time to change...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Ireland
Posts: 23
time to change...
Its taken me a long time to begin to admit my powerlessness over alcohol. I kept thinking I could cut back and although this worked on occasion I always went back to getting totally drunk and ending up doing the most embarrassing and insane things.
I’ve been sober for one day after my last 3 day binge. In the past Id last a week or two but inevitably go down the same road of binging followed by depression, anger, beginning to feel ok and then drinking again.
I feel I’m trapped in an endless cycle and it's getting deeper and deeper. I nearly crashed my car the other day while under the influence. I now realise that if I continue to drink I’m going to kill myself or God forbid someone else.
I want so much now to cut this ******** out and accept that I just can't handle drink. I know it's ultimately up to me but I’m afraid Ill just slip again. In some ways I feel that perhaps I haven’t really accepted my problem yet but if this is the case what does it take to finally bring about change?
Any advice would be appreciated. God bless.
Eire
I’ve been sober for one day after my last 3 day binge. In the past Id last a week or two but inevitably go down the same road of binging followed by depression, anger, beginning to feel ok and then drinking again.
I feel I’m trapped in an endless cycle and it's getting deeper and deeper. I nearly crashed my car the other day while under the influence. I now realise that if I continue to drink I’m going to kill myself or God forbid someone else.
I want so much now to cut this ******** out and accept that I just can't handle drink. I know it's ultimately up to me but I’m afraid Ill just slip again. In some ways I feel that perhaps I haven’t really accepted my problem yet but if this is the case what does it take to finally bring about change?
Any advice would be appreciated. God bless.
Eire
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by eire
I want so much now to cut this ******** out and accept that I just can't handle drink. I know it's ultimately up to me but I’m afraid Ill just slip again. In some ways I feel that perhaps I haven’t really accepted my problem yet but if this is the case what does it take to finally bring about change?
It sounds to me that you have come to the conclusion that you have no control once you start drinking, which is the case with most of us. The way you describe the cycle chills me, as it mirrors my experience perfectly the last ten years. I call myself an addict, but alcohol was my favorite poison.
Have you noticed that once you've got two of three days of sober time between you and the last binge, that you've started sleeping semi normally again and eating, that's the very moment the depression and anger you speak about are replaced with thoughts of perhaps drinking again more moderately; that maybe next time, you'll get it right...
It's what usually happened to me. It didn't matter that 48 hours prior, I was bent over vomitting blood, or waking up soiled with absolutely no recollection of where I had been.
Once I started feeling human again, obsessive thoughts of drinking usually led me right back to a state I had forsaken the previous week.
I wasn't able to quit on my own.
I sought the help of other addicts and alcoholics in AA and NA.
It seems to be working for me still. My life is far from perfect, but I am happier, healthier and more importantly, free from active addiction.
There's a multitude of recovery programs Eire.
Have you looked into any of them? I'll venture a guess you'll find something that suits your needs.
Glad you're here.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Welcome Eire and I'm glad you found us!
You can break the cycle. I, too, was stuck in that horrible cycle and felt hopeless about getting about. But, it can be done and you'll feel so much better about yourself and your life.
Try not to be overwhelmed with the idea of never drinking again and just don't drink right now. Change the patterns and routines of your life. For me, this was crucial. I had to specifically plan something to do during the times of the day when I'd normally drink.
Hang around here and get to know us. We can offer you lots of support and understanding.
Love, Anna
You can break the cycle. I, too, was stuck in that horrible cycle and felt hopeless about getting about. But, it can be done and you'll feel so much better about yourself and your life.
Try not to be overwhelmed with the idea of never drinking again and just don't drink right now. Change the patterns and routines of your life. For me, this was crucial. I had to specifically plan something to do during the times of the day when I'd normally drink.
Hang around here and get to know us. We can offer you lots of support and understanding.
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 375
Hi eire, welcome to SR. I'm Deg nice to meet you.
The best advice is "don't drink", but you know that already! very easy to say, but not quite as easy to do.
