alcoholic/addict perspective
 

I want an alcoholics/addicts perspective. So can't get a straight answer from him. What would ever possess you to go on a bender the weekend your loved one almost died in surgery instead of being there with them?

Fear. Overwhelming fear. I'm not saying that it was a good choice to drink. For what it's worth, I'm just giving a possible 'explanation'.

Possible avoidance. Avoiding the pain of reality. Just a thought.

To escape and not deal with the issue at hand. Problem is you feel so ashamed (for not being there for the person) when you sober up and are hung over and sick as a dog so you drink again. It is a vicious cycle. I've been on that craptastic roller coaster and it is pure hell. Peel all they layers back and it usually points to fear as the catalyst.

Rather than give you a speculative answer to your question, I think it better to try and explain the workings of an alcoholic brain. The alcoholic brain is not logical. My mother would frequently ask me, "why do you not call your sponsor instead of going to a liquor store?" I would try and explain to her that she didn't understand what it was like to know you're doing something harmful to yourself, yet your body demands that you do it. It would just go over her head. I can't give you an answer that will sound logical to you because there isn't one. That is just the nature of addiction. The addict is not unaware they're doing something they shouldn't. They just can't help it.

Hi.

For me it might include fear of the unknown, helplessness, overwhelming concern, wanting too but knowing I can’t fix the illness so escape is easier. ETC.
Fear is a big steering wheel for alcoholics and at times difficult to deal with when combined with other emotions.
Over the years I’ve made wrong choices for those reasons in similar situations, fortunately drinking was not included, YET.

BE WELL

Trying to "understand" how an alcoholic/addict thinks... is like trying to understand an orgasm before experiencing one.

:chairfall

Avoidance. Practicing alcoholics just can't handle life's difficult situations. Sometimes we'll take a drink (just one, of course) to steel ourselves for something like a family crisis or a job interview, but once we have one drink, it turns into two, then three, then ten, then a bender.

That's why it's really important for us not to take the first drink.

Sorry to hear this happened.

the anger you feel at your mistreatment is founded for sure. no one should have to go through surgery alone, or be abandoned by someone who should be able to support you during a time that you need and deserve people around you who can hold you up through something as frightening as something like that. but boleo is right. you won't be able to understand the way we dissolve beneath fear and stress unless you reach that point yourself. throwing you away at the time you need them the most is very unlikely to be an elective choice to hurt or reject or abuse you. the way we struggle to address fear and stress doesn't make the choice okay or appropriate and i am sure that most people are here because we know that this isn't the right way to deal with difficult situations. both of you are victims. he will not be able to voice his pain or fear in a way that you will find acceptable because you can't unless you reach that point yourself. he'll be full of guilt but the fear and the resort becomes more powerful than you or your choice or your reason. we hurt everyone around ourselves and it's awful and unfair, and it goes a lot deeper than a throwaway desire to just get wasted, it runs into ingrained, inappropriate emotional and mental coping methods built up since childhood. but although he needs support, you need to make sure that you are looking after yourself, and you deserve someone who will be able to look after you in a position such as coming close to losing your life. it's absolutely not okay to tolerate behaviour that puts your wellbeing at risk, whether or not we understand the motivations behind it.

"...it goes a lot deeper than a throwaway desire to just get wasted, it runs into ingrained, inappropriate emotional and mental coping methods built up since childhood. " (Lycanlaz)

Yep. Fear of the situation. Avoidance (I've seen lots of pics of me as a small child standing there with my eyes closed, wishing it would all go away and desperately hoping that if I couldn't see it, it wasn't happening. Then, when I got to early teens I discovered alcohol and had a whole new way of 'shutting my eyes'.) It's only recently (in my 40's ) that I've started growing up past that teen-level, and working on my arrested-development and those ingrained, inappropriate emotional and mental coping methods. Funny thing is how much of my guilt over situations had actually manifested in anger with the person I'd wronged because the guilt was so horrible. SO messed up. Thank God for AA and The 12-Step programme. I'd never have seen it all otherwise, let alone be able to take responsibility and try to get better.

Also, he may well of only intended to have a couple to steady his nerves... but we all know what happens after a couple with alcoholics.

Not saying you don't deserve better. Just that, despite appearances, his behaviour isn't necessarily a reflection of how much he cares about or loves you.

Actually I think LaTraviata put it well.

Sorry double post.

Thank you everyone for shedding some light on this situation. He did finally show up at ICU but never came back bc he was embarassed that he showed up inebriated and my parents were there. It hurts but having your responses helps me understand and makes it seem less callous

Really sorry you went through that charis78 :hug: Even though we haven't met, I am very, very happy you pulled through. I'm sorry you are on the receiving end of drunken, selfish behavior.

I dont know Charis, is everything alright ?

I'm sure people smelled alcohol on me at my mother's funeral. No excuses it was because I am an alkie. I suspect your loved one is the same. The obsession with drinking will overide what you know is the right thing to do.

Coping mechanism. Alcoholics don't know how to properly cope with stressful events and situations. They turn to alcohol.

Doesn't make it right, but hopefully gives some insight as to the seeming selfishness of it.

Addiction is selfish if someone is physiologically/psychologically dependent on drugs or alcohol. My addiction to alcohol is "only" as an occasional psychological crutch in times of shyness/loneliness, so I would personally not leave a loved one in their time of need. But if my addiction was of a more intense nature, I imagine a larger portion of my true self would be lost and dimmed out and cause me to act similarly.

Everything is fine now. Alive anyways. That's the thing he was a functional alcoholic and wasn't drinking for three months before that. He acted the whole time like the surgery was no big deal and he come visit when he was done work.

Getting loaded at the worst possible time is one of the characteristics of the alcoholic. There is nothing sane or reasonable about it, it just the nature of the malady. AA suggests that this behaviour will repeat until the alcoholic undergoes a complete psychic change ( change of personality) sufficient to recover.

It is quite possible, based on experience, that this bender was well on the way before the stressful situation developed, and would have happened anyway. It's just in this case the alcoholic can rationalise the drink is his own mind, after all, wasn't he in a situation where anyone would drink? It's a really credible excuse, but if it wasn't available I suggest he would have created another one. The alcoholics imagination is almost limitless in this regard.

The real reason probably was that,though not drinking at the time,the alcoholism was not arrested and the pressure from his alcoholic reactions to day to day life was building. It happened to me many times.

Yet strangely, since having that psychic change, much more dramatic life events that happen in life have never lead me to consider a drink. Quite miraculous really.