MIRecovery

Recently I have had two people in my life (no n SR) that just aren't good for my sobriety. In both cases they had a pretty good line about wanting to get sober but over the months it became pretty obvious what they wanted was to drink without the consequences.

They would make one bad decision after another and then ask for advice on how to clean up the mess.

They were like emotional vacuum cleaners sucking everyone dry that was in their sphere. They were experts at playing the pity party and used the, "I will die without help card often."

What makes it hard is they likely will die without help. The problem is there is no help I can give them.

In both cases I gently cut them loose and say a prayer for them nightly. If I practiced what I preached i would have ended the relationship a long time ago but it is always easier to give advice than take advice.

So the question is when is it time to let God handle people that don't really want to get sober and bow out

zjw

That's a tough call each case is different I guess but you can't allow others to drain you like this either it stinks when you have to basically amputate people from you life as if there some kind of cancer and it's for you greater good to cut them off I normally try and distance myself at first and see where that leads then if nothing come of it I move on. I figure if certain folks are meant to be in my lif our paths will cross again or it will work out till then I just go with the flow about it

Dee74

It is a tough call, but I haven't regretted my sober choices

D

tomsteve

Personally, I usually go waaaaay too long before walking away. There have been a few times I've tried to work with someone but kept hearing excuses why the couldn't stop do the work,only to keep hearing the same things over and over. Same insanity over and over.
Pray, meditate, pray meditate. Eventually I've gotten to the point of," ok,God, I haven't gotten a reply on what ya want me to do, but it's time for me to move on a d walk away from this."
Then walk away. And ya know what seems to happen soon after?
I start seeing the signs/messages God had been giving me for some time.

When is it time to hand it over to God? Welp, could be a few a answers to that. I think for me I need to remember It's God who is handling people and I'm only carrying a message. There does come a time sometimes,though,when I have to walk away.
Too soon, too long. IMO whenever I do it, that was the time that it was meant to happen.

MIRecovery

The problem is I feel guilty. I think I could learn something at ALANON

tomsteve

Can ya explain some of the feelings of guilt?

MIRecovery

I want to save them. If I just said or did the right thing they would see the light. I know that is insane but it is how I feel. In their failure I feel like I have failed

LexieCat

I think LOTS of alcoholics would benefit a whole lot from Al-Anon--even with no alcoholic in the family, most of us spend an awful lot of time hanging out with them or working with them. I think my Al-Anon recovery gave me a HUTGE leg-up when I came into AA for my own drinking. And it's helped me a whole lot when I get resentments or guilt or other negative reactions to people in my AA groups.

All in all, I'd say anyone in AA has a LOT of "qualifiers."

MIRecovery

Dee I honestly don't know how you do what you do. I get to cherry pick threads you don't. All I can say is there is absolutely a place in heaven for you

fini

ah; wanting to "save" someone is not the same as thinking if you just said the right thing...THAT, i call arrogance when i see myself do it. arrogance to think i'd have the power to get someone else sober .

i got stuck there once really badly, because i cared an awful lot. i couldn't see the ego that was involved in trying so hard; i only felt the care and frustration of not "succeeding".

having said all that, on the flip side: i can't really "judge" if someone else really wants to get sober. what the "quality of their want" is. not for me to say, really. though i sometimes think it is .
sigh.

MIRecovery

Good stuff. As with most things I don't want to hear it is what I need to hear. Ego is mixed up in everything I do but I genuinely care. Where healthy compassion ends and ego starts I will ponder

MIRecovery

But it is hard to remember you are here to drain the swamp when you are up to your a** hole in alligators

Venecia

Ditto!

fini

MIR,
i don't understand the swamp-alligator stuff?
i'm here to drain the swamp - what do you mean?

genuinely caring without thinking you can "fix" if you just find the right words or actions...entirely possible

really my main point was to question the guilt and failure feelings. you're neither guilty nor are you failing.
it's not your task.
it's not within our power.
just as someone else's words or actions didn't and couldn't have the power to get me sober.

there is that thing i have to remind myself of: detaching is not the same as not caring.

CodeJob

I've had some luck, MIR, talking to my interior little voice of guilt with a calm and reasonable 'self' pointing out that the guilt I 'feel' is not a correct assessment of my caring. First of all, by the time you gently set them free, it was long overdue, so you'd already done more than a 'normal person' and given them more than a few mulligans.

It's rather like golf. You don't have to kill the ball. The clubs are designed to send the ball flying fast and far if you keep your head down and swing through smoothly. When you start trying too hard in your swing, that's when a lot of the trouble starts.

Soberpotamus

When is it time? For me, it was about six months. I had to let go after that.

Whenever it crosses the lines and threatens your own state of mind. When it messes with your headspace and boundaries are routinely crossed. That was my personal limit.

tomsteve

Not a mind reader, but I hadda thought yer answer might be something like this. May be because I have also done the same and felt the same. Sometimes the reason I spent a lot of energy on people that didn't want it was to avoid my own problems. Codie tendencies.
Best thing for me?
Start at step one.
Powerless over people
Do I want to get insaner?
Stop trying to play god and hand those people over.
Do some writing
Tell someone
I think ya know the rest.

I didn't cause them
Can't control them
And can't cure them

Simple third step prayer:
Not my circus
Not my monkeys

I will say its all been great learning lessons( after throwing out the arse kickin machine) and something that has helped tremendously is talking with another Codie.

And very glad to read ya seeing the problem and wanting a solution!

MIRecovery

Thanks for the responses and I just needed to reminded of what I already know. It is much easier to know what to do than it is to do it.

Nevertheless

You are sober,and making sober decisions. You can only do so much. It is time to let God handle it when you have decided enough is enough. You cannot save the world. If they are bad for your sobriety the answer looks pretty simple to me. it's time to move on. there is no selfishness when it comes to your own sobriety.

Fred