I got to the point where it started to be really obvious to me that I didn't really have a choice. You said it yourself, if you continue to drink you'll kill yourself, or God forbid someone else.
I don't know you from Adam, but the next time I'm driving through Sligo, I don't want to be looking at the crucifix and pile of flowers by the blind bend thinking it was yours.
Quite simply you have to make a firm commitment to never drinking again, ever. Not the sort of commitment you've made in the past, a different type. I can't really describe it any better than that.
Once you think you're ready to do that you'll need a plan of how you're going to fight the urge to drink - and that fight goes on for a long time.
There are loads of options, in practice not drinking is very easy - not like learning to balet dance, or play the oboe at all. Keep it simple and you can do it.
Come back and tell us when you're ready - there will be loads of people here who can offer you good advice.
Good luck,
Deg.
The best advice is "don't drink", but you know that already! very easy to say, but not quite as easy to do.
I got to the point where it started to be really obvious to me that I didn't really have a choice. You said it yourself, if you continue to drink you'll kill yourself, or God forbid someone else.
I don't know you from Adam, but the next time I'm driving through Sligo, I don't want to be looking at the crucifix and pile of flowers by the blind bend thinking it was yours.
Quite simply you have to make a firm commitment to never drinking again, ever. Not the sort of commitment you've made in the past, a different type. I can't really describe it any better than that.
Once you think you're ready to do that you'll need a plan of how you're going to fight the urge to drink - and that fight goes on for a long time.
There are loads of options, in practice not drinking is very easy - not like learning to balet dance, or play the oboe at all. Keep it simple and you can do it.
Come back and tell us when you're ready - there will be loads of people here who can offer you good advice.
Good luck,
Deg.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Ireland
Posts: 23
Thanks for the advice it was really helpful. The most difficult time for me will be in 4-5 days. I then start to have more thoughts about drinking - it's as if my body and mind have become so accustomed to the effects of alcohol that it's become part of who I am.
I have to accept that there's a part of me that will always remain associated with alcohol. I guess it's time to build a new life - can only be better that where this one's going..
thanks again
I have to accept that there's a part of me that will always remain associated with alcohol. I guess it's time to build a new life - can only be better that where this one's going..
thanks again
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 375
Alcohol has no redeeming qualities whatsoever! It doesn't relax us, but makes us think we're relaxed, it makes us think we can take risks while it slows our reactions, it makes us feel more confident while hammering our self-esteem into the ground; it makes us think we're funnier and better company, but, oh dear, it doesn't.
It is a new life Eire, I'm trying hard not to be too evangelical about it, but I can't allow myself to forget how much being sober has changed my life - that's why I'm here I suppose. I don't have the slightest hint of a desire to drink any more, I don't think about drink at all - but I do still worry about ending up back where I've come from. I know were I to forget, it would take only one drink to send me back there, As long as I appreciate my new life, I know I'm safe.
If it helps, I started out by planning my first two weeks in real detail - I listed all the things I enjoyed doing and planned one for each evening. It took me a while to remember all the things I used to be able to do! like go and see a film, visit my parents, go for a drive, play the guitar, read, go to the theatre, take my son out somewhere etc. The first fortnight flew by.
What aspect of stopping worries you most?
Deg.
It is a new life Eire, I'm trying hard not to be too evangelical about it, but I can't allow myself to forget how much being sober has changed my life - that's why I'm here I suppose. I don't have the slightest hint of a desire to drink any more, I don't think about drink at all - but I do still worry about ending up back where I've come from. I know were I to forget, it would take only one drink to send me back there, As long as I appreciate my new life, I know I'm safe.
If it helps, I started out by planning my first two weeks in real detail - I listed all the things I enjoyed doing and planned one for each evening. It took me a while to remember all the things I used to be able to do! like go and see a film, visit my parents, go for a drive, play the guitar, read, go to the theatre, take my son out somewhere etc. The first fortnight flew by.
