step 9 amends - ran over friend's dog in high-school (20 yrs ago)
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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step 9 amends - ran over friend's dog in high-school (20 yrs ago)
I am completing my step 9 amends. On my list is my close friend from high school, where, in the year 1996, on the way from his house to my swim practice, I ran over his dog (it was chasing my truck). The dog did not survive. Being a young kid (or some other reason), I told others about it, but not him. He and I never really discussed the situation.
I wanted to send him a message about it to express an apology for not being upfront with him and his dad. How do I say it, though? Am I bringing something painful up for him? Do I just make it clear and succinct?
(Hey, so-and-so, I am sober and working on a step 9 amends, and I have you on my list. In high school, I ran over your dog and didn't tell you about it. I would like to apologize for my behavior. I should have discussed it with you and your dad. I know that he meant a lot to you. Hope you're doing well. Love, thotful) - something like that
thoughts?
I wanted to send him a message about it to express an apology for not being upfront with him and his dad. How do I say it, though? Am I bringing something painful up for him? Do I just make it clear and succinct?
(Hey, so-and-so, I am sober and working on a step 9 amends, and I have you on my list. In high school, I ran over your dog and didn't tell you about it. I would like to apologize for my behavior. I should have discussed it with you and your dad. I know that he meant a lot to you. Hope you're doing well. Love, thotful) - something like that
thoughts?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
If it were me I would not want to dredge up something so painful. Getting a message like that would just upset me. You know your friend's personality though. Do you think it would do him harm to bring it up? If so, let it go.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
It was an accident. He has mourned. I would move on and not say anything. Really consider if it would make him feel better or you. If it would only make you feel better, just go on with life and maybe let it just rest.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I think differently about this than those previously responding.
You did something wrong (you were careless and it was an accident, or you hit the dog more or less intentionally, or it was a complete accident, and at the very least you did not tell him about it). It's up to you to make it right. That's what amends are. They are not an apology (though an apology is often involved), it involves taking action to make things right. The way to make it right is to tell him what you did and ask him how you can make it right. It's for him to tell you what to do. Tell him to think about it awhile if he needs to, and then, as long as this does not involve harming anyone, it's up to you to do it.
Yes it's scary. So were lots of things in the prior steps. Trust the process.
You did something wrong (you were careless and it was an accident, or you hit the dog more or less intentionally, or it was a complete accident, and at the very least you did not tell him about it). It's up to you to make it right. That's what amends are. They are not an apology (though an apology is often involved), it involves taking action to make things right. The way to make it right is to tell him what you did and ask him how you can make it right. It's for him to tell you what to do. Tell him to think about it awhile if he needs to, and then, as long as this does not involve harming anyone, it's up to you to do it.
Yes it's scary. So were lots of things in the prior steps. Trust the process.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
"except when to do so would injure them or others"
kinda means not to open an old wound that would make life worse for your friend......
can you donate money to an animal hospital? Pay someone's veterinarian bill? Do some other act to help and be useful to another individual?
an amends is not an apology, as stated and often is a request to find out what the other person may have you do to make things different.....among other things....what does your sponsor suggest?
kinda means not to open an old wound that would make life worse for your friend......
can you donate money to an animal hospital? Pay someone's veterinarian bill? Do some other act to help and be useful to another individual?
an amends is not an apology, as stated and often is a request to find out what the other person may have you do to make things different.....among other things....what does your sponsor suggest?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 607
I agree with as others say. If it's something that's going to bring the other person pain and anger and your doing it just so you can check it off a list, then that's pretty selfish-no? I'm no longer a stepper so I guess my opinion doesn't hold much water in this world though. Go with your conscience.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by thotful 
I am completing my step 9 amends. On my list is my close friend from high school, where, in the year 1996, on the way from his house to my swim practice, I ran over his dog (it was chasing my truck). The dog did not survive. Being a young kid (or some other reason), I told others about it, but not him. He and I never really discussed the situation.
I wanted to send him a message about it to express an apology for not being upfront with him and his dad. How do I say it, though? Am I bringing something painful up for him? Do I just make it clear and succinct?
(Hey, so-and-so, I am sober and working on a step 9 amends, and I have you on my list. In high school, I ran over your dog and didn't tell you about it. I would like to apologize for my behavior. I should have discussed it with you and your dad. I know that he meant a lot to you. Hope you're doing well. Love, thotful) - something like that
thoughts?
I wanted to send him a message about it to express an apology for not being upfront with him and his dad. How do I say it, though? Am I bringing something painful up for him? Do I just make it clear and succinct?
