tresgatos

Hi everyone,

I have been alcohol free 4 years, 3 months and 11 days (I have an iphone app that counts the days, that's how I know).

Sober then, right?

Or not?

I am taking a benzo, I have been weaning down for a very long time and it has been HELL, I was only on a therapeutic dose which is within the recommended dosage for MILD ANXIETY and yet getting off this stuff has at time made me feel almost suicidal with extreme anxiety and depression because of it.

I have this internal struggle, I was happy and doing great in AA before I started tapering the med (which I have been on for years) and that is when things went down hill and fast, in fact I have been too ill to even attend AA ever since.

I am now down to the equivalent of 2.8mg Valium, so this is super low now but having been on the drug for so many years, tapering has made my life utterly miserable and I have been incredibly ill as a result.

I wanted to be active in AA and not be on my anxiety med, I know that the use of mind altering drugs is frowned upon and the obsessive in me says "you're not sober as you are on a benzo" and the other part of me says that quality of life is important and to not listen to anyone in AA who tells me "you need to get off that ****"

I know there is a pamphlet on meds but for the life of me I cannot stop beating myself up about this and have not been back to AA since.

Prior to tapering life was good, no anxiety, I got a sponsor, was taking the train out of town to meetings, life was getting good and I had a lot of optimism for the future but then as soon as I decided I needed to get off my med, I have not even been able to function in life, for a whole year I was pretty much bedridden with anxiety.

Now I am lower in dose, I cannot get any lower without massive anxiety and I have been advised by my Doctor to reinstate half way and start on another drug for I have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder).

I know there are hardcore AA's that stick with the view that unless one is off all meds, then you're not sober, I understand that viewpoint but at the same time I cannot help but wonder what the point is in being miserable when there is no need to be, I have NO quality of life as things are now and I am starting to resent the fact that I am not even well enough to attend meetings, I have lost a ton of weight and look like crap and I am struggling with the whole "sober" deal.

Again, taken as prescribed, I was on the equivalent of 12mg Valium for many years, I do not abuse the drug but it does help me function, shop, get out the house, make meetings, eat well etc etc... yet a part of me says "nope, you're not sober despite the fact you have not had any alcohol for over 4 years"...

I know for a fact there are people in AA that are happy and living a good and productive life yet take Klonopin or whatever... I know that many of these people will guard that and call themselves sober, yet why can't I just concentrate on staying away from drink and give myself a break?

You know, I was all for working the steps and had high hopes of a better life but now I am wondering if this is taking it to the extreme, we only get one life as far as we know and mine has been rubbish for 3.5 years now... because I want to be a perfect AA...

I don't think there will ever be a clear cut answer here, there are alkies that cannot take benzo's without eating a whole bottle over a weekend or whatever, then there are those that take responsibly and as directed, this is not a denial statement but I was a binge drinker once a fortnight in the evening, I was never full on but I knew a long time ago I was alcoholic because I cannot drink like a normal person, I would have my first drink and be thinking of the second one... you know the deal.

Anyway, this is like a huge dilemma to me and has been for ages, yet I can't say that my "med free" goal is working out at all well and I am starting to think that life is too short to strive for this perfect ideal, if I had abuse issues with the drug I would fess up but I really don't have (try partying on Librium, it's just not possible).

I see BOTH sides to this but I am also aware that some AA's do have mental health issues (as I clearly do) and would like some feed back, I have been as honest as I can be here.

Thoughts please.

JaneLane

I attend AA meetings and I take anti depressants. I also took benzos a couple of years ago when I was going through a withdrawal. When I've relapsed since then, I've just stuck with the antidepressants. I don't consider myself using just because I'm on medication. I'm sober and that's what I want to achieve. Sobriety. In an ideal world i wouldn't need medication, or have any health problems or be an alcoholic...but if something is working for you, then stick with it. My meds work for me, so regardless of what anyone else might say in AA or elsewhere, I don't care and I don't appreciate anyone passing judgment especially when it's clearly making you feel upset and conflicted. You're in recovery! This is a vulnerable time, you don't need to be criticised for what's right for you! Personally I would never say anything negative about someone's recovery. It can have such massive effects on someone's self esteem and I feel it kind of closes down that openness that should be so important in AA. If you can't be relaxed and open in the rooms, then it's not going to help.

sleepie

I think if it is prescribed, you don't abuse it and follow doctor's orders you are fine. It's tough getting off of it and I applaud you for doing so. I am there with you. Much lower dosage though, and getting off of them. You can do this. You are doing yourself a favor in the long run. Just slow taper and listen to your doctor.

sleepie

Please don't forsake AA if it worked for you because of this.

tresgatos

In some ways I have thrown away 3.5 years of my life to getting off this med and it is absolute Hell, I can't honestly say that my life is better now because I am trying to do this "properly"... yet to have GAD or depression and not treat it seems to me to be unreasonable, I want to be back in AA but I do not want to be judged by others for being on anything because, like in all organizations, there are the zealots and quite frankly, it can be downright dangerous for some people to quit their medication. I have a hard enough time being on it as it is without anyone telling me that my sobriety date is null and void... This is not an ideal life at the best of times and some of us have very real problems other than that we are alcoholic to boot.

I still have this conflict but I am starting to think I am a bit mad to be pursuing this "perfect state", it's not very realistic for some of us and surely at the end of the day quality of life should be a priority, I stand a much greater chance at staying away from drink if I can manage my anxiety, I am not in this in the masochistic sense, I deserve to have a quality of life and if that means I need my medication then so be it, it is not how I wanted this to be but I have to accept that with my condition, it is more than likely not going to happen any time soon.

