Soberintexas007

I have decided to have my new Day 1 be tomorrow. Tonight husband stayed home for dinner, and we had some wine, beer, and pot. So that is that.

Although I am disappointed I relapsed yesterday, I will just start again tomorrow and go to an AA meeting. Today I got in a rigorous exercise and cleansed myself of a lot of toxins.

It has almost been 30 days since I last placed a bet, so I am happy about my gambling sobriety. Now just need to figure out the alcohol thing. It's so interesting because yesterday when we went out to eat, it totally occurred to me the role gambling played in my life and helped keep my stay sober from alcohol. In the past, I would have had placed a bet on something and would have been able to obsess about it after the movie and at dinner. This was enough of a distraction to keep me away from drinking, even though my husband was drinking in front of me. Now that I no longer gamble, it is SO difficult to stop drinking because I no longer have that distraction.

So, here is my question. In the moments that my husband is drinking and I am not, what can I tell myself during that time to refrain from drinking? Is it just a matter of willpower? What is the difference between someone who would not have picked up yesterday between me who did? Do they have more willpower? Do they have a deeper bottom? What separates us? (If you remember, I had been going to AA meetings, so I was involved in recovery too)

interruptedgirl

I am reading the Big Book (4th Edition). From what I understand, one does not need to hit a "rock bottom" in order to stop drinking. Simply we must surrender to the fact that we have no control over alcohol. Surrender to the fact that without a higher power (whatever/whomever) that may be , that we will continue to drink.

We must be completely honest with ourselves in that we have a problem, and that we need support in order to stop drinking. Without honest self reflection, we will continue to be lost.

Sometimes, the people we love the most enable us. We then grow comfortable in a co-dependant/toxic relationship. I have been there...

No one can give you an answer to solve the complex reality of your life right now. The tools (Big Book, AA, SR etc) are there for you.

Take the time, do the work, and start looking for answers inside of yourself. You can live sober. Stop focusing on your husband's drinking, and start focusing on your drinking and sobriety.

ScottFromWI

I would say that you should revisit this today when you sober up. Many of the questions you ask above are most likely a result of the beer and pot that you are both taking right now.

It is entirely possible for one spouse/partner to get sober when the other does not, but one of the first steps is for both of you to have a meaningful discussion about it while you are both sober. You'll need to set boundaries and one of them may be asking him to refrain from using around you.

Anna

I think it all comes down to motivation. Do you want to live a sober life? If so, what are you willing to do to accomplish that?

Berrybean

Going to meetings is one thing, but that in itself is not The Programme, as you know. You found a new sponsor already. I would suggest talking to them regularly and honestly; calling your sponsor or someone else in the fellowship before taking a drink; working the steps with your sponsor; taking people's advice, even when it isn't what you want to hear; changing any routine and habits that may be triggers (even if your self-will screams at you not to); Maybe read through your posts on here that you made in the lead up to taking that drink to look for clues as to what your AV was whispering to you.





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BackToSquareOne

I think if you look at the basics of human nature you find that people just like to change the way they feel. Alcohol does that and so we keep falling into the same old trap, the crazy thing is our minds have an ability to block out the part that we'll feel even worse when it wears off. It is truly amazing how it can take so long to see thru it in a big enough way.

tomsteve

People involved in recovery, and it doesn't matter what method, don't end up drinking beer,wine, and smoking pot.

IMO, the difference between ones who get and stay sober and ones who do them relapse things is a willingness to do whatever action is necessary to get and stay sober.
Willpower was absolutely no good for me. I needed a power greater than me- one not of this world.
But there was also a lot of action on my part. Faith without works is dead.
It also required me to get honest.

Weaver

I wouldn't call your drinking these past few days a "relapse" really...

All those questions are good questions I suppose but what it comes down to it, are you absolutely 100% ready to attempt to quit drinking. You seem almost ok with the fact that you drank and smoked weed tonight.
Setting the "tomorrow is gonna be my last day" never works out, at least in my experience. I have also found its easy to get amped up about quitting drinking while intoxicated. I mean obviously you feel GOOD while intoxicated so everything seems just peachy keen and rosey. The real "test" will be tomorrow when you wake up and the first thought of the day will inevitably be "when is my next drink gonna be?" That's where the hard part comes in.

Have you ever considered SMART recovery, LifeRing or Rational Recovery?
I know it seems daunting and probably like you CAN'T do it... But trust me. You CAN. If I can quit then anyone can quit.

Soberintexas007

Sounding okay last night with my using behavior was only because I was trying to be okay with something that deep down I wasn't.

I woke up today and thought about drinking, and I resisted. Looks like I have another Day 1 in the books, so long as I don't drink in the next couple of hours.

I have not tried those other groups. Those groups are not going to keep my husband from drinking in front of me. I am in the process of figuring out my own plan.

Berrybean

Ahh yes. I did a lot of that. I personally managed to dress it up as 'being positive' or some-such thing. Now I treat it as being dishonest with myself. Or Denial (DENIAL = Don't Even Notice I Am Lying). Every morning I pray that I can see past my own internal fibs. After all, if we're going to recognise our Ego and Self-Will at work and address these before they cause us issues, then we need to be completely honest with ourselves.

You say you're working on a plan. This might be a good time to meet with your (new or past) sponsor for coffee, cake and developing some strategies.

Soberintexas007

I am meeting with my sponsor this Friday at my place.