lycanlaz

after my ex had relapsed i'd been trying to run around getting stuff together, like trying to make sure her mum and aunt were up to speed, taking out the dogs, getting laundry done and a few bits of food at the same time as trying to keep my drinking level, but mostly staying out of her way because i didn't want to exacerbate anything. her other ex appeared on the front doorstep hammering on the door, i didn't let him in at first, he's got a bad coke habit and i didn't know if she'd want to see him... he gave me some story about her mum saying something about if he couldn't get in contact to contact the police, which sounded suspect to me but after i shut the door i went and asked her if she wanted to see him. she said yeah, so i ran after him and they spent the next few hours talking. i went in at one point to check on her and she looked at me like i was a piece of crap, but whatever...

next morning i woke up with severe stomach pain after three hours of sleep, she comes in demanding i give her some of my alcohol, i couldn't respond cause i was in so much pain, crawled to the toilet, when i got back she'd taken a load of my drink. i asked for the wine back and then when she'd gone back in her room i just ordered a taxi and came back to my old house. i didn't want to come back here cause her mum had put in notice on it and it's a real mess and i thought i'd lost it but i didn't want to be near her any longer.

got a message from her mum asking me if i'd bought my ex more alcohol, telling me her ex had gone into the house and seen dog crap on the floor, telling me to pick it up, like.... why the **** didn't he pick it up if he saw it? i got really upset at this point, didn't respond, haven't spoken to any of them since, like.... i know i'm being self-pitying feeling like this, this whole victim state of mind, i'm just really angry with them because i've been in severe need of support for the past two years and no one has done anything to help me or give me an ounce of sympathy and the second she goes into any type of crisis it's like it's the end of the world, and it's my fault, and i'm not doing enough.... and i know i need to take responsibility for myself, that's why i'm here alone without contact because it's only damaging me and making me more angry, but **** them, the attention she screams for, and it feels like because i didn't give her that attention she craves she's gone off the rails - that was the only reason she picked up the drink, because she thought that we were going to be some kind of happy family and i said that's not what i'm about, i know that's why she drank, and i feel manipulated by her on every level, and i don't like this hate i feel towards her because of the way she so quickly demonises me, and how easily everyone buys it.

ranting aside, i saw my case workers today and we managed to rescind my notice on the house, so i can stay here at least for now. the detox centre has been in touch and i have a bed to go in on this wednesday for two weeks. a lot of productive things happened today. my cats are going to have to go to a pet shelter which is upsetting for me but they need to be somewhere safe and loving and i can't provide that for anything else right now. i can go and get sober now and i want to stay that way. i'm scared of the emotions that i'll have to deal with but i'm so relieved it's only two days away.

Della1968

I think you need to let your ex fight her battle for herself and you fight yours. I am glad you are getting into detox.

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear you are getting into detox Wednesday. I'd agree that your ex is going to need to take care of her own problems at this point, there's really nothing you can do until you get cleaned up yourself.

sleepie

Lycanlanz, so happy you are finally getting into detox! Please make you your number one priority so you can get some deserved peace in your life

Dee74

That was me punching the air about you finally getting a detox bed Lyc. Great stuff man

I'm sorry about your ex but I agree with the others - you have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can think about helping anyone else.

D

lycanlaz

thanks guys. just found someone to rehome the cats. upset about saying goodbye to them but i know they're going to go somewhere safe. my OT had been calling around and everyone said no, but a woman from the CPL got back in touch saying she couldn't sleep all night thinking about them because it was breaking her heart and she's going to put them in her spare room while she finds someone to place them with... and that she had to promise her husband that she wouldn't keep them because otherwise she'll become the crazy cat lady, lol. they're beautiful cats though, they're lovely and funny and soft and i get the feeling she won't be able to not keep them... they deserve someone who can give them the attention and love they need and i can't provide that and the best way i can love them right now is let someone capable give them that.

also just found out my paternal grandma died. i don't really know that side of the family so i'm kind of detached from it but it's still thrown me a bit. i'd have liked the opportunity at some point to get to know her.

but focusing on getting sober before anything else. just packing my bag at the minute.

Bh28

Detox is nothing. When you come out that's something. G luck.