Bh28

Only take recommended prescribed doses by your doctor. They will help you withdraw safely but they are depressants. Don't overdose.

tresgatos

I was almost suicidal with the withdrawals last week, in a bad way and so I am holding my dose here, I am not sure where to go from here, Doc says to increase some to get stable but I am staying put, no way can I taper more at the moment, the anxiety makes me want to run into a busy road, I kid you not, it just isn't worth it.

Thanks Sleepie.

Bh28

Don't know where you're located but if in England dial 111 or 999. Emergency services.

I've been their many times.

tresgatos

I was only ever on a dose within the mild anxiety prescribing guidelines, never more, up to 40mg Librium daily, I was on 30mg... not a tiny dose but not large either, for severe anxiety the maximum dose daily is 100mg.

I am nowhere near overdose risk, I am almost down to 7mg now and it has been the hardest thing ever but I cannot risk tapering myself into a nervous breakdown, people take their lives quitting these drugs so I am being very careful, no point in all of this if I wound up doing something stupid... kind of defeats the object of recovery.

tresgatos

Sorry to hear that Bh28... I pretty much know that feeling.

Thanks for your feed back.

Bh28

No worries. Stay safe. It's a dangerous game.

jaynie04

Listen and work with your doctor, and keep your doctor in the loop about your recovery. There is no such thing as perfect AA. There are people on SR with excellent sobriety who take benzos as prescribed under the care of their doctor.

I detoxed from alcohol, klonopin and Ambien 2 summers ago. There was a time when I took the drugs for very legitimate reasons, there were times I used the drugs for the wrong reasons. I absolutely knew the difference each time. Trust your own instincts and your doctor.

sleepie

Tresgatos, I understand. My doctor tapered me off way, way too quickly a few years back. I was hospitalized for attempting suicide.

It's difficult. I have a neurological condition- my brain is pretty much wired to be anxious.

I hear you.

Personally I would still prefer to be off them because of the inevitable addiction and tolerance requiring higher dosages.

If you truly feel you need these drugs, work closely with your doctor. Keep it to yourself in AA, you already know people will disagree with you. "take what you can, leave the rest" is something I heard at AA. Maybe you can practice this.

JeffreyAK

Sounds like you decided to taper a medically prescribed long-term dose on your own in response to a perception of people in AA looking down their noses at your sobriety? If so, please just ignore what they think, they are not doctors. In fact no one but you and your doctor needs to know anything about your prescribed medications taken as directed. If you strongly want to get off your meds, or substitute something else, please do work with medical doctors and not amateurs, but it ought to be your decision for your own reasons, not a response to what so-and-so thinks.

Carlotta

I am in AA and we are not physicians. If you need the medicine and take it as prescribed then keep doing so.. You don't take it to get high, you don't take more than you are supposed to so if it is not broken, why fix it and put yourself at risk of serious mental health problems?
Here is the link to the conference approved AA pamphlet
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-11_...ersMedDrug.pdf

and here is an excerpt which I feel is relevant to you

Andante

I had a long response all typed out and ready to copy and paste, but I'm going to amend it to simply ^^^ "What Carlotta Said" ^^^

I will add that I take Ativan occasionally as prescribed for anxiety, and I don't feel that it compromises my sobriety in any way. If anything, being relieved of the crippling effects of the anxiety symptoms facilitates my making more meaningful progress in my recovery.

SolitaryThinker

This was true for me as well, for 10 years I was trying AA and NA, rehabs and all of that...I ended up having a seizure in my yard from doing ketamine and went to a hospital, and then an actual facility and was put on suicide watch. Fast forward a bit and I was finally Told I was bipolar and not just depressed and a substance abuser...I have been on a mix of anti depressants and mood stabilizers for half a year now and my life has made a complete 180..,in a short amount of time I got sober, moved out of my codependant situation, and got a new car...all things that seemed impossible prior...before medication I could barely make it 3 days without a drink or drug. I don't really like counting the days honestly, I just see it as "old me" and "sorta new me". Putting the number on it adds and element of pressure on me that I don't like. It's bad that Aa discourages people of this cause if I listened to them I probably wouldent be here right now...<3

SolitaryThinker

If the medication is being used properly and not as a crutch then I would suggest sticking with it

SolitaryThinker

AA is not bull either it works for many many many people. In my personal opinion it's just dated a bit but it's proven effective. I personally think it works better for "faith based" people, and not necessarily religious cause religion and faith are two different things. It's works for people that need others and a sense of community to help them out of the rut they are in. Many times peoples addictions have gotten them to a point where literally 0 people in their life will talk or speak to them, and that's why AA is a good thing. I'll be flat out and honest, other people annoy me, for the most part, and even before I got bad with my use I was the kinda person to kinda walk my own path and not the one showed to me...and why I think Aa was such a turn off to me, but there are various other forms of secular and "new age" type methods of treatment...do a bit of reading and exploring on the internet and this site as well to see what type does (or at least dosent) work for you.

Bmac

BINGO! Well said.

I have a PRN script for a benzo. I take less than perscribed daily, especially since getting sober, but I do take them. I too have anxiety and OCD issues. I am no martyr for AA. If I need meds, I take them. The only thing I will never do is drink again.