iminhere27

Admitting I actually need help from others was a big struggle. I eventually got to the point that confessing was my only way out. I drank abusively for three years in secret..there was mistakes here and there but no one ever got in my face about it. One day I called in to work once again and that was it..I told everyone that I had an alcohol problem. The support I received was a blessing. I'm devastated over this whole mistake and am trying to pick up the pieces. I hope the approach I take this time is the right one. To MIRecovery..you have inspired me to give aa another shot. Thank you.

Iconoclastic

Normal is a setting on a washing machine ;-)

The first time I stopped drinking for about 10 months, I had the same attitude as countless others, I was high and mighty about being what I called being sober, but I wasn’t sober, I was just abstinent. I would say similar to what I’ve been reading with some of these posts on this thread, i.e. ‘relapse does this and relapse does that. Then I’d give advice on sobriety and on and on and on.’

Then I relapsed, not once but numerous times. They use to make bets on me in the AA fellowship that I’d relapse. Well, I kept relapsing until I reached my bottom and surrendered.

My relapses were a part of my recovery process, which was unique to me as I believe it is for every individual.

Of the so-called first 100+ AA’s that claimed to be recovered (sober), some relapsed.

Time for a reality check, actually relapse is very common, more alcoholics relapse than not! There are those that lie about their sobriety in AA and on these boards.

Few people realize that sobriety is an action of insights and skills far beyond mere abstinence. Sobriety is a creative discipline in the art of freedom of growth and of love. To be yourself, is to become yourself…David Stewart, MD from his book, “thirst for freedom”

iminhere27

Thanks for the laugh...normal is definitely a setting on the washing machine. I actually had someone tell me amidst my last relapse that oh we all know that's a part of recovery...well how come no one told me that. I think I may have had an arrogance about being sober. Sure I was abstinent but was I really working on myself. In any case I think the worry is that some people will use the relapse is a part of recovery as an excuse to drink. My mom had that same thought...she died 2 months later. It's a dangerous thought and no excuse to keep drinking.

Iconoclastic

Drunks will find all sorts of excuses under the sun to drink.

I was in the saloon / bar business, some of my customers went on the wagon, drunks go on the wagon all the time, including myself in those days. Then I began attending AA meetings, I wanted to fit in, so I played the who’s who of sobriety game, it's also played on forums / boards like this.

Now instead of saying in AA I'm on the wagon, I'm saying I'm sober X amount of months. Now I'm playing the who’s who of how much sobriety time do you have game. I relapse and then I stop drinking, now I'm back to day one, but the guy or gal that had less time than me before I relapsed has more time than me now. This is the pecking order game at its best or worst depending how one looks at it, but it's immature and it’s not sobriety.

murrill

Counting time was important to me in the early days: I'm goal oriented, and there were times I resisted the urge to drink because I wanted to reach the next milestone. I didn't want to "cash in my chips," so to speak. I came to view my sober time as an investment, and I didn't want my stocks to crash. These mixed metaphors aside, I do not take my sober time lightly: I cannot recall how many years it has been since I considered taking a drink, but I remain grateful to be free of the grip it once had on me.

Let me preface: I am as guilty as some others of using my # to keep score, to lord it over someone. I'm human, less than perfect, and sometimes just abstinent rather than sober. I think the risk of putting an emphasis on sober time is at least two-fold: It can lull us into a false sense of sobriety so that we become overly confident. We may forget ourselves, think we have a handle on it, and decided that we are entitled to a drink. Or perhaps we are so busy counting days that we do not see the value of them, that we consider ourselves failure because we drank & did not reach some nebulous goal.

I think it is important that newcomers can see that long-term, healthy sobriety is possible, but the number of years, in and of itself, is not a resume.

Iconoclastic

Excellent and not just because it's my sentiment, and this is why.

