don't know, rambling
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don't know, rambling
really confused. trying to...don't know not that drunk just, i don't know if i've had another breakdown. don't know what's going on.
everything is messed up. i'm so confused.
was staying with my ex...still staying with her, i mean, like i thought things were going really well, like she's not just my ex like she's been my best friend and... i don't understand...i can't think straight to sort out anything i don't understand
like i thought she was trying to support me through this, she moved house six weeks ago and came and got me when i was in bad withdrawal in my old house which is really horrible, she got me and told me to stay with her while i go through this and i was scared and messed up and didn't know what was going on but she was lovely again and caring and said she'd look after me....
and i'm swinging between drinking hard and withdrawing and i didn't want to be on my own and she made me feel like i can trust her.... like the woman below her flat was moving out and i love it in this area like it's beautiful and it makes me feel relaxed, and she suggested i move in there... this probably sounds all like a really bad idea saying it right here but no i mean like everything seemed ok, apart from me drinking and being depressed as **** and incapable of doing anything for myself, and my daughter lives here so it's like, it felt right, but i mean my judgement is ****** so everything else is ****** i guess...
i've disappeared a couple of times like when i went to that hotel and got obliterated, but she hasn't been upset with me like she's just come and picked me up without demanding anything... she said things were different and it felt different and she was putting in a different energy to everything, and i haven't been great i mean i've been drunk and in bed most of the time withdrawaing or on the laptop cause i can't really cope with doing anything or i've had one or two days that i can actually get up and do something with my daughter... like... but what the ****, i don't know, she's ******* with my head again or is it me,
last night i was watching telly and my friend online who is like the only other person except for you guys who knows about my drinking like this, who's been really supportive, asks me if i'm not busy if i can help with giving some advice about creating a game, and i'm like sure thing. then she comes downstairs after two hours separate and immediately gets angry about me putting this programme on that's just this canal boat going down a canal cause i was feeling anxious and it was relaxing, then starts snapping at me passive aggressively about agreeing to talk to my mate about this game because i'd said the both of us could watch a movie together, and i was like, what is this? like i was on edge and she started saying how this could be me withdrawing again, like my mood, and i've felt like she's been demanding of my time recently, like i was with her all day beforehand and i pointed this out, and she said she wanted quality time...
and i said that i feel like she's trying to be in relationship with me again, and i don't want to be anyone's boyfriend, i don't want to be that... then she told me that last monday i'd declared my undying love for her and i'd ****** her, and like, i don't have any memory of it, and man i know i've been blacking out and i dissociate but it was so out of the leftfield like it's the last thing i want
is it me or is she ******* with me again or am i dissociating or is it the drink and now i feel trapped and i didn't know what to say to her and she told me stuff i'd said about conversations that i hadn't told her about which was true so i'd obviously said stuff i didn't know i'd said....
then i had a massive panic attack and a complete breakdown and i hardly remember anything until this morning when i woke up in the spare bedroom. i'm scared to go downstairs and i'm scared to do anything except get drunk, my notice was given in last week on the old place so i've put myself in this ridiculous position, i don't want to hurt anybody, i feel like a complete moron, what am i supposed to do? i can't go back to my old place like the state of it.... it got really messed up the last time i was in a dissociative breakdown... i didn't think i was dissociating but i've only done stuff like this when i've had other personas come out and behave like this, not trying to pass off responsibility like i know it's all aspects of me but i've already spoken about how my mental health team aren't any use, what am i supposed to do, i've called them suicidal before
sorry not supposed to talk about that stuff here i know but how do i do this
how do i do this??? whenever i call anyone they turn me away. i called and called and called my worker and nothing comes of it, when i called the crisis team to tell them i was suicidal last time i ended up in hospital because they said no one could come out to me. my worker didn't get back in touch and last week i got a letter telling me if i don't contact her she's going to discharge me and it's not a matter of crossed communication because i have spoken to the reception and my OT who have both tried to contact her and said she's out or on leave every single time, then when i did speak to her on the phone after a minute talking to her she said she had the wrong number and hung up. i called them yesterday asking for a new worker and they only told me that alison is a great worker and a good communicator and they'll try to get in contact with her but of course she was out again.
