Resentment... against an AA Group
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NY
Posts: 3
Resentment... against an AA Group
I have this building resentment - and I know I need to let it go.
In 2008 I came back to AA (I initially was sober 95-98), and since I've been in and out. I am finally coming up on a year. Well, a group I go to hosts 4 meetings a week. One of those meetings is the first one I attended coming back, it's a Thursday night step meeting. I guess I have an emotional attachment to the meeting, I've seen a lot of people come and go and the person who used to be the chair became a friend that has since passed away (he was sober for 17 years on his passing). So just that history I felt an attachment to the group.
A couple years ago the group fell on hard times, and was struggling to keep going. I chipped in, and we turned down a Primary Purpose format to keep the meeting as it is - a 12&12 based meeting. For a while things went well, but there was some tension between the membership and I had to step away from the group because my wife's work schedule meant I had to stay home that night.
Well, they kept it going for the past year or so my wife was working, but they finally declared it inactive. I also found out they want to change it to a primary purpose group again and I have this resentment over it - and it's not a small resentment.
Why?
I guess I feel part of the failure of the meeting is mine. I do have an emotional attachment, and my feelings are borderline childish. It's like king baby has risen in me and if I can't have the meeting my way I will take my ball and go home.
This is so crazy - I've come so far in recovery. For the first time in many years of false starts and half measures I've worked the steps in my life and the obsession has been lifted. However, I'm having an issue with this? Of all things? I've had 3 deaths in the family, including my mother. I've had serious financial debts... I've had 2 sons diagnosed autism.. and I didn't blink an eye... Now I'm ready to raise hell over sour grapes.
The funny thing is, I have it all planned out in my head... now that my wife is no longer working that night, I am going to go behind their backs, and start the meeting up but split it from their group - and bring it back to the glory it once was! Oh how sick I am! lol
What's the old saying, all you need to start an AA meeting is a resentment and a coffee pot?
I don't really expect any advice here - but if anyone can relate feel free to let me know your experiences with resentments in recovery. Especially inane ones.
In 2008 I came back to AA (I initially was sober 95-98), and since I've been in and out. I am finally coming up on a year. Well, a group I go to hosts 4 meetings a week. One of those meetings is the first one I attended coming back, it's a Thursday night step meeting. I guess I have an emotional attachment to the meeting, I've seen a lot of people come and go and the person who used to be the chair became a friend that has since passed away (he was sober for 17 years on his passing). So just that history I felt an attachment to the group.
A couple years ago the group fell on hard times, and was struggling to keep going. I chipped in, and we turned down a Primary Purpose format to keep the meeting as it is - a 12&12 based meeting. For a while things went well, but there was some tension between the membership and I had to step away from the group because my wife's work schedule meant I had to stay home that night.
Well, they kept it going for the past year or so my wife was working, but they finally declared it inactive. I also found out they want to change it to a primary purpose group again and I have this resentment over it - and it's not a small resentment.
Why?
I guess I feel part of the failure of the meeting is mine. I do have an emotional attachment, and my feelings are borderline childish. It's like king baby has risen in me and if I can't have the meeting my way I will take my ball and go home.
This is so crazy - I've come so far in recovery. For the first time in many years of false starts and half measures I've worked the steps in my life and the obsession has been lifted. However, I'm having an issue with this? Of all things? I've had 3 deaths in the family, including my mother. I've had serious financial debts... I've had 2 sons diagnosed autism.. and I didn't blink an eye... Now I'm ready to raise hell over sour grapes.
The funny thing is, I have it all planned out in my head... now that my wife is no longer working that night, I am going to go behind their backs, and start the meeting up but split it from their group - and bring it back to the glory it once was! Oh how sick I am! lol
What's the old saying, all you need to start an AA meeting is a resentment and a coffee pot?
I don't really expect any advice here - but if anyone can relate feel free to let me know your experiences with resentments in recovery. Especially inane ones.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I can relate a bit. I have seen one or two groups go down paths I didn't like, but my reason was generally tradition based. In line with that I am a big fan of tradition one, our common welfare must come first. I am real happy to just be a part of the group. I have never felt that issues such as formats are suitable subjects for politics or competition. I like to participate in the discussion and then think about whatever the new idea is and how it might fit with the traditions, especially about how well or even if any change would make us more effective at carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
The overall goal is consensus rather than tyranny of the majority. One of the concepts, the minority right of appeal should be a help to you in this regard. The fellowship has long since recognised that the majority can sometimes be wrong, ano this concept allows for the subject to be revisited.
My home group for many years was badly affected by a natural disaster a few years ago. We had to move venues several times and we ended up a small group of long timers, but with no newcomers attending. We reached a point where we realised among ourselves that our group no longer kept the fifth tradition, so we voted unanimously to close it down and go and support other meetings. Not what I wanted, but it was the right thing to do for the newcomer.
I started a primary purpose group a couple of years ago, after quite a bit of research. My research found the ppg idea was quite a lot more than a meeting format. An important element was of course the big book study material, and I have found that very helpful, but the other element that is often forgotten is that the group is supposed to put what it learns into action. Primary purpose groups are usually very active in in carrying the message and thier members benefit a great deal if they chose to get involved in this work.
12 and 12 meetings tend to talk about the steps and they a pretty good for deepening the knowledge and understanding of those who have taken the steps. But most that I have been to don't tend to do much else.
