Hawkeye13

Sounds like things are going well.
Are you doing a meeting today?
They really seemed to help you last time when you had you long stretch of sobriety

WritingFromLife

SoberinTX you are VERY inspiring. Keep going!

Soberintexas007

Yes, I will be doing a meeting today. Things are going pretty well, but I need to stay vigilant as you said, since things have quickly turned for me recently when I also was doing well.

dwtbd

Staying vigilant as a nondrinker until it becomes the default setting, the natural state of being, thats the plan, keepin truckin 007(everybody) you got this

Soberintexas007

I'm not drinking but have currently lost my serenity. I got into a minor argument with a clerk at the liquor store 5 minutes ago. He was trying to tell me that my husbands 25 ounce beer/tomato juice is not actually 2 standard beers, and I was trying to tell him that a 25 ounce beer at 5% is actually 2 beers. I just don't like people misrepresenting alcohol, especially to my husband because he needs to learn that a 25 ounce beer is not 1 beer but 2. For some reason, I am just pissed off now. And then he owed me back $15, and so I asked him to please give me a 5 back (because I needed a 5 in my wallet), and then he acted like he was just going to give me the 5. And then I told him that if he wants to really screw me over, then I won't come back. So then he got nervous and rushed to give me back 3 five dollar bills. Then I felt guilty for being too aggressive. Anyways, I know that he was probably just joking, but I was already pissed off because of the previous discourse. Ugh!!!

I know that I just need to let this all go.

Soberintexas007

Leave it up to my alcoholic husband to allow me to make a living amends, LOL. He wanted another beer, and so I was able to see that clerk again and be nice and friendly. He told me it is good that I don't drink, as it saves me a lot of money. Anyways, I feel like the situation has been rectified, and I feel better. I think this is one of the only times I was grateful my husband wanted another beer, LOL!!!

ScottFromWI

What on earth are you doing buying alcohol for him? He can get it himself.

Soberintexas007

We went into the liquor store together. He got a beer, and I got a Diet Dr. Pepper, but I agree with you. It would be better if he just bought his beer himself.

Soberintexas007

Well, we are back home. My husband was in a bit of a pissy mood, and I think I know why. As my therapist and I talked about, it SERVES him for me to slip and drink because then he does not have to deal with a nondrinking spouse, and everything that goes along with that. I know that he was just waiting for me to cave in, but I didn't, and now he is a bit irritated. But I don't take this personally because this is how we alcoholics think. We are home now, there is only one 24 ounce beer in the house that he is drinking, and he is currently making dinner. I am feeling better, and he is now in a better mood since he has smoked his pot.

Oh my gosh, this will be the first time in about 10 weeks that I have stayed sober throughout my husband's off days. I DID IT, so is the show over, LOL!

Unfortunately, I think not.

But I will stay this. I started to feel VERY anxious about an hour ago, and it was in that moment in the past I would have used alcohol to sedate my anxiety. This time, I just sat with my anxiety and told myself that I will get through this as long as I don't drink.

And tomorrow he goes back to work for five days, YIPEE!!!

ScottFromWI

I would have been even better if you would have let him go to the liquor store on his own. There is no legitimate need for an alcoholic to be in a liquor store, especially in the early few days of quitting. Perhaps add that to your plan...set boundaries that you do not cross.

Soberintexas007

You are right. And some of the boundaries that I have set that I have had to assert include (1)me not bringing beer for him in my purse into movies theatres and also him not being allowed to drink alcohol as a passenger when I am driving the car. I have had to really enforce the last one.

And just to show you how other people enable alcoholics just like I sort of do.. So I was getting a manicure/pedicure today, and he was getting his hair cut in the same place. He brought in the 24 ounce beer into this public store. And the manager, my friend, told him that she can get a citation if someone in the store was to call the police and report him for drinking in a public store. You know what I was thinking? Then tell him to get rid of the beer or kick him out!!! Instead, she likes him and so just let him continue to drink his beer. So, I am not the only one enabling my husband!!!

least

Where I live you can get a citation for having an open container of alcohol in the car, whether you are drinking it or not. I would not drive my car if anyone riding in it wanted to drink. They would just have to not drink, or not ride. But they can't do both. My car, my rules.

Soberintexas007

Exactly. I have the same rule as you, which is why I don't allow my husband to drink in my car while I am driving. And can you imagine if I did allow him to drink? Putting the citation aside, he would be drinking 24/7 on our days off together - there is no way I could handle that.

