Para

I was excited for the day. Now i'm scared and feeling sorry for myself!!!

gaffo

The longer you go without drinking the more those feelings will disappear in the rear view mirror.

Soberwolf

Congrats on making a day 1

Para

Day 1 has only begun for me! But I talked to my mom and my sister just now. I did some pretty embarrassing things at the restaurant in my blackout. I've also decided to do 90 meetings in 90 days. They weren't as mad at me as I thought they would be. Which made me even more sad because I hurt them, yet they're still willing to love and support me.

Fly N Buy

As a child growing up I recall movies about people trying to get out of quicksand - usually Tarzan. Apparently he lived in an area with a lot of quicksand! As I recall the guy stuck in quick sand could not get out by himself. He had to be pulled out or have help of some sort. The more he struggled the faster he sank.

Reminds me of trying to get sober. I tried to quit many times by myself - tried to pull myself out of the pit of quicksand. It never worked - the same brain that told me it was ok to jump in the quicksand was not reliable to remedy the peril.

Finally I sought help - not just here on SR but face to face help. I learned that other people could help pull me out......I had to help, but I also had to ask for help.

Choosing to not drink today is the how we help ourselves. It's not easy at first, but each day we get stronger. Ask for whatever help you need, it's there for the taking.

Keep posting, glad you're here!

Para

So i've made a plan to go to 90 meetings in 90 days and get myself a sponsor. My mother was supportive, and now she has moved on to saying i won't go to any meetings, that i'll just lie and say i'm going and i'll never change. And when she says those things, I feel like that's expected of me,so that's what i'm going to do.
This time has to be different. I have to stick to my plan, and so what if my mom doesn't believe me. I have to believe in myself!

FLCamper

I hope you prove her wrong starting today.

Para

It hurts when it's like she expects me to fail. But then, I've fallen and lied so many times...so I can't blame her.

biminiblue

She was worried and frightened by your behavior, then angry, now is protecting herself emotionally so she won't get her expectations dashed. That's on her.

Just do you.

Go to your meetings, be polite to your mom (certainly ask her to give you the benefit of the doubt, and then show her) and just keep doing the next right thing. Everyone will calm down in time. You kind of had this coming, ya know?

Sobriety is your goal, let nothing push you away from that.

readerbaby71

You never have to feel this way again if you don't drink. I am so sorry that you're struggling. The next time you want to pick up a drink think it through. Visualize yourself sick and hungover and try to feel how you'll feel the next day. Think about how your family will feel. Think about the shame and disappointment and pain you feel right now. Is getting drunk worth it? No. That's what helps me stay sober. Good luck to you.

Fly N Buy

Para - there is hope, but it does indeed take time to regain trust of others and from ourselves.

When I quit not long ago I made simple "goals". Today I will not drink, I will not stay sober alone and I will go to a meeting. The days of planning more than what was directly in front of me were over in new sobriety. Hour by hour, day by day I did not drink.

As those days added up I did attend a ton of meetings - at least 90, probably more. I did this because I could not trust myself to stay sober. I made it 90 days, then 100 and then 200. Today is 300 days........

I went to a meeting first thing this morning. I prayed and meditated - I read from the Big Book.

This afternoon my wife and I are taking the dogs to the state park for a romp! May seem like a small thing, but it's huge....I trust myself to not disappoint her by drinking and I trust myself not to drink. The reflection of my despair I witnessed in my loved ones eyes has turned to hope - Today.

Tomorrow I will go to a meeting......read and pray. By grace I may get a shot at day 301

Peace Para - it's there for all of us!
Easy does it.......

aasharon90

To help go to meetings is to remind
myself that if I went to any lengths
to get a drink, then I would need to
put in that much energy to go to a
meeting.

That if I drank everyday, drove in
driving rain, thru flood waters to get
to my alcohol, then I would need to
take that much effort to make a meeting.

IF, there is a good enough reason to
not make a face to face meeting, then
I make a special effort to connect to
some sort of recovery person, place
or thing to stay connected.

I made sure I had my AA books near
by. In my car. Next to my chair I relax
in. Even in the bathroom. I had oodles
of cassette AA Speaker tapes back in the
day to listen to in my car, on my headphones
as a way to get my daily recovery fix.

I spoke to folks in the program if I needed
to. Like a temporary sponsor until I had my
own one. Friends of Bill W. are all folks
who live the AA recovery life.

But it doesn't end with just AA. There
are many useful recovery tools and
knowledge available in todays time,
especially with the computer to look
up information on.

We have our libraries. Book stores
with helpful, knowledgeable information
to help us, teach us about addiction so
we can grow healthy, happy and honest
without reaching for drugs or alcohol
to solve lifes problems for us.

I use SR as a lifeline to reach for
daily, not only for myself, but to help
others looking for suggestions and
directions in learning about recovery
programs that work.

AA was taught to me from the moment
I entered rehab and I learned it. Since
then, I have continue to encorperate
that program of recovery in my everyday
life because it works for me and has kept
me sober this long.

I stay in the day to remain sober. Whatever
I do today to remain sober then I will repeat
tomorrow.

Para

I've realized what you've written above is what's going to save my life...
There are ways to obtain and live in sobriety...which are different for everyone. I think for me i'm going to need a lot of support and people that can see through my alcoholic mind. Just being on this forum has helped me. I've been on and off it all night and this morning...if this forum can do so much for me...meetings, sponsor, the program can help me a great deal too!

aasharon90

Relying and leaning on to others in the fellowship
of recovery lets us know that none of us ever has
to be alone on our recovery journey or ever have
to go thru anything alone in life again.

The power of the fellowship is AWESOME.

Good Job Para on posting..!!!!

AddictGuy

Para, I just think that it's great that you are sharing like you are and then to see how all of my fellow members are responding and supporting you. You are open to change, you want change, you are reaching out for change and I believe it is change that you will have.

Para

Thanks AddictGuy! I think for me, many times I have been open to change and wanting to change...hence i've tried so many resources..such as counselling, outpatient treatment, AA, and even tried to get some peace by going to church. But the reaching out is what i've always had trouble with...because I do it for sometime, then stop, and then i isolate to drink. I must work very hard to keep reaching out. This site and AA will help.

INgal

Para. You can do this! I'm a mom of a 25 y.o. And I too, distrust a lot of what he says. It will be your actions, not your words, that change her attitude. Get on it, and get sober!

Wastinglife

I have quite a few regrettable blackouts in public. Been kicked out restaurants and bars, passed out in alleyways, woken up in the ER and jail.

I don't know why it took me so long to 'get it'. I am an alcoholic and alcoholics can't drink. I still deal with guilt and shame every day but as long as I don't have that first drink I find comfort knowing I won't humiliate myself again.

Time and sobriety will fix your despair. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You didn't ask to be an alcoholic.

Para

Phew! I'm not alone. And it's 630pm and no drink today. And I don't even want it.

Goose1

Para - my feeling is everything starts with us being honest. It's hard because every time we drink we are lying to ourselves and family. Then after, we feel so bad because of what the malady brings. I can tell you I can not count how many times I have had to say I'm sorry to my wife. I believe what others say on here is so true. It is up to us to stop our own insanity. I believe in you and you can do it. You matter and your mother cares about you.