How alone do you feel?
 

I can't say I've ever felt more alone in my life than I do now, although that would be a lie. I can't say I've ever felt not alone. I was emotionally abused by my parents my entire childhood and I don't know what its like to have a support structure or people that love you.

I joined the USAF after high school to get away from my family who made me feel like I was nothing. After 2 deployments the drinking set in. The USAF abandoned me after a drinking incident.

I decided to try out school, which I'm still in. 3.5 GPA and 2 more semesters to go. But, I'm 26 and lie to everyone about my age to fit in. I told one person my age and they acted weird to me the rest of the time so now I lie. I work a minimum wage job, b/c without a degree there is nothing else I can do.

In between all this, I've had multiple relationships and been cheated on 4 times while I gave them everything and my heart.

I've given my friends everything too. I told 4 of my friends I was thinking about killing myself a few months ago. None of them came to see me.

I saw a psychiatrist at the VA. He told me there was nothing wrong with me and that I just hadn't found the meaning of life.

I saw a social worker at the VA after that and she told me that this just might be how I am meant to feel my entire life. I told her I would kill myself if that was the case. She suggested I do yoga.

Just feel alone.

Hi Rick

I'm sorry you feel alone - I felt that way for a lot of my life too - I think you'll find a lot of us have or maybe still do.

Insecurity made me feel like other people wouldn't or couldn't like me.
When others let me down, I felt that proved my case.

Quitting drinking was a major step forward tho - instead of pushing all my insecurities to one side I had to face them. Instead of drinking problems away I had to face them.

I don't know how long you've been sober - do things seem to be getting better for you in any way or simply worse ?

It took me a while to untie some mental knots - I'd thought a certain way for 40 years - but the results were worth it :)

I'm sorry the people you've seen about this have been of little help.

There are good therapists and counsellors out there - don't give up on finding hope peace and happiness :)

You're never alone here either - there's a ton of support here. Feel free to check out the Class of June support thread in the Newcomers forum :)

D

You are not alone. You have us :) We are always here. I like what Dee said, wise man.
I'm sorry you don't seem to be getting the help you need but it is out there. I've found great therapists and treatment. Can you see any providers outside the VA system?

No, the only insurance I have is the VA. Yeah, he is wise and very resilient. I'm sorry too, I was told b/c I actually sleep 8 hours a night that I can't be diagnosed with a mental illness.

That doesn't sound right to me Rick.

D

Nor me, but after listening to me that is exactly what he said. I do not exaggerate or say things people didn't say. He suggested I see the social worker and she said that this might just be the way I'm going to feel the rest of my life and that yoga might help. I was handed a CD and was led on my way. So who knows why I came back to this site. I haven't been back for months. All these years I might just be looking for something that doesn't exist. Anyway, God bless and take care.

Hi, Rick.

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

Stick with SR. Post often. Join your monthly class. The link to the class of June 2015 is on the Newcomers Forum.

I joined my class and found the support there that helped me so much. The other day, I was telling a friend there -- one who had a really, really rough upbringing -- that the genetic lottery can be very unkind. But it doesn't prevent us from growing, finding other places in the world where we can become healthier people. And I truly believe that.

Life must feel hard right now. Please know that it can be better. By giving up alcohol -- forever -- we can create new paths for ourselves. Dee has given a lot of himself here in how he's shared his story. He shows us how very much is truly possible and very much in our reach.

I wish you the very best. Stick around.

Just to be clear I wasn't doubting your story rick - just the quality and veracity of the advice you received :)

why not get in on the ground floor of the new Class of June support thread?
Lots of good folks there :)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-2015-a-5.html

Maybe that will help. I'm sure its better than the alternative. My phone stays silent. All my friends are busy with their owns lives.

I haven't been in a relationship since November. We had been together for a few months when her 6 month old baby brother was killed by a family member. I remember holding her for a week straight while she was crying. A few weeks after that I found out she had been cheating on me with someone from her home town the entire time we were together.

Such is life I suppose. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me. Or what I did to deserve being abandoned by so many people after giving my heart. I remember the day she told me he died I spent the whole day drinking and crying.

I'm still here, and I guess that's something. I guess that's something. So that's why I'm here b/c no one else cares. Literally. I've got all these problems but nobody will listen and only tell me I'm okay. I'm not.

Some rough stuff in your life. It's awful to be hurt by someone you trusted. Been there.

You may not be OK at this very moment. But this very moment won't last forever. OK is definitely within your reach. You're among friends here, Rick.

We are here to listen, and we care. Alcohol definitely does not care though, and it will keep you from getting many of the things you desire.

Yo Rick. I know what you are going through, I can personally relate to every bit of your OP. So you are not alone in that regard.

I'm in the exact same boat here, it's really difficult. And not a lot of people are going to understand unfortunately. There are a few of us on this site in the 'Adult Children' subforum mainly.