That old idea about keeping an open mind might apply. Maybe some questions might be in order. What's is the groups intent? Will it be more active or effective in carrying the message if it changes? will it be of greater value to its members? Will there be increased opportunities of remembers to experience the full benefits of AA through the new approach?
What are the downsides? And maybe a little prayer, what would God want me to do, should I help the group, or should I walk away?
The cup of coffee and a resentment is all that's needed to start a new meeting seems to be very true around AA, but it is quite sad to see its damaging effects when a meeting is started just in reaction to some resentment. Each group is autonomous except in matters affecting other groups, and many meetings are started with the deliberate intention of damaging another group. I won't have a bar of that. It was 32 years before I started my first meeting, and when I did I was certain there was a need for it and that it would not damage other groups.
I hope you find something in these comments that helps. I don't want to tell you what to do, I'd be bound to get it wrong. The main thing I would suggest is to try and look at it from the point of view of tradition five.
The overall goal is consensus rather than tyranny of the majority. One of the concepts, the minority right of appeal should be a help to you in this regard. The fellowship has long since recognised that the majority can sometimes be wrong, ano this concept allows for the subject to be revisited.
My home group for many years was badly affected by a natural disaster a few years ago. We had to move venues several times and we ended up a small group of long timers, but with no newcomers attending. We reached a point where we realised among ourselves that our group no longer kept the fifth tradition, so we voted unanimously to close it down and go and support other meetings. Not what I wanted, but it was the right thing to do for the newcomer.
I started a primary purpose group a couple of years ago, after quite a bit of research. My research found the ppg idea was quite a lot more than a meeting format. An important element was of course the big book study material, and I have found that very helpful, but the other element that is often forgotten is that the group is supposed to put what it learns into action. Primary purpose groups are usually very active in in carrying the message and thier members benefit a great deal if they chose to get involved in this work.
12 and 12 meetings tend to talk about the steps and they a pretty good for deepening the knowledge and understanding of those who have taken the steps. But most that I have been to don't tend to do much else.
That old idea about keeping an open mind might apply. Maybe some questions might be in order. What's is the groups intent? Will it be more active or effective in carrying the message if it changes? will it be of greater value to its members? Will there be increased opportunities of remembers to experience the full benefits of AA through the new approach?
What are the downsides? And maybe a little prayer, what would God want me to do, should I help the group, or should I walk away?
The cup of coffee and a resentment is all that's needed to start a new meeting seems to be very true around AA, but it is quite sad to see its damaging effects when a meeting is started just in reaction to some resentment. Each group is autonomous except in matters affecting other groups, and many meetings are started with the deliberate intention of damaging another group. I won't have a bar of that. It was 32 years before I started my first meeting, and when I did I was certain there was a need for it and that it would not damage other groups.
I hope you find something in these comments that helps. I don't want to tell you what to do, I'd be bound to get it wrong. The main thing I would suggest is to try and look at it from the point of view of tradition five.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
I had to quit AA in order to grow up. Recovering from 12-step addiction was nearly as hard as the booze but done the same way--I just don't go. Life unfolds just fine and answers come of their own accord. Best of all? Nobody to blame or be mad at. I'm accountable and that my friend is what being an adult is all about.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I am a little confused.
You say the meeting is inactive so I assume that means they are no longer meeting? Or do you mean the original format (PP) is no longer active but the 12&12 remains?
Around these parts we have meetings that are indicated as FF (Floating Format). That means that each week or every other week the format of the meeting changes. Is this something that may be doable?
Have the first week a 12&12 and the next a PP, then a 12&12 again. Have it rotate?
After a couple months you can determine which meetings seem to have the most activity and then you could vote to change to that format going forward.
It may be a win/win for both. At least that way you and they can get a chance to weight the options out. It may change to one or it can remain both.
I find that when I want my way I have the tendency not to look at how it will effect ALL of the people, not just the other HG members. I have to go farther and reflect on how it will effect the people coming to the meeting whether just regulars or newcomers.
You say the meeting is inactive so I assume that means they are no longer meeting? Or do you mean the original format (PP) is no longer active but the 12&12 remains?
Around these parts we have meetings that are indicated as FF (Floating Format). That means that each week or every other week the format of the meeting changes. Is this something that may be doable?
Have the first week a 12&12 and the next a PP, then a 12&12 again. Have it rotate?
After a couple months you can determine which meetings seem to have the most activity and then you could vote to change to that format going forward.
It may be a win/win for both. At least that way you and they can get a chance to weight the options out. It may change to one or it can remain both.
I find that when I want my way I have the tendency not to look at how it will effect ALL of the people, not just the other HG members. I have to go farther and reflect on how it will effect the people coming to the meeting whether just regulars or newcomers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
That Step 4 resentment prayer's pretty good y'know. (I use it a LOT!)
Do you think the resentment might be linked to grieving for your friend? Who are you mad at? Yourself and others who didn't attend so it could keep going, or the people who (presumably) had the vote at the conscience meeting and decided to close it? Is ot possible that it's actually just feeling sad rather than resentful?
Hope you feel better soon. Nothing worse than a stubborn resentment.
Do you think the resentment might be linked to grieving for your friend? Who are you mad at? Yourself and others who didn't attend so it could keep going, or the people who (presumably) had the vote at the conscience meeting and decided to close it? Is ot possible that it's actually just feeling sad rather than resentful?
Hope you feel better soon. Nothing worse than a stubborn resentment.
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