WritingFromLife

Yes, things take time and life is a learning process....problem for me was I had my "learning ladder of life leaning up against the wrong wall". The more steps I took, the further I got away from healing. I had to move it to a different wall before I fell deeper into the cesspool of codependency.

Just my experience--I realize everyone is different :-)

Hawkeye13

Glad to hear you are keeping your sobriety, though it certainly is a task living with your husband.

I agree about strong boundary rules and enforcing them, and putting the focus right back on you and your program.

Maybe you need to make other plans on his next days off?
What if you actually did something that didn't involve alcohol or drinking for either of you?

You are constantly putting yourself in the way of temptation, and that isn't
helpful in early sobriety.

Please look after yourself and realize you have to be super-protective of your sobriety really for the next year or so,
and that will mean changing quite a few habits and past times you (and he) seem to do frequently.

Soberintexas007

I cannot change an alcoholic, and I don't think he will want to spend his next day's off without alcohol. Trying to get him to not drink is futile and will only bring resentment on his part. So I am having to get used to being around him when he is drinking, and I think I am strong enough to do that. But I am in control of where I go, which is why I told him no to the bar. And we don't go to casinos anymore since I don't gamble anymore. I like to therefore go to places that are not alcohol saturated, such as movies, our apartment has a really nice pool and spa and BBQ overlooking the mountains, the beach. But yes, I need to try and think of other places as well to spend our time.

Soberintexas007

I was just able to do something different yet helpful I think for my sobriety. I normally do not confront my husband the next day about things when he is sober because I don't want to upset him and hurt his feelings, but I think it's important I start doing this. He is now sober, and so I called him and talked to him about something. I told him that yesterday, we went to the pool, then we went and bought him a new hat, then we got his haircut and my nails done, and then we came back to our apartment and made dinner. I told him that I had no problem with him drinking throughout the day, but that later in the night when he wanted to go out to a bar and I said no since it was late and I am sober, he called me a "bore." He laughed and said he did not mean it, and that he loved me. I told him that I am trying my best to stay sober and still have fun. So, I think it was good I confronted him on that because my feelings were really hurt. Maybe confronting him about such things can help, although we all know all bets are off when an alcoholic starts drinking.

ScottFromWI

To be frank I'd focus your attention on your own sobriety first. Your posts over the last couple of days have overwhelmingly focused on your husband and his drinking/smoking habits. That could certainly be part of the codependence you mention, but i seriously doubt it's going to be helpful to you and your recovery. Just for fun print out one of your threads and share it with your therapist and see what she thinks about the situation.

WritingFromLife

"Call me severely codependent, but I somewhat enjoy taking care of a sick person. It gives my life more meaning. Maybe eventually I will hit my bottom with my codependency and there will be consequences for me, but in the meantime, I truck on."

This worries me. For me, codependency is as deadly as alcoholism. The word is thrown around so much, people don't realize how it affects not just the codependent, but everyone they are close to. Just like alcoholism. The price I paid was higher than I would have ever imagined. Take Scott's suggestion and run this by your therapist. It truly helps to have that that second set of unbiased eyes.

There are so many other ways to find your purpose, your meaning---I learned this first hand. PLEASE don't wait for the consequences, sweetie.

With love,

Kayce

dwtbd

I have had a change of perspective regarding addiction since deciding to quit . One of the things that I see differently is the idea of wanting to stop doing something, drinking or drug use, but finding yourself doing it anyway . I used to more or less associate addiction with the actual consumption irrespective of motivation.
You have mentioned that you are studying psychology , it seems to me that people tend to project their feelings about consumption on others, eg that others that drink are addicted to it. But some people drink , even in irresponsible or unhealthy ways , without intention of changing their behavior, they are drinkers and fine with it, which obviously they have the right to be. Has your husband given you reason to believe he wants or plans to stop drinking?

Soberintexas007

I have a VERY good memory, Scott, and I am being truthful when I tell you that I pretty much state word for word what I post in these threads to my therapist, so printing it out would be unnecessary. She knows that I struggle with codependency, and that I take care of my husband's needs first before my own often. For example, she knows how difficult it is for me to go to an AA meeting on his off days yet how important it is for me to do that. When someone is a therapist (and I believe she knows this), you have to be very careful about being too confrontational with a recovering addict, as that style can take someone out of therapy. An addiction therapist has to JOIN the client where he/she is at that moment in time, no matter how difficult that may be. The irony behind addiction counseling is that it is ACCEPTANCE of someone rather than CONFRONTATION that can lead to change on the client's part. Your style is more confrontational, as is many members' styles from the AA approach, and I do appreciate your feedback to me, and I think it helps. But when was the last time you gave me a compliment for the progress I am making? It's like the "sandwich" approach to giving feedback - positive first then constructive feedback. I know that deep down you care about my recovery, so I don't take it personally.

