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I feel like ending it all..

Old 05-08-2015, 01:50 AM
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I feel like ending it all..

Ok I have been on this during my bad times but I still had everything including dream house in the countryside an d loving wife, I tried various treatment centers and on my third visit, my wife packed up and moved out.
This caused a serious spiral downwards so i moved counties and stayed homeless for a while, At which time I was plucked from the streets by some warm hearted nuns who brought me to their convent to get help,, which i truly did and stayed there sober for 9 months. They are known as The Missionaries of Charity and they do tremendous work for those suffering from the disease of addiction,
I was moved on to secondary treatment which also benefited me well which I stayed in all for 6 months.. I moved from there ready to face the world, got a sponsor and went through the 12 steps of recovery which also helped me find peace of mind, now tree years on , boredom due to lack of work and resentment due to the state of the economy and the fact that i am not entitled to a council House because the house i originally own which is dilapidated and severely in negative equity is still in my name and has not been repossessed... I am financially struggling because of this ... i have relapsed several times in the last year each down to worry and resentment... suicidal attempts also, slashed my wrists ect .. The psychiatric services will not take me in as im a drunk in there eyes... I'm really at my end here with this, my heart is pounding, my head is racing and i got a bottle of vodka half drank to add to it...Please any words of advice,,, i'm distraught
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Old 05-08-2015, 02:04 AM
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you need emergency treatment. call 999 and tell them you are actively suicidal.
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Old 05-08-2015, 02:15 AM
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Paddy, don't despair just yet. You've been sober before and you can do it again. See if you can find accommodation for long enough to arrange for the bank to take back the house.
Various charities have social workers who may be able to help you get your affairs in order and qualify for a council house. I agree that drinking is the source of your troubles, but it's best tackled when you have secure housing to stop you going into a slump.
Call 116 123 which is the suicide helpline. Other resources for you could be the street doctor, AA, the Salvation Army and the social arm of the Catholic Church.
You will be able to resolve your housing troubles, but please ask for help doing this and if you feel like ending it, seek medical help.
I'm thinking of you and as a sober A I can tell you there is hope for building your life again.
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Old 05-08-2015, 02:21 AM
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Originally Posted by chickippo View Post
you need emergency treatment. call 999 and tell them you are actively suicidal.
Thank you Chickipoo, I done that before christmas, The armed response called first called first to retrieve the knife which I had cut myself with badly.. The wanted to shoot me as I wouldn't drop it.. I told them I wanted them to shoot me too but then they pulled the tazer and really ****** me up.... The ambulance guys shot me up with some calmer stuff and the hospital gave me 2 valium and told me go home as they had no beds for alcoholics here... I spent 3 weeks pacing the floors at home thinking of an easy way out.. no help in this country for addicts i'm afraid...
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Old 05-08-2015, 02:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Paddyjnr View Post
Thank you Chickipoo, I done that before christmas, The armed response called first called first to retrieve the knife which I had cut myself with badly.. The wanted to shoot me as I wouldn't drop it.. I told them I wanted them to shoot me too but then they pulled the tazer and really ****** me up.... The ambulance guys shot me up with some calmer stuff and the hospital gave me 2 valium and told me go home as they had no beds for alcoholics here... I spent 3 weeks pacing the floors at home thinking of an easy way out.. no help in this country for addicts i'm afraid...
sorry chickipoo i quo
ated wrong message
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Old 05-08-2015, 02:31 AM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Paddy, don't despair just yet. You've been sober before and you can do it again. See if you can find accommodation for long enough to arrange for the bank to take back the house.
Various charities have social workers who may be able to help you get your affairs in order and qualify for a council house. I agree that drinking is the source of your troubles, but it's best tackled when you have secure housing to stop you going into a slump.
Call 116 123 which is the suicide helpline. Other resources for you could be the street doctor, AA, the Salvation Army and the social arm of the Catholic Church.
You will be able to resolve your housing troubles, but please ask for help doing this and if you feel like ending it, seek medical help.
I'm thinking of you and as a sober A I can tell you there is hope for building your life again.
Thank you feeling great I already visited the local doc on Tues who precribed 15 x .5 mg xanax 2 x 3 times daily for the first day and 1 x .5mg 3 times for next 3 days.... so not working... The first day worked but after that... bam straight back at it...
oh btw i live in ireland
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Old 05-08-2015, 02:38 AM
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Hi Paddy,

The line for the Samaritans in Ireland is 1850 60 90 90 and they're amazing if you need someone to talk to. If you need emergency help though, you've got to call the hospital and get some help straightaway.