i don't know what to do. where to go. sorry i don't know how any of you can help either but i don't know who to talk to.
everything is messed up. i'm so confused.
was staying with my ex...still staying with her, i mean, like i thought things were going really well, like she's not just my ex like she's been my best friend and... i don't understand...i can't think straight to sort out anything i don't understand
like i thought she was trying to support me through this, she moved house six weeks ago and came and got me when i was in bad withdrawal in my old house which is really horrible, she got me and told me to stay with her while i go through this and i was scared and messed up and didn't know what was going on but she was lovely again and caring and said she'd look after me....
and i'm swinging between drinking hard and withdrawing and i didn't want to be on my own and she made me feel like i can trust her.... like the woman below her flat was moving out and i love it in this area like it's beautiful and it makes me feel relaxed, and she suggested i move in there... this probably sounds all like a really bad idea saying it right here but no i mean like everything seemed ok, apart from me drinking and being depressed as **** and incapable of doing anything for myself, and my daughter lives here so it's like, it felt right, but i mean my judgement is ****** so everything else is ****** i guess...
i've disappeared a couple of times like when i went to that hotel and got obliterated, but she hasn't been upset with me like she's just come and picked me up without demanding anything... she said things were different and it felt different and she was putting in a different energy to everything, and i haven't been great i mean i've been drunk and in bed most of the time withdrawaing or on the laptop cause i can't really cope with doing anything or i've had one or two days that i can actually get up and do something with my daughter... like... but what the ****, i don't know, she's ******* with my head again or is it me,
last night i was watching telly and my friend online who is like the only other person except for you guys who knows about my drinking like this, who's been really supportive, asks me if i'm not busy if i can help with giving some advice about creating a game, and i'm like sure thing. then she comes downstairs after two hours separate and immediately gets angry about me putting this programme on that's just this canal boat going down a canal cause i was feeling anxious and it was relaxing, then starts snapping at me passive aggressively about agreeing to talk to my mate about this game because i'd said the both of us could watch a movie together, and i was like, what is this? like i was on edge and she started saying how this could be me withdrawing again, like my mood, and i've felt like she's been demanding of my time recently, like i was with her all day beforehand and i pointed this out, and she said she wanted quality time...
and i said that i feel like she's trying to be in relationship with me again, and i don't want to be anyone's boyfriend, i don't want to be that... then she told me that last monday i'd declared my undying love for her and i'd ****** her, and like, i don't have any memory of it, and man i know i've been blacking out and i dissociate but it was so out of the leftfield like it's the last thing i want
is it me or is she ******* with me again or am i dissociating or is it the drink and now i feel trapped and i didn't know what to say to her and she told me stuff i'd said about conversations that i hadn't told her about which was true so i'd obviously said stuff i didn't know i'd said....
then i had a massive panic attack and a complete breakdown and i hardly remember anything until this morning when i woke up in the spare bedroom. i'm scared to go downstairs and i'm scared to do anything except get drunk, my notice was given in last week on the old place so i've put myself in this ridiculous position, i don't want to hurt anybody, i feel like a complete moron, what am i supposed to do? i can't go back to my old place like the state of it.... it got really messed up the last time i was in a dissociative breakdown... i didn't think i was dissociating but i've only done stuff like this when i've had other personas come out and behave like this, not trying to pass off responsibility like i know it's all aspects of me but i've already spoken about how my mental health team aren't any use, what am i supposed to do, i've called them suicidal before
sorry not supposed to talk about that stuff here i know but how do i do this
how do i do this??? whenever i call anyone they turn me away. i called and called and called my worker and nothing comes of it, when i called the crisis team to tell them i was suicidal last time i ended up in hospital because they said no one could come out to me. my worker didn't get back in touch and last week i got a letter telling me if i don't contact her she's going to discharge me and it's not a matter of crossed communication because i have spoken to the reception and my OT who have both tried to contact her and said she's out or on leave every single time, then when i did speak to her on the phone after a minute talking to her she said she had the wrong number and hung up. i called them yesterday asking for a new worker and they only told me that alison is a great worker and a good communicator and they'll try to get in contact with her but of course she was out again.
