What's fair to expect from a significant other?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I wanted some fresh orange juice today. So I went and got a bag of apples. Smashed some up and wouldn't ya know it, it wasn't fresh OJ. So I went at it again. Tried to mash them apples a lil different this time. That has to work!!!
And it STILL wasn't OJ!!!!
Now this time I got it!!! I manipulated them apples!!! Painted them orange and squeezed them just as I would some fresh oranges.
GGGGRRRRR!!!!!!! Why do I keep getting apple juice out of apples when I want orange Juice out of apples?!?!
Hhhmmmm......maybe I should stop expecting orange juice out of apples and accept that if I want orange juice I gotta get some oranges????
And it STILL wasn't OJ!!!!
Now this time I got it!!! I manipulated them apples!!! Painted them orange and squeezed them just as I would some fresh oranges.
GGGGRRRRR!!!!!!! Why do I keep getting apple juice out of apples when I want orange Juice out of apples?!?!
Hhhmmmm......maybe I should stop expecting orange juice out of apples and accept that if I want orange juice I gotta get some oranges????
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Not recovery related, but thanks for the memories, tomsteve. When I was young, my mother would take me to Disneyland (every other year, at least), and I still remember walking trough the orange groves from the motel to the Disneyland entrance.
Can't be done any longer. Somebody took what Joni Mitchell said to heart (in 'Big Yellow Taxi); they paved paradise and put up (extended) a parking lot........grrrrr
(o:
NoelleR
Can't be done any longer. Somebody took what Joni Mitchell said to heart (in 'Big Yellow Taxi); they paved paradise and put up (extended) a parking lot........grrrrr
(o:
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by sleepie 
Thank you.
So now I read about co-dependancy and I am afraid maybe my BF is a bit of that.
I now feel awful. What if I am doing this to him? I'm this awful person? I didn't mean to be. How do I fix this?
What do I tell him to do to create more balance? We read this thread together and talked about it. We really do like each other and want it to work, it's good when it's good and there are bumps in the road, we both know I need to quit drinking that's a no brainer.
So now I read about co-dependancy and I am afraid maybe my BF is a bit of that.
I now feel awful. What if I am doing this to him? I'm this awful person? I didn't mean to be. How do I fix this?
What do I tell him to do to create more balance? We read this thread together and talked about it. We really do like each other and want it to work, it's good when it's good and there are bumps in the road, we both know I need to quit drinking that's a no brainer.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 55
Hello sleepie.
I know you are in early recovery, but you also have been here for a long time too. So what I am about to tell you should not upset you too much.
Actually, if you can accept what I am about to say to you, you may even wake up from being sleepie.
Everybody is responsible for their own (not others) thoughts and actions.
Nobody has the right to expect anything from another human being. We do not own them.
I know you are in early recovery, but you also have been here for a long time too. So what I am about to tell you should not upset you too much.
Actually, if you can accept what I am about to say to you, you may even wake up from being sleepie.
Everybody is responsible for their own (not others) thoughts and actions.
Nobody has the right to expect anything from another human being. We do not own them.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by NotYouAgain
Everybody is responsible for their own (not others) thoughts and actions. Nobody has the right to expect anything from another human being. We do not own them.
I make every effort to have as much interdependency practiced in all my relationships with others be it business, professional, friendship, significant other, and so on. I have no "problems" with also expecting our reciprocal practice and establishment of nourishing our interdependent values. We both give and take into and from the relationship. So, yeah. I have many well practiced and very dynamic relationships with others, and my and their expectations are everywhere, as expected.
Codependency is a completely different kind of relationship, which really doesn't work well with expectations, needs, wants, reciprocal efforts, and sharing. One can be owned, bought, sold, and kicked to the curb in such codependency's. Unfortunately those who are hurting, seething with anger, lost and confused, these sort are very attracted to establish a codependent relationship rather than create a interdependent relationship.
Just food for thought.
Hi sleepie.
With respect to your present relationship with your BF I'm thinking it plays out as being much more about codependency then about interdependency. You can google "interdependency" as there is much to study and learn about such relationship dynamics, if you have any interest to do so. Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by sleepie
I started getting some weeks of sobriety back in December when I was not working and was living off a weeee bit of savings with a little help from my boyfriend. It was the longest I'd been sober in weeks. Knowing he was there for me helped so much. Later though he revealed it stressed him out- but at the same time he would say he was happy to do things for me, or help me out or whatever.
So I have been getting more and more sober time but usually fall off a few times a month.
