Big Book Step Study but afraid of the people?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Boston
Posts: 27
Big Book Step Study but afraid of the people?
ive been needing to up my game for a while and i really want to do a Big Book Sep Study. my ex did one andi went to the meetings about 3 years ago. i believe 'the process' works i just didn't like some things i saw going on in there.
'
I had a friend from the North End who did a big book step study she was beautiful and real smart too. her dad was in politics. she was always a good person but she had problems. after her 4th step she had changed so muc, her enthusiasm was remarcable and I remember thinking what a bright future she had and she was gonna help a lot of people.
next thing i know shes hanging out with dude just getting out of jail. i don't know what happened but my guess is she tried to save him. i once heard a guy with 30 years say someties we repeat our past one more time when we're starting to get well so we can see where it came from. this makes sence.
she ended it though in a few months and he character assassinated her. he had a lot of people helping him who didnt want her to grow. the things being said did not sound true to me but the basic message was, shun her.
she told me once her relationship with her sponcor was the firs safe relationship she ever had. the sponcor was a Mexican girl from California. i was surprised to see the sponccor suddenly come down to our meetings again, sniffing around to see what she could steal from the sicuation. when she saw how big it was she told my friend not to confront it, leaving her in' fight or flight'. she chose flight and left a year later i think. the sponcor kept hurting her, molesting her emotionally crossing her boundaries and causing her mental pain around the sicuation. then she broke off the relationship leaving my friennd alone.
the 'sponcor' so high on her ego at my friend's pain. next thing i know she had a BF
we alkees have sick minds. we love to compare suffering. we're thieves and liars. i'm doing better than she is, self esteem and power stealing ecct ect.........
when i was attending Big Book Step Study meetings 3 years ago i saw my friend again, she was the speaker in Arlington. she was ok. she had a safe haven there. the girl jen in Big Book Step Study was there that day. she was getting married and after that meeting she started slandering my friend all over big book step study and other kinds of meetings breaking traditions everywhere, some of her sponcees were even helping her, then the ex-sponcor joined in...a regular click. ok so that's the stuff that makes me wonder if it really WORKS or if i really want to BE there. i think my friend's honesty threatens the sh*t out of her ego that she loves so much......i hope someday she takes a look at what's REALLY going on
so that's the kind of stuff i don't want to deal with or watch. my ex and i left at that point. but i KNOW it works for some people. ive seen it. and i think the men might be better.
i didn't mean to ramble on so long, a lazy sunday i guess. thanks for letting me talk this out
'
I had a friend from the North End who did a big book step study she was beautiful and real smart too. her dad was in politics. she was always a good person but she had problems. after her 4th step she had changed so muc, her enthusiasm was remarcable and I remember thinking what a bright future she had and she was gonna help a lot of people.
next thing i know shes hanging out with dude just getting out of jail. i don't know what happened but my guess is she tried to save him. i once heard a guy with 30 years say someties we repeat our past one more time when we're starting to get well so we can see where it came from. this makes sence.
she ended it though in a few months and he character assassinated her. he had a lot of people helping him who didnt want her to grow. the things being said did not sound true to me but the basic message was, shun her.
she told me once her relationship with her sponcor was the firs safe relationship she ever had. the sponcor was a Mexican girl from California. i was surprised to see the sponccor suddenly come down to our meetings again, sniffing around to see what she could steal from the sicuation. when she saw how big it was she told my friend not to confront it, leaving her in' fight or flight'. she chose flight and left a year later i think. the sponcor kept hurting her, molesting her emotionally crossing her boundaries and causing her mental pain around the sicuation. then she broke off the relationship leaving my friennd alone.
the 'sponcor' so high on her ego at my friend's pain. next thing i know she had a BF
we alkees have sick minds. we love to compare suffering. we're thieves and liars. i'm doing better than she is, self esteem and power stealing ecct ect.........
when i was attending Big Book Step Study meetings 3 years ago i saw my friend again, she was the speaker in Arlington. she was ok. she had a safe haven there. the girl jen in Big Book Step Study was there that day. she was getting married and after that meeting she started slandering my friend all over big book step study and other kinds of meetings breaking traditions everywhere, some of her sponcees were even helping her, then the ex-sponcor joined in...a regular click. ok so that's the stuff that makes me wonder if it really WORKS or if i really want to BE there. i think my friend's honesty threatens the sh*t out of her ego that she loves so much......i hope someday she takes a look at what's REALLY going on
so that's the kind of stuff i don't want to deal with or watch. my ex and i left at that point. but i KNOW it works for some people. ive seen it. and i think the men might be better.
i didn't mean to ramble on so long, a lazy sunday i guess. thanks for letting me talk this out
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
You will get out of any sobriety plan what you put into it. And every group of people will have some bad seeds, that's just the nature of life. If you think the study will help, just go...don't overthink it.
