Fail
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chi
Posts: 22
Fail
I'm so embarrassed. I feel guilty and sad.
I drank myself to sleep last night. The entire day today, thus far, is an absolute waste. I didn't go to a meeting. Won't be able to assist a friend as promised. I just now got up, well into the afternoon, and ate something.
I mentioned autopilot before and that's what I was functioning on last night. A complete robot with one mission: to get drunk.
I don't know what to do. I thought, when in and out of consciousness this AM, I need to go to a deserted island. I need to be away from the evilness that is alcohol.
I keep slipping up. Before I jut started over again. But I'm worried all the times I'm doing that. I'm worried I'll just be stuck on repeat, the autopilot, the fool just trying to drown themselves.
This is a ramble. Just... writing. Processing. Trying to understand.
I drank myself to sleep last night. The entire day today, thus far, is an absolute waste. I didn't go to a meeting. Won't be able to assist a friend as promised. I just now got up, well into the afternoon, and ate something.
I mentioned autopilot before and that's what I was functioning on last night. A complete robot with one mission: to get drunk.
I don't know what to do. I thought, when in and out of consciousness this AM, I need to go to a deserted island. I need to be away from the evilness that is alcohol.
I keep slipping up. Before I jut started over again. But I'm worried all the times I'm doing that. I'm worried I'll just be stuck on repeat, the autopilot, the fool just trying to drown themselves.
This is a ramble. Just... writing. Processing. Trying to understand.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
Incomprehensible Demoralization
Try reading the Alcoholics Anonymous book sometime. Some have an allergy to alcohol that manifests itself in the mind: When I drink, I can't stop; when I stop I can't stop thinking about drinking. One is too many and 1,000 never enough.
There's also a story about a guy, Fred, who goes to DC on a business trip, gets stuff done, chats up some colleagues, etc., and suddenly decides that a cocktail might be nice. Days later he comes to in NYC, totally stupified as to how it happened, and demoralized, hospitalized, and ostracized... This is the nature of complete powerlessness over alcohol.
Of course, you can continue doing what you have been doing and continue to get the same results, or change by taking a few suggestions. If you want to drink, that's your business. If you want to stop, AA CAN help. It helped me--and I've tried EVERY. THING...
There's also a story about a guy, Fred, who goes to DC on a business trip, gets stuff done, chats up some colleagues, etc., and suddenly decides that a cocktail might be nice. Days later he comes to in NYC, totally stupified as to how it happened, and demoralized, hospitalized, and ostracized... This is the nature of complete powerlessness over alcohol.
Of course, you can continue doing what you have been doing and continue to get the same results, or change by taking a few suggestions. If you want to drink, that's your business. If you want to stop, AA CAN help. It helped me--and I've tried EVERY. THING...
Court jester
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 508
If you are continuing to slip up, then it sounds like the way in which you are approaching your problem is not working. At some point, you have to commit yourself to the idea that you can no longer drink booze, no matter what, period, end of story.
Once you make that decision, you need to come up with a plan on what you will do if and when the urge to drink hits. Make a list of alternative things to do: call someone, jump on the computer to SR, take a walk, make a list of all the reasons you want to quit and review it. I'm sure there are MANY things you can do in the short term to get over that initial hump of wanting to drink. If you're struck on ideas, ask around here.
As you begin to get a few days or weeks under your belt, you'll want to explore a long term plan of sobriety. This will almost certainly have to consist of a spiritual plan of growth. Luckily for us, there are many options available whether AA, SMART, Refuge, SOS, AVRT, individual therapy, support groups....and the list goes on. I would probably recommend AA in the beginning since it is so prolific and easy to find. Either way, find something soon and stick to it for the first 3-6 months. Rediscover yourself. If you need to change your program later on, then so be it. But for now, take action and do so daily.
Once you make that decision, you need to come up with a plan on what you will do if and when the urge to drink hits. Make a list of alternative things to do: call someone, jump on the computer to SR, take a walk, make a list of all the reasons you want to quit and review it. I'm sure there are MANY things you can do in the short term to get over that initial hump of wanting to drink. If you're struck on ideas, ask around here.
As you begin to get a few days or weeks under your belt, you'll want to explore a long term plan of sobriety. This will almost certainly have to consist of a spiritual plan of growth. Luckily for us, there are many options available whether AA, SMART, Refuge, SOS, AVRT, individual therapy, support groups....and the list goes on. I would probably recommend AA in the beginning since it is so prolific and easy to find. Either way, find something soon and stick to it for the first 3-6 months. Rediscover yourself. If you need to change your program later on, then so be it. But for now, take action and do so daily.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I am grateful for your honesty in this post. As I am overwhelmed with life and at present feel like drinking myself into a coma.
Thank you for reminding me of what tomorrow will be like.
