4 years today
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
4 years today
Today is 4 years with no drinking. I'm not even suppost to be here today.
But I am so perhaps I'm suppost to be here today. At the end of my drinking
days I'd hammer 15+ beers and whatever else I could find till I feel down
drunk each night. then in order to stay asleep and offset the middle of the
night jitters I'd take a few ibprofin and a sleeping pill or 2 before bed. I
could barely get up the stairs without huffing and puffing as I smoked 2+
packs a day as well. All night long I'd hack my brains out and since my
stomach was a mess from all the drinking I'd routinely start puking as well.
I could hardly breathe at night from all the cigarettes. If I woke up in the
middle of the night for any reason I'd hobble around like a 90 year old man
in excrutiating pain and agony. Pain in my joints and my bones etc.. I
routinely had panic attacks all day long in the end. Drinking no longer
calmed me down much nor did cigarettes.
Sobering up was hands down the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to get
really really selfish about it and make it my #1 goal. Life really stunk
while I drank and for a good while it really stunk when I sobered up too.
Eventually in time tho it got easier.
Some big stuff for me to learn along the way is "its ok to be content with
how things are" I was raised that one should never settle achieve a goal and
immediately strive for the next never settle. This just constantly made me
feel in adequate not good enough and like the weight of the world was always
on my shoulders in order to achieve the next goal. That was wrong for me.
Being ok with how things are taking that time to soak in the scenery ands
mell the roses and just relax and dare I say be bored is very important and
there is nothing wrong with it for me it needed to be embraced.
Learning that life is like a tv station with 3 channels past,present, future
and that I should only stay tuned into the present as that's more then
enough for me to handle was a very valuable lesson. I struggled and still
struggle a lot to stay in the present but its where I'm happiest even who
some might say "Oh but what about your future you should plan..." nah screw
the future I got enough on my plate in the here and now. Living in the
moment? Yes absolutely its all we ever have.
I've gone from Obese drunk smoker raised a catholic to slim lean vegan
runner reading buddahism stuff or whatever else I can devour. Point is I've
had to expand my perspective and get out of my comfort zone so many times in
order to help better understand this life and how to be happy in it etc..
My mom used to tell me when i was a kid that all i wanted to do was grow up
and be peter pan. It used to anger me so much that she'd say that. Now I
think shes right. I really do just wanna be peter pan.
Anyhow I hope this isn't too long but today is 4 years for me! and "I'm not
even suppost to be here today!" -dante from clerks.
But I am so perhaps I'm suppost to be here today. At the end of my drinking
days I'd hammer 15+ beers and whatever else I could find till I feel down
drunk each night. then in order to stay asleep and offset the middle of the
night jitters I'd take a few ibprofin and a sleeping pill or 2 before bed. I
could barely get up the stairs without huffing and puffing as I smoked 2+
packs a day as well. All night long I'd hack my brains out and since my
stomach was a mess from all the drinking I'd routinely start puking as well.
I could hardly breathe at night from all the cigarettes. If I woke up in the
middle of the night for any reason I'd hobble around like a 90 year old man
in excrutiating pain and agony. Pain in my joints and my bones etc.. I
routinely had panic attacks all day long in the end. Drinking no longer
calmed me down much nor did cigarettes.
Sobering up was hands down the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to get
really really selfish about it and make it my #1 goal. Life really stunk
while I drank and for a good while it really stunk when I sobered up too.
Eventually in time tho it got easier.
Some big stuff for me to learn along the way is "its ok to be content with
how things are" I was raised that one should never settle achieve a goal and
immediately strive for the next never settle. This just constantly made me
feel in adequate not good enough and like the weight of the world was always
on my shoulders in order to achieve the next goal. That was wrong for me.
Being ok with how things are taking that time to soak in the scenery ands
mell the roses and just relax and dare I say be bored is very important and
there is nothing wrong with it for me it needed to be embraced.
Learning that life is like a tv station with 3 channels past,present, future
and that I should only stay tuned into the present as that's more then
enough for me to handle was a very valuable lesson. I struggled and still
struggle a lot to stay in the present but its where I'm happiest even who
some might say "Oh but what about your future you should plan..." nah screw
the future I got enough on my plate in the here and now. Living in the
moment? Yes absolutely its all we ever have.
I've gone from Obese drunk smoker raised a catholic to slim lean vegan
runner reading buddahism stuff or whatever else I can devour. Point is I've
had to expand my perspective and get out of my comfort zone so many times in
order to help better understand this life and how to be happy in it etc..
My mom used to tell me when i was a kid that all i wanted to do was grow up
and be peter pan. It used to anger me so much that she'd say that. Now I
think shes right. I really do just wanna be peter pan.
Anyhow I hope this isn't too long but today is 4 years for me! and "I'm not
even suppost to be here today!" -dante from clerks.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
A great post and a wonderful story ZJW. Thanks so much for sharing it as well as all of your contributions to SR. I really like your analogy about life having 3 channels....i have problems tuning to the present sometimes too, but it sure helps when you can. And most of all congratulations on 4 years, that is fantastic!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
A great post and a wonderful story ZJW. Thanks so much for sharing it as well as all of your contributions to SR. I really like your analogy about life having 3 channels....i have problems tuning to the present sometimes too, but it sure helps when you can. And most of all congratulations on 4 years, that is fantastic!
My problem for soo soo long was i sat there trying to watch/juggle all 3. if i'm not careful I'll still try and watch the other 2.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
for what its worth i dont think I did it on my own by any means. there is a picture I've seen once and I wish i could find it again. of a guy drowning in a whirlpool with a hand extended out reaching out to him. I very much felt that way when i sobered up. I was in a very strange place for many many months after i sobered up. Something / someone just told me to hang on and keep going.
i never for one instant at that time thought i'd be where I am now. I just struggled through 1 day at a time.
i never for one instant at that time thought i'd be where I am now. I just struggled through 1 day at a time.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: Middle of IL
Posts: 18
Outstanding! That is the best and most accurate description of learning to live sober as it relates to me. My day is better for having read this. Thank you and a Major Congratulations on a Major Accomplishment! Well done!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by FarToGo
Wow 4 years! Respect to you!
"Hang on and keep going... " I like that, I need that one. Thanks
x
"Hang on and keep going... " I like that, I need that one. Thanks
x
its like something reached into the pit of hell that iw as in and YANKED me out of it. I didnt kick or scream I had no fight left in me. About the only thing i said was sure wtvr it wont work i'll never get sober you can try all you want it'll never work i've been down this road before I know this game being sober isnt in the cards for me a horrible drunken death and life? yes sober? no. All it said to me was hang on. It didnt matter it wasnt going to let go of me.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
Originally Posted by zjw
oh I asked why. what for. whats the point this will never work. but that voice kept saying just hang on I got you.
its like something reached into the pit of hell that iw as in and YANKED me out of it. I didnt kick or scream I had no fight left in me. About the only thing i said was sure wtvr it wont work i'll never get sober you can try all you want it'll never work i've been down this road before I know this game being sober isnt in the cards for me a horrible drunken death and life? yes sober? no. All it said to me was hang on. It didnt matter it wasnt going to let go of me.
its like something reached into the pit of hell that iw as in and YANKED me out of it. I didnt kick or scream I had no fight left in me. About the only thing i said was sure wtvr it wont work i'll never get sober you can try all you want it'll never work i've been down this road before I know this game being sober isnt in the cards for me a horrible drunken death and life? yes sober? no. All it said to me was hang on. It didnt matter it wasnt going to let go of me.
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