Cobalt

I just can't stand the feeling of being in my own skin. Doesn't anyone else feel this way? I ******* hate myself and I feel embarrassed for the stupid **** that I do and I want to crawl into a ball and die. I feel like this every day even when I haven't done anything wrong. I feel like I'm going insane.

Constantly slipping, constantly ******* myself. Constantly.

Shoot me again, I ain't dead yet.

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but sometimes when I come here I just feel like a fraud and I don't know why I bother with this site at all. I see everyone else's problems and it just makes me more depressed. I dismiss my issues as being less severe which they are, but I know in the end it is all the same. I'm having trouble telling the difference between reality and dreams. And everything I'm saying is fragmented and I don't want it to be.

I hate talking about myself but that's all I ever do. It makes me sick. I I I. ****.

When can I start a sentence that doesn't start with I? How can I meet new people? What is the ******* point?

I hate being around a lot of people, especially people I don't know. I am a loner and an introvert. I love my family but I don't like to be around them for extended periods of time. My parents are also getting on in their years and I know I have limited time with them but I squander it and waste opportunities for getting together with them.

I'm a walking contradiction and I know it. Just can't get out of the endless cycle. I slip I slip I slip. ****.

Please don't hate me, I already hate myself enough. I guess I am paranoid and delusional, but I honestly haven't felt more desperate. I'm not trying to find pity. I'm just trying to find myself.

I apologize for the vulgarity of my post but I can't stand to keep it all in anymore. I don't want to start any fights here. Please don't take anything I said personally.

kinzoku

This a supportive environment, we ain't here to judge. It's also a place where its ok to be selfish and self centered. I like that about SR. We are encouraged to be selfish about our recovery, because ultimately it is whats necessary, to focus on the self. Sometimes its like...I'm in a room with me and a bottle. I can pick it up or not, but there is no-one else. Does that make any sense?

If none of that makes sense all I'm trying to say is that you should feel safe here to unburden, to be honest, to yourself, to us. Its what SR is for.

Now, friend, how is your today?

Dee74

Hi Colbalt

I felt that way for 30 years. It took me a while to work though that...and to work through it I needed to be sober first.

I could never work through anything drunk because alcohol fuelled my self hatred and despair.

what things have you been doing for your recovery?

D

neferkamichael

Cobalt, I believe most of us can relate to how you feel. I hated myself for 25 years or so because I was an addict to numerous chemical substances. Please just never give up, I didn't and now 4 years 9 months sober after drinking for 40+ years. SR is about the best place there is to get started, rootin for ya.

huntingtontx

Don't give up. We are all here and proof it does get better. Alcohol is a depressant and causes things to be worse then they seem. No one is here to judge you. You can do this, and it does get better.

Soberwolf

You can do this here is a very helpful guide to help you writing up a new sober plan http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

In this together you dont have to be chained down by alcohol, break the chains friend

IOAA2

Hi.
I believe most alcoholics can identify with most of your post. It shows what needs attention after we stop drinking and can focus on long term recovery.

A couple of things I needed was being honest with myself about my drinking and accept myself as is and the fact I could not drink in safety. Then the work on changing began.

Today I can say I’m comfortable in my own skin most of the time.

BE WELL

aasharon90

I didn't choose recovery at first. It was
my family and the court system that got
me thru the doors to stop the insanity
that comes along with an addiction.

24 yrs ago I spent 28 days in rehab,
the first 2 weeks because I had to, then
the remaining weeks because I wanted
to.

I didn't understand the recovery lingo
or the process of how to stay sober a
day at a time, but I learned how it works
by keeping an open mind and willingness
to the information a program of recovery
was teaching me.

Today, I can look back on my darkness
and where I was, deep in despair, lost,
lonely, misunderstood, etc. not knowing
what the future held for me. Then it was
taught to me that in order to remain sober
all I needed to do is stay in the day.

Yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn't
come yet. That I learn from past experiences
but don't have to live in it. If I could and
would stay in the day and apply the teachings
of a recovery program to my everyday life
then my chances to remain sober was reachable.

Once I completed 28 days in rehab and my
6 week aftercare program, then I needed
to begin applying what I learned to start
building a solid, strong recovery foundation
to live upon each day I remained sober.

I opened my ears and listened as my
life depended on it. I sat in a many many
meetings because it was the one place
I felt safe and secure, understood, cared
about and accepted. I sat, listened intentively,
absorbing what I heard that made sense.

It took time to finally inderstood what so
many before me had learned themselves
in order to remain sober, healthy and happy
for many one days at a time down the road.

I didn't like everything I heard or didn't
relate, BUT, if I did hear things that I could
connect with then I looked for that one, 2,
or more people to focus on each day I went
to listen and learn from.

