how do you forgive yourself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 146
how do you forgive yourself
This question is for all the recovering alcoholics.
Now your sober if your like me you will be full of guilt due to the crazy awful things you did whilst drunk.
People around me have started to trust me again. Im starting to get my life back but im still totally disgusted how i behaved whilst i was an alcoholic. It really showed an evil side of me.
How did you forgive yourself ?
Now your sober if your like me you will be full of guilt due to the crazy awful things you did whilst drunk.
People around me have started to trust me again. Im starting to get my life back but im still totally disgusted how i behaved whilst i was an alcoholic. It really showed an evil side of me.
How did you forgive yourself ?
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
I gave myself a fresh start. I made my self-forgiveness contingent on never ever drinking again. I also really try to not dwell on the past because that is simply depressing. Thinking about the future makes me worried and anxious. The answer of course is to be present, to live in the present. That is the only time I can make a difference.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
By doing the 9th step in AA and making amends. That process helped me forgive myself in the past when I was sober for some time. If people did not accept my amends, it did not matter, as I did my part.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
your not that person any longer. so if its bothering your your apparently stuck in the past.
thats how i got over it. I apologized to my wife wrote her a letter etc.. for the sake of the thead let me ponder this again but how i acted what did was awful. I would have never tolerated that stuff done to me by someone else yet i did it to someone myself. Now as painful as that is I can choose to sit here and dwell on that or i can just move on to this present moment and leave that in the past where it belongs.
its done its over with who cares? what does it matter? what good purpose does dwelling on it serve?
thats how i got over it. I apologized to my wife wrote her a letter etc.. for the sake of the thead let me ponder this again but how i acted what did was awful. I would have never tolerated that stuff done to me by someone else yet i did it to someone myself. Now as painful as that is I can choose to sit here and dwell on that or i can just move on to this present moment and leave that in the past where it belongs.
its done its over with who cares? what does it matter? what good purpose does dwelling on it serve?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I focus on what I can do today to make myself a better person. I don't ever want to completely forget the past as i need to be reminded of why I am now sober, but I don't dwell on it as it cannot be changed.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
Thanks for posting this Boris.
Being honest, am not entirely sure for me it is guilt - it is more shame, and that uncomfortable sense that I have done things, and behaved in ways that at some points in my life, would have conflicted with values, an integrity I wanted to live by, but quite frequently, did not. For me, depending on what kind of day I've had, these kinds of feelings can come back if I don't feel I've behaved as well as I could, as if I did the values, the integrity, a dis-service. There are as they say, degrees of everything :-)
In drinking, and in AA here in the UK, there is a saying that 'I was not responsible (then) but I am accountable now' Am not sure whether or not that is anywhere in the AA literature, but nonetheless, it's a phrase I heard a lot, and it helped me. Mostly, it's a reference to the steps and amends, for the big stuff, if you like. It helps me day to day now, when I'm reflecting on how I did today, what might I need to put right? As someone else posted, the biggest amend we can make, to ourselves and especially to others, is our continued sobriety. On a day to day basis, I can own up, and be accountable, when I do or say something that gives rise to that old familiar discomfort. That way, the discomfort becomes useful information, helps me know I've crossed the kinds of lines that matter to me in how I treat others. It's invaluable for knowing what I don't want. There is huge power in just seeing it - not dwelling in it, or letting it define who I am (it just becomes ego that way) - but just seeing it, and asking for help in doing different next time. How about that? Just by having the courage to ask the kind of question you asked, we get the opportunity for a completely different life.
Finally, I'm not sure forgiveness is a one off event, at least it hasn't been that way for me. It's much more of a process, bought about by living sober, and doing the best I can day to day to not do the kind of damage I used to do. It arrives of its own accord, and often not in my time, but just when I'm quietly getting on with life.
Wish you well, and thanks again for sharing
Being honest, am not entirely sure for me it is guilt - it is more shame, and that uncomfortable sense that I have done things, and behaved in ways that at some points in my life, would have conflicted with values, an integrity I wanted to live by, but quite frequently, did not. For me, depending on what kind of day I've had, these kinds of feelings can come back if I don't feel I've behaved as well as I could, as if I did the values, the integrity, a dis-service. There are as they say, degrees of everything :-)
In drinking, and in AA here in the UK, there is a saying that 'I was not responsible (then) but I am accountable now' Am not sure whether or not that is anywhere in the AA literature, but nonetheless, it's a phrase I heard a lot, and it helped me. Mostly, it's a reference to the steps and amends, for the big stuff, if you like. It helps me day to day now, when I'm reflecting on how I did today, what might I need to put right? As someone else posted, the biggest amend we can make, to ourselves and especially to others, is our continued sobriety. On a day to day basis, I can own up, and be accountable, when I do or say something that gives rise to that old familiar discomfort. That way, the discomfort becomes useful information, helps me know I've crossed the kinds of lines that matter to me in how I treat others. It's invaluable for knowing what I don't want. There is huge power in just seeing it - not dwelling in it, or letting it define who I am (it just becomes ego that way) - but just seeing it, and asking for help in doing different next time. How about that? Just by having the courage to ask the kind of question you asked, we get the opportunity for a completely different life.
