Slipped.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
22 days helped you to build a foundation sleepie--
As soberinTX suggests, a good idea is to rethink your plan and
add in elements to help you deal with some of the triggers and issues you are dealing with.
The most critical issue now is to stop the binge and get back on track.
Seriously
It is too easy to say "what the heck" and then you really lose ground
which is hard to recover.
Post a lot as needed.
We care about you
As soberinTX suggests, a good idea is to rethink your plan and
add in elements to help you deal with some of the triggers and issues you are dealing with.
The most critical issue now is to stop the binge and get back on track.
Seriously
It is too easy to say "what the heck" and then you really lose ground
which is hard to recover.
Post a lot as needed.
We care about you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 8,076
Sleepie all I have to to the conversation is this: You don't have to measure up to any one else. Stay true to yourself. As another poster said, your boyfriend is with you and,, that says a lot. I hope you start over.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by sleepie 
I have never found home with any of the misfits. I am so alone.
I understand about being a misfit, you know? About an awareness of not being home, or having a home, a life, a purpose. I began my drinking age 12. Real drinking not just playing around. This really added to my troubles even though at the time I found real relief in that drinking allowed me to not have to be myself. Eventually though, it all caught up to me as quickly as when I turned 15. My baby sister was killed by a drunken driver as she walked along the country road. This was back in the '72. My family, already horribly dysfunctional simply couldn't deal with her death, and so it was in so many sad ways the death of my entire family. The consequences of all that dysfunction still play out in my broken relationships with my blood relations.
I want to say to you Sleepie something I really want you to take a hard look at, okay? You know, when we blame ourselves, or blame others, for whatever dysfunctional consequence we are experiencing, we at the same time are perpetuating the dysfunction. Blame breeds lasting consequences is what I'm saying. And I've learned the hard way, there doesn't have to be blame, doesn't have to be victimization of ourselves by our own hand. It is not at all easy to let go of past experiences, but it is well worth the effort.
You know, there are some experiences I will never forgive. Those done to me, and as well, those I have done to others. I do want to be forgiven. I want to be in a place where those experiences are not happening anymore to me, or by me. This strategy has really paid off for me in spades. Resentments are a horrible drain of personal resources. Resentments have no upside. There is nothing about being resentful that is valuable.
Yes, in many ways, I am alone, same as always. I understand. And yet, I'm also not alone in so many ways too which absolutely overcome and establish I am a lovable person, and I can love others to a wonderfully well lived life. And I would never ever be able to enjoy my life if I was still using and abusing.
So yeah. You had a "slip" Not the end of the world, but a slip, for me anyways, was never a new beginning either. When I had my slips, I was risking my life with each drink. I didn't believe it at the time. I now realize just how close to death I actually was by my own hand. Scary stuff. My "slips" were much more than just "slips"
My appreciation of you sleepie is you have a lot to live for, and a lot to give to others, and receive from others too. I don't believe you will really get there though until you allow yourself to not be held back by your past, and not held back by people in your present life who take you for granted.
You've survived some amazing and challenging life experiences. I really suggest you don't waste another minute trying to fit in with what might be called "normal living"
For me, the more I gave up on being "normal" the more I became empowered to be all I could be. Ironically the less I tried to be somebody, the more I became somebody beyond my wildest expectations.
More often than not, just my taking the time and effort to change my perspective relative to my opportunities around me made all the difference in my success in sobriety and personal lifestyle choices.
I hope for all that is good for you sleepie. None of us really have to suffer from being alone. There are ways forward. There is a better life for you. Be brave. Believe.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Oh, Sleepie, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I'm sorry that you had a return to drinking and I hope you'll come back. You can get through this.
I was also an outcast and misfit growing up. I still don't "fit in," and am also in my 40's and female, so I get that difficulty, too. But in a way I've found myself enjoying a freedom that I have never had before.
But you're not alone. Maybe isolated where you are right now, but you have friends you don't even know exist yet. They're (we're) out there, out here.
I'm sorry things were so rough for you growing up. But you don't have to live in it. You can find your own way into a happier adulthood. Embrace yourself. You have such a kindness and humor about you that radiates loud and clear through an anonymous Internet board. That says a lot.
