FenwayFaithful

So I have spent the past couple of days reading all my posts here and it is evident to me that I have been grappling with the same issues for years. This dates back even further than when I began posting on SR around 3 years ago. However, I would say my posts here depicted the darkest/worst days of my drinking.
There were times when I was reading and realized I had flat out lied to you guys, saying I was sober when, in reality, I most certainly was not. Why I felt the need to lie, I couldn’t tell you. But I do a lot of lying, both to others, and myself in regards to my drinking and other self-destructive habits.
There are two sides of my brain—the addict/rationalizing side and the logical/healthy thinking. It is not surprise that, despite knowing better, I often let the addict side of my brain win. Why? Because it’s easier. Plain and simple. I don’t have to change, I don’t have to work on myself, I can continue to do the same old **** and rationalize my choices
The longest I ever had completely sober was just under 90 days, which was just after rehab, which was proceeded by the darkest period of my life. Looking back at the **** I’ve done when I was drinking, I am lucky to be alive. Looking back, I’ve always found a reason to drink, happy, sad, mad, celebrating, angry, alone, at a party, on a date, couldn’t sleep, anxiety…the list goes on & on. My drinking was never normal, not from the moment I started. Others used it as a way to have a little fun, maybe at the most a little “liquid courage”. For me, it was always so much more than that—it was escape, it was a way to cope.
I like to say it was a way to cope with things I “couldn’t” handle, but the truth is, it’s a way of coping with things I don’t WANT to handle. And I am in a better place than I was two years ago, but I am not sober. And my drinking is escalating. I like to rationalize by saying I’m not an alcoholic because over the 2 years, I have barely drank at all and rarely drank alone, until recently.
However, I have been smoking weed, on an almost daily basis, in that time. And while I am not physically addicted to either weed or alcohol, I am mentally addicted to both—or I am simply unable or unwilling to be sober—if I can’t drink, I smoke, if I can’t smoke, I drink.
I tell myself all this is fine because I hold down a full time job and I am maintain straight A’s in graduate school. If I am being completely honest with myself however, both Grad School and work provide a similar outlet for avoidance/escape. It is during my down times when my anxiety stats and I get that “itch” to just not be fully present.
Now this of course is where the problem lies. Physically addicted or not, alcohol has led to nothing but problems for me. And although weed hasn’t had the same (or any) real consequences for me—the true danger lies in the fact that it hasn’t allowed me to change myself, the heal myself, to focus on self care or develop actual coping mechanisms for dealing with my problems.
Yet I continue to rationalize because living this way is easier than not. Now I can tell I am at a point right now where I am starting to get into a negative place, I’ve been drinking more frequently, talking to an ex that I should really have nothing to do with, lying to people and just not taking care of myself in general.
I know people go back and fourth on the “is addiction a disease” debate, but at the end of the day I don’t think it matters. Drinking has never done anything gooe for me but I continue to do it. I know I need to work on myself but instead of doing that I drink or I smoke or I rationalize that because I am “better than I was” that it isn’t a big deal.
Anyone whose been reading my posts for a while knows this isn’t some huge epiphany for me and just because I am not physically addicted now, doesn’t mean I won’t be in the future or that I won’t turn to something significantly worse once this escalates. And part of me says OF COURSE this is going to escalate, this isn’t just going to “go away” when A, B, C or D happens, yet I continue to rationalize because it is more comfortable and motivating to keep doing the same thing rather than make some difficult changes.
Obviously I am the only person who can make them and I know that. I’ve known it for years but nothing really ever changes. And I tell myself I can lead a normal life in spite of that, and part of me believe that it’s true then another part of me wonders, do you really want to risk that? Because how many people have thought the same exact thing? How many people have though “but I’m different” or “this time will be different” or “alcohol is okay because I only addicted to heroin” only to end up having to learn the same lessons over and over and over again?
It's frustrating, because one side of me sees this so clearly, but then I am like a child and I don't want to deal...what's that song by U2? Running to stand still. That's basically what I am doing. Running to stand still. Everything I am doing all this hard work in school and stuff...all this potential could easily be destroyed by my drinking , but that's not the side of my brain I want to listen to and that other side is damn good at getting me to agree with it and rationalizing. And physically addicted or not, isn't that the true nature of addiction?

greens

Wow very powerful post. Thank you for sharing this . Yes, I agree,
It doesn't matter where you stand on the "disease model" concept as long as you know you can't have that first drink .

