I need advice please
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast of US
Posts: 904
I need advice please
I have been drinking since I was 16 off/on.My drinking is bad - black outs.I really drank in my marriage of 10 years which ended 6 years ago.It was an abusive relationship both verbal and physical to me and our kids. He always made sure I had alcohol and he never worked while I worked 50-60. After getting divorced I continued to drink. i have full custody of kids because I was sober enough to work a great job. I met a guy online and we have dated for 5yrs. I have drank off/on and each time he has forgiven me. He doesn't drink around me the last few months since I was sober for 5 to help me.
We go on vaca and I get drunk on 4 beers and take Benadryl because of my allergies - 3 of them. I was bad off. We got into an argument that night and I recall him saying I needed to get help.We fought over my drinking,him never wanting to commit,his son just got out of high school and he has stopped coming over because he wants to stay there to get him on the right track.
He ignored me all Saturday.
Sunday morning he says "you need to figure out what you want in life. I want to start over" I asked what does mean? After 5 years you are supporting me this way?He said "it has happened too much in the past.I think we need some time apart - you need to figure out what you want to do in life. I have plenty of stuff to do at my place that has been neglected for almost 5 years now. Things are not going to be the same. I am no longer coming over there anymore. I told you last year I was not going to put up with this".
He still slept on the same bed with me fri and sat.
Drove home Sunday (quiet ride)
I called him Sunday night and apologized and I need support and you never told me good job for being sober and I need someone who will be there in good and bad times and told him I was going to go back to psychologist and Acupuncuture (allergies,stress,menopause) because I know this helped me stay sober. He said "I told you last year I was not going to put up with this. Go get you some help" and hung up. I understand he is mad.
I keep thinking to myself what should I do? I need advice please. What does he mean I want to start over? With someone else?
But do I need to to outpatient as well? I can't do inpatient I have no one to watch my kids - no one! AA will not work for me as I have never been religious. I just bought the AVRT book yesterday. I have no family here I have no friends!
Do I need more help? I want so bad to be sober in my life and never go there again! I realize it is a choice and I failed and I am motivated to get there for me and my kids. I want desperately to end this cycle. So is a psyc & Acupuncuture enough?
We go on vaca and I get drunk on 4 beers and take Benadryl because of my allergies - 3 of them. I was bad off. We got into an argument that night and I recall him saying I needed to get help.We fought over my drinking,him never wanting to commit,his son just got out of high school and he has stopped coming over because he wants to stay there to get him on the right track.
He ignored me all Saturday.
Sunday morning he says "you need to figure out what you want in life. I want to start over" I asked what does mean? After 5 years you are supporting me this way?He said "it has happened too much in the past.I think we need some time apart - you need to figure out what you want to do in life. I have plenty of stuff to do at my place that has been neglected for almost 5 years now. Things are not going to be the same. I am no longer coming over there anymore. I told you last year I was not going to put up with this".
He still slept on the same bed with me fri and sat.
Drove home Sunday (quiet ride)
I called him Sunday night and apologized and I need support and you never told me good job for being sober and I need someone who will be there in good and bad times and told him I was going to go back to psychologist and Acupuncuture (allergies,stress,menopause) because I know this helped me stay sober. He said "I told you last year I was not going to put up with this. Go get you some help" and hung up. I understand he is mad.
I keep thinking to myself what should I do? I need advice please. What does he mean I want to start over? With someone else?
But do I need to to outpatient as well? I can't do inpatient I have no one to watch my kids - no one! AA will not work for me as I have never been religious. I just bought the AVRT book yesterday. I have no family here I have no friends!
Do I need more help? I want so bad to be sober in my life and never go there again! I realize it is a choice and I failed and I am motivated to get there for me and my kids. I want desperately to end this cycle. So is a psyc & Acupuncuture enough?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Hi Forgivemeall
I'm not really qualified to give you advice on your partner.