What aspect of stopping worries you most?
Deg.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Welcome!
Hi Eire -- welcome to SR.
You sound a lot like me. I was a daily, binge, blackout drinker. Oh, and for me it was usually beer only, so I didn't think I had that much of a problem.
Used to be on weekends, then couple of times a week, then daily. Guilt, remorse sets in, sobers me up for a while, then I feel OK to drink. Cycle starts again. Then it got worse, cycles got shorter, I didn't need to "feel OK" to drink again, just drank to numb the guilt, fear, remorse, anger whatever.
I am back in AA, and am committed to working a program. One of many ways you may want to check out. I found it's way too hard to do on my own.
Welcome and we're all here for you (and each other)!
Ken
You sound a lot like me. I was a daily, binge, blackout drinker. Oh, and for me it was usually beer only, so I didn't think I had that much of a problem.
Used to be on weekends, then couple of times a week, then daily. Guilt, remorse sets in, sobers me up for a while, then I feel OK to drink. Cycle starts again. Then it got worse, cycles got shorter, I didn't need to "feel OK" to drink again, just drank to numb the guilt, fear, remorse, anger whatever.
I am back in AA, and am committed to working a program. One of many ways you may want to check out. I found it's way too hard to do on my own.
Welcome and we're all here for you (and each other)!
Ken
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 689
Ho Erie, I can relate a lot also. I tried to stop on my own many times with no long term success. I would get drunk, do some insane things that I don't remember, swear off drink for a few days, until the thinking creeps back in. I would reason with myself why the next time would be different, ect... As I continued to drink heavily, the close calls with police eventully got closer. Th embarrassing acts got worse. I did end up crashing my car and hurting innocent people. That finaly woke me up. I finally realized that my life is unmanageable and change must happen. AA has been the way out for me thus far. I am now learning to live a responsible life. And life is better then I thought possible.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Ireland
Posts: 23
Day two and all’s well.
Thanks for the advice again. Just a couple of years ago I didn’t realise I had a problem at all. When I look back now the irritability, insomnia, anxiety etc. were all caused by my binge drinking.
I find it amazing how alcohol affects people in similar ways - listening to you guys confirms this for me and also gives me hope that I can beat it.
I’m moving house in a week or so - it's just me so it shouldn’t be too stressful. New city and hopefully new life without drink.
Ill take your advice and plan what Im gonna do over the next few weeks. Im determined not to enter that cycle again by having first drink - I think Ill look for some support group also (although I’ve been resisting that up to now).
Take are for now
Eire
Thanks for the advice again. Just a couple of years ago I didn’t realise I had a problem at all. When I look back now the irritability, insomnia, anxiety etc. were all caused by my binge drinking.
I find it amazing how alcohol affects people in similar ways - listening to you guys confirms this for me and also gives me hope that I can beat it.
I’m moving house in a week or so - it's just me so it shouldn’t be too stressful. New city and hopefully new life without drink.
Ill take your advice and plan what Im gonna do over the next few weeks. Im determined not to enter that cycle again by having first drink - I think Ill look for some support group also (although I’ve been resisting that up to now).
Take are for now
Eire
Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
Eire, I think that is the best approach. Do this in the company of others who are going through the same thing. Ask the ones who are sober how they stay sober. Your initial post could have been written by me. The only exception is that I didn't know I was an alcoholic. The court system got a hold of me again and one person in particular had this annoying habit of calling me an alcoholic. That really pissed me off. So, to show her, I quit drinking. And I mean for six months. I figured that if I could do that then she would have to admit that she was wrong about me and apologize. LOL My stubborness, which is usually a huge liability, worked for me then. Like you I finally wanted to change.
The point is get some time sober. Establish new and healthy habits. Hang with people who dont drink. Dont go places that serve alcohol unless you have a good rreason to be there. Do you have hobbies? I'm remodeling my ouse right now, that will take up your free time. And when you stop drinking you will have a lot of free time.
