amandamarie

Well, it was an eventful day. It was my daughter's 7th birthday, so I finally got to give her the presents that I bought her. She loved riding her bike. She kept screaming I am so excited. I love to see her happy. Then my family came over, and I cooked dinner, and we ate cake of course. But one thing is really weighing on my mind now. My father, who has had congestive heart for 8 years now, looked absolutely awful. He looked just like he did before the other 2 times he ended up in the hospital needing heart surgery. It is like I am watching him slowly slip away. The last time the doctors told him if he had waited any longer he would have died. My mother tried to get him to go to the hospital, but being as stubborn as he tends to be, he refused. I know he needs to go, but badgering him about it will just upset him which may make his heart worse. I feel stuck. I remember the first time this happened going to see him in the hospital, and him flat lining while I was holding his hand . I was shoved out of the room, and he was shocked back to life. What if this time he doesn't make it? I am grown, but at 26 I am not ready to lose my father. Then as he was leaving I went to put the ice cream in the car and when I opened the trunk to find the cooler I saw that it was filled with beer. It is killing him, but he won't stop. I wish he knew how much it hurts me, and how much I love him. But we do not talk about things like that in my family. I do tell him I love him every time before we hang up the phone, and I never do not answer his calls, I go help him as much as I can, so I know that he knows. But I really question if I could just find a way to tell him how much this hurts me if he might stop. I honestly think it would mean more coming from my sister, being he has always favored her, and I do not know the last time she told him she loved him. But she doesn't care AT ALL. She has him watch her kid, takes his money, wrecks his vehicles, and then treats him like ****. Maybe if I could get her to tell him she cares and wants him to quit he would. It is a long shot, but options and time are running out. I really do not know why this has hit me harder than anyone. He beat me growing up really bad. Not just spanked, I mean broke my nose, drug me by my hair, kicked, punched...you name it he did it. I always felt like he cared less about me than my brother and sister. I remember my mother telling me I could be her favorite since my dad did not really like me. He did not even try to hide it. He used to tell me my mom was a ****, and she got pregnant while he was out of town working so I was not his. I wonder a lot if that is why he was always so awful to me. I think the worst thing he ever did, well said but it hurt more than the beatings, was when I was 14 and he was out of town I was raped. My mother called to tell him that I went to his friends house, who was 35, to ask for a cigarette, I passed out drunk, and he raped me. She said he wanted to talk to me. I was expecting comfort and sympathy, I mean he let me drink so I did not think he would be that mad over it. But all he said was, "God damnit, why do you always cause me problems." It broke my heart. I felt like no one cared. He was mean to me about having to testify at the trial even. I felt like such a burden. But yet after all of that I love him. I worry he will die, and I will have no closure. No answers as to why. I mean what was so different about me? Why did he hate me. Why does he still treat me different? Am I not his? I feel like I can not upset him now with his heart the way it is so I do not push the subject though. I did get drunk, and tell him he was a bad father to me about a year ago, and he had the nerve to tell me every beating I got I deserved. ********. I have a child no kid deserves what I got. I damn sure did not deserve to be blamed for being raped, because it was such an inconvenience on him. I still want him around though. I do not know life without my father, and I do not want to. Their is nothing I can do now though. I guess maybe it is time to realize I may have to lose him, and all hope at getting answers. At least I did learn something from him. I will not kill myself with alcohol, and I will not make my daughter feel like I do right now.

ScottFromWI

Really sorry to hear that about your father amandamarie. Unfortunately there's really nothing you or your sister can do, he will need to make the decision to quit for himself. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. There is a separate forum here for the friends and families if addicts, you may want to check it out as many of the folks there face the same issues you are dealing with.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Dee74

I'm really sorry AM I can only imagine how painful it is to watch but, like Scott says, I believe firmly that noone can make someone else quit - I'm sure you know that from your own past.

It's never too late tho. I believe in Hope
Prayers for your dad and for you...

D

amandamarie

I do know that. I see him slipping further away, and I want to help him so bad. I can barely help myself though. The thought of losing him just seems so unbearable to me. I don't know why I will miss him, but I will.

FLCamper

How brave of you to testify at a trial at just 14. And it doesn't sound like you had much back up.
Its also commendable for you to look at your childhood and work to make your daughter's life better.
I have no advice for your Dad.
My prayers are with you.