You can do this. Keep trying. You are worth it.
Thank you for reminding me of what tomorrow will be like.
You can do this. Keep trying. You are worth it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 21
as you said to me in my "failure" post, please show yourself some compassion. you used a coping mechanism that is not healthy for you. you are not a failure. you are here. acknowledging you have a problem and want help. you sound like a compassionate person. today is a new day. this hour is a new hour. tomorrow holds so much promise. be well.
learning to live
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,665
Originally Posted by April202015 
I'm so embarrassed. I feel guilty and sad.
I drank myself to sleep last night. The entire day today, thus far, is an absolute waste. I didn't go to a meeting. Won't be able to assist a friend as promised. I just now got up, well into the afternoon, and ate something.
I mentioned autopilot before and that's what I was functioning on last night. A complete robot with one mission: to get drunk.
I don't know what to do. I thought, when in and out of consciousness this AM, I need to go to a deserted island. I need to be away from the evilness that is alcohol.
I keep slipping up. Before I jut started over again. But I'm worried all the times I'm doing that. I'm worried I'll just be stuck on repeat, the autopilot, the fool just trying to drown themselves.
This is a ramble. Just... writing. Processing. Trying to understand.
I drank myself to sleep last night. The entire day today, thus far, is an absolute waste. I didn't go to a meeting. Won't be able to assist a friend as promised. I just now got up, well into the afternoon, and ate something.
I mentioned autopilot before and that's what I was functioning on last night. A complete robot with one mission: to get drunk.
I don't know what to do. I thought, when in and out of consciousness this AM, I need to go to a deserted island. I need to be away from the evilness that is alcohol.
I keep slipping up. Before I jut started over again. But I'm worried all the times I'm doing that. I'm worried I'll just be stuck on repeat, the autopilot, the fool just trying to drown themselves.
This is a ramble. Just... writing. Processing. Trying to understand.
I have been where you are many times. You are the key to turn this around. You have to find it in your heart the desire to stay sober and grow more than you want to drink and spend another day like today. You never have to feel this way again. You are worth it. You deserve happiness. You will never find happiness at the bottom of a bottle. So, what do you got to lose? Nothing. And you have everything to gain. So, why not give sobriety a real whole hearted shot. I think you will be pleasantly surprised where it takes you.
Stay really close to SR and keep occupied. Remember when the drinking thought comes to mind just ride it out minute by minute and it will pass.
I wish you well and really hope you decide to stay away from alcohol and feeling the way you do now. Huge hug xox
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and welcome back.
My recommendations is based on doing the “not making it almost daily relapse.”
I needed to WANT to be sober and that meant I had to be honest with myself about my drinking and ACCEPT the fact I cannot drink in safety one moment at a time in a row.
AA is akin to a learning establishment taught by professionals who understand us. We need to want to be sober for ourselves first, other things will fall into place afterwards.
There are good suggestions above and they require practice as we seem to be trained to escape by way of alcohol when we can’t cope well.
I learned to think of non drinking things when the obsession hit, call someone in the group, stop isolation, go to a meeting, ask for help, it’s OK if it can save your life. Becoming active in the group and helping another alcoholic are great ways to stay on the path. KEEP COMING!
We learn so much that we need at meetings it’s a shame to waste it.
BE WELL
My recommendations is based on doing the “not making it almost daily relapse.”
I needed to WANT to be sober and that meant I had to be honest with myself about my drinking and ACCEPT the fact I cannot drink in safety one moment at a time in a row.
AA is akin to a learning establishment taught by professionals who understand us. We need to want to be sober for ourselves first, other things will fall into place afterwards.
There are good suggestions above and they require practice as we seem to be trained to escape by way of alcohol when we can’t cope well.
I learned to think of non drinking things when the obsession hit, call someone in the group, stop isolation, go to a meeting, ask for help, it’s OK if it can save your life. Becoming active in the group and helping another alcoholic are great ways to stay on the path. KEEP COMING!
We learn so much that we need at meetings it’s a shame to waste it.
BE WELL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chi
Posts: 22
Thank you all for these words! I awoke today feeling good -- quite good! Up early so I can do laundry. I opened some windows. Realized that I didn't even leave my apartment yesterday. But that was yesterday, right? Today I can!
Just wanted to say thank you. I'm a little emotional, as I'm sure you can tell.
Just wanted to say thank you. I'm a little emotional, as I'm sure you can tell.
learning to live
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,665
Originally Posted by April202015
Thank you all for these words! I awoke today feeling good -- quite good! Up early so I can do laundry. I opened some windows. Realized that I didn't even leave my apartment yesterday. But that was yesterday, right? Today I can! Just wanted to say thank you. I'm a little emotional, as I'm sure you can tell.
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