digdug

After a couple of years sober, it's usually pretty easy to turn over everyday occurrences, in which I have no control. Life on life's terms; no big deal.

But the big stuff keeps kicking my ass. I had my annual endoscopy on Tuesday. Of course they found stuff, including an unexplainable "white patch" in my esophagus. Biopsies were taken. I get the results tomorrow. I was advised surgery is a likely possibility to remove whatever it is, assuming that it's not malignant.

Just getting the testing done gets my anxiety into high gear because of PTSD related issues from my last drinking days (ended up in a coma and woke up intubated on a ventilator from DTs). So the mere thought of having another tube down my throat sets me off. But I got through it. Just like I got through hit last year.

But I am so angry and tired with the continuing medical issues. Angry at the problem (why does this keep happening to me? I've stayed sober for two years, worked my program hard and have been a model citizen). Angry at myself for putting myself in this situation with my drinking in the first place.

I'm tired of all the medical stuff. Tired of the testing, tired of the doctors' visits, tired of surgeries. I thought getting my hips replaced at 8 months sober would be the last thing I'd have to deal with as a result of my drinking. 2 months of recovery and another 6 months of physical therapy. It drains you.

I haven't been sleeping well. I'm tuning out in meetings. I've been isolating. I haven't gone to work since Monday; just logging in from home. I haven't called my sponsor to tell him about what they found during the endoscopy. My girlfriend, who has never seen me drunk, says she doesn't know how to deal with me when I'm like this. She usually makes fun of me for being so positive all the time, but says the negative version of me is way worse.

I don't feel depressed. I don't feel like drinking at all. Whatever happens is going to happen and it's out of my control. It's just the thought of having to go through another round of surgery, recovery and rehab makes me so tired.

Hoping for good news tomorrow but with my luck, that's not exactly a given.

Dee74

Medical stuff and waiting for results is enough to unsettle anyone DD.

I hope that this proves to be something easily fixed and that you get a few health breaks after this.

Lean on your SR family as much as you need to - we'll help you through

D

Soberintexas007

DD,
Sorry you have to go through this. But I found it shocking to read that you haven't told your sponsor about this news. I would think that after having 2 years sober, you would feel comfortable telling your sponsor anything.

Gilmer

I'm sorry, DD.

Gottalife

I admire your courage DD. I really don't know how I would handle similar circumstances. I will probably have to have a hip replacement one day. I dread the thought. And going to the dentist, I almost need a general aneasthetic just to get in the chair. My doc thinks thats down to a child hood trauma.

I will pray for good news for you, and that you are given the strength to handle whatever comes your way. In times of adversity for me, over and over it has been proven that it will be alright , whatever happens. That is from a faith I built up in AA, through experience. It never hurts to talk to newcomer either. You have a lot to offer.

IOAA2

Hi.
I’m sorry you’re going through all these tests of character. For me it’s tough to accept the things I can’t change such as health issues.

I recall and am grateful to recall when I was in an ambulance being rushed to the hospital just saying a little prayer to MY HP and turning the results over to her/him. That really put my mind at ease and was able to joke with the surgeon. I’m not saying apprehension was totally gone but it was not even close to being in the dental chair today.

Even after a lot of sober years fear of the unknown is still part of me but I still don’t drink or have not wanted to for many years.

BE WELL

malamute100

What ever recovery you do now will not be as hard as recovering for alcohol !!
You have got though the worst part and u were strong enough to to that !
You can do anything , your superman !
Good luck mate

zjw

I think that kinda thing can be hard. The people around us weather we realize it or not we can or could be taking them for our little roller coaster ride. Of course I'm sure they take us for there rides too so maybe its normal but its still hard on each other.

I'm like you I still tend to get "hooked" by the big stuff i get hooked into the struggle and the suffering. I'll then obsess and magnify it etc..

But when I'm on my game I wont get as hooked or hooked at all. I'll go with the flow and roll with the punches. I'll tell myself life goes on i'll just go with it.

It is hard however because before I know it I could be playing the suffering game instead of rolling with it. and once your hooked its hard to get unhooked. But getting unhooked is the only way i've found to find some sanity again.

Hang in there. I hope this works out. what your doing right here on this site helps. I find I gotta go talk to someone to help me hopefully they can talk me off that edge bring me out of my scatter brained world of worry and anxiety and insanity and back to life where I just go with the flow again.

tootsl1

Hugs DD. call your sponsor love, stop isolating. Open up with your loved ones, and let them be there for you. What you are doing now will be worrying them. I know you have been through a lot, more than most, but whatever you have to deal with you will, and you will deal with in your own style. Your Marcher friends are here for you, and always will be. Xx

JensDestiny

I am very sorry to hear that you are going through so many struggles and I hope that everything turns out okay.