(Hey, so-and-so, I am sober and working on a step 9 amends, and I have you on my list. In high school, I ran over your dog and didn't tell you about it. I would like to apologize for my behavior. I should have discussed it with you and your dad. I know that he meant a lot to you. Hope you're doing well. Love, thotful) - something like that
thoughts?
Unless this is a recent event I would advise you to be up front about it. Pretty much everyone accepts alcoholism is a disease, even if they blame us for it, they can easily dismiss our actions. What matters is what you gain from this, and it sounds like you have everything to gain.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Usually, however, other people are involved. Therefore, we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I will share a story, not sure if it will help.
Years ago I owned two dogs. Pepper and Lady. Pepper was my dog. I rescued her from an animal shelter. She was my first dog that I owned as an adult. I was not allowed to have a dog as a kid and I always wanted one. The bigger the better!
She was a shepherd husky mix and I loved her dearly. She was a protector but yet not over the top. She was good with the children and friends. She stayed in the yard with out leashes or chains. She was just a damn good dog. Lady was also a nice dog, she was my husbands before I met him. I don't meant to down play her but she was not "my" dog.
At one point my mother moved in with us. She kept odd hours. She did not work so she slept in the day, up at night or visa versa. She just did what she basically wanted when she wanted.
One morning she was up and decided to let out the dogs at 2am. When I woke up about 4 am to get ready for work that was when she informed me that she let the dogs out and they had not come back. I was upset and went looking and calling for them with no luck.
We placed an add in the paper and was contacted the next day. Pepper was found next to the freeway, she was dead. We never found lady.
It was not her fault. It was an accident. We let the dogs out all the time unleashed and together. Maybe not at 2am but that was really beside the point. I also wanted to be angry that she did not wake us up and tell us. I am sure she thought they would just turn up. My mind wanted to be angry and place blame but my heart could not.
I can tell you though that I wish even one time she would have said she was sorry. She never has. I think people can apologize or make amends for an accident. For me, it would have let me get some closure but today I have none.
I cried through most of this post because the pain of losing her is still there. Pepper would not be alive today, this was over ten years ago. I do not place fault on my mother for letting the dogs out but I do hold a tiny piece of pain because she never just said "I am sorry this happened".
If you feel you need to make amends then by all means, do that. You can't make it right as you can't bring the dog back. You can offer to make that donation to a shelter, I would have accepted that but honestly, just the simple acknowledgement and a sincere "I am sorry" would have been enough for me.
Years ago I owned two dogs. Pepper and Lady. Pepper was my dog. I rescued her from an animal shelter. She was my first dog that I owned as an adult. I was not allowed to have a dog as a kid and I always wanted one. The bigger the better!
She was a shepherd husky mix and I loved her dearly. She was a protector but yet not over the top. She was good with the children and friends. She stayed in the yard with out leashes or chains. She was just a damn good dog. Lady was also a nice dog, she was my husbands before I met him. I don't meant to down play her but she was not "my" dog.
At one point my mother moved in with us. She kept odd hours. She did not work so she slept in the day, up at night or visa versa. She just did what she basically wanted when she wanted.
One morning she was up and decided to let out the dogs at 2am. When I woke up about 4 am to get ready for work that was when she informed me that she let the dogs out and they had not come back. I was upset and went looking and calling for them with no luck.
We placed an add in the paper and was contacted the next day. Pepper was found next to the freeway, she was dead. We never found lady.
It was not her fault. It was an accident. We let the dogs out all the time unleashed and together. Maybe not at 2am but that was really beside the point. I also wanted to be angry that she did not wake us up and tell us. I am sure she thought they would just turn up. My mind wanted to be angry and place blame but my heart could not.
I can tell you though that I wish even one time she would have said she was sorry. She never has. I think people can apologize or make amends for an accident. For me, it would have let me get some closure but today I have none.
I cried through most of this post because the pain of losing her is still there. Pepper would not be alive today, this was over ten years ago. I do not place fault on my mother for letting the dogs out but I do hold a tiny piece of pain because she never just said "I am sorry this happened".
If you feel you need to make amends then by all means, do that. You can't make it right as you can't bring the dog back. You can offer to make that donation to a shelter, I would have accepted that but honestly, just the simple acknowledgement and a sincere "I am sorry" would have been enough for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I was wrong, you can make it right by giving that person closure. That would have made it right for me, of course I am not your friend and they are not me. I am just sharing my experience and feelings.
The pain I continue to have is not over the lost of the dog, that was over years ago. We lose pets, the pain is from not having the closure.
I guess I just felt the need to be clear about that.
The pain I continue to have is not over the lost of the dog, that was over years ago. We lose pets, the pain is from not having the closure.
