Desperately need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 14
Desperately need advice
I've been visiting this site for over 18 months but I've never registered. I have to say there have been posts and threads that stopped me ending it and made me feel less alone so I am so so grateful to all subscribers- thank you. I can't leave my mum on her own.
I've just turned 29 and have been a daily drinker for 10 years apart from periods I've spent in psychiatric hospitals or rehab recently. Prior to that my first drink was at 12 and always problematic and in excess.
I hate drink. I hate it. But it's the only thing I live for (apart from my family but its a different kind of love) I know that is such a paradox- sounds like a contradiction but I hope someone understands.
I know I'm one drink away from wet brain I know I'm going to die but I don't care I want to. Death by 'misadventure' would be easier to accept than suicide but its not 'misadventure' its a constant cumulative deliberate conscious routine. I don't know how I'm alive now I shouldn't be.
2014- 5 months in a psychiatric hospital over 3 admissions and Librium detoxes. I wasn't allowed do their addiction programme because they felt I was suicidal. I was discharged and then detained under the Mental Health Act. Drank as soon as I was discharged each time.
December 2014-January 2015 accepted to another treatment centre regarded as best in Europe. Intense and so tough only woman for most of it but drank within an hour of release.
I hate social media- not on Facebook Twitter etc. so even selecting a username for SR was hard but I am a hopeless case. Off sick from work today just want this to end I can't cope. I am a logical person I know what I need to do but I just can't stop. My GP two psychiatrists and psychologist are understandably done with me. Just cancelled another appointment last minute. I am on anti-depressants and anti- psychotics so black out after 2 glasses (wine is my poison) but yet wake up the next morning seeing 3 to 4 empty bottles. I'm in hell.
I've just turned 29 and have been a daily drinker for 10 years apart from periods I've spent in psychiatric hospitals or rehab recently. Prior to that my first drink was at 12 and always problematic and in excess.
I hate drink. I hate it. But it's the only thing I live for (apart from my family but its a different kind of love) I know that is such a paradox- sounds like a contradiction but I hope someone understands.
I know I'm one drink away from wet brain I know I'm going to die but I don't care I want to. Death by 'misadventure' would be easier to accept than suicide but its not 'misadventure' its a constant cumulative deliberate conscious routine. I don't know how I'm alive now I shouldn't be.
2014- 5 months in a psychiatric hospital over 3 admissions and Librium detoxes. I wasn't allowed do their addiction programme because they felt I was suicidal. I was discharged and then detained under the Mental Health Act. Drank as soon as I was discharged each time.
December 2014-January 2015 accepted to another treatment centre regarded as best in Europe. Intense and so tough only woman for most of it but drank within an hour of release.
I hate social media- not on Facebook Twitter etc. so even selecting a username for SR was hard but I am a hopeless case. Off sick from work today just want this to end I can't cope. I am a logical person I know what I need to do but I just can't stop. My GP two psychiatrists and psychologist are understandably done with me. Just cancelled another appointment last minute. I am on anti-depressants and anti- psychotics so black out after 2 glasses (wine is my poison) but yet wake up the next morning seeing 3 to 4 empty bottles. I'm in hell.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Welcome to the posting side of SR. You have a lot happening, and alcohol, as you know, isn't helping you with your responsibilities to yourself. Sure, getting blackout drunk has a weird appeal for chronic drinkers who don't quit, speaking from my own experiences. I wanted to die, and drinking was killing me, so, I was getting what I wanted.
Of course, I also at the same time didn't want to just die as a drunk, and this was on my plate too. These almost daily life-in-the-balance conflicts with myself were not useful either. Sure, it did have its drama, but that only goes so far too when blackout drinking becomes a type of goal.
Quitting works. There are many opportunities for sustaining a quit, becoming recovered, and getting on with living a worthwhile life sans alcohol. Sometimes drinkers believe quitting is just a stop-gap intervention, and that sooner or later, the drinking will come back, and that is just the way of it. Other times, some drinkers think quitting does work, but life sucks drunk or sober anyways, so they see themselves suffering in a life not worth the effort to sustain.
And of course, there are as many variations to quitting alcohol as there are variations to the many personalities who succeed or fail when it comes down to staying quit for life.
I totally believe quitting for life, forever and ever, is the first and best action to be taken when one chooses to give up alcohol. For me anyways, any kind of backdoor excuses to drink had to be given up as well as the act of drinking itself.
Quitting would work for you too. Why not? Quitting is a responsible choice. When quitting fails, then it makes sense to examine how that choice to quit was somehow not actually followed through on, yes?
Of course, I also at the same time didn't want to just die as a drunk, and this was on my plate too. These almost daily life-in-the-balance conflicts with myself were not useful either. Sure, it did have its drama, but that only goes so far too when blackout drinking becomes a type of goal.
Quitting works. There are many opportunities for sustaining a quit, becoming recovered, and getting on with living a worthwhile life sans alcohol. Sometimes drinkers believe quitting is just a stop-gap intervention, and that sooner or later, the drinking will come back, and that is just the way of it. Other times, some drinkers think quitting does work, but life sucks drunk or sober anyways, so they see themselves suffering in a life not worth the effort to sustain.
And of course, there are as many variations to quitting alcohol as there are variations to the many personalities who succeed or fail when it comes down to staying quit for life.
I totally believe quitting for life, forever and ever, is the first and best action to be taken when one chooses to give up alcohol. For me anyways, any kind of backdoor excuses to drink had to be given up as well as the act of drinking itself.