To be honest I don't think he should be your priority right now.
It definitely sounds like your drinking is causing problems for you.
It's up to you what you want to try to stay stopped, but I think you deserve something better, and so do your kids.
I'd leave no stone unturned. This addiction plays for keeps. You should too.
D
I'm not really qualified to give you advice on your partner.
To be honest I don't think he should be your priority right now.
It definitely sounds like your drinking is causing problems for you.
It's up to you what you want to try to stay stopped, but I think you deserve something better, and so do your kids.
I'd leave no stone unturned. This addiction plays for keeps. You should too.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
You seem to have some situations that need attention, please don’t be like me and others and procrastinate. This disease we have is progressive and gets worse each day we continue to drink.
Alcohol is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. Once it has us it just wants to drag us down into more misery and it takes work to make it let go.
As far as AA goes, I’ve been sober for a lot of years as a result of the fellowship, it has helped many millions worldwide and you’re eligible if you want sobriety. I am not now or was ever religious but do believe in a Higher Power I chose as MY God of my understanding.
I needed to get honest with myself about my drinking and ACCEPT the fact I cannot drink alcohol in safety one day at a time in a row. It’s that simple tho not always easy and requires work on ourselves.
BE WELL
You seem to have some situations that need attention, please don’t be like me and others and procrastinate. This disease we have is progressive and gets worse each day we continue to drink.
Alcohol is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. Once it has us it just wants to drag us down into more misery and it takes work to make it let go.
As far as AA goes, I’ve been sober for a lot of years as a result of the fellowship, it has helped many millions worldwide and you’re eligible if you want sobriety. I am not now or was ever religious but do believe in a Higher Power I chose as MY God of my understanding.
I needed to get honest with myself about my drinking and ACCEPT the fact I cannot drink alcohol in safety one day at a time in a row. It’s that simple tho not always easy and requires work on ourselves.
BE WELL
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome ForgiveMeAll. It sounds to me like the root of all your problems lies squarely in your drinking, including the problems in your relationship. Most likely you won't be able to solve any of them until you solve your drinking problem.
Outpatient rehab could potentially work, have you contacted any in your area? Don't discount AA because you aren't religious -that is not a requirement of the program. AVRT could help too, you can find more about it in the secular forums here as well.
The bottom line though is that you will have to do whatever it takes to get sober...and no matter what method you choose, there will be things that you have to do that you do not want to do. I wish you the best of luck in making that commitment and doing the necessary work to get there.
Outpatient rehab could potentially work, have you contacted any in your area? Don't discount AA because you aren't religious -that is not a requirement of the program. AVRT could help too, you can find more about it in the secular forums here as well.
The bottom line though is that you will have to do whatever it takes to get sober...and no matter what method you choose, there will be things that you have to do that you do not want to do. I wish you the best of luck in making that commitment and doing the necessary work to get there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Indiana
Posts: 118
Hi, I was in your exact shoes almost a year ago and the end result is my 1 year anniversary sober date coming up this week. You can do this... if you are determined and focused on staying sober.
With every other failed relationship that I had had, I could easily convince myself that it ended because of X, Y, or Z; which was anything other than alcohol. However, the one that I am referring to couldn't be easily explained away because this guy wasn't a jerk. He didn't treat me badly. He didn't drink or cheat or abuse me in any way. Thus... when that relationship was falling apart, I had absolutely no one or anything else to blame other than myself and my drinking. Period. The time for change was more evident at that moment than at any other time and I chose to make it stick. I strongly believe that you can too, if you make the choice. Wishing you the best. Jen
With every other failed relationship that I had had, I could easily convince myself that it ended because of X, Y, or Z; which was anything other than alcohol. However, the one that I am referring to couldn't be easily explained away because this guy wasn't a jerk. He didn't treat me badly. He didn't drink or cheat or abuse me in any way. Thus... when that relationship was falling apart, I had absolutely no one or anything else to blame other than myself and my drinking. Period. The time for change was more evident at that moment than at any other time and I chose to make it stick. I strongly believe that you can too, if you make the choice. Wishing you the best. Jen
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast of US
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Thank you all for the great advice. I really appreciate it. I looked into outpatient treatment in my area today and found one. I am seeing a psychologist Thursday that I have seen before. I saw my Acupuncturist today and I feel much less stressed. I told him everything. Not many people are aware that Acupuncuture can be used for addictions.
