novascotiapaddy

Hi there. I've been on and off these forums a while but still struggling. I can get a few days sober, sometimes as much as 5 or 6 days but I can never seem to get past that. I wouldn't wish the disease or mental obsession of addiction on anyone. I really wouldn't. Totally rewires your brain and turns you into it's b*tch.

Anyway ive been on and off AA meetings too. The whole God crap and the saying of the Lords Prayer at the end put me off. I am open to the existence of a higher power but I just don't want to call it God. Anyway went to a meeting tonight in an area I haven't been to before. The one thing I noticed is that again I was the youngest there (I'm 40!) There were a few guys there and one was celebrating 3 years sobriety and the guys got him a cake and card to celebrate.

What I noticed though is the guys there who had long term sobriety looked totally f**ked. You could just tell by the way they looked that they took their drinking careers right to the edge of the grave and somehow managed to claw their life back. They looked absolutely battered from the booze even though some had years of sobriety. One guy next to me who was very friendly and nice also seemed to have a bit of wet brain too due to years of boozing. This kind of scared me as although I know I have an addiction to drink im not taking it seriously enough to fight it as hard as I am capable of and I am afraid I will have to go through the kind of suffering that these guys did before they found the strength to get off the alcohol and by then it could be too late as I may be in the grave rather than on the edge of it by then.

Anyway sorry if im ranting a bit but the alcohol has a bad hold on me. I'm starting again and have gotten through today without drink and will work on tomorrow when it comes. Im going to take the AA thing a bit more seriously too and try and get a home group and sponser and work the steps. Thanks for hearing my rant

greens

Yea, they use the term "bottom " a lot in aa, one thing I liked hearing was " we hit our bottoms when we stop digging".
Hope your "rant" got things off your chest so you feel a Lil better. That usually works for me.

Dee74

The good news is Paddy you can stop digging anytime you like

Try thinking of your bottom not as an event but as a decision to quit - it's the moment you decide 'no more'

I hope you try and keep an open mind.

You never know - however effed they might seem, some of those guys there tonight might just help you save your life...y'know?



D

IOAA2

"Anyway ive been on and off AA meetings too. The whole God crap and the saying of the Lords Prayer at the end put me off. I am open to the existence of a higher power but I just don't want to call it God."

Hi.
AA attendance is optional and works IF we work it. It’s loaded with “suggestions” which the sober members have followed to attain sobriety as has millions that WORK the program.
In the haze of alcohol I heard the words “your Higher Power” not mine or anyone else’s.
I needed to grow up and stop being an undisciplined alcoholic who whined “I don’t like this and that.”

I needed to recognize the world does not revolve around me and I needed to strive for what these old timers had, like it or not.
Many times I heard the words “ if you don’t like what we have your misery is refundable.”


BE WELL

Mountainmanbob

If an alcoholic keeps going back out and then by the grace of God sobers up in AA true, they may look to be torn by the years of abuse.

Some fortunate others will sober up much earlier in life and appear to have most all together.

Other drunks may actually die drinking.

Which will you be ?

Mountainmanbob

ScottFromWI

Sorry you had a bad time, but it sounds like you have the right idea by trying harder and getting a sponsor despite some of the things you experienced. Any recovery program is really only as useful as what you put into it, AA would be no exception. Be true to yourself and do the necessary work and I bet you'll be able to succeed.

MIRecovery

When I went to AA I saw a bunch of healthy happy people that had accomplished something I had not. I was not healthy or happy and about the only thing that could be said for me is I was not drinking.

I stuck around and learned their stories. I learned how they did it. I learned how to be glad I was sober. There are things I do not like about AA and the Lord's prayer is one of them but I as my sponsor pointed out. AA has been working just fine and has saved millions without my input.

In AA I learned to listen and listened to learn. I learned there is a life after alcohol. I learned what AA's position is on spirituality regardless of how it implemented at a particular meeting. AA is a blueprint for living and when I was drinking I was not living I was just waiting for death.

AA is not the only way but for this alcoholic AA saved my live

Pete55

That's why they call it, "God" or "Higher Power"

I cursed whatever the God thing was on the day I phoned AA,
actually said out aloud, " get the F** out of my life"

So off I went to my first meeting and sure enough, "God" was mentioned and I nearly walked out, but to where ! ?
Then the part that kept me in there was where it says, "God as we understood Him"
"restore us to sanity."
In particular the word sanity, as if , "wow, these people are not afraid to use words like insane" !
and finally the 3rd Tradition.