i don't know what to do. where to go. sorry i don't know how any of you can help either but i don't know who to talk to.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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slammed a load of vodka in a really short space of time and this is the calmest i've felt in the past few days and it's not like ive not been drinking like i'm on 30+ units a day and i'm still in massive withdrawal wtf i only feel a little bit collected when i hammer this, in a bed, under the duvet, i havent eaten anything for a while, i don't know what to do any more, i', begging for help everywhere trying to stop i don't want to drink i don't even like alcohol ffs
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thinking about taking everything and going, like i need to go into the detox and they want me to go into rehab and i should go into rehab yeah i want to like for six motnhs or more like get away from all of this **** i want to go jut go, like i should go to another city somewhere just get some bedsit somewhere and stay away from everyone, cause this girl keeps destroying my head and i don't understand who's right and who's wrong, i just don't know how to make sense f things with my daughter, can't look after her, can't stay in this mess or i'll end up dead anyway, or catatonic, can't not see her, like my dad was like that, how do i put things together in any way that makes any kind of sense
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I agree with Dee--you need some support now and your ex-girlfriend cannot be expected to continue providing it as it seems to be wearing you both out.
Detox and time to step back will really help a lot--please give yourself that chance.
Detox and time to step back will really help a lot--please give yourself that chance.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Good advice Lycanlaz. You need professional help and you need it sooner rather than later. The alcohol is the problem, not the solution and you need professional help to stop drinking. Detox and rehab is probably the best route, and yes you might need to go to a different city to do it.
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thanks for all the replies and advice. i've had an incredibly intense 24 hours and it isn't over yet. i'm okay and i've been to speak to the detox team today and they're chasing up the paperwork and will let me know how far along things are.
yesterday morning after i posted this my ex entered the room drunk. i've talked in previous posts about her alcoholism and that she came out of a stay in long term rehab a few years ago and was sober until a few months ago when she relapsed during a coke session that facilitated my drinking. after that she claimed she was determined to stop and that she had sorted herself out because in our circumstances my daughter was under her care, due to to the nature of my mental health problems and the social services requiring a foster carer for my daughter as i can't guarantee capability of care. my daughter was at school at the time when my ex came in obviously drunk. i asked her if she'd been drinking and she scoffed at me and walked out, during which time i was trying to work out what to do. when she came back in she was incoherent and we ended up in a bad argument that escalated to the point of horrible verbal abuse from her... i don't use verbal abuse in arguments, it's just not something i do, i get wound up and end up freaking out but i don't get spiteful. she said a lot of hurtful things and i slapped her, not making any excuses for it, it wasn't right, but that's what happened. she disintegrated and started tearing up my shirt and trying to smash my computer and bit my clothes, until i managed to push her out the room and shoved the cupboard in front of the door so she couldn't get in the room.
i was stuck in the room for a couple of hours cause the level of incoherence and anger from her was scaring me, like i thought she was going to try to kill me, she was hammering on the door and at one point it sounded like she got something from the kitchen and she was trying to level the door open. i waited until it had gone quiet long enough that i thought she might have passed out, then left the room; she was passed out on her bed, and at that point i thought i was just going to get out and not come back, like i'd packed all my stuff up in that room, but i was standing there like, my head just went into autopilot and it's been in autopilot since, i haven't felt anything since then, i've been functioning in this dissociated state and putting things together for what needs to be done.
i managed to find her phone and called her mum who came up within the hour with her aunt. my ex came downstairs at one point..... sorry this is a really long post, i'm trying to work through all the events from yesterday and figure out what's happened because it's such a mess... and she was still incoherent, like making no sense, but apparently she goes this way when she's been drinking, her aunt was saying the smallest amount of drink and she starts talking nonsense, like it's difficult to describe, it's like she's completely lost her mind and the way she talks is word salad... i helped her back upstairs, so when her mum and aunt arrived, she was still in the bed.