He recently helped me a bit with paying for a Dr. to get me off benzoes, but then guilted me a bunch over it ().
he makes plenty of money, I make six dollars an hour and have to work a much longer day, plus he works at home so kind of does whatever he wants with lots of breaks
SO I am unsure- am I to do this totally alone with no support at all? I thought couples were supposed to be there for each other? And he says one thing but then guilts me about it.
He has actually had a pretty easy life. Really, really easy compared to most. First world problems don't even begin to describe the laments he has.
I suggested breaking up because I don't want to be guilted about things- I went through that growing up- my number one offense being born and ruining everything because I was an unwanted pregnancy. I was often reminded about that one. Being guilt tripped really really triggers me and I have been drinking this week.
So I have been getting more and more sober time but usually fall off a few times a month.
He recently helped me a bit with paying for a Dr. to get me off benzoes, but then guilted me a bunch over it ().
he makes plenty of money, I make six dollars an hour and have to work a much longer day, plus he works at home so kind of does whatever he wants with lots of breaks
SO I am unsure- am I to do this totally alone with no support at all? I thought couples were supposed to be there for each other? And he says one thing but then guilts me about it.
He has actually had a pretty easy life. Really, really easy compared to most. First world problems don't even begin to describe the laments he has.
I suggested breaking up because I don't want to be guilted about things- I went through that growing up- my number one offense being born and ruining everything because I was an unwanted pregnancy. I was often reminded about that one. Being guilt tripped really really triggers me and I have been drinking this week.
He has actually had a pretty easy life. Really, really easy compared to most. First world problems don't even begin to describe the laments he has.
Yes, he`s your boyfriend but his financial situation has nothing to do with you getting six bucks an hour.
If you`re feeling guilt-tripped consider leaving him. However, to continue using this as excuse to drink seems pretty thin.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by tomsteve
I wanted some fresh orange juice today. So I went and got a bag of apples. Smashed some up and wouldn't ya know it, it wasn't fresh OJ. So I went at it again. Tried to mash them apples a lil different this time. That has to work!!!
And it STILL wasn't OJ!!!!
Now this time I got it!!! I manipulated them apples!!! Painted them orange and squeezed them just as I would some fresh oranges.
GGGGRRRRR!!!!!!! Why do I keep getting apple juice out of apples when I want orange Juice out of apples?!?!
Hhhmmmm......maybe I should stop expecting orange juice out of apples and accept that if I want orange juice I gotta get some oranges????
And it STILL wasn't OJ!!!!
Now this time I got it!!! I manipulated them apples!!! Painted them orange and squeezed them just as I would some fresh oranges.
GGGGRRRRR!!!!!!! Why do I keep getting apple juice out of apples when I want orange Juice out of apples?!?!
Hhhmmmm......maybe I should stop expecting orange juice out of apples and accept that if I want orange juice I gotta get some oranges????
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by NotYouAgain
Hello sleepie.
I know you are in early recovery, but you also have been here for a long time too. So what I am about to tell you should not upset you too much.
Actually, if you can accept what I am about to say to you, you may even wake up from being sleepie.
Everybody is responsible for their own (not others) thoughts and actions.
Nobody has the right to expect anything from another human being. We do not own them.
I know you are in early recovery, but you also have been here for a long time too. So what I am about to tell you should not upset you too much.
Actually, if you can accept what I am about to say to you, you may even wake up from being sleepie.
Everybody is responsible for their own (not others) thoughts and actions.
Nobody has the right to expect anything from another human being. We do not own them.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 82
At some level I understand we can't expect from others really I do. However if we are not expecting from those we love and they from us life is mechanical. You are born, you live, you die....all interactions are expectations.... It's not bad. I expect everyone to keep our community clean .... Is it right? Then why can't I expect from others? Why can't I expect more from someone whom I have shared more than a decade and have kids with? Why can't they expect from me?
Sorry if a tangent but expectations from ourselves and others is what makes living a life. Just my two cents
Sorry if a tangent but expectations from ourselves and others is what makes living a life. Just my two cents
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 122
Might be one for a separate thread? Don't want to derail sleepie's thread that deal with important issues.
There is a difference between 'expectation' and relationships built on how people actually choose to behave. We can 'expect' someone to behave in a particular way but we can't force them to. Our relationships are built on how people are not how we would like them to be.