Guest
Join Date: May 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,086
I think it's worth maybe trying another group as I've never had any experiences like that at AA. I understand your reservations if you've had a bad experience, and that does sound like an upsetting thing to be involved in for sure.
AA might really work for you, it certainly does for me combined with other recovery methods too.
AA might really work for you, it certainly does for me combined with other recovery methods too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
Ugh that sounds really toxic. Unfortunately those people exist, if you are going to do a step study I would look into another group or just finding another meeting and getting a personal sponsor to work the steps with you don't necessarily have to go to a step study meeting . On another note, aa doesn't work for everyone, so if for whatever reason you decide it doesn't feel right , you have other options out there.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi.
You spend a lot of time investigating the behaviors, thinking and motives of other people who, based on your account, seem to be drawn to destructive and pathological entanglements. What is it that you want for yourself? As you describe it, the people involved are either monsters or victims, perhaps even both. Makes me wonder what's in it for you to do this.
You're also building a case against getting help in a specific way that's, again, based on your assessment of what's been going on with other people, rather than deciding on what you want for yourself. I don't believe that most people are so impressionable or gullible that they have a readiness to fall victim to the destructive whims of others. Blaming other people for a broken reputation, for living a life that isn't one we'd planned on living, or for our emotional turmoil (as seems to be the case with the people you've described) does nothing but sustain an ostensibly unwanted status quo, while providing "evidence" that there's little we can do for ourselves, with or without the help of others.
Thousands of people attend Big Book Step Studies without losing their autonomy to think and behave as they see fit, and most do not become victims of other people's psychopathology. It would be something along the lines of a malignant cynicism to believe otherwise. More than this, these kinds of meetings help many people on their way to achieving sobriety.
I never paid much attention to people when I first started getting involved in AA who just seemed bizarre in what they did or what they said, though I acknowledge that I broadened my tolerance around what was and what was not bizarre at the time. These people tend to marginalize themselves from the group, both in and outside of AA and, for me, don't belong in a sober life, my sober life. I'm unwilling to place my sobriety at risk by involving myself in other people's destructive drama, and I've built a healthy boundary beyond which I'm unwilling to help people who refuse to be helped or to help themselves.
By definition and by their nature, recovery programs present a threat to our drinking, so what's to like about them? Our ability to navigate through or otherwise avoid interpersonal mine fields is an important developmental milestone in recovery. One of the things I learned early on, and with the support of my sponsor, was to avoid toxic people and to focus on my own recovery. People who come into AA have done the same crazy things that we here on SR have done and are therefore not at their best when first getting sober; they've also experienced developmental arrest due to their drinking, just like everyone else. And there are a few who only get worse with time.
Dramatic events grab our attention because they're dramatic, and not because they're representative of the norm.
I hope you get the help you need.
You spend a lot of time investigating the behaviors, thinking and motives of other people who, based on your account, seem to be drawn to destructive and pathological entanglements. What is it that you want for yourself? As you describe it, the people involved are either monsters or victims, perhaps even both. Makes me wonder what's in it for you to do this.
You're also building a case against getting help in a specific way that's, again, based on your assessment of what's been going on with other people, rather than deciding on what you want for yourself. I don't believe that most people are so impressionable or gullible that they have a readiness to fall victim to the destructive whims of others. Blaming other people for a broken reputation, for living a life that isn't one we'd planned on living, or for our emotional turmoil (as seems to be the case with the people you've described) does nothing but sustain an ostensibly unwanted status quo, while providing "evidence" that there's little we can do for ourselves, with or without the help of others.
Thousands of people attend Big Book Step Studies without losing their autonomy to think and behave as they see fit, and most do not become victims of other people's psychopathology. It would be something along the lines of a malignant cynicism to believe otherwise. More than this, these kinds of meetings help many people on their way to achieving sobriety.