Many old timers I know are gentlemen and women and are simply too old to take a newcomer through the steps, and that's AA.
That is why the newcomer is so important, to carry that message of Hope and experience recovery.

I went to as many meetings, I was suffering and later on the word "God" or HP no longer bothered me.

As for the Lords Prayer, one has to make up their own mind, when googled there are a few subtle interpretations, but I don't view it as relgeon, just guidence in this walk of life, difference is, sober and staying sober. We use the serenity prayer and that works for all walks of life.

Finally, in Step 3, where is says, "Made a decision to turn our will..."
It was shown to me what "will" is, it's my mind and the obsession over alcohol that it used to be. Therefore I am "awaken" to the fact that I can turn that thought/will towards something else other than a drink, cos that's what comes to mind,a drink. Well, I look the other way and "complain" or nag to a "God" and say "hey, what now ?, havn't you got something better for me to do ya old fart" !
And sure enough, something else will surely come, and Idea, or whatever. Usually another meeting and better things start to happen, cos staying sober simply does that.

:-)

skg

Hi, Paddy, and welcome. I appreciate your post because it reminds me of how I felt about the whole recovery bull for a very long time. Those poor pitiful bastards weren't like me and they certainly seemed like losers at life--until they started talking.

What *I* heard in your thread was truth--rigorous honesty--and desperation. I recognize that, because it's the foundation upon which I have built a working sobriety. Honesty. The kind of honesty with myself that I'd always relied on chemicals/alcohol to mask. Freaky life-changing honesty that says, "I don't know how to do this alone," or, "I'm lying to myself."

I was on death's door--and scared to F*** and back--but I would rather have died than have them be right. I told them that, too. basement-level Honesty. Sometimes it's ugly, but there is no arguing it.

The phrase, "Contempt prior to investigation," started to resonate in my head and I rejected that at first, too. Absolutely ANYTHING was an argument for the Subcommittee, but I didn't drink. And I kept coming back like only the dying can.

That was eight years ago. I have not found it necessary to pick up a drink/drug since walking through those doors and I've struggle mightily with life on life's terms at times, But I've remained sober. It was through using The Principles of the steps to stay alive and sober, I've managed to crawl out of the abyss and help others find their own way, too.

You keep going--and ask the old farts what they did to get/stay sober. Ask them anything--they love to help. They'll tell you in a way that suggests that perhaps you can do it, too. They'll create hope in your heart that life's worth living in a manner you'd never even considered. Suspend judgement and listen for the similarities--you may find life-long friendships there.

JeffreyAK

There are lots of options if you don't like AA, though I don't know what is available in Nova Scotia. Smart for example has meetings on Prince Edward Island, SMART Recovery® - Canada Meetings. If you dig around, I'm sure you can find alternatives. Sometimes the best course is to change course, and if you're a square peg you don't have to force-fit into a round hole.

That said, one danger of the grizzled ex-drunk comparison is, we think "Well THAT guy was obviously an alcoholic and needed to quit, but I'm nowhere near that bad off, so it must be ok for me to keep drinking!". Those folks kept drinking, and you'll look that way too if you don't stop.

SoberCAH

I am glad you went to a meeting and posted.

My first AA meeting did not inspire me to keep coming back, but I was out of option, so I did and I haven't had a drink since.

Maybe you will, too.

waynetheking

Praying and asking god for relief from alcoholism was the only way I could quit. We all have our ways nova. Just be open minded and don't drink.

Berrybean

Hi - what I heard in your post is honesty about how the HP stuff made you feel, but a willingness to go back and learn. Congrats for looking past it and making the decision to give it a proper go.

It may well be worth trying some different meetings in your area. Each has it's own distinct 'feeling' about it. I love having the old-timers there to learn from, but I also like having a good mix of age, gender and background to meetings.

In the UK I've never (yet) heard the Lords Prayer in meetings - just the Serenity Prayer, which seems to ruffle far less feathers. AA is not allied to any sect or denomination. I suppose at the beginning it would have been more 'Christian' because in the founding years that's what most people professed to be. It can sometimes seem that everyone is Christian at meetings because the keep talking about God, but mostly they are referring to their own Higher Power / God as they understand it themselves, not in the Christian sense of the word. It does take some getting used to though.

There is a very funny speaker called Mickey B who has some great speech recordings on the web that address these first steps and the Higher Power issue. I found them really helpful as well as entertaining Maybe they'd be useful? ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L0hemu0vqU

Anyway - good luck with your meetings - let us know how you get on