Finally, I'm not sure forgiveness is a one off event, at least it hasn't been that way for me. It's much more of a process, bought about by living sober, and doing the best I can day to day to not do the kind of damage I used to do. It arrives of its own accord, and often not in my time, but just when I'm quietly getting on with life.
Wish you well, and thanks again for sharing
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
For me, it didn't happen all at once. I had to work on forgiving myself in bits and pieces. So, it took some time and patience, but it will happen. I found journaling very useful. It helped me to get things down on paper and get them out of my head.
The other thing to remember is that forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It lightens your load. It doesn't erase what happened, but it gives you a chance to move on and live the life you want to live.
The other thing to remember is that forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It lightens your load. It doesn't erase what happened, but it gives you a chance to move on and live the life you want to live.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 146
Thanks for the replys. I always used to say i was a good person. But the drink definatly showed a horrible side. Couldnt sleep last night. Cant look myself in the mirror in the mornings. I just wish i could of stopped before it got so bad. Now im trying to make things right. Im trying to help as many people as i can. Doing odd jobs for the neighbours etc
If there is a god. Im going to be in a lot of trouble unless i make amends
If there is a god. Im going to be in a lot of trouble unless i make amends
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 10
Hi, Boris
This might be a helpful book for you to read: Radical Self-Forgiveness: The Direct Path to True Self-Acceptance: Colin C. Tipping
Addiction has taken so much from all of us already. I think it is worth really trying not to let it take any more of our time or headspace, except as a reminder to live now in a way we won't regret later. All the best -
This might be a helpful book for you to read: Radical Self-Forgiveness: The Direct Path to True Self-Acceptance: Colin C. Tipping
Addiction has taken so much from all of us already. I think it is worth really trying not to let it take any more of our time or headspace, except as a reminder to live now in a way we won't regret later. All the best -
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
Originally Posted by boris 
I always used to say i was a good person. But the drink definatly showed a horrible side.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
By living today with a conscious. I was never really a "bad" person anyway I just picked up some really unhealthy tools along the way that I have slowly but surely begun to shed and replace with better ones. PeopLe see the change in me, it reassures me I am on a better path
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Like Anna says, it was a process for me.
I tried my best to live a good life, sober - slowly, that became more important to me than who I'd been drunk.
I'm sure you're essentially a good person too boris
D
I tried my best to live a good life, sober - slowly, that became more important to me than who I'd been drunk.
I'm sure you're essentially a good person too boris
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
If you move forward with integrity, honesty, and sober, all of the memories begin to fade.
And you can trust me on this. I've done things drunk that would make an old hardened drinker cringe. Just move forward sober and act honorable. I've heard that self-esteem only comes from what we do.
When we were drunk we were biologically different beings than we are sober. Is that the word? Physiologically different? Whatever. We were literally DIFFERENT people. Seriously.
And you can trust me on this. I've done things drunk that would make an old hardened drinker cringe. Just move forward sober and act honorable. I've heard that self-esteem only comes from what we do.
When we were drunk we were biologically different beings than we are sober. Is that the word? Physiologically different? Whatever. We were literally DIFFERENT people. Seriously.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I read or heard this analogy once - The past is like the rear view mirror in our car. It's only used if we are backing up. As we drive forward, the mirror is there and we may glance at what's behind us, but we don't focus on when we have the car in drive - going forward.
I have a long way to go, and by no means can simply toss the past away at this point. It still too fresh and I have amends to still make. But peace has come working the program in the rooms and reading the wisdom from friends on SR.
I have found most of the time I can stay in the present and just keep working, enjoying and being grateful for the sobriety of today.
At some point we need to forgive ourselves and not look in that rear view mirror
Thanks for the thread
I have a long way to go, and by no means can simply toss the past away at this point. It still too fresh and I have amends to still make. But peace has come working the program in the rooms and reading the wisdom from friends on SR.
I have found most of the time I can stay in the present and just keep working, enjoying and being grateful for the sobriety of today.
At some point we need to forgive ourselves and not look in that rear view mirror
Thanks for the thread
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by MelindaFlowers
If you move forward with integrity, honesty, and sober, all of the memories begin to fade.
And you can trust me on this. I've done things drunk that would make an old hardened drinker cringe. Just move forward sober and act honorable. I've heard that self-esteem only comes from what we do.
When we were drunk we were biologically different beings than we are sober. Is that the word? Physiologically different? Whatever. We were literally DIFFERENT people. Seriously.
And you can trust me on this. I've done things drunk that would make an old hardened drinker cringe. Just move forward sober and act honorable. I've heard that self-esteem only comes from what we do.
When we were drunk we were biologically different beings than we are sober. Is that the word? Physiologically different? Whatever. We were literally DIFFERENT people. Seriously.
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