Soberwolf

For me acceptance is key

Boleo

I would not spend too much time worrying about the physical addiction. A Detox clinic can easily fix that. And at this point in your recovery, don't beat yourself up about lying to us here at SR. There is plenty of time to fix that.

If you want to get at "the true nature of addiction"? Start by doing some objective and second person guided self appraisal (aka inventory).

ScottFromWI

Quite a post Fenway, thanks for sharing. I fought the same fight for years. Moderation plans, short sober stretches, return to heavy/daily drinking, rinse and repeat. And then it was just binge drinking every day..for years.

My solution to break away from that was acceptance too-acknowledging that I can not, and never will be able to drink responsibly. Once that was done I could start real recovery.

brynn

Predicting that you 'may' be addicted to something in the future sounds like a recipe for disaster! If you've made a commitment to quit drinking/smoking you dont have to worry about what you 'might' become addicted to...it's a non-issue! If you haven't made the commitment to quit permanently, then you're setting yourself up for years more 'debating' with yourself! Those are years that could be spent living instead of struggling!
I wish you all the best and hope you choose to truly live!

fini

i remember you, Fenway.
welcome back.
and yeah, doesn't sound like anything much has changed...

is there something you're setting an intention on and have a plan for how to make it happen?

FenwayFaithful

I need to manage my stress in a healthy way and cut people who are toxic for me out of my life. My ex is in a good place but I've been in a really bad one since he got out of jail and we've been talking. It's brought up old feelings, on top of the stress from Grad School and a surgery I have to have next week, I've had a lot on my plate.

I know the first thing I need to do is cut contact with my ex, I am pretty sure he would be understanding about it, especially since he seems to be trying to keep his distance a bit as well, it was actually he who opened my eyes to the fact that it seems like I haven't grown much in the last couple of years. He participated in an addiction program when he was inside and seems to be in a good place recovery wise and knowing me for 10+ years and being an addict himself he was able to see through a lot of my ****.

The key for me is taking care of myself, the problem is I get so busy I forget to do that. I think honestly the reason I am having such a hard time right now is that I was using weed to cope, and although I am in no way whatsoever addicted to MJ, it was keeping my anxiety and depression at bay. And drinking is a direct trigger for my depression, obviously, which is what I've been doing in the absence of weed (absolutely no smoking for me bc of a medical problem) I was cig smoker too and although I am used to going the whole work day 7-3 without smoking a cig (bc I am a teacher) I've found having to go cold turkey to be making me extremely irritable and anxious. Typically I am not really an irritable person, even when in a bad spot.
I know that I need to find positive and sober people to surround myself with. Plenty of my friends are able to drink normally and while none of them go too crazy anymore, it's hard to stay sober when you don't have any sober contacts.

It's just that so much of my time is caught up with Grad School/work. Most days I leave the house at 5:30, get home around 11:30, I go to school full time as well as teach full time, so I don't have a whole lot down time--however, ironically, downtown is a trigger for me.

I need to figure out what my hobbies are, what makes me happy, find balance. I haven't seen a therapist in a while but she always said one of my main issues was not having balance in my life, which is a common thread. I suppose for me, I know where I want to be and what I have to do, in a sense but have no clue how to get from point A to point b.

Anyway ,this post was not really about advice because I think it's pretty clear that I am the only one who can help myself but rather just about sharing my story/hoping it would help someone/gathering my own thoughts.

realizingtruth

This sucked for me, honestly. I had SUCH A BATTLE in my own mind about not being able to drink like others. BUT, the proof is in the pudding, guys. I had to start truly examining the wreckage I cause when I use and the pain and suffering I inflict on others AND myself. It is ridiculous to believe I don't have a problem.

As far as wondering if something "might be a problem," I tend to agree that is probably IS or you wouldn't even think about it. not getting aa preachy, but in the big book where it talks about the difference between a hard drinker and an alcoholic, I tried to justify "hard drinker" for years until I finally came to the understanding that it doesn't matter which I am. I do think I am an alcoholic, but who wants to be a hard drinker either? It all creates the same thing in the end, because hard drinking is most likely going to progress to alcoholism anyway.

okay, rant over. glad you are here, fenway.