Have you tried journaling? I filled up notebooks with all the pain I could remember and practiced leaving the painful memories in the notebook and clearing my head. Learning how to meditate also helped me, to be able to acknowledge and feel the pain, but also to let it go and not hang onto it.
You don't have to measure up to anyone. Period. You have every right to be your amazing, beautiful self as everyone else does with who they are. If people choose to be jerks, so be it, but you have chosen a better path.
Sobriety lets us choose an even better path as we can start taking better care of ourselves.
Sending you a huge, huge hug.
I was also an outcast and misfit growing up. I still don't "fit in," and am also in my 40's and female, so I get that difficulty, too. But in a way I've found myself enjoying a freedom that I have never had before.
But you're not alone. Maybe isolated where you are right now, but you have friends you don't even know exist yet. They're (we're) out there, out here.
I'm sorry things were so rough for you growing up. But you don't have to live in it. You can find your own way into a happier adulthood. Embrace yourself. You have such a kindness and humor about you that radiates loud and clear through an anonymous Internet board. That says a lot.
Have you tried journaling? I filled up notebooks with all the pain I could remember and practiced leaving the painful memories in the notebook and clearing my head. Learning how to meditate also helped me, to be able to acknowledge and feel the pain, but also to let it go and not hang onto it.
You don't have to measure up to anyone. Period. You have every right to be your amazing, beautiful self as everyone else does with who they are. If people choose to be jerks, so be it, but you have chosen a better path.
Sobriety lets us choose an even better path as we can start taking better care of ourselves.
Sending you a huge, huge hug.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"I know why. Because for guys, as long as the female is hot- anything goes."
I will rephrase this to be a truer statement:
Guys that are insecure about themeselves and have unresolved issues will be a doormat and do it for anywoman that shows interest.
I would encourage ya to read some of jeni26's threads. I've followed her journey on here for some time and she has come a very long way. It seems the actions she has been putting in have been working very good for her. Might just work for you,too.
I will rephrase this to be a truer statement:
Guys that are insecure about themeselves and have unresolved issues will be a doormat and do it for anywoman that shows interest.
I would encourage ya to read some of jeni26's threads. I've followed her journey on here for some time and she has come a very long way. It seems the actions she has been putting in have been working very good for her. Might just work for you,too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
when i hadnt seen you post an update i got concerned. I even pondered putting a thread up yest asking where you where if anyone had heard from you etc.. but was like nah nah i'll stay quiet etc..
I'm not gonna try to give you relationship advice because i'm not the best at that sort stuff either! but it seems like you got your relationship problems with your boyfriend , his x, you have issues with your parents and your upbringing, issues with your job pay long days commute on the bike being broke etc..
What i do with my list of problems and i got some simlier ones and other ones I'm sure you got other ones your not even mentioning. I want you to think of yourself as Sleepie and your in this box labeled Sleepie and I want you to take all these porblems put them in the same box labeled sleeping swim around in them wallow in them see how that feels? Like crap im sure. What I started to do with my problems is I started make seperate boxes for them. I kept them out of my little box or bubble as i prefer to call it. In my bubble I kept everyting that was good and great. I tried to shield myself from all the outside negative crap out there. I resided in this bubble conciously and not conciosly for the first I dunno year iw as sober. Now I've found this approach works well and I leave it this way. what did i do with all my problems? I put them all in there perspective boxes and set them aside. I ignored them and only handled them when i was forced too or had to face them in each moment that they hit me. Then soon as the time past i'd put them back and put them away and run back to my little bubble and wallow in all the good stuff i had there.
I did address my problems. slowly buy surely one by one solutions came to almost all of them. Others I learned to accept and not allow to get to me etc.. Some still do get to min the moment and if i'm not careful will try and force there wya into my little happy bubble!
It might sound wierd at first to handle things like this but this is what worked for me. It was baby steps. I dunno if you ever saw that movie what about bob. But the common theme was "baby steps" all through out the first year it was baby steps even now when life gets hard i go back to the baby steps routine it works.
