suicideseason

Hi. sorry Im crazy. I am 78 days sober. When i hit 90 days im supposibly going to start step work but i dont know i dont really trust anyone. Especially guys. So i doubt my Sponsor alot. back around day 50 of sobriety i drug runned a bunch of heroin across some states but i didnt use. I was told about morals. Pretty much i dont really know what those are, or boundaries. I try to stay positive I cant see my son. Nobody cooperates. So just i dont know be strong I would like to help people but a lot of the town doesnt like me so its hard. Im on prozac i dont feel it works. I just want to hurt myself a lot. My sponsor asked why i had hurt myself before made me write it down but since then I just feel he has that so he can use it against me .Thanks for reading.

Flawed

See your doctor and explain that you don't think Prozac is helping, maybe another medication will. 78 days is AWESOME!

awuh1

If you're going to develop a new way of living you're going to need to start somewhere. Your 78 days is a good start. In order to do your step work, having someone you can trust will be important. Perhaps you can tell your sponsor about this difficulty and tell him what might make this easier for you. He might have some suggestions also. You might have to just trust the process.

I would set aside the illegal activity. It's unlikely to help with your goal of seeing your son. I have a feeling that if you develop a pattern of doing the next right thing, eventually, things will be better than you can now imagine.

suicideseason

I was told to wait a few weeks to see if the prozac works its been like 10 days i been on it. I know illegal activity needs to stop thats why they said the morals and boundaries thing to me. They say i can still be detoxing but I see stuff still etc. My sponsor knows i have men issues But i just feel like hes got that to hang over my head. since theres really nothing treatment wise with the 12 steps and slitting your wrist. I had some grand idea to do it on easter i felt like how i felt last i did it, so i feel if i talk about it maybe it wont happen. I obtained some xanax and kolonopin and promethazyne pills and was going to say **** it.

awuh1

Give the medication time to work. Even if it does not, there are many more antidepressants and one of them likely will help. Keep a crisis line number handy and use it if you need to. Early sobriety can be difficult. It gets better, but not all at once. Take care

Dee74

If you need someone to talk to about suicidal ideation or cutting there are some links here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...resources.html

I hope you'll give the meds a little more time to bed in.
D

Soberwolf

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

suicideseason

Im waiting but i dont feel any better. Thats pretty much why I came here i dont know what to do about hurting myself. I went to the hospital talked about it got prozac. Idk every few weeks here a lady comes in talking about how her kids dad took their life cuz the kids and it just makes my feelings worry me about my feelings. Makes it all to real. I have a suicide prevention magnet idk how many people have those in their personal stuff in the kitchen . I dont want to die, i just want to be hurt

Mountainmanbob

In early sobriety, until we know for sure who our friends are we need to be very careful with who we share our deepest secrets. Sponsors must also be well known and trusted before taking them to task.

Nothing that we wish for the authorities not to know about us should ever be discussed on the Internet.

MM

Para

It's awesome that you are sober despite everything that's going on.
Illegal activity needs to stop for sure. I find with us alcoholic/addicts, guilt on doing something wrong can take us down. Living honestly with a clear conscious is so important (i'm working on that too!). I have a lied a lot, and it always made me feel guilty, and gave me an excuse to turn to the bottle.
It will help with getting your son back. And your self esteem/worth will grow.
I wish you all the best!

lycanlaz

I am a self harmer, ive been harming for20 years with some periods of abstinence. I understand the overpowering drive to inflict injury. I don't believe drinking is exclusive to this, they're both forms of harming when approached from an angle of punishment... I know that some of my swinging between detox and getting drunk and forcing myself through withdrawal has a lot to do with wanting to damage myself. Harming is often a preventative before suicide though. Harmers are a lot less likely to commit suicide because it diverts the anguish. Sorry that you're going through this. I get it.

suicideseason

thanks for support i share so its not a secret.. But even then i dont know. So its not in my brain.

suicideseason

all day! It dont usually last all day. Talked to a bunch of people it didnt really help, I dont know who to trust. Idki feel like im going backward. Tired of ppl worrying. Is mat going to go use and lie? is mat in the bathroom cutting himself. i just want to be good. I asked for help i got pills.

awuh1

Well that's one form of help. There's lots of different forms that 'help' can take. Sometimes it comes from a place you least expect. Stay open to it. It can be difficult when you feel vulnerable and easily injured. I think most people have their hearts in the right place. Try to give them credit for tying.

courage2

I'm sorry you're suffering today, ss. Is it Matt? Can you call your sponsor tonight? I know you don't trust people but it's maybe better than the way you feel now?

suicideseason

yeah its mat. Hes been with his kids for 2 weeks now hes got 4 he dont see much so no point calling him. He has my list on what it feels for me He said 3 or 4 weeks ago he could help and I just think its going to be used against me since I got court cases in other threads and just shoot me into the dirt like this town does.
- I mean i dont want to hurt myself thats why i am talking about it. I want to be good. I dont have desire to drink. I have desire for some drugging and sex. But my brain just wants to hurt so everything will be ok. need to go grocery shop after talking to my lawyer im scared to talk to and just really avoid any sharp object isle.sorry for bothiering yall

suicideseason

Its tho not like i dont get ahold of my sponsor he just is busy so i text.Just goes nowhere. my lawyer just cancelled our appointment holy hell almost had a panic attack just talking to him. My sponsor keeps saying keep doing what im doing. I dont know how long.

hopeful4

This board is to support others. You are not bothering anyone!

It's likely the people who are questioning you are people who really care about you. I have a question for you. Did you get the Prozac from a doctor or a psychiatrist? Sometimes regular doctors are not the best source of things like that b/c some of them can actually work against you. If you are all over the place, and want to do reckless things and have uncontrollable sexual desires, you may need a mood stabilizer.

I am not trying to discourage you from taking your medication. Have you called and spoken with the doctor who prescribed it?

When you are looking at making boundaries for yourself, ask yourself, if this were my son in this situation, what would I tell him. That is a really good guide when sometimes your own boundary line has been pushed back a bit too far.

I think it's also really important to celebrate the good things. You have racked up some serious days here, that is absolutely wonderful! I am betting those 78 days were not easy, and you really need to recognize the hard work you put in to get there!

Last year, I was having some problems and felt I was near a nervous breakdown. I did come to SR for support, as well as attend Celebrate Recovery. However, it took more. I went to a psychiatrist who specializes in helping families with addiction. That helped me so very much.

I really hope you reach out. Please remember, you are valued in life!

suicideseason

i went in said i wanted to hurt myself. I showed them some of my body cause they asked if I tried to hurt myself and i just let scars do the talking. They asked what else said it effects my sleep and i get chest pain. They gave me prozac. they said if it dont work after 5 weeks call and they will change it. Thats a ways away. Just got back from a.a. i couldnt really talk. They were going over a.a. stuff that needs votes for n.y. . Im in a small town. they barely hold a.a. meetings here. The doctors only here every other week. I bought razorblades when i went grocery shopping I havent opened them. patience i guess.

lycanlaz

Prozac has never worked for me, it actually made me worse, though all meds take at least a month to start having a proper effect....if its been that long and you're still feeling this way you need to tell them. However meds only treat symptoms and doctors are very quick to let people go without extra help that we need to address the problem...which is always deep seated emotional pain rooted in trauma from events we haven't appropriately dealt with. I don't believe in chemical imbalance exclusive to itself, there's always more to it. And medical services simply wont chase you for treatment - you must push for therapy otherwise they're very happy to throw drugs at you and let you get on with it, when you really need some kind of focused psychological treatment. Antidepressants are one option but they are not an answer to why you hurt.