leviathan

Sitting at the edge of my bed with a plastic pint of crap vodka, a tallboy and the pistol.-1 hour after my shameful, tearful resignation from a well-paid job.

I realized two things: 1) drinking would probably never be fun again for me 2) and if I successfully quit, I might be able to stop it from stealing everything from yet another generation of my family (my kids this time).

I made the right decision and put the gun away. I almost finished my booze, but found out I was right. This wasn't fun at all. Game over. Rehab. Sobriety. Gratitude.

Wtbaf16

Each day is a new opportunity to put this nightmare behind us!

dsmaxis10

I don't think about drinking or not drinking my mane focus is to stay Spiritually fit it's God job to keep me sober.

MLD51

Mine was December 4, 2014. Just another typical night out drinking. 4 glasses of wine - not even more than usual for a Thursday night. I wasn't trashed, but I was definitely buzzed. It was only a short drive home, and I had driven way drunker than that, many, many times. What could go wrong? Well, I decided texting while driving was okay, too. Got distracted enough that I slammed into a parked car, about a block from my house. The people who owned the car came out of their house and called 911. I was crying - they were very nice to me. I remember saying "but I've been drinking and I'm going to jail." Cops came, arrested me. It was my third DUI. The one before that, in 2012, I hit a traffic signal and knocked it over. I was pretty wasted that time. Did I learn from it? For a while. Anyway, when I got the third, that night sitting in the police station figuring out who I could call to come pick me up, I decided to never drink again. Yes - I had said that before, many times, when suffering hangovers, or after falling and giving myself a skull fracture, or just generally making an ass of myself. But this time, it felt completely different. I knew I was on the verge of losing everything - killing myself or someone else if I continued to drink. I had been getting more and more depressed - suicidal at times. Panic attacks were frequent. I hated myself pretty much every minute of every day. I knew without a doubt that I must quit. I called a friend who had gotten sober a few months before night when I got home and asked for help. Decided to go to treatment and AA. Best thing I have ever done for myself, even though it was terrifying at first. If thoughts of drinking pop up, all I have to do is remember that night, and many that came before it, and all urges melt away.

chrcarlson

I had a DWI hearing. It was very stressful as 30 days in country were likely. I remember I had a nicer suit than some of the lawyers. What the hell I was doing here and those guys do there? Why was I to be the victim that day and not one of them...with the cheap suits? I was wearing an Armani I had tailored in Thailand for crying out loud! Damn it was stressful. I left early afternoon thinking I shouldn't drink any more so I stopped and got a 12 pack on the way home. After 5 or 6 beers the stress was greatly relieved. I the beer and some more beer and maybe some wine and went to bed late. Wok up 9am Dec 9th in a cold sweat panic. What kind of a moron leaves a DWI court and gets ripped? God I couldn't stop drinking. Felt like I was in a dream driving to AA that night. Dec 9 2015.

trutrail

December 4th, 2015. I hadn't even planned on drinking that night. Some friends of my wife called her to meet up at a local watering hole to celebrate a job promotion. My wife (who doesn't even drink) wanted to go and asked me to come, which I accepted. I had two 22oz beers at the watering hole, no big deal. But then we came home and watched the movie "Going Clear", which details Scientology and the accounts of abuse from former members. I have some history with this sort of thing and it kind of hits home, so I made myself an Old Fashioned to take the edge off. And then another. And then another. I woke up the next morning totally hung over, puking, unable to get off the couch. I had big plans for that day; gym, errands, play some music, study. All of that was ruined and all I could do is rack out. I hadn't even planned on drinking that day, how the hell did I get to that point? I don't know what the future holds but I haven't had a drink since.

MLD51

Oops

chrcarlson

Funny thing about my last DWI (#5) I was in the back of the police car thinking "it's finally over, I can quit" I didn't of course but I did make it a few days I quit about a year later after a court hearing as stated in my above post. Funny because I could have drunk another month before more court proceedings would make it difficult. That's what when through my mind after leaving the DWI hearing.

esoxlucius

I'm ashamed of my last drink/drunk and that feeling has gone a long way to keeping me sober and is still with me today.

It was 11 February 2015. My girlfriend was in hospital for a minor procedure/day case. I was with her before and after and then drove her home to her place. Rather than stay with her I told her I had an early appointment and had to get back to my place in town so I could be up early - this was a lie. In fact I had no appointments the following morning and knew I could have a "good" drink and ramble in to work by lunchtime having recovered enough. And this is what I did. The next day I was horrified at my behaviour and my selfishness.

I've done many many embarrassing, dangerous and foolish things in my 40 year drinking career but this act hit me on a level that was more powerful than any of those and more worrying than the increasing health and work problems. I was ashamed. I had not been a good person, friend, partner to the woman I love.

After all the attempts to quit for health and professional reasons it was this shame that finally pushed me into sobriety. I have not had a drink since.

