HeatherKy1

I know I am an alcoholic. I am and have been a "high functioning alcoholoc " for 25 years. Anyone who has not lost everything. ...please help me understand this insideous disease. I don't want to reach "bottom". As miserable as I am....i just need some sanity.

Dee74

Hi Heather

To me a bottom need not be a cataclysmic event - it can simply be us saying 'enough'.

It sounds like you're at that point. You'll find a lot of support here.

do you have any ideas on what you might do to help you stay sober?

D

HeatherKy1

I have absolutely no idea. I won't even say I have "tried" AA. I have attended a couple of meetings but felt completely like a fish out of water. I am at a loss here.

Marine28

Heather, welcome to the site. I, like you, was a high functioning alcoholic. Unfortunately for me, I got a DUI which was my big wake up call. I went to AA before I got the DUI and did not go back for the same reason However, after the DUI, I went because the court ordered me to go and report that I went. I too felt like a fish out of water but I promise you if you go and simply state that you are new, people will gather around to help you out. I don't subscribe to all of what the AA program is, but I get a lot out of listening to other peoples stories. I still go to a meeting once a week, I come here to this site and read and post. I have also attended a few SMART meetings. Doing a combination of all of these things has helped me. Happy to help and if you so desire, feel free to PM me.

Marine

Dee74

There are some great recovery plan ideas here Heather:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

D

HeatherKy1

Thank you. I Don't even know what I expected in response to my post. I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. But i dont necessarily trust the go to "resources " either. I am just dazed and confused at this point.

Dee74

Noones trying to push you into anything Heather - just trying to help

Read around and post as much as you like

D

Mags1

Hi Heather, I was a functioning alcoholic with some very close calls which still didn't stop me from drinking. The thing was, I didn't want to stop drinking. I tried cutting down, drinking at weekends, none of them worked for me. I needed to stop completely and that was scary. Life without booze, what else was there, what would I do, how could I live without it?

This site has been my lifeline as its my preference than face to face and it is 24/7 !
There's an enormous amount of support and assistance to receive and give.

I found myself not alone on sr, I had people from all over the earth who understood stood and had experienced what I was going through.

It sounds like you've had enough of the way drink affects your life. Have a look around and buckle in and hold on tight. This journey isn't an easy one but. It's very well worth it. And we are here for support all the way.

HeatherKy1

I know you are. And I Appreciate it....sincerely. I am just so pissed off that it has come to this. I don't know how else to put it.

Venecia

Welcome, Heather.

I know where you're coming from. I think when we recognize the have a problem, we've made a huge step forward. One of the reasons I decided to commit to sobriety is that alcoholism is a progressive disease. If someone had told me, 15 years before I quit, what the volume and frequency of my drinking would become, I would have been flabbergasted.

My concern was that while I'd not lost tangible things -- no arrests, no job loss -- I wondered how much longer that would last as the progression continued.

It's understandable that you're feeling a little overwhelmed right now. We've all walked a mile in those shoes. The important thing is that you're here and ready to make positive change. It starts by taking alcohol off the table. You can do this.

HeatherKy1

Thanks to everyone for the support. I have GOT to address this issue...somehow....some way. I am just angry. Angry that I have soooooo many blessings in my life that I threaten every single day bc of alcohol and a little pissed off that those closest to me would prefer to look the other way. Even my own children don't want to seem to acknowledge the fact that their mother is an alcoholic!!! This is not new!! I have known since I was 18 that I had a serious issue with alcohol. I just dont understand how everyone I love doesn't see this. It honestly makes me feel like a crazy person.

Yazzylove

Hi Heather! (Warning long post :-)

It took me so long to finally give up and accept the fact that I was an alcoholic period! No sugar coating it, no questioning it, no comparisons to others who are 'way worse than I am'..

I was/am a high functioning alcoholic because:
-Single parent of two kids with no help from anyone
Six figure income, manage a department at a global med device company
- nice house, nice car
-never had a DUI, never got in trouble period
-never missed a day of work due to my drinking( felt like **** everyday but I would show up)
-didn't start my drinking till after 6pm
-never missed any commitments
-didn't have any issues with friends or family,
- church every single Sunday.. My list can go on forever...

The point is from the outside everything looked peachy hence the struggle to admit my issue! In fact nobody even knows I'm an alcoholic or even thought I was a problem drinker.. In fact when I would bring up the fact that I may be an alcoholic, 100%of friends and family would think I was a drama queen and swore up and down that I wasn't...