There is a difference between 'expectation' and relationships built on how people actually choose to behave. We can 'expect' someone to behave in a particular way but we can't force them to. Our relationships are built on how people are not how we would like them to be.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Goodstart it is not about why you can or cannot expect things from others. It is about what brings us peace and stability. Often on these boards we are talking about the extreme situations of living with or loving someone in active addiction and in that case, managing one's own expectations about that person can save your sanity. In my case, stripping away expectations from all others in my life has moved me into a place where gratitude is at the forefront and resentments are in my rearview mirror.
So my husband does a lot of things for me. He makes my lunch everyday before work and a smoothie every morning for breakfast. I'm grateful he takes the time -- he doesn't have to, and it makes my life a little easier. But as soon as I lay down an "expectation" upon him to do these things, I set myself up for a resentment later if it doesn't happen one day. On a larger scale, I sincerely hope my husband is never unfaithful to me. But I don't hold on to the idea that he owes me this, or something changes in our relationship dynamic that I don't like. I try to accept him for who he is right now, and be grateful for what we have today. I have no idea what will happen to us in the future, and I don't think I am anymore entitled to a lifetime free of betrayal and hurt than anyone else.
Having no expectations of others, in the long run, keeps me from hurting myself for not being able to accept whatever situation I am in. It's life; I'm going to get hurt someday and I can't prevent that. I do have the choice not to saddle others with meeting my needs and then being disappointed when they can't. I have the choice not to suffer under the weight of my own resentments.
I'm not sure if that was clear, but that's what I've got.
So my husband does a lot of things for me. He makes my lunch everyday before work and a smoothie every morning for breakfast. I'm grateful he takes the time -- he doesn't have to, and it makes my life a little easier. But as soon as I lay down an "expectation" upon him to do these things, I set myself up for a resentment later if it doesn't happen one day. On a larger scale, I sincerely hope my husband is never unfaithful to me. But I don't hold on to the idea that he owes me this, or something changes in our relationship dynamic that I don't like. I try to accept him for who he is right now, and be grateful for what we have today. I have no idea what will happen to us in the future, and I don't think I am anymore entitled to a lifetime free of betrayal and hurt than anyone else.
Having no expectations of others, in the long run, keeps me from hurting myself for not being able to accept whatever situation I am in. It's life; I'm going to get hurt someday and I can't prevent that. I do have the choice not to saddle others with meeting my needs and then being disappointed when they can't. I have the choice not to suffer under the weight of my own resentments.
I'm not sure if that was clear, but that's what I've got.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Hey Sleepie.... So, there is way too much good info here for anyone to possibly be able to add anything better.
I'm like Sparklekitty... from the other side of the boards. For us, it is best to put distance with our "A's" in order for us to keep our sanity. And yes, it goes completely against the grain of a normal, caring relationship. I truly believe that partners should be supportive of one another. It's just that us codependents tend to go over-board with that and try a myriad of control tactics or self-delusion methods in order to get our "A's" to stop drinking. In the end, we are unsuccessful, and most of us find that our own lives and our own happiness is in shambles right along with our "A's"...
But I'm not getting that reality when I read your post.
What I am reading is that he is an enabler. He doesn't seem to be supportive of your efforts or your want to be sober, and he helps you repeat your childhood trauma through the guilt. While all of this is completely workable, I don't think that any of it is even worth working on until you can get a hold of your sobriety. That is the MOST important thing. Anything in your way needs to go....
Don't you think that the most healthy thing to do is for you to take care of yourself? I am willing to bet that once you really get that ball rolling, you'll discover even more unhealthy habits in this relationship, and you may begin to want something better suited to your needs. Or else... he would have to be willing to work on himself as well.
Good luck!
I'm like Sparklekitty... from the other side of the boards. For us, it is best to put distance with our "A's" in order for us to keep our sanity. And yes, it goes completely against the grain of a normal, caring relationship. I truly believe that partners should be supportive of one another. It's just that us codependents tend to go over-board with that and try a myriad of control tactics or self-delusion methods in order to get our "A's" to stop drinking. In the end, we are unsuccessful, and most of us find that our own lives and our own happiness is in shambles right along with our "A's"...
But I'm not getting that reality when I read your post.
What I am reading is that he is an enabler. He doesn't seem to be supportive of your efforts or your want to be sober, and he helps you repeat your childhood trauma through the guilt. While all of this is completely workable, I don't think that any of it is even worth working on until you can get a hold of your sobriety. That is the MOST important thing. Anything in your way needs to go....
Don't you think that the most healthy thing to do is for you to take care of yourself? I am willing to bet that once you really get that ball rolling, you'll discover even more unhealthy habits in this relationship, and you may begin to want something better suited to your needs. Or else... he would have to be willing to work on himself as well.
Good luck!
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