Be patient with yourself and your medication. You have sober time and you can do this.
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Old 05-08-2015, 02:39 AM
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Paddy, if you were to end it all you would never get to see the Irish beat the English in the six nations again

Seriously my friend, I hear you. There have been times in the last 6 years when I felt hopeless SOBER , let alone in my drinking days. Mostly when drunk I would think of ending things but really just wished I wouldn't wake up.

Through all this I have learnt that feeling hopeless is a passing thing...it's a Final solution to a very temporary problem. Oh, and alcohol is a depressant. Never mind the things we do and the way we live, drink-fuelled depression is just a chemical reaction no matter how real it feels. Remove the booze and things feel different.

Contact the samaritans, or perhaps some old AA friends if you have attended before. Or go to A&E...Without a knife.

Good luck and god speed

P
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Old 05-08-2015, 02:51 AM
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Originally Posted by paulokes View Post
Paddy, if you were to end it all you would never get to see the Irish beat the English in the six nations again

Seriously my friend, I hear you. There have been times in the last 6 years when I felt hopeless SOBER , let alone in my drinking days. Mostly when drunk I would think of ending things but really just wished I wouldn't wake up.

Through all this I have learnt that feeling hopeless is a passing thing...it's a Final solution to a very temporary problem. Oh, and alcohol is a depressant. Never mind the things we do and the way we live, drink-fuelled depression is just a chemical reaction no matter how real it feels. Remove the booze and things feel different.

Contact the samaritans, or perhaps some old AA friends if you have attended before. Or go to A&E...Without a knife.

Good luck and god speed

P
thank you paulokes but the craving is powerful this time, I just need to shut my mind off for a bit of peace if you know what i mean..All unwanted fears which i managed to keep in the moment are now battering my mind. My Docs appointment is at 4.30pm Irish time and I am now embarrassed that i will be tipsey seeing him and he might tell me to come back another day... Don't think i can do another day... I know benzoes are more harmful than alcohol but at least i don't want to take on the world after them.... I've already caused havoc with those who love me and the consequences are building up slowly but surely... Just need to get this off my chest... Sorry for bothering u all...
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Old 05-08-2015, 02:57 AM
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you are not bothering anyone.
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Old 05-08-2015, 03:57 AM
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You're not a bother.

We'll talk to you here til the cows come home, but maybe you'll benefit from more more specialised services too?

There are always people to talk to Paddy.

Samaritans in Ireland | Samaritans

Online and telephone help | ReachOut.com

Face to face help | ReachOut.com

do keep your appointment with your Dr. You won;t be the first person with this problem to see them, or the last.

Keep us updated, ok?

D
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Old 05-08-2015, 04:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
You're not a bother.

do keep your appointment with your Dr. You won;t be the first person with this problem to see them, or the last.

Seconded.

P
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Old 05-08-2015, 04:29 AM
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Paddy,yer here so sayin ya want to end it all is a lie. What I think ya want to end is what's going on inside.
So, ya say ya worked the steps and hadda sponsor. So I'm gonna assume yer familiar with the big book. Remember what the big book says about resentments?
Here's what I'm thinking- it wasn't boredom and the state of the economy.
I'm thinkin ya stopped practicing the principles of the program in all your affairs.
How bout getting in touch with your sponsor? How bout getting back into
AA? It seemed to work before, why not go back to what was working pretty good?

Life can throw lemons. I wouldn't have thought that 13 months after getting sober I'd be diagnosed stage 3 melanoma, so through 6 surgeries to carve it up, a clinical trial, two rounds of chemo, craptons of tests, end up with some pretty wicked side effects from it all, and also be put on the disabled list.
But it happened and I have stayed sober though it all.

