Soberintexas007

Please remember that everyone has their own unique situation, and that everyone will also provide their own advice and feedback to others' situations.

But if a member chooses not to follow certain advice or feedback, please try not to reprimand or punish or pressure that member to take the advice or feedback.

That is counterproductive to recovery. I sometimes feel that if I don't agree or follow another member's advice, then some members come crashing down my throat as if I am not doing the right thing. There is no one "right" way to do something, and no one on here is a God that should pass on this judgment.

This is unhelpful to my recovery. I am trying my best here.

ScottFromWI

There are a lot of different opinions you'll find here JB. Some you might not agree with. The overwhelming percentage of replies you have gotten are nothing but supportive. It is possible to also use the ignore feature for users you differ with, and if you find a post inappropriate you can report it using the little triangle in the lower left corner. Like they say in AA, take what works and leave the rest.

Soberintexas007

Thank you, Scott. You are actually someone who I have found very helpful and PATIENT with me. Your response yesterday reminding me that my cravings would peak at Day 2 and how the AV was just my thoughts, that really "saved" me for yesterday and got me through the day. And I also think that we are on the same page when it comes to my husband in that you also realize that my sobriety is really in fact not related to him, so no matter what people may think of my husband on these boards, you and I both know that I still can get sober no matter what. So I do try and take what works for me and leave the rest, but then I find that some members are acting like I am not listening or taking things seriously, and that is not correct. My goal is to try and get through Sunday and Monday sober NO MATTER WHAT MY HUSBAND DOES. If other people have a different goal for me, fine, then state that. But don't accuse me of not taking advice seriously if I don't follow that feedback. That really hurts my feelings and makes me feel guilty.

And I do agree with you that the overwhelming amount of replies are supportive, but then there are those in the minority that bother me, and those are the ones I was referring to.

In my closing session with my therapist, she told me that I am a strong, smart woman, and that I am on the right track and will figure out my own answers.

shil2587

Sometimes, when we find ourselves repeating mistakes, it's difficult to hear the same advice given again, especially if we didn't follow or like it the first time around. But it doesn't make that advice any less correct and so people will give it again.

That doesn't mean they're ramming it down your throat, simply that they stand by what they have said before.

paulokes

It's even easier on the Internet to pass judgement on someone else JB...but most genuinely are coming from a place of trying to be helpful in their own way.

Keep doing what you're doing

P

Weaver

I learned early in my recovery that the non cookie cutter, straight to the point responses (many of which I received from the lovely members here) were what I needed.

99% of the replies have been helpful and heartfelt. I had to take a step back and realize that just because it was something I didn't want to hear, doesn't mean I didn't need to hear it.

Weaver

At the time it was like I was doing and asking the same thing, in just slightly different ways expecting a new or different answer to coincide with what I wanted to hear. Not what I needed to hear. As a member above stated, it's not about people shoving it down your throat, or being unsupportive... It's just that they stand by what they said. They/we have been through it all and we are just trying to offer the best advice we have... Based on personal experience . :-)

Joe Nerv

I see it like this... Until someone gets sober, and learns to stay that way, they can't possibly know what works and what doesn't for them. They might think they know, they might know what's comfortable for them, they might have thoughts, feelings, ideas, and opinions, but bottom line is - they don't know. What they think is unhelpful, might be the very thing they need.

When I got sober I was in enough pain to not question anything at all. I knew 2 words. Yes, and OK. I pretty much took anybody and everybody's advice whether I liked it or not, and what I got in turn was sobriety that's lasted many, many years.

Just my opinion, but I really think people would benefit from letting go of what's "right" and "wrong" for them, until they find what actually works. The things that were the most uncomfortable for me in early sobriety, were the things I grew the most from. They were the things I desperately needed to do differently in order to start transforming my life into a joyful, sober one. Had I done only what "I" wanted to, what "I" felt comfortable with, I honestly don't think I'd have stood much of a chance.

I don't know anything at all about you, so I'm not certain if this applies accurately to your situation, but it's what comes first to mind when I hear anyone take issue with suggestions.

Not a single suggestion I took from people who were sober longer than me in my first 2 years of sobriety has hurt me in any way.

chickippo

i didn't want to hear it either. i came on here drunk, crowing about how i had this, how i was different to all the other alcoholics and addicts and how i would moderate from now on and gosh, why keep ON at me?

nobody told me what to do, or what to think. they loved me and guided me, wiped my tears when i needed it and kicked my butt when i needed that.

i was so full of fear and anger and resentment that i couldn't see past the bottle. once i took that first, genuine step away was when things began to become clearer.

my sobriety might not agree with anybody else's. i take a lot of psych meds, i can't work any more. but when it came down to it i'm a drunk, just like thousands of others. i'm not a special snowflake. and to be honest, if i were treated like i was, i'd probably still be sitting in my own self-pity and drinking myself to death.

i guess what i'm saying is, try to remember that the advice you receive here comes from a place that others have made a start on recovery from.

be well. open your mind and the rest will follow..

