iminhere27

So, I quit for a whole 250 days. I was sober, relearning everything..how to be a person again. I felt great..drinking was not something I wanted. Then it happened, my anxiety reared its ugly head despite having been prescribed medicine for it. One thing lead to another and I drank. I played out the whole..oh you will only buy a 6 pack to relax. Yeah right two days later I am still a mess. Does this ever end? Am I always going to run to the bottle when life sucks? I cannot believe I chose this path again after everything I've been through. I tried different things..went to AA, detox, forced myself into rehab...I just don't know anymore. In a way I guess I'm hoping by sharing I can maybe find some sort of relief. Thanks for listening.

JeffreyAK

They don't call it addiction for nothing. Can you think of things you might have done different a couple days ago, instead of turning to alcohol? Lots of options come to mind, but the important thing is to think it through so if this happens again later, after you've quit again, you have a plan and are less likely to relapse again the same way. Not many people achieve long-term sobriety without relapsing a bunch of times, and if we learn from the experiences we're stronger the next time around.

fini

welcome, iminhere
don't know if you'll always run to the bottle.....is there something really there for you?
for me, yes, it ended.
yes, it can end for you, too.
and sharing and getting connected with others was a major help in that.
good to see you reaching out.

iminhere27

Thank you for your responses. I'm just feeling terribly ashamed as that goes with the territory. I think talking with people who have been through the same thing will help. I've reached out to many friends who try to be supportive but just haven't been there. Even the simplicity of stating that long term sobriety is not necessary achieved without the occasional blip has made a world of difference. I definitely need to reexamine my approach and seek out better ways. Thank you.

fini

I played out the whole..oh you will only buy a 6 pack to relax.
lots of people find it helpful to play out a very different tape: the one that says something like: no, i NEVER have just a couple to relax, it invariably ends up out of control eventually and..."
lots of different ways people are doing this here.
check out the secular sections farther down, too.

iminhere27

I guess to me and maybe others it's very hard to admit that I am in fact beyond control. It's terrifying that once booze hits my system..I am done for. It is still in my mind that I can achieve control somehow. The fact that a substance has the complete say in what happens is very troubling. I know plenty of people who don't touch alcohol and have no desire to..I need to be one of these people.

zjw

250 days is pretty awesome in and of itself. Just dust yourself off and get back up on the wagon no big deal.

But yeah you have to know your enemy and you cant lower your guard. I've been fortunate to not relapse myself I'm too terrified too. But thats not to say I have not given it consideration now and then But I know through stories like yours and just from knowing myself It would not end well.

I read somewhere someone said they might have another relapse in them but they dunno if they got another recovery in them. Those really stuck to me because In my case like you stated with how hard it was to become a person again I dunno if i could do it all over again and I dunno if i wanna find out either.

I wouldnt beat yourself up over it too much 250 days is a big deal just because you fell down doesnt mean you gotta start all over again at the begining you've gained a lot of knowledge so far.

I sat at the AA meeting the other night myself and I looked at some younger folks walking in and I thought thats so great they are here at there age and not much older after they've done too much damage to there lives. But then I thought how many of them will be in and out of these walls over the years? how many will relapse time and time and time again? how many will get it the first time? I thought no matter what one thing is for sure today they are here and the knowledge they will gain by being there will no doubt help them along there way. I never went to AA till later Had I gone sooner maybe I woulda learned something? (notice i didnt say sober up long term or something) but I mighta gained something.

The point is so what. You relapsed your hear now seeking advice you've traveled down this road 250 days so far I'm sure you've learned a considerable amount and gained a lot of knowledge on how to fight this battle. I'm sure your way better off now then you where prior to those 250 days?

buk1000

iminhere27,
I relapsed a few times on my way to sobriety. The first time or two I felt ashamed and kind of hopeless. Eventually, I learned to see it a little differently. I knew a lot of people that relapsed and went back out for years, sometimes permanently. You actually seem to have a really healthy outlook about this. If you're able to string together another period of sobriety right away, that's real progress and it's a real victory.

