maia1234

Happy Easter to my friends who celebrate Easter!!

I am struggling today. This is my first Easter without AXH. I am feeling really angry. I am so mad that he "chose" his addictions over me, our family, our life together, throwing away 34 years together. I so pray everyday that he will find the "light". I go no contact and have for a long time. He doesn't understand why, but for my sanity I have too.

So DD21 is home for the weekend and sees her Dad. She tells me that her Dad is thinking of moving to Tennessee where he can be closer to his other addiction (white water canoeing), so he can play and party 24 hours a day with all his BFF's. I guess he no longer has anything here and he plans on moving on.

I am sure that I will get my "monthly" text today wishing me a Happy Easter. (last months texts I told him to "grow up, sober up and work a program, he responded "I'm not a drunk"!!

I so want to tell him off!! I want to lit into him about his "selfish addictions" have destroyed our marriage, our family, our home, and that it is killing him. This sucks!! I am very sad, I don't want to be sitting here crying!!

Please help me do the right thing when he texts, on how to respond!! You guys are always there for me and I appreciate all your words of wisdom and strength, even for the other side!!

I hope you all have a Blessed Easter with your families!!

Dee74

Do you need to respond at all Maia? No contact really should be no contact, yeah?

D

huntingtontx

I am sorry you are hurting. I hope you can learn to let go. I don't think your hubby made a choice to be addicted, and until he believes he is, he can't change. I hope you can focus on yourself and kids and just let go. I know that is not easy. My first marriage ended after 34 years. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, letting go. I think I was co dependent. Anyway, as I learned to stand alone, life got better and better. Now, I am at the best place I have been in a long time. I am having a blast as a sober grandmother . You are in my prayers.

maia1234

Dee, I did not respond at his New Years (missing you) Text. (We do have to have some contact because of kids. ) He was completely pissed and wouldn't help me at all when we were dealing with other issues. So I found that if i just sent a quick response, we kept the "peace". But I want to tell him off, and have him see it!!!! Why Can't u see "it"????? I don't understand!!!!!

I know that I am co dependent and have not moved "on". I will always have him in my heart, and want my X back (but only a healthy X). I am mentally, a world away, from what i was a year ago and still improving daily, but days like to day, I SO struggle understanding this disease.

LaTraviata

Sorry you're hurting today. I am a little too, over the loss of someone I loved due to addiction -- both his and mine.

This advice is is rooted in my faith, which others may not share: On the day my Savior rose from the dead, I would ask myself "What would Jesus do?" and try to act in a similar way.

Knowing firsthand how miserable it is to be an addict, I would try to respond graciously, from a place of love rather than anger.

I would impose sanctions or no contact only insofar as they were necessary to protect myself.

However it plays out today, I'll say a prayer for you that your heart is filled with the joy and hope Spring promises. As the buds form on the trees (which is just now happening in Upstate NY), it's a reminder that rebirth and renewal after a long period of darkness is in fact the natural order of things.

Happy Easter

maia1234

Thank you LaTraviata, I appreciate your comments. I know i need peace and not anger.

Happy Easter to you!!

Nevertheless

The serenity prayer about accepting the things we cannot change. Changing the things that we can,and praying for the wisdom to know the difference,was not made just for alcoholics. It is for everyone.
Will telling him off produce any positive results? I seriously doubt it.
Life is a journey. Only you can answer if you are spending too much time looking into the rearview mirror,instead of looking into the future. It is something I am guilty of. I am trying not to burn any bridges from the past. But I am looking into anything positive in the future,and moving that direction.

Fred

LexieCat

If you feel compelled to respond, I'd just say, "Happy Easter to you, too."

Period. Unloading on him will not only not have the desired effect on him (presumably, to wake up and straighten out), it will make YOU feel weak, needy, and guilty. He's going to do what he's going to do. What YOU do is all that is within your control.

When I stopped begging, pleading, trying to reason with or attack the alcoholic, I started regaining my own sense of dignity and self-worth.

sg1970

As a recovering alkie I don't think an non alkie can understand addiction. It's so powerful that it causes us to make completely irrational choices. It is rooted in fear and selfishness but until someone is in recovery they are completely blind to that. The Big Book describes it as cunning, baffling, and powerful and that fits addiction in general to a t.

I know it's easy for me to say this but what he does and chooses is not a reflection on you or your worth. And until he is ready to change he won't. An alkie has to be in a lot of pain to confront his problem. The absolute best thing you can do is not engage him at all because he doesn't process things clearly during active addiction.

This may sound odd but one thing I try to do when I am angry with someone is pray for them. I am not very religious at all but doing that helps remove some of the toxicity from me which is the most important thing. It's more for me than them if that makes sense.

Best wishes. I hope something I've said makes you feel better today. Take care of yourself and be positive!

maia1234

Thank you Everyone!! I know that I need to find compassion. That is why I read the new to recovery and your A forum. I do see and feel your pain that you are going through. Even though I can't understand it. Sometimes I just need to be reminded.

Yes, I do pray for him. I actually work at a church and asked one of the priests if we could put him on the prayer list. She rolled her eyes at me.

Thanks Again!!

suicideseason

i struggle understanding alot of it and its my life.... :z

Soberwolf

What D said

StormiNormi

Your priestess needs some further compassion training. Church was meant to be a sanctuary for the sick. Her reaction to your prayer request is reprehensive.

LaTraviata

A priest at a church rolled her eyes at a prayer request??

Dee74

I find the priests rolling eyes thing really weird too...but anyway

you'll never 'make' him see it, though, yeah?

I think Lexie has the right idea - 'Happy Easter'.

D

maia1234

She rolled her eyes at me because she wants me to mind my own business. She wants me to stop obsessing on helping my X, and giving him to God.

She is right as that is what you all told me to do.