when she came down she was somewhat more cogent and demanding to drink, she said that she was going to just drink for the day and then she'd be done forever, yeah, no one really believed her but she can be amazingly persuasive. so she was leathered all last night, loads of shouting all round the room, me and her, her and her mum, i had a panic attack at one point, ended up self harming, don't actually remember doing it but i was found in the kitchen with my arm in shreds...
and then this morning she came in to the bedroom demanding my drink, i ignored her because i was half asleep and i really couldn't be arsed with it. she was still drunk and then she just disappeared after my daughter had gone to school. me and her mum and aunt spent the morning discussing the options of where the best place for my daughter would be, figured the social services would want to put her with my mother, which really isn't ideal, but better than a stranger... we hadn't seen my ex for about four hours at this point. i needed to go into town for a couple of things, so i left the house, went to the corner shop, as i was coming out there was an ambulance over the road, and i had this gut feeling it was her, but the person in the stretcher looked like an old woman, didn't look like her, so i thought no it can't be and went into the shop... when i was in there, her aunt and mum came in, had a word with the cashier, then sprinted out, i realised it must be her.... and they'd done the same as me like, they'd thought it was her and then dismissed it cause she'd been away for so long and... just yeah... anyway
turns out she was absolutely out of her mind, she'd fallen and hit her head. they took her to hospital, they've put her on a ward, she's completely messed her eye up and they don't know if she's concussed because they can't get any sense out of her, they've taken her decisions over from her because they ruled she's incapable of making them herself. i've spent the day speaking to social services and figuring out where's best for my daughter to go; they're alright with my ex's mum taking her to liverpool for now until we can figure out what's going on.
obviously i was spending time with her under the mistaken idea that she was in the same frame of mind as i am about our relationship and that she's been holding onto a false hope that we're going to resolve our problems and return to being a couple. it was ignorant of me but it wasn't my intention to give her the wrong impression and i haven't meant to hurt her. so this is it for me and her now, i know i can't have any kind of relationship with her because we're both going to end up hurt. i'm homeless and soon i'll have limited contact with my daughter and i've lost all my friends - she's been telling someone who meant a lot to me a very one-sided, manipulated story about what's been going on recently and he's responded in kind and called me a bully and he should have known me better, i'm alone and everything has fallen away from me, but right now i feel really calm. i don't know if i'm going to disintegrate after everything has moved on from this but i feel really peaceful right now. i might still be functioning on dissociated autopilot.
sorry for such a long post, thanks to anyone who read all of this.
yesterday morning after i posted this my ex entered the room drunk. i've talked in previous posts about her alcoholism and that she came out of a stay in long term rehab a few years ago and was sober until a few months ago when she relapsed during a coke session that facilitated my drinking. after that she claimed she was determined to stop and that she had sorted herself out because in our circumstances my daughter was under her care, due to to the nature of my mental health problems and the social services requiring a foster carer for my daughter as i can't guarantee capability of care. my daughter was at school at the time when my ex came in obviously drunk. i asked her if she'd been drinking and she scoffed at me and walked out, during which time i was trying to work out what to do. when she came back in she was incoherent and we ended up in a bad argument that escalated to the point of horrible verbal abuse from her... i don't use verbal abuse in arguments, it's just not something i do, i get wound up and end up freaking out but i don't get spiteful. she said a lot of hurtful things and i slapped her, not making any excuses for it, it wasn't right, but that's what happened. she disintegrated and started tearing up my shirt and trying to smash my computer and bit my clothes, until i managed to push her out the room and shoved the cupboard in front of the door so she couldn't get in the room.
i was stuck in the room for a couple of hours cause the level of incoherence and anger from her was scaring me, like i thought she was going to try to kill me, she was hammering on the door and at one point it sounded like she got something from the kitchen and she was trying to level the door open. i waited until it had gone quiet long enough that i thought she might have passed out, then left the room; she was passed out on her bed, and at that point i thought i was just going to get out and not come back, like i'd packed all my stuff up in that room, but i was standing there like, my head just went into autopilot and it's been in autopilot since, i haven't felt anything since then, i've been functioning in this dissociated state and putting things together for what needs to be done.