I'm not gonna try to give you relationship advice because i'm not the best at that sort stuff either! but it seems like you got your relationship problems with your boyfriend , his x, you have issues with your parents and your upbringing, issues with your job pay long days commute on the bike being broke etc..
What i do with my list of problems and i got some simlier ones and other ones I'm sure you got other ones your not even mentioning. I want you to think of yourself as Sleepie and your in this box labeled Sleepie and I want you to take all these porblems put them in the same box labeled sleeping swim around in them wallow in them see how that feels? Like crap im sure. What I started to do with my problems is I started make seperate boxes for them. I kept them out of my little box or bubble as i prefer to call it. In my bubble I kept everyting that was good and great. I tried to shield myself from all the outside negative crap out there. I resided in this bubble conciously and not conciosly for the first I dunno year iw as sober. Now I've found this approach works well and I leave it this way. what did i do with all my problems? I put them all in there perspective boxes and set them aside. I ignored them and only handled them when i was forced too or had to face them in each moment that they hit me. Then soon as the time past i'd put them back and put them away and run back to my little bubble and wallow in all the good stuff i had there.
I did address my problems. slowly buy surely one by one solutions came to almost all of them. Others I learned to accept and not allow to get to me etc.. Some still do get to min the moment and if i'm not careful will try and force there wya into my little happy bubble!
It might sound wierd at first to handle things like this but this is what worked for me. It was baby steps. I dunno if you ever saw that movie what about bob. But the common theme was "baby steps" all through out the first year it was baby steps even now when life gets hard i go back to the baby steps routine it works.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Thanks guys. I know I post a lot but please don't be worried zjw if I don't. I appreciate your thinking of me though. I wish there had been one period in my life, just one where it was a time of carefree or happiness. The only times were while I was drinking. Things still sucked but I didn't care. I had that. But no long term relationships, never dated anyone without an ex lurking in the background, and it's really hard to live with myself having defunct gray matter. And my upbringing was just awful so really no happy memories there. I don't know if I am capable of ever getting the kind of job that would pay enough for any help with that and it is the root of so many of my issues. I am starting to give up a bit. I really appreciate everyone's responses and I know that everyone here has hardships, some of them very serious so that means a lot to me, that you all have taken the time to offer your support and encouragement.
One problem for now as zjw mentioned is my awful work schedule. Ten hour days I cannot do. I have no time by the time I get home, and nothing to look forward too. It's just straight to bed and then go do it again. Plus the work is boring and irritating, leaving my mind plenty of time to wander and worry.
I'm going to have to start looking for a different job again which is immensely stressful.
Today and tomorrow I have off but I am working some more at another thing so it's kind of like no days off. I can have tomorrow afternoon off and then it's back to work Monday. The slave wages aren't helping either. I tried to buy healthy groceries this week and 60 dollars didn't cut it. 60 bucks is a whole ten hour day's worth of work for me.
And yes a challenge now will be to not drink again and keep this to a one time incident. Sigh now I have to start over and 90 days will be more like September now.
I wish I could stay in today and enjoy the day but I have to go to work at a side job now that goes into tomorrow.
One problem for now as zjw mentioned is my awful work schedule. Ten hour days I cannot do. I have no time by the time I get home, and nothing to look forward too. It's just straight to bed and then go do it again. Plus the work is boring and irritating, leaving my mind plenty of time to wander and worry.
I'm going to have to start looking for a different job again which is immensely stressful.
Today and tomorrow I have off but I am working some more at another thing so it's kind of like no days off. I can have tomorrow afternoon off and then it's back to work Monday. The slave wages aren't helping either. I tried to buy healthy groceries this week and 60 dollars didn't cut it. 60 bucks is a whole ten hour day's worth of work for me.
And yes a challenge now will be to not drink again and keep this to a one time incident. Sigh now I have to start over and 90 days will be more like September now.
I wish I could stay in today and enjoy the day but I have to go to work at a side job now that goes into tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: MA
Posts: 8
Hello Sleepie.
Knowing that I am absolutely 100% powerless over my obsession for alcohol, then asking "some Power", whatever "It" is, for help, cuts the job in half, at least.
Good wishes to you as you surrender.
