Yankee73

I stupidly offered to take my dry-drunk-borderline-personality-disordered mother out to dinner tonight for her birthday. It has finally hit me that in a few hours, I will have to sit across a table from that self-absorbed, hyper-critical windbag. And of course, the place has a bar...

I will NOT blow almost 2 years of sobriety just to tune her out and make her "tolerable" because believe me, there isn't enough alcohol in the world to make that creature "tolerable"...

Just had to get this out there and out of my system before I ended up doing something stupid... my weakness is drinking at people and at 23.5 months, she'd love nothing more than to see me fail!

Cobalt

Please try your best not to slip or give in.

Two years is a hell of an achievement, and you don't want to waste it over an unpleasant evening.

Tomorrow it'll be over and you will have no reason to feel desperate anymore.

I wish you the best of luck.

Yankee73

I needed to write it out and see it in "black & white" so to speak. Sometimes I need a reminder of what can/could possibly trigger me. Sometimes, when I'm in a great mood, I forget just how much of a nut-job she really is.

That vile, hateful, withered old prune is not going to set me off into the nearest bottle!

Calitano

If I'm facing similar I find it helpful to do following things:
1. Have a clear exit strategy or boundary, i.e. make it clear that you're busy in the morning / have no time for post prandial drinks, bday toasts etc. Having a set time my mind always helps me with my internal dialogue
2. Know that if she feels like winding you up or starts looking for a reaction it'll be by trying to push all the buttons that she knows work with you / or have worked before. So make a list of these and keep reminding yourself to pause before replying or reacting. I wear a special (magic!) ring or bracelet sometimes just to keep me focused… Sounds extreme but it works.
3. Have one or two 'neutral' things to talk about - things in my life but not so personal that I will feel invaded or uncomfortable having them discussed. Good time killer and keeps things moving along with some semblance of normality.

You're not the only one with a narcissistic border line mother Yankee73
These days I basically stage manage all interactions, coat rarely comes off on visits, and sometimes I think that if I could leave the car engine running I would… More often than not I just say No. Drama is best left to the pros!

Dee74

why are you taking her out to dinner if you dislike her so much Yankee?

D

IOAA2

Hi.

A lot of years ago I learned a technique that helped me live a more sober life when confronted with a person I had difficulty with. Don’t laugh because it works a lot.

Pray for them!

BE WELL

MIRecovery

As much as I hate to admit it. It does work but it is really hard sometimes. All of us are broken. Some more than others. I can't change others but I can change myself

Gottalife

Lucky you. At least your mother is dry, unlike mine who has no hope at all. She (your mother) seemes to be suffering from alcoholism as well as a personality disorder. You obviously don't like the symptoms as they affect you, but isn't she a sick person just as you were. Wouldn't you desrve to be shown a little tolerance and kindness if you were this unwell?

Maybe one day she will want to change, many of us do. There is hope. Perhaps you can lead by example.

sleepie

Yankee why? Why do you remain in contact with her?
Have you read "Surviving a Borderline Parent"? It's very validating, and really opened my eyes. Maybe give it a read.

Above all, good for you for not drinking!

Mikie9

I am curious myself Yankee. I know it's your mom, but I cut my mom off as soon as she starts messing with my sobriety. She learned to leave her BS at home if she wants to have dinner with me. I love my mom, but she has issues and she understands now I won't be a part of them if she won't work on them, or at least leave them at home.

Not picking on you at all, just curious and sharing.

Bmac

I'm picking up that you have a general dislike for the old gal. LOL!

But seriously brother, you did the right thing venting. Keeping feelings like that in is never a good idea. I'm hoping that tonite does not push any buttons for you, but if it does, I have confidence that there is not a snowball's chance in hell you would risk what you have over it.

Good luck and keep us posted on the outcome.

chickippo

borderline personality disordered alcoholic here. I'm not a monster. maybe don't see your mother if you dislike her.

Yankee73

Thanks to everyone for their advice!

UPDATE: Made it through last night with my Sprite in hand...

The reason I "have to" deal with her right now is that I ended up homeless when I lost my job, reconciled with her and moved back home. I truly thought that I had been a horrible, difficult child and thought we could now have a relationship. Now I know better.

I will be moving out next month and am going "no contact". There is no way I could avoid taking her out to dinner unless I wanted to be in the direct path of one of her meltdowns. No thanks.

She knows exactly what she is doing. She is perfectly capable of behaving like a human being around everyone except me. I have been her scapegoat since I was born and she likes it that way. She has refused to take responsibility for any aspect of her life. She expects people to take care of her until she burns them out. As far as I'm concerned, she's reaping what she's sown. She deserves no sympathy from me.

I'm glad I posted this yesterday because now I can truly see that she is my biggest trigger. Getting my plans in place now.

sleepie

Good for you Yankee. Thanks for the update, good to know you stayed true! I understand and can relate to much of what you have said. NC is sadly the only option sometimes.