i managed to find her phone and called her mum who came up within the hour with her aunt. my ex came downstairs at one point..... sorry this is a really long post, i'm trying to work through all the events from yesterday and figure out what's happened because it's such a mess... and she was still incoherent, like making no sense, but apparently she goes this way when she's been drinking, her aunt was saying the smallest amount of drink and she starts talking nonsense, like it's difficult to describe, it's like she's completely lost her mind and the way she talks is word salad... i helped her back upstairs, so when her mum and aunt arrived, she was still in the bed.
when she came down she was somewhat more cogent and demanding to drink, she said that she was going to just drink for the day and then she'd be done forever, yeah, no one really believed her but she can be amazingly persuasive. so she was leathered all last night, loads of shouting all round the room, me and her, her and her mum, i had a panic attack at one point, ended up self harming, don't actually remember doing it but i was found in the kitchen with my arm in shreds...
and then this morning she came in to the bedroom demanding my drink, i ignored her because i was half asleep and i really couldn't be arsed with it. she was still drunk and then she just disappeared after my daughter had gone to school. me and her mum and aunt spent the morning discussing the options of where the best place for my daughter would be, figured the social services would want to put her with my mother, which really isn't ideal, but better than a stranger... we hadn't seen my ex for about four hours at this point. i needed to go into town for a couple of things, so i left the house, went to the corner shop, as i was coming out there was an ambulance over the road, and i had this gut feeling it was her, but the person in the stretcher looked like an old woman, didn't look like her, so i thought no it can't be and went into the shop... when i was in there, her aunt and mum came in, had a word with the cashier, then sprinted out, i realised it must be her.... and they'd done the same as me like, they'd thought it was her and then dismissed it cause she'd been away for so long and... just yeah... anyway
turns out she was absolutely out of her mind, she'd fallen and hit her head. they took her to hospital, they've put her on a ward, she's completely messed her eye up and they don't know if she's concussed because they can't get any sense out of her, they've taken her decisions over from her because they ruled she's incapable of making them herself. i've spent the day speaking to social services and figuring out where's best for my daughter to go; they're alright with my ex's mum taking her to liverpool for now until we can figure out what's going on.
obviously i was spending time with her under the mistaken idea that she was in the same frame of mind as i am about our relationship and that she's been holding onto a false hope that we're going to resolve our problems and return to being a couple. it was ignorant of me but it wasn't my intention to give her the wrong impression and i haven't meant to hurt her. so this is it for me and her now, i know i can't have any kind of relationship with her because we're both going to end up hurt. i'm homeless and soon i'll have limited contact with my daughter and i've lost all my friends - she's been telling someone who meant a lot to me a very one-sided, manipulated story about what's been going on recently and he's responded in kind and called me a bully and he should have known me better, i'm alone and everything has fallen away from me, but right now i feel really calm. i don't know if i'm going to disintegrate after everything has moved on from this but i feel really peaceful right now. i might still be functioning on dissociated autopilot.
sorry for such a long post, thanks to anyone who read all of this.
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Glad to hear you are getting set to get into detox. If possible i'd focus entirely on that at this point. Sounds like your daughter being with her grandmother is for the best too - without being disrespecful, it sounds like neither of you are capable of caring for her at this time anyway.
Alcohol is the source of all of your problems and I truly hope you can get into detox and rehab as soon as possible. None of the other issues you have can be fixed until you stop drinking, so please make it your number one priority.
Alcohol is the source of all of your problems and I truly hope you can get into detox and rehab as soon as possible. None of the other issues you have can be fixed until you stop drinking, so please make it your number one priority.
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completely agree with you scott, i don't think the little one should be with either of us, i want her to be in a stable environment and the way both of us are, it's not okay for her to be around this stuff and i hate that she's had to experience any of it. but from here things will be different for everyone. this is such a messed up situation.