Soberintexas007

It's interesting. Now that I am sober and watching him drink, I see what he does. Early in the day, he craves alcohol because he wants to get back that buzzed feeling. That is his "normal, relaxed" state. He has to continue drinking to keep that state of mind. But now, he is beginning to wear down without any alcohol, is growing tired, and has to get up and work tomorrow. One enjoys the alcohol in the beginning, but it sure has a bad ending. The solution is to "extinct" that buzzed feeling, to get away from it long enough that one forgets about it and soon learns to live in their own sober state and becomes content with that state of mind.

Soberintexas007

So my husband's stepfather got back from abroad today, and he had to come back early because of a medical condition (I think related to the heart). My husband has been drinking and asked if we could drive about 45 minutes north to go see his stepfather and smoke weed. OMG! This just shows how an active addict really does not care or think about other people when their drug is involved. Does my husband really think it would be good to put pot in his stepfather's face when he is possibly getting really sick? This is what I have been saying. It's not that my husband is an INSENSITIVE PERSON, it is just that when he is using, he cannot think rationally because he is addicted. Of course I told him no.

Now I just had a conversation with my husband about his using. I told him that when I was drinking, it seemed like he drank less because he had to take care of me and ensure nothing bad happened, which is a reason he was rational and would not want to go to a bar before a workday. Now that I am sober, he drinks so much more and just lets loose and wants to do all of these crazy things, like going to a bar tonight. I told him that I would never do this because that would be too much of a high risk situation for me. And then he said, "What comes around, goes around." As if he is now letting loose like I did when I drank. As if I am going to go to a bar and just sit there sober. Now it makes sense why he ordered that second tall beer last week when the bill came. He was seeing if I was going to drink, in which he would have to drink less so he can drive. When he sees me staying sober, he drinks more because he knows that he can get away with it.

I guess the solution is to really enforce my boundaries. At least I said no to the bar tonight.

Soberintexas007

Ugh, husband wanted another beer, and so I had to drive him to the store (I know I could have said no, but didn't want to deal with a temper tantrum tonight, especially since I am in early sobriety). Because of my anxiety dealing with his obnoxiousness, I ended up getting jack in the box, UGH! Just so glad he goes back to work tomorrow!

CodeJob

I've really wondered if it is immaturity that keeps you choosing to place yourself in dangerous places for a person working at recovery (casinos, liquor store multiple times in a night, cruises, staying with your potentially violent addict partner, not sticking to one game plan with recovery so nothing sticks)...

But ST, maybe it is all drama for you. That might be the zing behind your really confusing pattern of making decisions that do not show an interest in nailing down a real strong raft of personal recovery. I am concerned for you and I pray you figure out a true North soon.

WritingFromLife

Hi SoberinTx.....

Something that happened to me in early sobriety--and I see it happen in others often. I was so focused on a friend of mine's drinking, I lost focus of my own recovery. Seriously. I would wait for her to call to see if her words were slurring. I would get so frustrated that she would continue to do things alcoholics do--like I was expecting a "drunk to be sober". Now....I'm not saying this is what you are doing--however, from my wee little perspective over here, there is so much focus on your husband--I would bet money if my friend had been my husband that I lived with, I would be saying/doing exactly what you are doing. I wish I knew what the solution was when it's spouse that lives in your house!

My rambling point--you are tenacious. And obviously very intelligent. I can also see you are very compassionate. This is going to have to take a mental shift at least-one I know you are capable of with all of the studying and reading you do. You are analytical-like me! :-) (this is a gift, by the way) I can see you helping many.

So maybe this: Detach from yourself for a moment and read back through your posts as if they were written by client/patient you were seeing in your new counseling career.

What would you tell them?

Soberintexas007

Don't have time to read right now through all my posts; too much to do with studying, exercising, etc. But I would tell my client to try and work on focusing on her/himself and her/his sobriety. And that in time, by going to meetings, working the steps, and continuing with her/his own individual therapy, things will eventually fall into place.
Nothing happens overnight, especially with someone who is new to recovery from both gambling and alcohol addictions, as well as changing genders in the last ten years. Things take time, and life is a learning process.

Soberintexas007

Well, this is the first time in months that I have woken up sober on a Tuesday morning. Feels really nice. My husband drank so much yesterday that he passed out without taking his medication for his heart condition. I asked myself if I really wanted to get out of bed and get him water and his pills? Had he not been a bit obnoxious yesterday and annoying? Well, I decided to get his pills because I love him. He is an addict, and I care about him but hate his addiction. Call me severely codependent, but I somewhat enjoy taking care of a sick person. It gives my life more meaning. Maybe eventually I will hit my bottom with my codependency and there will be consequences for me, but in the meantime I truck on.

Onto day 5. It will be nice to have a day to myself today to exercise, study, go to a meeting, and watch the NBA finals.