In the AA fellowship, the bulk of the energy tends to be placed on abstinence, rather than sobriety, this is very short sighted. As one of many examples, I knew nothing about i.e. the intended wording of AA's First Step. I took AA's first step before I attended my first AA meeting. I also took Steps 4, 5, and 9 while I was still drinking. Steps 6 and 7 for me are one Step and I don't believe the so-called defects can be removed per se, these are altered. Step 8 is actually taken in Step 4.

Some will claim that one cannot take the steps while drinking, well in citing my case, this obviously isn't true. This attitude can spill over into the fellowship that suggests in the 3rd Tradition (paraphrase) that the ONLY requirement for AA membership is that you say your a member and / or you don't want to drink. It also says (paraphrase) you don't have to conform to the fellowship due to the AA text and fellowship having no dogma. The entire AA program is SUGGESTED. Therefore, there's more than one way to take the 12 Steps. Besides, AA doesn't have the market cornered on recovery.

There's too much emphasis on the symptom drinking alcoholically and / or not drinking and not enough emphasis on the problem, which are the causes and conditions why one became alcoholic.

murrill

I've never thought about it before, but I guess I worked Step 1 before I ever went to a meeting. I just did not know it yet: Alcohol had me whipped, and my life was out of control. I began practicing 10, 11, and 12 with some fervor while still in treatment, and I suspect that Step 11 was my gateway to Steps 2 and 3.

I agree that the steps do not necessarily have to be worked in order. Opportunities arose to apply the steps, so I tried to turn those into growth opportunities whether it was i numerical sequence or not. I have said before that I was not a good sponsee, but I was in the midst of strong, involved 12-step members, and we shared many hours at the local diners after meetings. Our conversations naturally converted life issues into 12-step solutions.

One old timer said she believed we actually work a step per year. She didn't mean to put anything on hold or to wait until we were 12 years sober to help others. I do, however, understand that my spiritual growth seems to correspond to the year's step number. I hope that isn't an over-simplification, but it has seemed to be my progression of things.

Grungehead

The fellowship isn't the program, they are 2 separate (but important) things. I'm not sure where you have attended meetings, but I have found some meetings like you describe and some meetings where the primary purpose is on the program...the 12 steps. The fellowship is great for support, but imo it will not, and did not keep me sober. I tried just fellowshipping and staying abstinent but eventually I drank every time (even after years of not drinking).

So if you are attending a meeting that focuses on abstinence (fellowship) versus sobriety (program) my suggestion is to find some meetings that are solution oriented. Like I said fellowship is very important and helped me get sober, but it didn't keep me sober. Today I go to 1-2 open discussion meetings a week (more like the type you describe) and 2-3 literature meetings a week that focus on the steps.

Grungehead

iminhere27,

I'm glad you didn't stay out too long before coming back. I believe that relapses are a part of addiction, not recovery, but a lot can be learned from surviving one. I say "surviving" because there is no guarantee that one will get a 2nd chance. I got sober in 1990 for over 6 years and went back out for a year. After another 7 years sober I went back out again...this time for 8 years. When I came back this time I was definitely balancing on that invisible edge where if you go over you don't come back.

It's good to look at this new opportunity at sobriety in a positive frame of mind and there is no need to beat yourself up at this point. But the saying about having another drunk in me but maybe not another recovery is good to keep in the back of your mind. I found it much more difficult to come back after my last relapse and almost gave up.

murrill

You are correct that the fellowship is not the program, and think this is the point Iconoclast was making. I would never have remained sober by simply hangin around meetings and members. It has been working the steps that has made the difference. As much as I value AA, I also needed to re-enter society at some point. Had my sobriety hinged on simply going to meetings I could never have done that. The steps are the foundation for me, and the fellowship--in its various manifestations--keep it fresh.

iminhere27

I was a little hopeful that this time it didn't last that long but I can agree it was really hard to come back and im still feeling a lot of the effects as they like to linger for a bit dont they? I try to keep in mind that i never have to feel like this again and another thought to remember as you said is about having another drunk in me but maybe not another recovery. Im lucky to have been given the chance to come out and fix myself. Part of why i forced myself to stop is the real fear that I could pass out and not wake up again or the whole world of things that can go wrong.