It's okay to feel ashamed for a day or two, but once you string a few days sober back together I don't think you need to think of it as starting over or failure. Maybe you'll be able to view it as an impressive feat. Because it is.

iminhere27

Thank you both for your replies. I guess I need to be a little less harsh on myself. I do not condone relapsing in any sense...if you can avoid it..please do. I've also learned that it's maybe not the end of the world..even though it feels that way. I've gotten over these feelings before and can do it again...the relapsing is the easy part...recovery is hard but worth it...I need to remember that.

freshstart57

You said you were doing fine with your sobriety until you became anxious, and then you drank to relieve your anxiety.

This does not work. Drinking alcohol increases anxiety, is my experience. If anxiety is your issue, then find a way to deal with it. Throwing alcohol at it confuses things so that you think your problem is something it isn't.

Drinking is not part of sobriety, so I don't agree that relapses are normal and to be expected. And I also don't believe in sugar coating what happened. A full appreciation of behavior and its consequences is a useful part of change.

Look into mindfulness to help you with your anxiety. I found it very helpful. It is a tool, and it is always with you, always ready to be brought to bear.

Decide that you deserve a life without this anxiety, and you will give it to yourself. You do deserve it, don`t you?

iminhere27

Up until a couple of days ago I would have agreed that relapses are not normal or to be expected. I seem to however have found myself in such a situation. If sugar coating has come across its only because im trying to not become totally unglued. I do feel awful and the situation is pretty bad. I do plan on seeking help for my situation and hopefully putting an end to this. Thank you for your reply.

JeffreyAK

Relapse can and does kill people, but you're here and it sounds like you're back on track! The worst thing anyone can do is beat themselves up for failing, f'it, I'm a failure, might as well just keep drinking. That's really dangerous. In my experience and from all I've seen, the way forward is to analyze and learn from it so it's less likely to happen again next time.

buk1000

I didn't feel like you sugarcoated it. And I also wouldn't tell someone who is newly sober that relapse is a part of recovery. That wasn't what I was trying to convey. I have seen situations where people allow the shame of a relapse to cause them to create a permanent belief that they can't be sober. I only meant to point out that thinking that way is a choice and a trap.

I still think you have a lot of awareness of your situation and in time you will understand what tripped you up.

I second freshstart's suggestion to look into mindfulness if you need another tool to deal with anxiety. It's just an additional option to help keep you focused in the present. It may or may not be for you.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

iminhere27

No, and by any means I hope no one thinks from this that relapse is a part of recovery. It is not. I've met people with 12 to 36 years sobriety no relapses whatsoever..so it can be accomplished. Thanks again I will look into mindfulness for sure.

Soberwolf

Hello & Welcome Imhere

MIRecovery

As others have said no sober time is wasted.

I tried AA numerous times over 20 years. I thought i could go to a meeting once a week and I would stay sober. I kept drinking so I felt AA didn't work.

When I finally was successful was when I DID AA. Doing AA required me getting a sponsor and working the steps. Doing AA required me going to a lot of meetings, building friendships/sobriety network, reading literature and performing service work. When I became part of AA instead of being an outsider looking in it was only then the miracle happened

Dee74

Hi Iminhere

If anxiety triggered you then maybe thats a good place to start?

why not go speak to your Dr about the meds you're on, why you felt they didn't work, and what other alternatives you have?

D

iminhere27

Thanks...yes I have made plans for my loved one to take me to the doctor Monday morning. They are also spending the day with me tomorrow. So here we go again..I look forward to the hope that I can have another 250 days plus of sobriety. To anyone reading this with contemplations in your mind don't do it. Remain vigilant and don't let your guard down...you will end up where you left off.

ScottFromWI

Best of luck at the doc. I have anxiety in sobriety too. I was as stubborn about that as I was with my drinking but finally accepted that I need help with that too. You seem to have a good handle on the situation, you will get through this. Someone is always here too if you need some extra support, hope you rest well tonight.