - it's so painful.

Has he ever expressed any desire to quit or ever verbalized to you that he may thought he has a problem, or is he in complete denial and always belligerent about the issue?

I know for many of us it's a progression to the truth of who we are or in other words a willingness to try and change and accept what has happened. I am in my mid 50's - sober for one year, married 30+years. My wife seldom drinks.

I finally saw the light and the realization of who I had become. My wife was saying things such as - I can't do this any longer........etc. There was no ultimatum, but the point was very clear and it did indeed facilitate my readiness. But - to be fair, I was getting to a point of sick and tired regardless. Her words did indeed accelerate the process for me. I was becoming ready and willing however prior to this.

Just wasn't sure sobriety was possible and thought what the heck will life look like if I stop??!!

There is hope - prayer is vital and does indeed help Good for you.....

Thank you for sharing this