Ichi

Hi all,

I've not drank today but have had a really bad month. I was 9 months sober (I was smoking weed tho) and stupidly drank again and it hasn't taken long at all for me to be back at square one. Drunk in work. Drinking for days until I am so sick I can't drink anymore. I had my fingers down my throat all Friday night not from any eating disorder but to get that vile nauseous feeling out of my stomach which feels like it will only go away after puking your guts up. Was so dehydrated I HAD to drink water even though I knew it would come straight back up.

I've been here before so many times though and I never seem to learn my lesson or learn how to handle life straight on without going back to booze and weed. It is the most depressing loop to be in as it just dictates everything. Even in the periods when I am sober my life revolves around not drinking and staying sober. When I'm not drinking I isolate. But then this isolation leads back to me feeling so hopeless and excluded that I hit the **** it button and end up back in the loop.

I've ended up so isolated at this stage and I used to have so many friends but they all grew up I guess and are onto their second kids now never mind first. For the first time I feel really aware of my age and the fact that at 36 things are going nowhere and I've been on this merry-go-round forever. I totally understand if people have lost faith at this stage. I go to a unit for alcohol problems near where I live but have avoided AA for the usual reasons even though I know it does help some people despite their problems with the not very subtle religious undercurrent. I have to sort this out though. I am so sick of living like this but just cannot seem to 'get it' the way some people do who manage to stop.

Hope this isn't too meandering. I'm just feeling stupidly low today and really hopeless. Are there any people around who took forever to 'get it' before they finally got sober and if so any tips?! I'm desperate.

Che

Sounds like you need to sit down and think about what your plan is for when you're have a bad day or week or month.

Sometimes you can't wait till stuff happens to think of what to do about it, because it's too hard to think when you're miserable.

If you think of something, write it down and then look at that the next time you're having a rough time, and see if you can do that instead of drugs. Try to think of something you can do even if you're upset, and that might make you feel a little better. Lots of people find what they really need is fresh air and exercise, when they need to take their minds off something.

Ichi

Thanks Che - I just don't seem to be able to keep myself out of going into the mental hole where everything I know just flies out the window and I don't care. All the usual stuff takes over - it's hopeless, I'm not happy anyway, this will all be over in X amount of years anyway and won't mean anything. We'll all be in the ground. Obviously it does matter in my little life though as I am still here and feeling the consequences. It is just so hard to keep that clarity. Hope everyone out there is OK today. I know posts like this can end up seeming super self-absorbed!

lycanlaz

You don't sound self absorbed.... If there's anywhere you can talk about this shitand not feel like that, id hope its here ...understand getting your fingers down your throat to avoid the nausea, id rather heave than feel that...i do it, so I get it yeah

Ichi

Thanks lycanlaz In all the stuff I've read down the years that was the one thing I hadn't seen many in fact any people mention. I feel really guilty today for putting my body through that again. I remember several years ago taking photos of the blood and bile I'd brought up after a similar session after I'd completely poisoned myself on bender that went on for a few weeks and I ended up in hospital but memory is such a poor thing to rely on. Amazing how you can just put this stuff out of your mind and carry on again. Madness.

Wholesome

Ichi I drank myself sick on Friday too only I actually puked on Saturday in a parking lot that I had to pull into..... I also never learn my lesson. It is indeed madness.

Soberwolf

Welcome Ichi

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-features.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

dwtbd

Ichi
A little thing that turned into a really big thing for me was when I stopped thinking about trying to 'stay' sober and instead decided to not drink. It may sound like not much, but think on it a little. It surely can't hurt
wish you well and you got this if you want it

StormiNormi

"Are there any people around who took forever to 'get it' before they finally got sober and if so any tips?! I'm desperate."

Yup, that is me, 8 years later. If millions can do this, so can we. I am trying to figure out what "I am not getting". But I have faith if I keep searching, I will find it.

Hope you are doing better.