I sat near these folks, glued to them eagerly
listening as I wanted so much what they had.
It was these folks I wanted to live like in
recovery. Many of these folks had no idea
that I soooo appreciated listening and learning
from them. They in my heart, soul and mind
became my sponsors without them ever knowing
it.

If these folks brought their Big Books everyday
to meetings, then I did too. If they read from it
quoting certain phrases then with my highlighter,
I marked them in my own book. You should see
my big book today. It is used, marked in, recovered,
filled with so much teachings that saved me from
picking up poison to kill myself.

I never felt alone in recovery because I
am like so many with addiction in common
and a common purpose to remain sober
or clean.

There are some AWESOME PROMISES
mentioned in that Big Book that I read
so often and over time began to come
true Gifts in recovery to enjoy just by
living a sober life in recovery.

It's all there for you free for the taking
just as long as you remain openminded,
willing, and honest while incorporating
steps and principle to live by one day
at a time.

Recovery may not seem possible at the
moment, just like it seemed for me 24
yrs ago. Today, I, like so many, are the
hope for the future in recovery.

We can remain or wallow in our misery,
or we can grow in recovery and become
the best person we possibly be to ourselves
and others around us.

zjw

I dont like the old looking at other peoples problems and shortcomings in an attempt to feel better about my own misery. I think its a crap approach. I know its so common you hear oh it could be worse look at bob and his problems be thankful for yours. I get it its like yeah well F bob F U my problems are big and real and it doesnt matter who i compare them too they still stink.

The answer for me seems to not focus on them so much. dont feed into it. Focus on more positive things and no bob and his problems that are worse then yours are not positive things. What might be positive however is to step in and try and help bob with his problems that might help you feel better about yourself But using his problems and short comings to feel better about yours doesnt really offer long term relief that i've found anyhow. Compassion for bob helps more so. Gratitude for what you have more so.

I know the talking about yourself bit. I have that problem. I talk about me myself and I entirely too much. and I'm trying hard these days to stop that and try and ask the other person how there doing or listen to what they have to say even if i wanna.

All i can say about that is practice. for me I just keep trying. I hope i'll get better about it. I tell myself a lot "its not about you" and its tough to swallow that because on one hand thats depressing it can make me feel small that i'm so insignificant that this life around me is not about me that i'm somehow nothing. But on the other hand its rather a statement of humility. I do what i do not for me but for everyone else I'm trying to make sure i'm giving everything of myself that i can away to those around me to help them etc.. so i can be less self centered. and less focused on me.

Latte

I live by the adage, "be kind; you never know what someone else is dealing with."

AA/NA are programs where you do this one day at a time. There is a reason for that. Many of us get overwhelmed when we try to take over our own lives and that sets us up for relapse and hatred. I'm not saying everyone-just some. Just a few cents for you to ponder.

SoberCAH

You are no fraud, amigo - not even close.

You couldn't be any more honest.

And honesty is a key to attaining and keeping sobriety.

Thanks for having the courage to articulate the way we all feel from time to time.

Gottalife

Do you think you might give AA a try?

Eddiebuckle

Cobalt,

I don't hate you, I identify. I remember what it was like, and I can tell you that not only is it possible to get from there to here, it is worth all the **** it took to finally commit 100%. Is it easy? No. But this life that I now live is so far beyond my original hopes, it makes me shake my head in wonder at how small my world had become.

Ours is a disease of loneliness that we try to cure with isolation. Keep reaching out, to hide only digs a deeper hole. You can do this.

silentrun

I've been there.

gleefan

Cobalt - I can relate to your pain and confusion. I think recovery opened up for me the minute I realized I needed to focus on myself, that it was not just ok, but necessary for healing. I look forward to hearing more about your progress.

Mac1

I'll second that.

Your honesty shines out.
And with that your despair.

I've been where you are and stayed there for a very long time.
I couldn't see a way out.

But time - sober time, has changed my whole outlook on life.

Being honest and open is a great, probably essential starting point to recovery and you are doing that very well. Good luck

Para

I have always dealt with being uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm an introvert. Although I like to be with people, I also, need to recharge my energy with some alone time or time with close family and friends. To be an extrovert (someone I am not, I'd drink). I'm learning to accept me for who I am now. It's not easy. But It is who I am, and there are millions in the world like me. I don't need to be the life of the party.
And that is so freeing.

Ruby2

I never felt comfortable in my own skin and I still read everything I write thinking "how many times can I write "i" in a sentence? It's a conundrum. I identify a lot with what you wrote because that was my life for a very, very long time. It has gotten better. Part of it is that I'm sober and have been working on my sobriety. Part of it is age. Guess I finally got to an age where I don't much give a flying eff what people think. Within reason, obviously. But I own my opinions and skills and personality in a way that I could never tune into when I was drinking because the alcohol induced depression drowned it out.

No one hates you. Many of us have been exactly where you're at and its rough. I wish you peace.