Post or DIE
Work in Progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
Post or DIE
I posted this in the substance abuse forum because that's my home. I'm posting here because I need to. I need help. And it takes a lot to say that for me because I'm supposed to be strong. I'm not so strong now.
Yeah, that's the point I'm at. I'm incredibly disturbed. I was once the poster child for this site. I fell. I made it. Now I've fallen again. That's shameful for me. But when I'm about to be done with everything, this is my go to site for rescue.
I'm back. I'm sorry I was away for so long. But you guys here are my only support.
I did something last night that was so stupid. And it ruined my relationship with my only person in life, my boyfriend.
How do I fix it, I don't know. I'm drinking to dull the pain. I would love to go out and cop some drugs but I know I don't want that. Not that this is better but I'm surviving for now and not killing myself like I would like to.
Will I make it through? I don't know. I think I will always be a mess no matter what therapy I go through. I keep trying though. So when I fu*k up its hard. I'm trying. Doesn't ever seem to be enough.
If you all allow me to, I want to share my journey with you again. Because you have been my family that I never had.
Thank you and I love all you familiar names
Smiley face included to be pleasant....
Yeah, that's the point I'm at. I'm incredibly disturbed. I was once the poster child for this site. I fell. I made it. Now I've fallen again. That's shameful for me. But when I'm about to be done with everything, this is my go to site for rescue.
I'm back. I'm sorry I was away for so long. But you guys here are my only support.
I did something last night that was so stupid. And it ruined my relationship with my only person in life, my boyfriend.
How do I fix it, I don't know. I'm drinking to dull the pain. I would love to go out and cop some drugs but I know I don't want that. Not that this is better but I'm surviving for now and not killing myself like I would like to.
Will I make it through? I don't know. I think I will always be a mess no matter what therapy I go through. I keep trying though. So when I fu*k up its hard. I'm trying. Doesn't ever seem to be enough.
If you all allow me to, I want to share my journey with you again. Because you have been my family that I never had.
Thank you and I love all you familiar names
Smiley face included to be pleasant....
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back DecBaby. I have learned a lot here at SR myself, I hope you can find the help you need. One thing I know for sure though is that drinking isn't going to help anything....can you dump what you have and start working on how to get back on track?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by DecBaby 
How do I fix it, I don't know. I'm drinking to dull the pain.
Not too good.
You can get sober yet again as I did.
Is it time to make a firm decision ??
MM
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
The biggest waves can start from the smallest ripple DecBaby 
You know my story - SR helped turn my life around - you may have stumbled a little but you can turn things around too_
are you drinking at the moment?
D
You know my story - SR helped turn my life around - you may have stumbled a little but you can turn things around too
_are you drinking at the moment?
D
Work in Progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
Dee, yes. But by posting again I'm hoping to make the turn I need. I've been working a lot on myself. But I did something stupid. Now it hurts so much. I know I'm better than this. But for now I need to numb the pain. Tomorrow I will return clear headed because I need this place. But now I just need support.
Don't you just wish you could be "normal"? I don't know what that means. I KNOW its not me though. I wish life wasn't so hard. Drinking, drugging or not, that's how I always feel.
Don't you just wish you could be "normal"? I don't know what that means. I KNOW its not me though. I wish life wasn't so hard. Drinking, drugging or not, that's how I always feel.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by DecBaby
But for now I need to numb the pain. Tomorrow I will return clear headed because I need this place. But now I just need support.
We can't help you if you are drunk....pretty simple. Why not put down the bottle so we can?
Work in Progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
I planned on quitting "tomorrow" more times than I can count. You actualIy won't be clear headed, you'll be hungover, sick, and quite possibly regretting another night of actions you never planned.
We can't help you if you are drunk....pretty simple. Why not put down the bottle so we can?
We can't help you if you are drunk....pretty simple. Why not put down the bottle so we can?
I know this sounds like a sob story. But its mine. Its real. And it hurts. And I need my people. I need support. I've been here a long time. I'm a troubled soul. I'm tying to fix it. Just running into some troubles. Looking for people who understand.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by DecBaby
I know the principle. Please look me up. You will see my story. Right now yes I am drinking. Please don't push me away. Tomorrow yes I will be hungover, But I will have you guys for support. Right now I have nobody. But my boyfriend who I hurt and hates me right now.
I know this sounds like a sob story. But its mine. Its real. And it hurts. And I need my people. I need support. I've been here a long time. I'm a troubled soul. I'm tying to fix it. Just running into some troubles. Looking for people who understand.