Knowing that I am absolutely 100% powerless over my obsession for alcohol, then asking "some Power", whatever "It" is, for help, cuts the job in half, at least.
Good wishes to you as you surrender.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Sigh now I have to start over and 90 days will be more like September now.
Its a bump in the road.
I know the feeling with groceries 60 bucks is a joke in the grocery store these days. I got 6 kids and i've been known to either walk otu cursing or crying at what i just spent for nothing!
Where I live we've been able to find some discount grocery places and its been a godsend to help keep food on the table etc..
I'm tight right now myself and i'm thinking geeze for the next few weeks i'm going to have to live on bananas rice and beans basicly. It'll stink but i'll get through it and at least I have that much.
I hope your burden eases up. Are there any little problems in your life you can tackle just to give yourself some sense of accomplishment / encouragement? Even if its just something stupid like scrubben the toilet or something. Any little thing you can solve to keep yourself occupied and feel a sense of achievement.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
Well, you still did 22 days, and that is wonderful. The only way you can let anyone down is to quit now. Don't give up. You can do this. I believe in you and I know you can do this. Drink lots of water and rest up. I am glad you posted. Don't ever forget we are all here for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Try again, maybe another angle you could look at is how many days you have sober when you give in. It seems you are usually right around the 3 week mark a lot of the time. How about making a special note of that somehow and just see yourself past that each time. If you get a month, that is your new benchmark. You just need to try and find something that motivates you to stay sober long enough. Unfortunately, it seems to take most of us a few months to really start to get some stability. Back at it Sleepie, you'll get there if you keep trying, just remember the next time when you get to that point where you seem to let your guard down.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Sleepie, this may sound silly, but can you just pretend that your slip never happened? Just refuse to be defeated by it, and keep moving forward on the road you are on, to a sober September
There is so much good stuff about you, sleepie, please keep acknowledging that. Recognize the AV talking through you? Is he setting you up? Don't let it.
love and hugs..hang in there!
There is so much good stuff about you, sleepie, please keep acknowledging that. Recognize the AV talking through you? Is he setting you up? Don't let it.
love and hugs..hang in there!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
sleepie,
sorry you're hurting.
i hope you can stop adding to it. a lot of that is in your control; in how you decide to see it.
my suggestion would be to forget about the 90-day thing and stop drinking, period.
i was weirdly afraid to say it before (must look at that! yes, i do), but wondered what would happen if you reached 90. what would happen on day 91?
reaching goals for me so often means not pursuing the thing anymore. might be different for you, of course.
ever wondered if you're afraid to succeed at this?
sorry you're hurting.
i hope you can stop adding to it. a lot of that is in your control; in how you decide to see it.
my suggestion would be to forget about the 90-day thing and stop drinking, period.
i was weirdly afraid to say it before (must look at that! yes, i do), but wondered what would happen if you reached 90. what would happen on day 91?
reaching goals for me so often means not pursuing the thing anymore. might be different for you, of course.
ever wondered if you're afraid to succeed at this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Hi all. Happy Sunday
Yes Robbie's words are always insightful and I have been thinking about what he and everyone here has said.
Yesterday, 2 and a half beers.
Today none. And none hereafter, that's the plan anyway.
So I guess I can try and forget counting days. That will be the new thing. And try to just think of myself as a non drinker. That gets problematic though, because non drinkers don't think about drinking al the time!
I wondered if I might upgrade my phone so I can access SR more. But I really hate being so needy and over posting.
I got a few healthy groceries to make for the work week too, so eating better helps too. I worked my extra gig so I can afford a few more things this week.
Yes Robbie's words are always insightful and I have been thinking about what he and everyone here has said.
Yesterday, 2 and a half beers.
Today none. And none hereafter, that's the plan anyway.
So I guess I can try and forget counting days. That will be the new thing. And try to just think of myself as a non drinker. That gets problematic though, because non drinkers don't think about drinking al the time!
I wondered if I might upgrade my phone so I can access SR more. But I really hate being so needy and over posting.
I got a few healthy groceries to make for the work week too, so eating better helps too. I worked my extra gig so I can afford a few more things this week.
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