Boleo

Thanks for teaching me a new word "Wetiko". I just looked it up and found that it corresponds to another new word I just recently learned "Kardashianism".

Aellyce

Trach, I had similar dilemmas. The most difficult one was my alcoholic ex, who reached out to me a few times last year saying that he finally feels ready to do something about his drinking. He knows that I quit over a year ago and have been doing the "recovery thing" since, but nothing about how. It was very difficult for me because several years ago I would have given the world for us to do this together. I told him that I found all the info I needed online, including detailed guides to whatever else if not online. He's a big internet junkie like myself, so can definitely do the same.

I agree with others, you have done what's best for everyone. You did give him tips what to study if he is so inclined. To be honest, if someone is not interested in doing their own research in this era with the easy availability of information nowadays, perhaps online support would not be very fitting for him. In any case, he can find out. I don't think that your not revealing everything is selfish at all. You are simply protecting your own space and recovery, in a healthy way.

fini

Trach,
i think it's very much exactly like handing over your private journal, as someone mentioned above. and not just that, but in addition your relationships with others here, your interactions.
if he's interested in changing "the rest of it" now that he's clean, there are many options and they're findable without too much trouble if it's internet support he wants.
you giving him the link to SR and telling you're here is shooting yourself in the foot and curtailing your participation in what you need.

Iconoclastic

There's no bait, so there's nothing to bit.

I wrote my post in the context of this posters last sentence which reads "Hopefully what I clued her into about PAWS tonight will give them some direction." This is what I referenced, based on my experience (First Person Singular) i.e. the poster gave their knowledge away, which I support!

What you refer to as AA theory (keeping it by giving it away) is a metaphor.

Re: family, you're preaching to the choir, I'm an Al-Anon and ACoA.

Re: How you share your recovery in general way, is your prerogative.

Re: AA members privacy / anonymity, some members respect others privacy, but it's an ideal and would apply in a perfect world, but not in reality. I got sober in Malibu where some of the most famous people in the world attend AA meetings and people gossip all the time, including the celebrities, re: who's who. Besides, the knowledge via today's media of many of these people being in recovery is public. I attended AA meetings for years with the second man on the moon, he made his recovery public knowledge, as others have.

BTW, AA's 12th Tradition wasn't written in the same context as I just described re: AA members privacy / anonymity being broken by others. It was written as a suggestion that individual AA members don't break their anonymity publicly at the level of the media (press, radio) or by other means.

SDH73

SR is not hard to find. When I first came across it I was just googling things like "hangover remedies" and random alcohol abuse related symptoms and SR kept popping up. It's not a secret society (as far as I know...).

Your BIL will have no trouble finding SR or another similar forum on his own if he's even remotely interested.

And, IMO, sometimes having to look for things and find out for myself is more helpful than being given the answers.

Carlotta

The thing which struck me is that she is the one who approached you re his recovery.
If he is (even) struggling, he should be the one reaching out for help: it's his recovery, not hers.

sleepie

Trachemys I really truly believe everyone has to have their own place. There are other resources and there's PLENTY of info on the web about PAWS etc and he always has AA, or SMART or tons of other things.

Littlebear

Trachs - I too am in agreement with the majority view here that you would do would do well to keep SR safe and boundaried - for yourself.

I feel though for your dilemma in wanting to help your sister's husband... but sometimes there comes a time when on balance you need to see what it is you need for you (first). Doing that will also mean you are able to help more people here too...so it's a moral and practical win win - don't you think?

If he found SR by himself, and it ever came to light between you that there was recognition...then that's for then, isn't it? But not now. No need to bring it on unnecessarily.

I am quite new to the SR site. But I read and learn a lot about you all even when i am not posting - of course. It seems to me that you are considered here a truley valued member of the community. You must have earned that Trachs. So - i hope you keep this place, and these friends you've made here - for yourself...at least for as long as you need it. LB

Gilmer

^^^^THIS!!!

And that was an excellent point Carlotta made: why is she approaching you about his sobriety?

You can keep SR as your safe place with a perfectly clear conscience.

BTW, I would be absolutely sunk if my family ever read some of my choicer postings here!

Iconoclastic

You're welcome!

What ever I teach / share is what I need to learn, it's called practice. I wasn't born knowing the concept, but the antithesis was leaned behavior. Through self-examination I was able to uncovered, discovered and discard enough of the outside material world to begin some assemblage of balance. I still have a long way to go, the rest of my life.

"Kardashianism" is what I left after 25 years, because like alcohol and tobacco it didn't work for me anymore. The thought of living there is repugnant.

Gottalife

It's a no brainer. I am asked to help a family member who is suffering from a terminal illness. No way am I goingto turn my back. What's mine is theirs. Afterall, I have to live with myself.

Family members in AA doesn't present any problems, they simply work with others on their recovery. The real work of recovery does not happen at meetings, but one on one with a person we have chosen to help us.

trachemys

Because, right now, I'm succeeding and he isn't. She loves him. Whatever she has to do, she'll do. I think that without her, he'll be dead in months. Everyone thinks that.

I don't often open up here. I'm a private person. I love y'all beyond the belief that one can love anonymous strangers. Thank you so much for your help.

saoutchik

Hi Trachemys,

It's natural that you want to do what is best for your sister, even if you are not a big admirer of your BIL. If you had a couple of years of not drinking behind you and you felt really secure then it would be right to appraise them of SR.

As you are like me,still in early recovery then I don't think it would be good for your peace of mind and also, finding out things for yourself gives you a sense of "ownership" which you don't get from going to a place that has been suggested by someone else (and of course his experience of it may not be as positive as yours anyway)

If he (they) were to find it for themselves then good luck to them and I would encourage them like anyone else

In the meantime I reckon you should keep it as your safe place.

I hear where iconoclastic is coming from and it is a great concept though

PS Biminiblue will you be switching on the Christmas lights at Westfield again this year?

biminiblue

saoutchik, I don't understand this reference.



Trach, with this additional information about his likely outcome then I think you should throw out all the naysayers in this thread, me included.

Tell him about this site, or at least let him know there are online resources for support/forums. Maybe give him a list of several. You can stay anonymous to him. I doubt he would even use this site. If he is at the end stage of his addiction, then I think I would want to be doing everything I could.

Honestly, if he's that bad, he's not going to "get it" probably.

hug.

trachemys

Bimini, he is that bad. He was so bad today that they couldn't make it out of the house to come to Mother's Day dinner. 6 miles. He was so bad, I couldn't drop by to give my sister her birthday present. When I was 6 miles away. With an 80 mile drive home.

[vent] He's always been this bad. Drunk/drugged/sober/straight. I'll give him that PAWS has him right now. His history of being a whiny, needy juvenile doesn't help me with my attitude toward him. Right now, my sister says she doesn't want to leave him alone but I fear she doesn't want to face the rest of the family and have to talk about him. Why he doesn't want to be around the only people that have shown him love...I don't know.[/vent]

I will give him that PAWS has him for now. For now. Many have been forgiving of me in my past. But most reached their limits with me. I'm near mine with him.

awuh1

Circle the wagons. Someone needs help. lol

Thanks Iconoclastic for expressing a principled approach to this. I'm amazed to see all the fear expressed from so many within the SR community. I see a distinct difference between those who have solid AA affiliations and those who do not. It makes me appreciate AA all the more. It's nice to have a way to live without all that fear.

.

Gottalife

Couldn't agree more

saoutchik

Sorry for being obscure Bimini - Mariah Carey did it last year