I know this sounds like a sob story. But its mine. Its real. And it hurts. And I need my people. I need support. I've been here a long time. I'm a troubled soul. I'm tying to fix it. Just running into some troubles. Looking for people who understand.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Just throwing this out there but alcohol always made me so emotional. In the early days I couldn't drink if I was stressed or upset because it intensified that mood. Even if it were not for the addiction problem it's a horrible way to deal with sadness. It's gas on the fire DecBaby. Could you see your way to dumping it and talking it out instead?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I'm glad ya made it back,dec. what ya say about Ruining your relationship-
It wasn't stupid. I don't care what it was that happened,but it wasn't stupid. Youre not a stupid woman. Just sick.
The day after my last drunk( to date) my fiancé ( actually, by then she was my ex. I just hadn't been informed yet) told me some of what I had done and said the night before while I was in a blackout. Then said,"GET THE **** OUT!!!"
And I did. Packed a bag and left.I knew she meant it this time.
Still drunk, but completely filled with terror, bewilderment, remorse, guilt..probably a lot of other negative feeling/emotions..... I walked out.
It was then that I finally got out of denial and admitted,to myself, that alcohol was the common denominator in all my problems. It was then I finally admitted I needed to do something about it. It was then I wanted to do something about it for the right motive.
I narrowed my choices down to two- go to AA or kill myself.
I chose AA.
It was very rough for me for some time. I completely hated who and what I was. But I went to meetings, read the big book, which was amazed a book published 28 years before I was born described me perfectly, and started doing what it said and also took suggestions form the poeple at the meetings.
One of them suggestions was to look at myself in the mirror. Right into my own eyes and tell myself I love me.
DAM!!!! Wtf was there problem!?!!!? Didn't they know I hated myself?!?!?
But I still did it. It was extremely hard to look right into my own eye. Balled my ass off doing it for a while. Then I was able to actually one day say I love me. Then balled.
But I kept doing it, kept going to meetings, kept doing wha the by said.
And eventually I not only was able to say I love myself, I believed it.
I was able to make amends with my ex fiancé. Of course we didn't get back together and I am ok with that and rather greatful we didn't get back together.
And life had been awesome!!!!
So, I'm not pushing AA on ya. What I'm trying to convey is what your experiencing- theres a way out from under it
And
You're worth it.
Once again, you're not a stupid nor a bad person.
Just a sick one.
But there IS a solution.
It wasn't stupid. I don't care what it was that happened,but it wasn't stupid. Youre not a stupid woman. Just sick.
The day after my last drunk( to date) my fiancé ( actually, by then she was my ex. I just hadn't been informed yet) told me some of what I had done and said the night before while I was in a blackout. Then said,"GET THE **** OUT!!!"
And I did. Packed a bag and left.I knew she meant it this time.
Still drunk, but completely filled with terror, bewilderment, remorse, guilt..probably a lot of other negative feeling/emotions..... I walked out.
It was then that I finally got out of denial and admitted,to myself, that alcohol was the common denominator in all my problems. It was then I finally admitted I needed to do something about it. It was then I wanted to do something about it for the right motive.
I narrowed my choices down to two- go to AA or kill myself.
I chose AA.
It was very rough for me for some time. I completely hated who and what I was. But I went to meetings, read the big book, which was amazed a book published 28 years before I was born described me perfectly, and started doing what it said and also took suggestions form the poeple at the meetings.
One of them suggestions was to look at myself in the mirror. Right into my own eyes and tell myself I love me.
DAM!!!! Wtf was there problem!?!!!? Didn't they know I hated myself?!?!?
But I still did it. It was extremely hard to look right into my own eye. Balled my ass off doing it for a while. Then I was able to actually one day say I love me. Then balled.
But I kept doing it, kept going to meetings, kept doing wha the by said.
And eventually I not only was able to say I love myself, I believed it.
I was able to make amends with my ex fiancé. Of course we didn't get back together and I am ok with that and rather greatful we didn't get back together.
And life had been awesome!!!!
So, I'm not pushing AA on ya. What I'm trying to convey is what your experiencing- theres a way out from under it
And
You're worth it.
Once again, you're not a stupid nor a bad person.
Just a sick one.
But there IS a solution.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Welcome home DecBaby. We're always going to be here to listen and help, however we can. You already know that drinking does nothing to actually solve anything, and it just increases our anxiety. Give yourself chance to handle this problem with a clear head - posting here will help. We care about you.
Work in Progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
If you really want to know, if you search for DecBaby you will find the full story. Too many years to tell. When things are good I disappear. Not good I know. But this place has always helped keep me accountable. So here I go. Starting again.
I want to be better and help those trying to better.
If you become my friend you will see pics from my beginning days.
I want to be better and help those trying to better.
If you become my friend you will see pics from my beginning days.
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