RoyGBiv

I've been sober for 92 days.

I'm trapped in a self-pitying malaise.

I still have no energy. I have no motivation. So I end up doing nothing, then I feel sorry for myself having no one. I really miss having a girlfriend. I hate being alone. But in moments of rational thinking I understand it's too soon.

I have been back to playing golf, which I love, the exercise walking a few miles every other day is good. But my body is failing me. Bad knees, bad back.. the soreness is complicating my insomnia and making my sleep even worse.

I can't remember the last time I slept more than 2 hours without waking up.

The feeling I can't shake is : I am bored, but I don't want to DO anything. The one thing I want to do (golf) is making me hurt. I've been to the bookstore 30 times, gone out to eat 50 times.. but I know I have to go back home, alone, to not sleep well yet again. (yes I've tried sleep medication working closely with my doctor, nothing is really working.)

Many days I sit around and think about drinking again just to get out of this miserable feeling I constantly have. I know that goes back to a place with no positive outcome. But put simply, I am not enjoying sobriety so far. I'm afraid one of these days that will get the better of me.

digdug

Besides not drinking (congrats on 3 months), what actions are you taking to further your recovery?

As much as we want it to be, recovery isn't as simple as just putting down the drink. It will be difficult to merely white knuckle your way through this.

Music

I didn't read anything in your post about going to AA meetings, reading the Big Book, having a sponsor or working the steps. I didn't get sober by sitting in my crap, feeling sorry for myself. I got to work on getting sober and found out there's life after sobriety. So, you have a choice. You can sit on your pity pot and eventually drink again or you can take a positive step toward sobriety by getting involved in your sobriety. Your choice!

Persys

I highly recommend getting involved in AA or some sort of recovery program. At the very least you will be around other people. The people from my meetings are always inviting others out to do things and it would help get you moving in the right direction.

Lastly, 3 months is awesome. It took me about 9 to start feeling good more than I felt just blah.

Boleo

I suffered from alcohol-issues as a result of drinking and alcohol-ISM as a result of not-drinking. I was truly trapped between a rock and a hard place. I had to learn how to treat my alcohol-ISM before sobriety was worth having.

Like Digdug said "what actions are you taking to further your recovery?"

sg1970

True. When I quit drinking just taking the drink out of the equation still left the real issues. You gotta work it.

Axiom

Congrats on 92 days! 90 was the first number that really meant something to me. I thought that if I could make it there it would all make sense... unfortunately, it didn't.

It took me about 4 months to feel like a person the majority of time. The past month has been amazing and they say it takes years to get up to your potential.

Three months was great though because it showed me I could do this sobriety thing. It was around that time I started taking a look at what I wanted out of life. I started to take action because I got so bored not doing as much as I wanted.

Good work so far!

Hawkeye13

I had some serious adrenal dysfunction / nutrition issues when I stopped
so I felt like crap physically too. Makes sense when you consider alcohol
as a primary food group.

I suggest feeding yourself quality food--The Wahls Diet Protocal is really good for
autoimmune issues like you are describing.

I also joined a gym and began to build my body up after years of destruction.
Three months is a great start, but repair takes time Roy.
Give yourself that time and seek support not only for your body, but your mind.

Abstaining from alcohol and recovery from alcoholism are not the same thing.

Keep going and give yourself every chance

zjw

sounds like you need a distraction. I had to keep myself occupied and pass the time. did things i was good at over and over and over again because it helped me build confidence even if it seemed stupid that i polished so many nick nacks or made too many cookies or something.

3 months is a big deal. Your getting close to the turning point I'd think. many days I felt life was no better. I felt i was screwed staying sober i was screwed getting drunk I was miserable no matter what.

But I realized each day was just a hair better then the last or the one 5 days prior or so. I realized that over the spance of a week or a month things where indeed improving all be it slowly and all be it not on my terms and not fast enough to my liking they where getting better.

I started to realize I was not going to win started to surrender my troubles and stress over them. and I started trying to focus on something positive even though that was so incredibly hard for me to do. sometimes all i'd got is that i saw a nice flower that day or something. But in time i was able to lift my head up and rub the crap out of my eyes and realize life wasnt so bad. I was way better off then before and life started to get enjoyable again.

Give it time I think you know that tho. "But in moments of rational thinking I understand it's too soon."

It stinks feeling like yoru alone in your own head alone to solve your problems etc.. it really does stink. But there is a bright side to it. it can be a quiety peaceful place to be its nice not having to put up with other peoples nonsense and baggage. Its nice to be able to do things your stinken way. theres an upside to being alone.