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Please put the focus on you and getting well for yourself so you can be there for your daughter.
It also sounds, quite honestly, as if you and you GF are toxic for each other at this time
so perhaps you should consider going No Contact, at least for a good while?
I'm glad you have family help and are getting into detox.
This can be a new beginning for you--I certainly hope it is.
Keep posting when you can and know we are here for you.
It also sounds, quite honestly, as if you and you GF are toxic for each other at this time
so perhaps you should consider going No Contact, at least for a good while?
I'm glad you have family help and are getting into detox.
This can be a new beginning for you--I certainly hope it is.
Keep posting when you can and know we are here for you.
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you're right hawk, i want my daughter with me but i know that there's no way she can be while i'm in this state, all i want is to heal from this and get to the next step, i know things are a mess right now but i don't feel hopeless, it's all about moving forwards and i know i can be in the worst place possible and still get back up, feels like i've lived ten lifetimes in a few months, like i don't feel worried about anything, i mean this could be a horror movie but i know that this is gonna build me up to be untouchable. getting sober will be difficult, like i know this all might feel different when the alcohol is out of me but i know i can do it.
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okay, so i wasn't handling any of it at all i guess, i must have been in shock or something. my ex turned up at the front door after ten hours in the hospital, she'd just walked out and wanted to come back and drink. we were watching the election and it was okay for a period and they were trying to figure out how to look after her for this weekend, i offered to look after the dogs and she started calling me unreliable and saying i wont look after them. after that things got blurry. i kept dissociating, went upstairs on my own and then don't remember leaving the house but i was found on the floor outside screaming, at some point i had another meltdown and smashed a mirror and cut my arm badly after which the ambulance was called by her mum and i was dissociated so i only remember being in the vehicle screaming nonsense about how the world is ******. i think i made the paramedic uncomfortable because he stopped making eye contact.
was throwing up blood in the hospital and they had to put me on a drip and sedate me, they gave me a massive dose of librium and i ended up on a ward, but then earlier today they said my blood tests were clear so i had to go home, still refused to detox me there, said there's no medical need for me to stay in the hospital. my hand is so swollen i can't make a fist but the x ray didn't show a break. saw crisis team there again, told them i'm suicidal, they said they'd get my case worker to get in touch at home. i couldn't actually walk out of the hospital they had to wheel me in a chair out to the taxi. begged them crying to let me stay and they said i have to wait for the detox house and got told it will probably be on the 24th i get to go in. don't understand any of it. my case worker hasn't showed up again or spoken to me.
why will no one help me right now. my daughter is going to have to go live somewhere else. i'm homeless. i can't go a day without other personas in my head coming out and consequently causing huge problems. i don't understand.
was throwing up blood in the hospital and they had to put me on a drip and sedate me, they gave me a massive dose of librium and i ended up on a ward, but then earlier today they said my blood tests were clear so i had to go home, still refused to detox me there, said there's no medical need for me to stay in the hospital. my hand is so swollen i can't make a fist but the x ray didn't show a break. saw crisis team there again, told them i'm suicidal, they said they'd get my case worker to get in touch at home. i couldn't actually walk out of the hospital they had to wheel me in a chair out to the taxi. begged them crying to let me stay and they said i have to wait for the detox house and got told it will probably be on the 24th i get to go in. don't understand any of it. my case worker hasn't showed up again or spoken to me.
why will no one help me right now. my daughter is going to have to go live somewhere else. i'm homeless. i can't go a day without other personas in my head coming out and consequently causing huge problems. i don't understand.
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Has your GP actually referred you for a medical detox? It takes 2 months in the UK, sometimes less. You'll be there for two weeks not six months. And when you come out sober, it's entirely up to you what you do.
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drinking just enough to stop going into bad withdrawal. could try calling someone but they're just to talk to right? don't know what difference it'd make.
yeah i've been referred to a short term detox unit called harvey house. the rehab i'd be going to for six months is littledale hall.
yeah i've been referred to a short term detox unit called harvey house. the rehab i'd be going to for six months is littledale hall.
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