I guess I just felt the need to be clear about that.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 611
I think to say that you can't make amends if it hurts the other person makes the whole step pretty much impossible. People make amends because you hurt someone, so talking about it will bring back old pain for them and open old wounds......if you can't make amends with people because you may upset/hurt them then you would never make amends with anyone as this would prevent you from bringing up old harm with anyone you wronged.....just my take.....you did wrong, tell him do your best to make him see how sorry you are and if he hates you for what you did maybe that is the price we have to pay for our reckless actions....people deserve the truth either way.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
"except when to do so would injure them or others"
kinda means not to open an old wound that would make life worse for your friend......
kinda means not to open an old wound that would make life worse for your friend......
Last winter a member with over 20 years went out. One of the reasons he was back in town was to make amends to a woman who apprenently he lied to while married. (Said he was single.)
I couldn`t believe it when he told the group he actually went to the woman`s home to make the amends. Fortunately, she was out but her mother answered and told him to get lost.
Equalling disturbing was the speaker made it a point of giving the mother his business card. He wanted to show the woman he`s made something of myself.
Now, was this amends to right a wrong from years ago? Or more about making sure the woman knows his status?
And never mind the most obvious question: Suppose she`s married and the husband answered?
In the end he went to a nearby park, wrote her a letter and then burned it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
This is where I wish I had a dedicated sponsor! I also attend Al-Anon, and there are literally no men and I'm supposed to have a male sponsor. I used to have a woman who is about my mother's age as a sponsor, but she eventually pushed me to get a male sponsor.
I got a sponsor who covered all 3 - Al-anon, AA, and child of an alcoholic, but could only correspond over the phone (he lived several hundred miles away). He literally stopped returning my calls at one point. Still don't know what that was about.
Finding a sponsor has been extremely difficult for me.
(the situation was 20 years ago - I'm 37 now. it was not recklessness from drinking - it was truly an accident - my wrongdoing was not having the courage to tell my friend about it - he found out - just not through me)
I got a sponsor who covered all 3 - Al-anon, AA, and child of an alcoholic, but could only correspond over the phone (he lived several hundred miles away). He literally stopped returning my calls at one point. Still don't know what that was about.
Finding a sponsor has been extremely difficult for me.
(the situation was 20 years ago - I'm 37 now. it was not recklessness from drinking - it was truly an accident - my wrongdoing was not having the courage to tell my friend about it - he found out - just not through me)
Court jester
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 508
Originally Posted by thotful
(the situation was 20 years ago - I'm 37 now. it was not recklessness from drinking - it was truly an accident - my wrongdoing was not having the courage to tell my friend about it - he found out - just not through me)
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Being truly an accident, I believe your friend would take comfort from your admission and apology (see GracieLou's posts above). An offer to make amends (if only for failing to telling him about the accident) could only improve the chances of a successful resolution to the whole thing IMO.
Hope you find a sponsor soon.
Hope you find a sponsor soon.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
Though I am AA and get what the Step is supposed to be for, I've never seen my own amends as mainly for myself to alleviate any guilt or shame. They whined up being that in a round about way if effective of course but I see them as an attempt to heal pain or harm I've caused another. I think my modification of intent is okay because the explanation does incorporate not harming another.
I think dredging up a past grief so deep would be harmful which for me is the antithesis of amends. I would make this exception: If by some happenstance he brings his dog up, then I would seize that opportunity to tell him what happened and that I had made a donation to a pet shelter as a memorial but didn't want to open an old wound by telling him so at the time. I can't know the full situation though and would change my view if you or he desired a closer friendship but your memory of the accident prevents or stands in the way of that. Then, due to it being the source of a continuing degree of harm, I would address it with him letting him know you made the memorial donation.
Just let your own conscience be your guide... pray on it. I think 9 is actually one of the Steps that help us develop a long-lost conscience and that's done in already in the wanting. My apologies if I've repeated others... I didn't read the whole thread.
I think dredging up a past grief so deep would be harmful which for me is the antithesis of amends. I would make this exception: If by some happenstance he brings his dog up, then I would seize that opportunity to tell him what happened and that I had made a donation to a pet shelter as a memorial but didn't want to open an old wound by telling him so at the time. I can't know the full situation though and would change my view if you or he desired a closer friendship but your memory of the accident prevents or stands in the way of that. Then, due to it being the source of a continuing degree of harm, I would address it with him letting him know you made the memorial donation.
Just let your own conscience be your guide... pray on it. I think 9 is actually one of the Steps that help us develop a long-lost conscience and that's done in already in the wanting. My apologies if I've repeated others... I didn't read the whole thread.
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