You will one day reach a point where drinking will be just a memory and somehow almost unbelievable that you ever did drink. That will take some time. Good luck.
The point is get some time sober. Establish new and healthy habits. Hang with people who dont drink. Dont go places that serve alcohol unless you have a good rreason to be there. Do you have hobbies? I'm remodeling my ouse right now, that will take up your free time. And when you stop drinking you will have a lot of free time.
You will one day reach a point where drinking will be just a memory and somehow almost unbelievable that you ever did drink. That will take some time. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 375
Originally Posted by Ninerfan
You will one day reach a point where drinking will be just a memory and somehow almost unbelievable that you ever did drink. That will take some time. Good luck.
Doesn't stop you spouting a load of rubbish though - watch that!
Deg.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
...if I continue to drink I’m going to kill myself or God forbid someone else.
But by the grace of God, I lived through the days and brought no harm via the car and alcohol to others. Looking back that is the only way I can understand how I made it through. God's hand had to have been there.
Fear of what if...
Fear of what I had done and what could be...
The uglyness of finding out the next day or the next week what I had done when drunk...
I haven’t really accepted my problem yet but if this is the case what does it take to finally bring about change?
So what it takes is...You making the choice.
Search out AA meetings in that new town. Continue coming back here as well.
With the support of others, the not drinking...one day at a time becomes easier. Doing it on our own makes for a tougher road. The steps that AA shows us does make life easier to deal with.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
[QUOTE=eire]Its taken me a long time to begin to admit my powerlessness over alcohol. I kept thinking I could cut back and although this worked on occasion I always went back to getting totally drunk and ending up doing the most embarrassing and insane things.
Welcome to the forum eire.
In response to the quote above."Cutting back" is merely an illusion for us alcoholics and we never ever truly succeed at playing this game when after our fourth attempt we get totally plastered.It is one of the things that strengthens our denial and perpetuates our confusion.
I do not believe any alcoholic can go back to a life of controlled drinking.It may be years in coming but invariably some circumstance will occur that will precipitate the loss of control.It may be some life changing event like the loss of a loved one or it may simply be a thought that occurs to us one night at a party when the music is nice and the lights are pretty and the scent of a perfume triggers a memory and then the thought......"oh what the heck."
I know this will happen because I do not believe the real issue has been addressed when we have to make a concious effort to "control our drinking".
The real issue is WHY do I have to drink in the first place? Why is alcohol so important to me when after making my life unmanagable I still have to find a way to control it?
The only true method is total abstainance and this can be made easier when we take inventory of ouselves and honestly answer some questions.
Welcome to the forum eire.
In response to the quote above."Cutting back" is merely an illusion for us alcoholics and we never ever truly succeed at playing this game when after our fourth attempt we get totally plastered.It is one of the things that strengthens our denial and perpetuates our confusion.
I do not believe any alcoholic can go back to a life of controlled drinking.It may be years in coming but invariably some circumstance will occur that will precipitate the loss of control.It may be some life changing event like the loss of a loved one or it may simply be a thought that occurs to us one night at a party when the music is nice and the lights are pretty and the scent of a perfume triggers a memory and then the thought......"oh what the heck."
I know this will happen because I do not believe the real issue has been addressed when we have to make a concious effort to "control our drinking".
The real issue is WHY do I have to drink in the first place? Why is alcohol so important to me when after making my life unmanagable I still have to find a way to control it?
The only true method is total abstainance and this can be made easier when we take inventory of ouselves and honestly answer some questions.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Beaver, WA
Posts: 1,346
((((((( 
Eire))))))))
You posted - I too thought & felt the way you've mentioned. Understanding the double edged sword of the physical allergy and mental obsession that kept me in the cycle helped me to realize that one drink was too many and 1000 were never going to be enough. Wonderful to hear you already grasp that from the get go. I too am an alcoholic and today I thank God I found other Aliens ... 
...just like me.
(((((((((Eire))))))))) How you today?