So stick around, at the moment I am trying to accept the fact and am learning more about the conditions I grew up in. It's very difficult but it's the answer I have been looking for all my life.


You didn't answer about the drinking part? You are probably tired of hearing about that, I know I was. The professionals you see are likely not implying that your problems are caused by alcohol.

Thats what I thought, and was frustrated by that. The fact is that it exacerbates the negative feelings you are experiencing and will lead you toward total despair. Which is why it is so important.


I understand your frustrations with the health professionals, believe me. They may not fully understand what you are going through, and certainly they are not going through it with you.

Sometimes offering you a forum to vent, a cd to listen to or a book to read is all they can do then so try not to feel at odds with those people. You are never truly alone, stick around bud...

I appreciate it. I haven't felt okay since the day I found out. I remember the day I found out I went to her apartment to confront her. After hold her crying all those nights she refused to see me. It was bad for a long time until it was a little better. I thought about killing myself for a long time. Not for her, but just b/c of how my life had turned out. I had taken in so much sadness and hurt. So, I sought help, and was told I didn't have an issue. I'm not among anyone. The only reason I came here was b/c I have no one in real life. There really isn't anything for anyone to say.

The only thing I desire is to know what it feels like for someone to love me. Thats something I've never felt before.

Anyway, take care to both of you, god bless and good luck in your journey.

I appreciate the reply. I haven't been sober for a long time. As I've said, I'm more frustrated than anything. I appreciate the reply, and I wish you luck with your own personal journey. As far as the VA clinic and having deployed, I expected more. But, I'm not here to place blame. In fact, I don't know why I'm here b/c its not to get sober, its the only thing that makes me feel alive. Otherwise I only feel like I'm drifting alone in the current. I'm present, but not here. Anyway, I'm not going to waste a forum's time with someone who has no intention of sobering up. I wish everyone luck. I think of everyone here often and always think well of this place.

Hi Rick.
I really hope you'll stick around here and keep talking. We're here and listening and You've already got a good start by opening up on this thread.

When I found this community I was broken and hopeless and suicidal. I had shut myself off from the world and couldn't face anything. One of the first things I did was join a class here and it made all the difference for me. I forged friendships with people and it helped me begin trusting people again. I highly recommend it.

I'm saying this because I want you to know that things can change for the better. I have hope today that I didn't have 6 months ago. I really hope you will continue to pursue some sort of counseling outside the VA. A lot of places will work on a sliding scale payment system and will give reduced rates for veterans. It's worth checking into.

I sincerely hope you'll reconsider, Rick.

Alcohol is a roadblock between the place we are now and the places we can be if we live in sobriety.

Take care. SR is always here for you.

Rick...I just want to add that alcohol fueled my hopelessness and depression and the suicidal thoughts. It did me no favors and since quitting my depression and hopelessness are pretty much things of the past. They can be for you, too.

I sincerely hope you reconsider too Rick - nothing will get better while you're drinking because drinking solves nothing and makes big problems even bigger.

My drinking life wasn't living - it was existing.

I think you know why you're here as much as we all do.
Everyone of us deserves a good happy life filled with friends. I would have never believed I'd have that but I do.

There is always time to write a new chapter to our story, Rick. Always. :)

D

Not everyone here is sober dude. But a lot of people here do know what it's like to not be sober for a long time (myself included), the reasons behind it and also the possible solutions. You are in the right place anyway.

Aw man, about the girl- please don't remind me! I actually felt a little bit of some of the associated emotions just from reading your post. 10 years for me ended in an almost identical fashion. And I'm just a few years older than you.

Actually she let me into the apartment but denied all, then F'd off for a week leaving me with the child knowing that I was a wreck and would be drinking behind his back (we had a great time actually, that was the last time I seen him).

Then she contacted a relative of mine to say she wanted me gone from her apartment because I was drinking. I had to deal with her then, a domineering teetotal busybody and everything became about "my drinking" from that point on.


No answers, I had been sober for a couple of months prior and had an agreement in place with my ex around visitation and a new clear plan for myself- all of that was lost. I was on my ass and all because of "my drinking", in the not real world.

So rather than deal with the situation in an honest way that's how my ex managed to turn it all back around on me. It was an horrific end to an already particularly brutal year regarding my parents. I drank every day for another year after that.

Indeed I do know what you are going through, and most certainly dude. I appreciate you have to go through the motions, but you will get over the girl (as I have) . 'These Things Take Time' amigo, a good song by The Smiths so look that one up...

Hi Rick,
Wow! Thank you so much for opening up about your story, that was intense to read.

Anyways, I, like you, always wondered what it was like to be loved by someone, as I had never had that in my life. I found that love five years ago, and now I am coping with that love also being a functional alcoholic.

I hope you find whatever support you are looking for. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people. I hope you can eventually heal from this "bad thing" that happened to you. Good luck and God bless!!!