Even tho I have a wife and kids etc.. I still feel alone. Me alone can solve my battles and problems no one can do it for me. no one ever could no one ever will its just how it is and I'm ok with it. I've come to accept it.

zjw

remember the journey to sobriety is just as important as the destination. Its a process and in my case it was a very needed process. I guess its part of the healing.

JensDestiny

My heart just breaks for you, Roy. I am sorry that you are feeling so alone and I sincerely hope that you are able to work through whatever is necessary to improve the journey for you.

I am not exactly the best @ giving advice so I generally don't even bother trying. I just wanted to send some well wishes your way!

Wastinglife

I am in the same space as you Roy. My alcoholism pushed a lot of people away including my own family. I ruined a relationship with the girl I thought I would marry and drank my career into the ground. I am isolated, lonely, and living a life devoid of any joy....but I am sober.

I see a therapist and go to AA meetings which help with the loneliness. I am no where near where I want to be and frankly, I am a miserable bastard and, like you, suffer insomnia that has been plauging me since I stopped drinking.

I am not giving up though. Neither should you. One thing I am is resilient. Things really can't get any worse for me so it's only up from here.

Turtle82

I had to replace drinking and all that went along with it with something else. For me it was AA... meetings (open, closed, Step, BB... everything), reading the BB, starting my day with 24-Hourse-A-Day and a sponsor. That, eventually, led to me seeing a whole world I never really noticed... how beautiful the sky is for instance... sitting and really, really, seeing it... how the light and shadows fall on the trees and grass... how people, strangers, are ready to smile or speak as if they've just been waiting for someone to start. Congratulations and I hope things get better for you.

Soberintexas007

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Many years back I had 3 years sober, and it was the loneliness that I was feeling and being single that initiated my relapse. Because drinking only makes my life worse, my life obviously did not get better after drinking. All it did was reignite the obsession to drink. I consider myself lucky today to be married for 5 years. And I won't lie to you, being with someone has definitely helped my loneliness and therefore my recovery. I am not really into AA, I have already worked the steps, and I don't feel the need to have a sponsor. I do have a couple AA friends I run things by, however. What is helping me right now is the beginning of my career, exercising and running so that I can enjoy good food without gaining weight, planning vacations with my husband, and I enjoy watching the San Francisco Giants and San Francisco 49'ers. I also enjoy my family and my sister's dog, who I get to watch for 5 days next week and am really excited. But I do understand where you are coming from. I cannot say for sure that I would be this positive today if I wasn't married and possibly was feeling lonely. I wish you all the best.

Soberwolf

Congrats on 92 days Roy have you considered CBT, Addiction counseling or normal counseling to help ?

Have you got a sober plan ? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

JeffreyAK

I felt drained of energy for the first 8 months or so, I slept normally but it never felt like enough and I'd wake up often, so I'd take noon naps. Can be partly depression, which can be a phase of post-acute withdrawal, and can be physical. For example your blood pressure might be normal now, whereas when you're a heavy drinker it's often sky-high - your body takes time to adapt to that.

It'll get better. But some things you might think about that might help would be, picking up a hobby (I built plastic model cars and airplanes), forcing yourself to get more exercise, and attending sobriety support group meetings of any flavor, if you aren't now.

You often hear HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) as a source of triggers and cravings, and if you're hanging out lonely and bored and aren't getting good sleep, there's two of 'em right there.

tnman1967

Remember AA is not the end all be all, I do however agree that action need to be taken but could be in several forms.

Gottalife

Roy, I had exactly the same experience and ended on a ten month drunk that took me right down the drain.

Then I did exactly what Music suggests. AA, sponsor, steps, etc and my life was transformed. You see I was one of those lucky alcoholics for who the booze was just a symptom of a deeper disorder, alcoholism. Just stopping drinking didn't fix it, in fact it seemed to bring it out. I had to treat the ISM, the internal spiritual malady that had me feeling so disconnected from the world.

Of course, when I was in the middle of that black spot, people were trying to help, there was an AA member who went out of his way to help me out. But for some reason I couldn't hear what he was trying to tell me. I had to go through ten months of misery to get my ears clear. I hope you can hear our message and don't have to travel that path.

Gottalife

Dbl.

Latte

There are still some days I have to force myself out of the house. I donate plasma and have that scheduled on days I don't work.

What I found is that I broke my brain. I need an antidepressant but I only came to that conclusion after a lot of therapy. I'm not jumping up and down, happy happy joy joy, but my aches and pains have decreased and my good days outnumber my bad days more often than not.

I even take jobs that pay less than I normally charge (I clean houses) so that I am forced to get out of the house. I've met some great people that way too. One of them in a retired therapist who worked with addicts and alcoholics for years. I'm surprised every day I'm clean and sober-things just seem to work out. If I add any mind altering substances, they don't seem to work out so well.