School thoughts etc
 

I just finished my exams and I think I did really really badly and I feel incredibly bad about that. I've noticed that I have a lot of coping mechanisms that I use to try and make myself feel better but they never work. I went home with a man from the bar last night and then left this morning without saying anything while he was in the shower. I've been doing that a lot lately. I have one good friend but I can't help but feel that she doesn't care about me as much as I care about her. All we ever do is drink together. Now that school is over, I just feel so incredibly guilty about how much money my mom has spent on my school and if I fail I don't even know how I would talk to her about it or even go about fixing the situation, like it's not even possible for me to make this ok. If I failed, I wasted a huge opportunity. I'm in my third year of all-expenses-paid university, like I realize how huge of a privilege that is and I ruined it. So now it's friday night and I was invited to go out but instead I'm here in my messy apartment with a double bottle of wine because this is all I wanted to do.

Hi Calla - welcome back :)

I found that as messy as my life had become, the first step to tidying it up was to stop drinking.

Are you at the point where you're ready to do that?

D

Thank you Dee, I don't know if I'm ready. Right now I really just want to cry but I know by the time tomorrow comes around I'll need a solution. I'm only 22 but I never envisioned my life turning out this way. All I've ever done to help myself cope is drink so it would be weird to find another way

I think it's necessary, to be honest.

Apart from anything else, picking up random strangers in a bar is not particularly safe thing to do?

You deserve better :)

D

So please spare me your smiley faces. I understand that you're trying to be helpful but I disagree with your viewpoint. FYI, I was "safe" and even if I wasn't "safe" it's my choice and I can use my body however I want. If I was a man you never would have said that. I came here looking for support, not judgement or criticism.

i think i see what you are saying. it wasn't really about the men...it was about the fact you were so detached...and alcohol is really what you desire and want. i can relate to that (but, incidentally, i can relate to using sex as a means to validate myself...i am not saying that is what you were trying to do). there are many nights in my past that drinking wine, watching a movie, talking on the phone made up my ideal evening. sadly, that was the only type of evening i ever wanted to experience anymore. yes, you are young...that is a wonderful asset, but I know that doesn't make change necessarily easier. i encourage you to continue to explore your relationship with wine. you are strong and insightful to speak about it here.

Nothing in the OP demonstrates the gender of its author, add to that a friendly suggestion that drinking can affect judgement being gender neutral, it may be that your reaction is misplaced ?
I can understand being angry with, even possibly being guilt filled with the realization of having been at least partly responsible for the damage done to an opportunity. Drinking will not help going forward.

We have different ideas on what feminism is, but I'm sorry for offending you.

I really would have said that to you if you were a man too, though.

I'm not being judgemental about your morals.
I'm an old guy who made a lot of mistakes and wants to see young people avoid the mistakes I did.

but yeah - I told a few people to go jump in my day too.
it's your life and I genuinely wish you the best.

D

Hi Calla youl find support in heaps here it doesnt have to be you 2 wine bottles in your apartment i remember when thats all i did pretty sad looking back at myself like that

its the impossible situation of not wanting to drink while drinking its horrible

I get it trust me i done it its heartbreaking a bit like SIA's chandelier song

The good news is your not alone you are among ppl who know what its like & understand

i think its great you found us