ZenLifter

Feb. 15th, 2016 was the end of a week long binge, vodka, beer, wine...drunk all day and night, call into work sick, drink until I passed out, wake up and start again. The morning of the 16th I awoke shaky, struggling inside with wanting to end it, but needing that drink. I felt like I would die if I didn't have it. I gave in, went to the nearest convenience store for a pint of cheap vodka. They were OUT, if you can believe that. I went to work and somehow made it through the day, sober, anxious, irritable. Totally disgusted with myself for having sunk so low once again. Detoxed on my own, sweating it out, feelings of impending doom...all that good stuff. But I feel like something changed inside me on that last drunk. No bright lights, hallucinations, or guardian angels voices...nothing like that. But I do carry a vivid memory of what that last drunk was like, unlike before. It's a gift: a vision of a hell I need never return to.

Whether or not the empty shelf at the store was divine intervention or not...I leave that for you to decide

Nowsthetime

Ayayay...

My last drunk was March 16, 2014. It was a Saturday.

The weekend before I had had my daughters birthday and after putting her to bed I proceeded to get sloshed and be an ass. I used foul language and even threatened to "kick" someone's "ass" (I don't remember that part) and then passed out on the couch. At 3am I woke up vomitting on myself. I had to clean it up and clean myself up. My inlaws were staying in my house. I flipped the cushion and acted normal the next day even though I was feeling like death.

Back to 3/16/14. I went out with the girls and promised I was going to be good. My husband and daughter were out of town and I was driving to meet then the next day. Well, I got blackout drunk and don't even remember the taxi ride home. I woke up feeling like death and had to drive an hour and work outside trying to act normal. It was horrible. It was also scary. I dont remember getting home at all, anything could have happened.

That was it. It clicked. That's when I decided I had to make a change because I didn't want to be that. I got on google and found this place and started reading. Decided to start posting 3 month after that. I have drank a few times since that date and and still working my plan but I haven't been horrible drunk since then and that date will always hold a place in my heart. I now have over 3 months. The last time I drank, Feb. 14 didn't do anything stupid but I was very hungover.

It was getting REALLY bad. I'm glad I got out before it was too late.

Thanks for the thread. I like to remind myself everyday of what it was so that I never return to that ugly place.

Mountainmanbob

Thank you for reminding me of me in my past life drinking days.
That's what it seems like now to me -- a past life when I was chained to the bottle.
Nice to hear that today you are free Nowsthetime.

Mountainmanbob

thomas11

These stories are immensely helpful. Thanks nowsthetime. Nothing worse than having to act normal when you are feeling like death. A couple times towards the end of my days, I didn't even try to act normal, I just kept to myself, tried to eat and drink something to get my body normalized. Everyone knew I was feeling horrible. Embarrassing for someone my age.

least

I am grateful beyond measure that my last drunk was almost six and a half years ago. I will never go back to that hell. I love my life now.

August252015

Yep, I do this, too. Whether I cringe at one or get grateful I won't do another anymore, these glimpses into the window of that life are powerful reminders of why I am sober now.

I am inexplicably lucky to be here - there must be a reason and I am bound and determined to find it.

Mountainmanbob

They sure work well for me.
I was a wretched drunk.
And I wish to never forget that.
We will not shut the door on our past
or wish to forget it.
MM

CCFCAFC

Unfortunately mine was 2 nights ago. Went to a concert that I was very much looking forward to, loaded up on drinks before hand and during and can't remember 95% of the gig - or actually getting home. Saw photos of myself the next day asleep on the train home.

Blackouts are the worst. According to my friends I didn't even 'seem that drunk' yet memories aren't being formed. It's horrible and I hate it so much. I always assume I did the most stupid/ridiculous things while in that stage and I probably did do some stupid things - things I would never do when sober.

I can go for days/weeks without drinking but when I do I just can't handle it, my first several drinks i'm 'fine' - don't feel drunk and then bam one more and it's lights out. I am fortunate in life - I'm 29, I have a good family, wife and son with another boy on the way and it's time to put a stop to this. I don't even know it got to this but every night out is the same. And I know how messed up this is - but I almost feel like I need to have another big session just to prove to myself that I can control it and it doesn't control me - ridiculous.

amp123

Hey! Sounds like you are smart in that you have identified this problem before it has started ruling your life. If you have to think about whether you can control it or not you probably have the answer right there. Hope you make a wise decision

CCFCAFC

Cheers for the post amp123. Blackouts are nothing new to me been struggling with them since my early 20's. And because I don't drink every day I guess some people close to me don't think I have a 'problem' but it's been a problem for me for a while now. I was speaking to someone today about it and they asked what I was drinking, to which I replied "beer" and they said that the blackout was unusual as beer doesn't usually sneak up on you. Well it definitely does for me I can tell you that much!

GnikNus

After I became sober and told the people I know, couple of them said "but I don't think I ever saw you drunk" or "you never appeared to be too drunk" when the fact of the matter was that I was blackout drunk and could not remember anything about what happened "the night before." The only thing I could tell them was that I was pretty good at hiding it. Just because I wasn't falling over or becoming belligerent and violent, and generally good at keeping a check on myself (most of the time) no one knew how drunk I actually was. I could appear "normal" to others, yet remember nothing the next day about the previous night.
I wonder how many people are like this and are able to get away with and carry on drinking when they shouldn't because, from all outward appearances, they seem "fine" when drinking.