Ichi

Hope you feel better today zenchaser

Ichi

I really hope so. I'm just feeling really fed up and bored of myself at this stage. I don't even expect anyone to believe me at this stage. They've seen how ill I've been and all the things that have suffered, been lost and the resulting promises to never do this to myself again and hey presto I always manage to mess it up. I really wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's a miserable way to live and I feel so envious at times of people who can just drink socially or even go on big sessions every now and then but manage to come back and not have it completely take over. Obviously that is pointless and irrational - it's not their problem and no amount of wishing it away is going to sort it out. Hope you manage to find some peace too

Ichi

It's on the list. I'll try anything at this stage. Thanks

arieslee

i can totally relate ichi i just turned 32 and got back into my old ways and i have been isolating myself from friends i grew up with because .That's all they do they work and come home and hit the tavern or bar for a few or just pound them down at home like i do after a day at work .Its so easy to drink and thinking about it is so easy but actually doing it is the obstacle . I remember last week waking up hung over i told myself the night before that i was going to get up early enough to wake up for breakfast before work . I winded up just hitting the snooze button till 15 mins before i had to be out the door .i remember just waking up like wtf am i doing with myself its just passing me by and im back at home .everyone i know is out on there own and has been out on there own some are purchasing homes themselves .I been out on my own but have had to come back .Now im stuck i just let alot of priorities fall by the waste line and ive just about had it .It is hard to quit though but im in the same boat with you i guess the one constant thing i been hearing is take it a day at a time and dont think about it .

Chrissy2014

Hi Ichi,
It's been a a few hours since your last post and I 'm just reading through the thread now. Are you ok? Hope you got a few zzzs and have a slightly change of heart, it's challenging but not impossible to move forward. Wishing you peace.

trachemys

Ichi-san, throw down your crutch, open your eyes, live.

Che

Sometimes you can't worry what other people are thinking, because it can turn into a really negative force that puts a lot of pressure on you.

Sometimes you have to put a serious effort into being your own positive force. I think that many people who suffer from alcoholism don't give enough credit to how much dealing with other problems like depression and anxiety can go to making drugs easier to quit. Not that those problems are easy to deal with, but in my opinion it's best to figure out what the real sources of your frustrations are, and to deal with them directly, rather than to deal with things that are symptoms, which is what alcoholism really is.

You may need to ask yourself what precisely the things are that make you feel like giving up, and to make concrete plans about how you achieve your goals. I know you don't feel young at 36, but you can do a lot in 20, 30, 40 years. You can learn new skills and meet new people that don't know anything about you.

Life can be really hard. I hope you'll find something you like doing that can pull you out of this cycle.

waynetheking

Ichi, alcohol is not as powerful as u think it is. Heres my advice on how to quit drinking and surviving this deadly disease known as alcoholism. Don't drink one day at a time. Right now don't worry about the life u think you're going have without alcohol. Because that perception will change throughout your sobriety. All u need to do is quit for 1 day. Its that simple. The depression will eventually go away. At least it did for me. Heres the really good news. With each day u go without alcohol it gets easier the next day. U said u went 9 months without drinking. Well it takes that long to develop new habits. U have to take action ad well. Do things that don't involve drinking. And just my advice, ditch the pot. That will only slow the benefits of sobriety. Good luck to you. Go one day at time. Pray. One day u will wake up and say to yourself, I don't have to drink today. I have a life!

sober4

Find a sponsor, work the steps. I am 5 years sober and now work with the same group that got me to stay sober. Sobriety is not free you have to work on it every min. of every day sometimes. But it will happen. At some point you look back and say wow 100 days and it just feels last week. It just like your school/job or anything else you wanted. you have to work for it.

fini

Ichi,
you joined here ten years ago, so i'm guessing you knew there was a "lesson" you wanted/needed to learn already a decade ago.
eight posts later, i'm wondering if you've added anything to or changed anything in whatever your efforts might have been ten years ago to change direction?

bigsombrero

Good luck Ichi,

It took me a while too. They always say that those first few days are really the hardest, and I found that to be true. Just "surviving" Days 1-5 is a real challenge. There is something inside our heads that starts scrambling like mad - we like to call it "boredom" but it's much different than that. We use the boredom excuse to drink again and again, and we end up the next morning at square one again.

I think the key is to prepare yourself for a couple nights of "boredom". Relax. Buy some sweets and popcorn and download a few movies. Don't flip out because you're not out with your buddies or out at a bar or drinking home alone. Just live with it. Bite the bullet and start to get a routine down. I also used marijuana as a substitute for about 9 months and found it was just as addictive and made me just as useless. Flush it, trash it, toss it.

I'd also recommend getting all the alcohol out of the house immediately. Change the PIN number on your ATM card so that you can't get cash. Cut up the card if you have to. Dig in and get serious. You'll have something to hang your hat on. Stick close to SR also. Good luck.