But here is how I finally came to the conclusion and accepted that I was an alcoholic and needed to stop!
-drank two bottles of wine every single night and smoked nearly a pack of cigs every single night alone in my garage, (people without addiction problems don't do this)
-towards the end of my drinking a bottle will be consumed on my way home from work, (so drinking and driving) the other bottle sometime during the night till I passed out
-was also depressed, filled with anxiety, a loaner most of the time, suicidal.
-kids knew instantly that I was drunk and HATED it!!
-thought that I could not talk on the phone to anybody without being buzzed ( cause for some reason thought I was a deeper conversationalist.. Lol)
-never remembered my phone conversations with people the next day
- drunk texting people late at night
-hated myself which was the worst of them all

So there you have it! You are not alone! We are here to help you get through this!

Almost 2 months alcohol free! And I have never felt better in my life! And alcohol is the direct cause of all my issues I've listed! It was just a no brainer to give it up!!

Good luck to you and PM me anytime!

HeatherKy1

Thanks to everyone who has replied. But Yazzy that is me! This whole "disease" of alcoholism truly is insane. I have walked a very thin line for a very long time. I just truly want some peace in my life at this point. I'm exhausted.

Mags1

Hi Heather, why don't you have it a try? What have you to lose? Just one bite size piece at a time, one small step.

I think when I first stopped , ok I had a lot of anxieties and withdrawals but to drive my car to work in a morning knowing most definitely that I was sober and in the old days praying the police wouldn't pull me over just in case, I was then wishing they would, because you know what, I was sober! Great feeling.

Yazzylove

I was too Heather! Exhausted and in mental agony and guilt over my drinking!

I put the bottle(s) down on my 36th birthday April 7th. I just went to work and on my way home I just decided that I was not going to do my usual nightly drinking I just did not want to drink period..and went to an AA meeting.


So my anniversary day is my actual birthday! Easy to remember! For some reason that just made me stop! Not wanting to have a stop date on any other day but my birthday!

Hey whatever gets us there! You really don't have to do this to yourself if you don't want to! It sucks of course in the beginning! But all of us have been there! It really DOES get better! I promise you! If it didn't we would all still be drinking! Just have to trust that everybody Can't be lying about how life just gets better!

Venecia

And you never have to feel that way again. It may seem daunting now, but it is so very worthwhile. The challenge is there, but it is very doable. In a little more than two months, I'll have my two-year anniversary of sobriety. I'm so glad I chose this path.

Hawkeye13

I was high-bottom too Heather--several advanced degrees, great career,
no arrests or other issues but it was beginning to creep more visibly into my
daily performance and I was having increasing health issues.

Quitting was the smartest move I ever made--
I couldn't imagine life without alcohol and now
I can't imagine life with alcohol ever again.

Welcome

HeatherKy1

So I didn't sleep very well last night. The kids are with their dad....which is a good thing. I am going to take a shower....get ready and hit AA all day long I think. Haha. I really am at the point where I am ready to have what I know I CAN have if I remove alcohol from the equation. Thanks for all of the responses. It's not like you can talk about this with just anyone. It really is a help to know other people can relate.

zjw

I was sick and tired of drinking long before i got panic attacks that drove me to quit. I got tired of it but basicly embraced it further instead the last few years I drank ::facepalm:: I'd like to say the panic attacks where my bottom. I needed to do something to resolve them and the only choice I had was to quit drinking. Thankfully I took that option.

and yeah once you quit you will have what every other sober person has in time. you will get some peace and happiness. its a process thats why there is sites like this and AA etc... Its not like quiting cigarettes where in a few weeks you can move forward. Drinking goes deeper.

you'll be better off without it.

GnikNus

Panic attacks were also what drove me to quit drinking. Debilitating feelings of impending doom and death. Terrible stuff. I had never heard of that being part and parcel I alcoholism until I joined SR.
It can be harder to quit if you are a functioning Alcoholic, since people around you may have overlooked the drinking because of the high function. Many people equate alcoholism with someone penniless and homeless, laying on a bench all day drinking.
The peace and contentment mentioned by others on this thread is the best gift sobriety has to offer. A lot of us have forgotten what that is like, since alcohol takes us to dark places. Whatever your bottom is, out it down for good. Start to live the real life. Drinking takes from life, in more ways than one.