I never paid much attention to people when I first started getting involved in AA who just seemed bizarre in what they did or what they said, though I acknowledge that I broadened my tolerance around what was and what was not bizarre at the time. These people tend to marginalize themselves from the group, both in and outside of AA and, for me, don't belong in a sober life, my sober life. I'm unwilling to place my sobriety at risk by involving myself in other people's destructive drama, and I've built a healthy boundary beyond which I'm unwilling to help people who refuse to be helped or to help themselves.
By definition and by their nature, recovery programs present a threat to our drinking, so what's to like about them? Our ability to navigate through or otherwise avoid interpersonal mine fields is an important developmental milestone in recovery. One of the things I learned early on, and with the support of my sponsor, was to avoid toxic people and to focus on my own recovery. People who come into AA have done the same crazy things that we here on SR have done and are therefore not at their best when first getting sober; they've also experienced developmental arrest due to their drinking, just like everyone else. And there are a few who only get worse with time.
Dramatic events grab our attention because they're dramatic, and not because they're representative of the norm.
I hope you get the help you need.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
Originally Posted by DayTrader 
Sounds like a 1st step problem..... there's a 12-step area here where you may find some help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Boston
Posts: 27
hello everyone. i decided to look for someone in the meetings i go to now who has done a big book stepp study and ask ifhe will Sponcor me that way witout going to those meetings. what do i got to lose? by the way it is not Big Book Studies it is Big Book STEP Study, a very certain way there is to do the steps.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by toqa
hello everyone. i decided to look for someone in the meetings i go to now who has done a big book stepp study and ask ifhe will Sponcor me that way witout going to those meetings. what do i got to lose? by the way it is not Big Book Studies it is Big Book STEP Study, a very certain way there is to do the steps.
When it was written, the authors explain that these were the steps they took which are suggested as a program of recovery. There were a small number, maybe a hundred alcoholics who had recovered using those principles. Actually, that is a very small number and if that was all it was based on, I dont think it would have much credibility.
What gives it credibility was what happened after the books release. The suggested plan really worked and by the time the second edition came out in 1955 they estimate there were 150,000 recovered alcoholics. See foreword to the second edtion for details. That was the proof of the pudding.
I think your plan is a good one. Find a sponsor who will sit down with you and the book and help you through the steps. That's waht I did and I recovered fully as a result.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
You got some really good feedback on this thread. Work the steps with your sponsor and stay away from drama queens and kings (they tend to congregate at the same drama meetings anyway) and you will be ok
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: MA
Posts: 8
Yup. This did go down. The sponsor who did this was Denise Ferreira. She's into Kabbalah now and I believe is moving back to CA soon. What she did has sort of been hidden for a long time, but not really. There are just other people with similar motives helping her hide it.
I for one will not validate that behavior and have no problem shining the light of truth on it.
People are people anywhere you go. We have to be careful of some and be open to others. I would never discourage anyone from doing the big book step study process. I know it saves lives.
I for one will not validate that behavior and have no problem shining the light of truth on it.
People are people anywhere you go. We have to be careful of some and be open to others. I would never discourage anyone from doing the big book step study process. I know it saves lives.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I heard some gossip that made me a little worried about going to the 12 and 12 Meeting that is now one of my favourites. On top of the fact that I didn't actually need to worry at all as I have little reason to be involved with the people concerned, the person the gossip was aimed at has said a lot of things that have helped my recovery.
I don't know whether the gossip / allegation was true or false, and probably never will. And it is none of my business. The rooms are full of sick people. I have been one of them. As long as I focus on recovery and not gossip, things will be fine.
Principles not personalities.
I don't know whether the gossip / allegation was true or false, and probably never will. And it is none of my business. The rooms are full of sick people. I have been one of them. As long as I focus on recovery and not gossip, things will be fine.
Principles not personalities.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
PS Have you got the 12 and 12 book? That is a great way to study each step in more detail while you're waiting to get started with a meeting you feel safe in.
You can buy the book, or use the free pdfs for each step / tradition online...
Alcoholics Anonymous : Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
You can buy the book, or use the free pdfs for each step / tradition online...
Alcoholics Anonymous : Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
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