Soberintexas007

I don't think my husband has any plans to stop drinking. Alcoholic or not, his drinking is causing impairment in his relational and social functioning, but not occupational. He can get belligerent, verbally aggressive, and very obnoxious. And if he wasn't married to me, who knows if he would be driving his car intoxicated without someone to drive him. Also, he puts himself at legal risk by consuming alcohol in public places such as movie theaters and salons. And he also got arrested last year for public intoxication and resisting arrest while drunk.

Soberintexas007

I hope you all can understand that just as you can't rush an alcoholic to quit drinking if he or she does not want to, you also can't rush a codependent into healing from their codependency if they are not ready.

Everyone around me knows that my relationship is unhealthy and probably not good for my recovery. People have even stopped talking to me because it pains them to hear what my husband does in the relationship knowing that I am trying to get sober. I am sorry if I came across too aggressive in some recent posts, as I don't want people to run away from me here on SR because they vividly see the toxicity of my relationship. I just need people to be positive with me at the time because I am still vulnerable to pick up a drink. I did have some cravings today despite my husband not being home, and I probably should go to a meeting. I have driven a lot of people away on this board when I was in the F&F of Alcoholics because they believed that what I am doing is unhealthy in my relationship, and I am pretty sure my therapist thinks that, too. In fact, she pointed out to me how I described myself as a "martyr" during one of my previous sessions (dying for my husband), but she did not chastise me for that but instead brought it to my attention. My sister rarely even talks to me anymore because she also does not believe my husband is healthy for me, and I think it hurts her to see myself in this situation. I don't think it would be helpful for me to just give up and stop posting on SR because I am not doing anything to help myself in a toxic relationship. Maybe I do have a very severe form of codependency that will be just as deadly as my alcoholism. I know that I should read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and go to Al-Anon, but I am really tired right now with only 5 days of sobriety. People have sort of described me as the woman who keeps on going back to the man who beats her, and they just detach from her because it hurts them too much to see that woman doing that to herself. My husband has never laid a finger on me, but it can sort of relate to me in another way. I just don't have the answers right now, and, trust me, my therapist knows of this situation. People have to want to change for themselves.

So I just ask that members on SR continue to be supportive of my sobriety and maybe help me to continue to create boundaries around living with an alcoholic husband so that my life can be a bit easier? No one pointed out that it was good that I at least said no to the bar last night, right? Someone more codependent than me maybe would have gone, especially after their husband tried to manipulate them by calling them a "bore." Progress not perfection...

I am just trying to stay positive despite being in a very vulnerable, precarious situation.

Elodie

Congratulations! Five days of sobriety is awesome!

Having said that, I (and I won't presume to speak for others but I imagine I'm not the only one who feels this way) am concerned about your ability to sustain that sobriety long-term because you keep putting yourself in situations that can be dangerous to the newly sober. I've been sober almost 11 months now - just a drop in the bucket, I realize - and the one and only time I've been in a liquor store was to pick up a bottle of wine for a Christmas gift for my boss. I didn't even want to get her wine but it was a group decision, and I haven't been back there since. In the beginning, I was worried I'd be tempted. Now I don't go because I'm rebuilding my life and alcohol has no place in my life. Maybe that's just me, I don't know. But what I do know is this: you have to take personal responsibility for your sobriety or lack thereof. If you want to stay sober or in recovery, awesome. If you want to drink, that's your choice. But you can't pin blame because people on a recovery website aren't being supportive to your satisfaction. The world is the world. The only person you can change or control is yourself, and getting upset when people aren't doing what you'd like them to do is an exercise in futility.

WritingFromLife

If my post came off as trying to "change" you, that was not my intention at all. Just sharing my personal experience--which is what we do here, along with support. I wish you the very best! I know you can do this. Meeting you where you are and accepting you is the first part of therapy--then immediately helping you see for yourself the next you want to take in your recovery--THIS can appear confrontational on a recovery forum where it's all text. I don't see it that way. I am an addiction counselor, for the record. Big hugs. Keep up the 90 in 90, shore up those boundaries like you have been. Always remember to take what you want and leave the rest. You don't always have to defend your stance :-)

Some may see you as holding a loaded gun, the same gun we used to hold to our own head. We know how to put that gun down, and want to share that with you.

Soberintexas007

Thank you all for your feedback. I am just busy right now taking another practice examination.