Kiss Heart of Spirit In Love & Service,
:tri
Three Legs
Eire))))))))You posted -
I then start to have more thoughts about drinking - it's as if my body and mind have become so accustomed to the effects of alcohol that it's become part of who I am.
...just like me.
(((((((((Eire))))))))) How you today?
Kiss Heart of Spirit In Love & Service,
:tri
Three Legs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Ireland
Posts: 23
day four and doing fine. Was down town today and felt the old urge when I passed some of my regular watering holes. I just kept on walking - I know for a fact that a week ago I would have gone in for "one".
Thanks everyone for your help - it's really made a difference. For the first time in a long while I feel confident (but not complacent) about staying sober.
Eire
Thanks everyone for your help - it's really made a difference. For the first time in a long while I feel confident (but not complacent) about staying sober.
Eire
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 375
HI Eire, Slainte, And no shortage of watering holes down your way either! Enjoy being sober. I'm glad you're doing well. It's a long road, so don't forget why you're on it and make the most of this great opportunity to make a brand new start. It's a wonderful thing.
Deg.
Deg.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Under The Stars
Posts: 47
Eire,
I know exactly how you feel, been there done that! Let one day roll into the next, before you know it, the days do add up and the desire to drink WILL fade away! At first it was like watching sand in an hour glass, trying to take it day by by, I'm not gonna lie, the first 30 days felt like a year! I'm now on my 2nd set of 30 days, hit 60 days sober this week and the past 30 days have just flown! I had to learn how to live life sober again! I spent most of the first 30 days angry, resentful, wallowing in self-pity because I couldn't drink, etc... In my heart I knew I was powerless over alcohol but I still struggled with the stupid thinking of "just have a couple, take the edge off", knowing full well because of my many failed attempts, I just couldn't! One drink gets me started, then the whole damn cylce starts all over again!
Cling to the days you have behind you already sober! I used to think I would stay sober for awhile, get things under control and then I would be able to drink again! Funny thing is, I attended a wedding this past weekend in which (mentally) I allowed myself a couple of drinks, I've been good, etc.... I just couldn't drink, didn't even want to! I am unwilling to give up the number of days I have sober for a temporary high! It felt great to go home sober, enjoy reading in bed rather than passing out and NOT waking up with a God awful hangover! That's when it really hit me, I"m so gratful to finally be sober, I love life again, I love waking up sober, hangover free, guilt free, no more remorse, etc...
Change your routine, keep yourself busy, bikeride, watch TV, read, whatever.... YOU WILL learn how to live life sober again and love it! It's great to feel free again!
I know exactly how you feel, been there done that! Let one day roll into the next, before you know it, the days do add up and the desire to drink WILL fade away! At first it was like watching sand in an hour glass, trying to take it day by by, I'm not gonna lie, the first 30 days felt like a year! I'm now on my 2nd set of 30 days, hit 60 days sober this week and the past 30 days have just flown! I had to learn how to live life sober again! I spent most of the first 30 days angry, resentful, wallowing in self-pity because I couldn't drink, etc... In my heart I knew I was powerless over alcohol but I still struggled with the stupid thinking of "just have a couple, take the edge off", knowing full well because of my many failed attempts, I just couldn't! One drink gets me started, then the whole damn cylce starts all over again!
Cling to the days you have behind you already sober! I used to think I would stay sober for awhile, get things under control and then I would be able to drink again! Funny thing is, I attended a wedding this past weekend in which (mentally) I allowed myself a couple of drinks, I've been good, etc.... I just couldn't drink, didn't even want to! I am unwilling to give up the number of days I have sober for a temporary high! It felt great to go home sober, enjoy reading in bed rather than passing out and NOT waking up with a God awful hangover! That's when it really hit me, I"m so gratful to finally be sober, I love life again, I love waking up sober, hangover free, guilt free, no more remorse, etc...
Change your routine, keep yourself busy, bikeride, watch TV, read, whatever.... YOU WILL learn how to live life sober again and love it! It's great to feel free again!
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