I will look down the AVRT information. I just ordered one of the books on it.
I hope your boyfriend stayed with you Jen because you turned it around :-)
I committed to never drink anything again. I have a plan - I am going to change my negative thoughts to change my life!
Thanks again for your responses and time to support me!
I will look down the AVRT information. I just ordered one of the books on it.
I hope your boyfriend stayed with you Jen because you turned it around :-)
I committed to never drink anything again. I have a plan - I am going to change my negative thoughts to change my life!
Thanks again for your responses and time to support me!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
A psychologist and acupuncture are a good start. Your psychologist is probably the best person to consult about whether you need other support such as addiction counseling, outpatient, etc. I have personally found acupuncture helpful for stress and women's issues.
No matter what plan/program you ultimately chose, the most important thing is your resolve, your determination to quit drinking. The plan/program is there to help you, but it can't do the work for you or guarantee results.
Your boyfriend may be more willing to talk to you after you have a plan for sobriety in place and have been sober long enough for him to have some confidence that you will remain sober.
No matter what plan/program you ultimately chose, the most important thing is your resolve, your determination to quit drinking. The plan/program is there to help you, but it can't do the work for you or guarantee results.
Your boyfriend may be more willing to talk to you after you have a plan for sobriety in place and have been sober long enough for him to have some confidence that you will remain sober.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
It wasn't until I got sober that I realised it was hard work for the people around me...family, partners, employers...there had been a lot of broken promises over the years and a lot more tolerance on their part than I cared to admit at the time. Watching me destroy myself took an emotional toll on the folks around me too.
Sounds like your partner has decided they need to pull back and look after themselves for a while. As selfish as that might sound to you, you might just have to accept it. Probably a good idea for you to focus on your problems for a while also. Maybe things will change down the line, but I'm sure you can get sober with or without your partner, if you really want to and are willing to reach out for other help.
P
Sounds like your partner has decided they need to pull back and look after themselves for a while. As selfish as that might sound to you, you might just have to accept it. Probably a good idea for you to focus on your problems for a while also. Maybe things will change down the line, but I'm sure you can get sober with or without your partner, if you really want to and are willing to reach out for other help.
P
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Originally Posted by GroundhogDay 
A psychologist and acupuncture are a good start. Your psychologist is probably the best person to consult about whether you need other support such as addiction counseling, outpatient, etc. I have personally found acupuncture helpful for stress and women's issues. No matter what plan/program you ultimately chose, the most important thing is your resolve, your determination to quit drinking. The plan/program is there to help you, but it can't do the work for you or guarantee results. Your boyfriend may be more willing to talk to you after you have a plan for sobriety in place and have been sober long enough for him to have some confidence that you will remain sober.
I know this is all on ME! I have to be successful I'm tired of letting myself down.
Thank you for your input!
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Originally Posted by paulokes
Probably a good idea for you to focus on your problems for a while also. Maybe things will change down the line, but I'm sure you can get sober with or without your partner, if you really want to and are willing to reach out for other help. P
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
keep coming here it'll help. if you really feel you need other people and a sense of comunity dont discount AA. you can ignore the religious aspect. I know my group really isnt that bad. if anything maybe you can meet some people there just like you.
be selfish about your sobreity do it for yourself and no one else!
be selfish about your sobreity do it for yourself and no one else!
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Originally Posted by zjw
be selfish about your sobreity do it for yourself and no one else!
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