Quitting would work for you too. Why not? Quitting is a responsible choice. When quitting fails, then it makes sense to examine how that choice to quit was somehow not actually followed through on, yes?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Kyoto
Posts: 81
If I can be honest, your answer is in your question. People that hate booze don't drink. Alcoholics who hate their lack of self-control are the drinkers.
I was like you, to a degree. I hated that I needed to drink. I hated that I would start every morning with the best intentions, and then I'd find a reason to get a bottle that night. I hated that I couldn't be happy without it, or live with my thoughts, or be social, or face my fears. But I did it again and again like Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day".
Then I realized: alcohol is the cause and cure of my misery. If I simply don't put another drink in myself, I can stop hating myself for drinking. I can be on an even keel without the peaks and troughs of ablating my hate with numbness.
You have to ask yourself "Is there a torture I won't endure for another drink?" Be honest with yourself and go from there. I mean this in the nicest way, but nobody here can be a substitute for your own motivation.
Good luck. Millions of people worse off than us have pulled out of it. You, I , we can do it.
I was like you, to a degree. I hated that I needed to drink. I hated that I would start every morning with the best intentions, and then I'd find a reason to get a bottle that night. I hated that I couldn't be happy without it, or live with my thoughts, or be social, or face my fears. But I did it again and again like Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day".
Then I realized: alcohol is the cause and cure of my misery. If I simply don't put another drink in myself, I can stop hating myself for drinking. I can be on an even keel without the peaks and troughs of ablating my hate with numbness.
You have to ask yourself "Is there a torture I won't endure for another drink?" Be honest with yourself and go from there. I mean this in the nicest way, but nobody here can be a substitute for your own motivation.
Good luck. Millions of people worse off than us have pulled out of it. You, I , we can do it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Hopeless. There is hope and there are many here who understand the paradox of alcoholism. Have you attempted any formal recovery ( AA/Smart)or rehab programs when you got out of detox? Might be time to give them a try if you haven't.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: down under
Posts: 23
First of all you please dont call yourself hopeless as while there is breath in there is hope!
I know that you might be feeling fedup at the moment ..but this does not have to be a life sentence.. things can turn around.
I know that you might be feeling fedup at the moment ..but this does not have to be a life sentence.. things can turn around.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,428
I'm really glad you've posted HC.
I was down the lowest I could go - not eating right drinking all day and night, falling over and injuring myself.
I could have died. That's a bald factr but a true one...but I always had a spark of hope that maybe, someday I'd be able to leave drinking behind.
And then I found SR
It was a lot of work to get from there to here, over 8 years later but the support and encouragement is second to none.
There is always hope...it's never ever too late to revise and create a new ending to your story
D
I was down the lowest I could go - not eating right drinking all day and night, falling over and injuring myself.
I could have died. That's a bald factr but a true one...but I always had a spark of hope that maybe, someday I'd be able to leave drinking behind.
And then I found SR
It was a lot of work to get from there to here, over 8 years later but the support and encouragement is second to none.
There is always hope...it's never ever too late to revise and create a new ending to your story
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 133
You aren't hopeless. Please don't think that. Thinking that is part of the problem. So many people who have deemed themselves 'hopeless cases' have recovered.
That is the disease telling you that you are hopeless as the perfect excuse to drink, drink, drink, because you'll never make it anyway?
I promise you it is possible. Please trust me.
I had myself written off as a 'hopeless' case too. At 25 I was chronic and saw absolutely no way out. I, too, had participated in treatment centres and drank subsequently. I understand the feeling of 'not making it'.
The only advice I can give is to let go. Give in. Those little words seem massively simplistic but for me it was with giving in that I gave up. Get help, just because it didn't work before doesn't mean it will never work.
It took me more than one centre and more than one psychiatrist to get a footing with sobriety.
Don't give up, if you do thats when it's over. Please, please don't give up. We have felt like you have and know the pain you're in, but one day at a time things can get better. One day at a time. You are so worth getting sober for, please remember that.
That is the disease telling you that you are hopeless as the perfect excuse to drink, drink, drink, because you'll never make it anyway?
I promise you it is possible. Please trust me.
I had myself written off as a 'hopeless' case too. At 25 I was chronic and saw absolutely no way out. I, too, had participated in treatment centres and drank subsequently. I understand the feeling of 'not making it'.
The only advice I can give is to let go. Give in. Those little words seem massively simplistic but for me it was with giving in that I gave up. Get help, just because it didn't work before doesn't mean it will never work.
It took me more than one centre and more than one psychiatrist to get a footing with sobriety.
Don't give up, if you do thats when it's over. Please, please don't give up. We have felt like you have and know the pain you're in, but one day at a time things can get better. One day at a time. You are so worth getting sober for, please remember that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Welcome to the site. I too wished for death. That is one of the "gifts" of alcohol and alcoholism.
I was miserable and felt the only way out was death. They call that the gift of desperation.
So, have you been told that your meds don't work while you are still drinking? In order for the meds to work, and for you to finally find relief from your self-inflicted Hell, the alcohol has to go.
Do it on faith. Give yourself six months off alcohol and being med-compliant and see how much better your life will be.
I was miserable and felt the only way out was death. They call that the gift of desperation.
So, have you been told that your meds don't work while you are still drinking? In order for the meds to work, and for you to finally find relief from your self-inflicted Hell, the alcohol has to go.
Do it on faith. Give yourself six months off alcohol and being med-compliant and see how much better your life will be.
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