QuietToday

Went wrong.

I can hardly explain right now. I've drank all night and I've been out of alcohol for an hour or so now and I'm just finally at the point where I can swallow water down. I'm very messed up and I feel awful and I'm rather scared because for the two nights I've fallen off it has been very bad.

So I went off last night because I went out with this girl an d it didn't finish as it "could" have, you understand? So she was upset and I was trying to say to Hell with it but I couldn't do it--- or I could have, but I didn't want to? Anyway, she says to meet her at the park and I know it's sex but when I get there she has a bottle of wine. And it's not just a bottle of wine but one of the big bottles.
So I drink it. I told this girl when I left for school I was a drunk, but it has never stopped her from drinking or offering me drinks when I'm around. It's a really unhealthy thing but I haven't let it go because I'm an idiot.
Anyway, I drank a serious little of this thing and I was loaded. It wasn't even a regular bottle's worth, I swear. Maybe two glasses? I was absolutely trashed though. And it was really, really bad. I ended up doing something I'm not proud of, and then I drove drunk, and then I came home and cursed myself and said What the **** is Wrong with You?!

And then tonight. I don't know what happened. I don't.
My buddy works at a liquor store. I went over there while getting coffee, said Hello, said let's hang out, and then left. I didn't buy any alcohol.
He calls me when his shift is about over and asks if I want anything. I say one Fosters. I immediately regret it--- but don't call to say forget it.

I drink it.
And that's it.
He left four hours ago. Since then I've drank all of my father's Newcastle (8 bottles).

I feel like garbage.
I'm scared.
I'm embarassed.
I'm enraged.

I can't get it together. Even though I know not to drink, I do it. When my buddy came over tonight with that single can of fosters, I should have thrown it in the garbage. I could have thrown it in the garbage. But I didn't. And now I've drank myself stupid, and I've chain-smoked enough so my heart feels like it is ripping out, and I hate myself enough to want to rip my veins out--- and I knew all of this was going to happen before I took the first sip of that beer tonight.


Just crazy. I'm so out of it. I knew all of this was going to happen. I knew not to drink yesterday, and I knew not to drink tonight. But I did it. And it's awful..



And I have to ask this. My tolerance is abysmal. For a long time I was drinking 15-20 beers a day before reaching the drunkeness I did tonight from four beers. Should I be worried? Is there something happening here I should be scared of?

I'm a damn mess.

Soberintexas007

First off, if your tolerance has gone down from 15-20 beers to 4, then I would think that is a good thing, right?

So, it just seems like you slipped by drinking that first beer. And you stated that you drank even though you knew the consequences. Is it then possible that the current consequences aren't severe enough to influence a decrease in your drinking?

QuietToday

I really hope I don't sound like a fool right now, but by that do you mean that my drinking isn't severe enough to bother me?

It's true, in some ways. I'm a college student, and I'm on Summer break. I haven't even found a job yet (interview Thursday, though), so really there aren't consequences (except for driving drunk, which absolutely blows my mind that I did that. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking. Absolutely crazy and idiotic, but I did it...).
But I just want to be sober. I just don't understand.

When it's me alone, I can do it. I wake up and I say, "You're not drinkng today." And I can do it. I really can. I say No!, and that's it. Sometimes I get cravings, sure, but I can push through them.

But the moment I introduce a third party, I stop thinking. A girl says "Have some wine," or a buddy says, "Here's a beer," and I can't stop myself. I just take it--- it's like a lit stick of dynamite, but I still take it, knowingly and regardless.


It's horrifying. I'm an awful alcoholic. I don't have any control over myself, and the moment I sip I can't comprehend consequences---

But the reason I want to get sober is because my life is finally good. I graduated community college, my first semester at university ended with straight A's--- I'm so close to my dream right now, and I want to experience it. And I need sobriety to do that. But every single time I drink anymore I jeapordize it. I gamble my very existence.
It makes me want to tear myself to shreds. It really does. I don't know what the hell I'm doing the moment I touch alcohol anymore. I really don't. I am completely out of control, and I know this, and it terrifies me--- but for two nights in a row I did it. I could have ruined my life. I could have killed myself even. But I still did it----

I'm just so scared right now. I really am. There is too much to lose now. There really is. But I can't cut the ****.

Dee74

Hi QT
first thing is don;t panic

you had a bit of a 'lost weekend' but I've seen folks come back from worse.

I think it's fair to say that if you have a recovery plan, you need a better one tho?
I'm not sure what you've been doing so far, but this link might help you make a new more focused plan

https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf

Staying sober means some changes and I know that's scary - noone likes changes and not knowing where they're going....but there's lots of us here who been there.

Noone would stay sober if they felt they lost out on the deal QT.

My life is immeasurably better now than it was as a drinker.

Pick yourself up and re-commit to recovery.

There's no end of support here

D

FeenixxRising

Decreasing tolerance is not good sign Quiet. Google "reverse alcohol tolerance". I suggest you see your doctor ASAP and ask to have your liver tested. Everything may be fine, but you should get checked out.

Dee74

There certainly is a thing called reverse tolerance but I'm going to go against the grain here and say that none of us here are qualified to tell you if you have a liver problem or not.

My tolerance went up and down according to many things - my alcohol intake, my general health, whether I'd eaten.

If you're concerned, you're best to see your Dr, QT

D

FeenixxRising

Agree. Tolerance can depend on many factors. QT, it's not my intent to alarm you, but having a doctor check you out wouldn't hurt.

QuietToday

Thanks for the link, Dee. I don't have a plan--- I'm still idealistic about when I first quit last Summer. I just said 'Forget it!" and that was it; four months sober, no problem.
But it's harder now. It really is. So it's time I start making a plan and really organizing the way I do this. I know this is true, and while I definitely don't like changes, I am willing to make them

Tomorrow, or the next day when I've a truly clear head, I'll thoroughly review and organize based on that link and get thinking!

I probably should. I went to the doctors before I started the Spring semester, in January, and I checked out OK. Couldn't hurt to go again though!

uncle holmes

QT, have you tried AA? If not, I suggest you call information for AA meetings in your area and get to one as soon as possible!