IOAA2

Thank you Joe, I identify so much with that observation. It sort of goes along with “I didn’t know what I didn’t know.”
Doing things I don’t want to usually is quite rewarding in the long run for me.
An example for me is that when new I had huge fears which included not ever wanting to speak at a meeting, chairing or at a speaker meeting. One meeting I had about 4-6 months and someone came up to me with the need of a speaker to speak at that moment for a few minutes to close the meeting. With no chance to panic or prepare I did it and had a huge relief and good feeling for facing MY demon.
After a lot of years I don’t like speaking but don’t avoid it, even get to all meetings early!


BE WELL

aasharon90

The many many face to face meetings
I went to, I went with an openmind
and ear to listen for something useful
to take with me when I left the meeting
and returned to everyday life.

Not everything I heard I could use,
but there always seemed to be that
certain something important that I
needed to hear that day.

So with an openmind I listened intentively,
took what I wanted and left the rest from
that meeting and applied it to my own recovery
to help me remain sober one more day.

Im still in a teachable stage in my life
and recovery journey. I happy to be
trudging the road of recovery with
so many willing to do whatever it takes
to become healthy, happy and honest
in their lives.

Venecia

Some helpful feedback here, Justbreathe.

Some wise folks on SR. Including my friend Weaver.

WritingFromLife

Had something happen to me recently I am hoping will help you, JB. It's a total analogy--but it really happened.

I volunteer with a very well-known, well organized search team here in Texas. A few of the leaders can be gruff as a pissed off bear. In the beginning, this definitely had me sucking back tears--until I learned more. These gruff old men not only had the organization and the victim in mind, but more than that, my safety. They would holler and grunt when I did something wrong, but then they would be sweet as pie after.

One example: I took a side road on an ATV when we were searching once. Not on purpose--I thought I was supposed to go that way. I wasn't. When they finally found me, I was read the riot act as they had called off the ATV search for the victim to spend 45 minutes looking for me, thinking I had rolled the ATV into the rushing river water. I was hurt, mortified, and misunderstood. What they had told me to do didn't make sense at all to me. But it made sense to THEM, and they KNEW it was my life at stake....and they have been doing it for over 20 years. They held the entire map that I couldn't see.

Now the good news, is one of the sweet older men took me under his wing and told me all would be okay--this was part of the deal. Boot Campish.

Even though I have no idea why we are asked to do certain things (like, don't look over there, stand here and wait, etc.) I learned THEY do--they are the only ones with the bigger picture, and all the facts.

And they do it because they don't want to be searching for me as the next victim because I wanted to do it my way.

I am NOT saying you have to follow all of the advice you are given here, nor am I saying any of us are right or wrong (including you!) -my intention with this analogy is to help you see WHY you are getting the answers you are getting from the members, from my perspective. :-) They really do care.

Most (or all) people here don't want to see you go through the same pain they did.

Soberpotamus

If you hang around here for a while and maintain your sobriety, I think you'll find that some of these gruff answers are bits of wisdom that are just rough around the edges. They are typically coming from people who want to help, and believe they are helping, no matter that their experience in life might be vastly different from yours.

It can really help to see the world through another's eyes

cejay

Hey JB,

I've read most of your posts, the advice you've been getting seems pretty good to me has been helpful to me as well.

I've been impressed at how patient and supportive the forum has been, it sure helps restore my faith in humanity.

Sometimes asking for advice or support will result in answers and observations that we do not want to hear. I think that these are the most important observations because we are either not seeing them or pretending not to see them.

I think that the addict brain needs the straight, blunt, factual answers. Anything else, the addict brain can twist and use it to it's advantage. You can either decide to acknowledge them or ignore them. If you keep on drinking and ruin your life that's your choice, made by you. Not changing your behavior counts as a choice. Changing and trying is also a choice.

My (now Ex) wife sabotaged many of my quits, the first not on purpose. She wasn't very supportive either and later on, she did it purposefully so she could continue her affair with a friend of mine.

I had to stay away from friends and at one point when I was ready to go to parties again, I left by 10-11 as people got smashed and I got bored.

I learned that no matter what I was responsible for my quit. I am responsible for me, married or not.

I had to find the answers and strength within. At the end of my life nobody is going to be with me. We enter and leave alone.

I can't get healthy for you and you can't get healthy for me, but I CAN ENCOURAGE you to get healthy and give you advice, which is what I'm hopefully doing now.

I'm hoping for you JB!! We can do this.

CJ.

hylianshield12

Exactly, black and white thinking in this kind of situation is unhealthy and counterproductive.

cejay

In thinking a bit more about my post, I wanted to put it another way.

Addicts are really good at BS to allow them to continue to drink.

I rely on forums like this and interactions with people have "been there" because I need them to call me on my BS.

Normies doen't know what that BS looks like. A heck of a lot of people here do.

CJ.