zjw

My wife where just talking about something related to alcoholism and she made mention of some of the horrible conersations she had with me while i was wicked drunk and how horrible it was and how family sticks it out and thats hwat you do etc. .which is why shes tolerating the stuff from her mother (also an alcoholic)

I'm like yeah I get it. But in that moment that she talked about those conversations and how she wanted to walk out on me it stings. I agree i was no saint and she wasnt throwing this in my face by any means or anything like that. was just merely pointing out that sometimes its hard and you stick it out etc..

Neither one of us is perfect. But sometimes i feel like my sins of the past are just so terrible especially when I hear about it from her anyhow.

Now moving forward I'll just stuff all of this away in the corner and focus on today and be ok whatever.

But does there ever come a time when that sorta stuff doesnt sting so much?

I guess its good that it stings. there was a time when it didnt or if it did I dont remember I was busy washing the feelings away with booze.

awuh1

When you find that you did something in a blackout, or you remember that you harmed someone in the past, you go to that person and you ask them how you can make it right. Then, provided that what they propose does not harm a third person, you do it.

On the day that AA was founded, this is what one of its founders did (for a good part of that entire day, and with multiple individuals). Sort of a nice beginning, don't you think?.

Boleo

It's difficult to describe it and it makes no sense (even to me), but whenever I start to engage in morbid reflection or dwell on painful memories, something inside me of me feels a shock to my system. Almost like the brainwashing Malcolm McDowell received in "Clockwork Orange". Don't know where it comes from or how I developed it in the first place, but it does do the job of getting me out of those bad memories in just a few seconds.

zjw

not sure what you mean. in my case with today its like ugg this stings. and I'm able to mute it and move on. I know there is no sense in rehashing it. I knwo there is no sense in making ammends I already did that etc..

I can imagine some of the discussions shes speaking of but perhaps its stuff i dont even remember either. no use it jumping into it too much its over and done with I suppose.

Soberwolf

It will get easier as time goes on youl make peace with your past zjw

anattaboy

Good question. My wife and I both drank and both did and said things that did damage. I think time and not doing/saying "those things" are the only thing that heals from my end. Saying sorry and meaning it has been done more than once. Same with my grown sons. One has initiated contact and we are talking--the other is doing his life. My 3 youngest are an ongoing discovery(?). 'Tis nice to actually be present tho--even with the stings.

MsJax

I really agree with Soberwolf, zjw. It just takes time, a lot of it. And a sincere amends when and if it's safe and appropriate. Living well, staying sober and methodically making good choices will help ease those old feelings. I understand, I'm so horribly hard on myself in too many ways.

Boleo

Yes, "mute it and move on" is what I mean. However, where I used to have to play the tape all the way through, now I just have to start the tape. The sting now occurs at the beginning of the tape, where it used to occur near the end.

zjw

yeah I used to hash it all out for days upon days and then some. Now its like hmm that stung and forward i move. I just left the sting there in the moment and kept going. Like i stubbed my toe or something. I can think back to this dialog remember that it stung but it does not sting now. I'm not holding on to it per say.

I hate to feel as if i'm ignoreing it. I'm not. I think maybe maybe my AV wants to pick it all apart and find the reasons for the pain hash it all out a bunch more times looking for resolution. But the other side of me says thats not worth it its over and done with that will just open a closed wound for no reason other then to feel more pain for what? why? Leave it be let it go leave it alone. Its really come naturally this time around maybe i'm getting healthier.

But it would be nice if this sort of situation didnt even sting in the moment. Maybe one day soon i'll just have a good laugh about all of this.

Gottalife

I cant think of anything in my past that has any effect these days, although my mother and sister will throw stuff at me anytime they see me, all these years later. But they are drinking alcoholics and there is nothing I can do about that.

What were once bad memories are useful assets in helping others, so I guess thay havent been forgotten, just transformed into something useful. That didnt happen by sitting on my hands and wishing I could forget. There was a huge tension in my early sobriety, sort of walking in constant fear of a tap on the shoulder or running into someone I wanted to avoid. Living in fear was no way for me to stay sober. In fact I instinctively knew it would lead me back to drinking.

So I did exactly what Awuh1 suggested, having prepared myself to deal with an uncontrollable outcome with the earlier steps. Ultimately this was not about fixing my wounds but about healing their injuries. If they are still hurting, why would they not continue to lash out at me from time to time?

zjw

I'm lucky no ones thrown anything in my face thankfully.

Ali2013

Sent you a PM.

Boleo

Eckhart Tolle calls it "Detach from the outcome".

zjw

yeah I'm trying to be the spectator not the dictator if you will. though I have not had to try too much. I just watched this flare up and fizzle out today.