You can get back there!
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Old 05-08-2015, 04:33 AM
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I just feel like a waste of their time... there are soo many real sick people out there and I'm just a Drunk.... I want them to understand that I really am a good person who wants to get clean and live a normal live... Nobody likes a Drunk (not even me) please pray for me... I know you all understand... God Bless you all
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Old 05-08-2015, 04:42 AM
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I don't believe there's any such thing as a 'just a drunk' Paddy.
I've seen too many people die.

If you're so low you might do yourself harm , I reckon you qualify for help, drunk or not.

D
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Old 05-08-2015, 04:47 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
Paddy,yer here so sayin ya want to end it all is a lie. What I think ya want to end is what's going on inside.
So, ya say ya worked the steps and hadda sponsor. So I'm gonna assume yer familiar with the big book. Remember what the big book says about resentments?
Here's what I'm thinking- it wasn't boredom and the state of the economy.
I'm thinkin ya stopped practicing the principles of the program in all your affairs.
How bout getting in touch with your sponsor? How bout getting back into
AA? It seemed to work before, why not go back to what was working pretty good?

Life can throw lemons. I wouldn't have thought that 13 months after getting sober I'd be diagnosed stage 3 melanoma, so through 6 surgeries to carve it up, a clinical trial, two rounds of chemo, craptons of tests, end up with some pretty wicked side effects from it all, and also be put on the disabled list.
But it happened and I have stayed sober though it all.

You can get back there!
No Tomsteve, I drank because i'm pissed off of being me, I drank because i'm a living lie, I drank because because I can't be the spiritual being I confess to be at meetings, I drank because i feel others lie too to keep their sobriety. I am not holier than thou... I am meeee and I'm sick to **** of holding in resentments and pretending everything is ok... it's not and i'm hurting...i'm praying not stop to a God who is non existent just to make me feel better... it's all one big farce, a cult, I just want to die and I dont care about heaven or hell because I've been to both.....
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Old 05-08-2015, 05:32 AM
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Ok, so god doesn't exist and AA a cult, one which I myself and very greatful to be a member of.
But there's other avenues.
Do you want to get sober?

P.s.
I have never had to act like someone/ something Im not. If I did that and kept everything that was going on inside of me to myself I'd be drunk.
I am me. I reach out when I'm boggled. I get into action.

If your pissedoff at being you, you do have the ability to change who you are. You have the ability to stop living a lie a d start being honest. You have the ability to stop holding in resentments and pretending.
But I don't know how good just ventings going to work for ya. It doesn't work god for me. I have to get into the solution.

I hope ya want to get into a solution. Theres solutions for everything in life.
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Old 05-08-2015, 06:12 AM
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I'd strongly suggest you call the samaritans or another help line that dee shared Paddy. There is a better way, but you need help above and beyond what we can offer here today I am afraid. It's fine to stay here and keep posting but please call some local assistance and let us know that you are OK.
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Old 05-08-2015, 06:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Paddyjnr View Post
No Tomsteve, I drank because i'm pissed off of being me, I drank because i'm a living lie, I drank because because I can't be the spiritual being I confess to be at meetings, I drank because i feel others lie too to keep their sobriety. I am not holier than thou... I am meeee and I'm sick to **** of holding in resentments and pretending everything is ok... it's not and i'm hurting...i'm praying not stop to a God who is non existent just to make me feel better... it's all one big farce, a cult, I just want to die and I dont care about heaven or hell because I've been to both.....
Hi paddy

I really hope you give The Samaritans a call, they have helped me so much.

Have you checked out the Secular section of this forum? I found out about AVRT through the information there are also AA alternatives too.
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Old 05-08-2015, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by JaneLane View Post
Hi paddy

I really hope you give The Samaritans a call, they have helped me so much.

Have you checked out the Secular section of this forum? I found out about AVRT through the information there are also AA alternatives too.
I'm going to visit the doctor first and if all else fails Ill ring the Samaritans, after that I don't know, I'm at the end of my tether... Really I know from experience know body wants to listen to a drunk... They just don't care .. I know this from experience, we are the outcasts of society unfortunately.... even though we are human beings after all...
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