justme

Haven't drank in a month but I can't stop thinking of how sloppy I was when I go out binge drinking!!! All the embarrassing and shameful things I did!!! 3yrs of awful blackout moments!!! Nothing I do will change that and no matter how hard I try to forget I can't!!! I guess I'm just struggling that even after decided never to drink again I can never erase my past and all my friends and family will always see me as this sloppy drunk!!! That's what I did to myself and that kills me

trachemys

You'll be surprised how forgiving the people that really care about will be when you continue your new life.

justme

I guess it's really about me forgiving myself I don't know how or if I can!

Sasha4

Your still early into your recovery.
Give it some time.

I was 3 years in Feb 2015.
This is what I have found out from my experience of not drinking. I too blacked out numerous times and did awful things.

Those memories and feelings get less, the longer you don't drink.
People also forget too, especially if you continue to give them no more drunken episodes to talk about.

I find if I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired (known in recovery to stand for HALT) my mind naturally veers towards those sort of thoughts about how hideous I was and the hideous things I did.

Sometimes just catching up on sleep, eating a good meal or having a sugary drink or being with friends can help switch of that self loathing.

I remind myself as often as I can that as long as I don't drink, there will never again be times when I have too much to drink, black out and do something regretful.
I find its very peaceful in my mind to have that reassurance that there will be no more drunken regrets.

I wish you the best xx

Gottalife

Three main things could have dragged me back to drinking.mthey were an awful load I could not carry.

1 was my selfish and ignorant attitude to life. It always lead me into conflict with others.
2 was the fear of running into people I had hurt, always looking over my shoulder.
3 was the awful memories of things I did when drunk, memories I wanted to bury forever.

I'm not psychopath. I have a conscience and I have to be able to live with myself. There could be no peace until I had done my utmost to straighten out the past. AA provided me with the tools and support to accomplish that.

The surprising thing is when I had faced and cleaned up my past, done everything I could, the self forgiveness is automatic because there is nothing left to forgive.

Trying to forget the past on the other hand, leaves a demon sitting right on my shoulder. I found it is just impossible to sweep it under the carpet and not suffer consequences.

uncle holmes

I've been sober many years now and I still feel somewhat embarrassed and shameful about the blackouts and just the whole gamut of being an alcoholic.

It's something I always need to work on. But it does get better as long as I'm willing to still stay sober and continue to change.

Just a few days ago the "Twenty-Four Hours a Day" book that I read every morning touched on this subject.

March 19-A.A. Thought for the Day

When we were drinking, we used to be ashamed of the past. Remorse is terrible mental punishment: ashamed of ourselves for the things we've said and done, afraid to face people because of what they might think of us, afraid of the consequences of what we did when we were drunk. In A.A. we forget about the past. Do I believe that God has forgiven me for everything I've done in the past, no matter how black it was, provided I'm honestly trying to do the right thing today?

Bh28

Dwelling on the past is making me relapse over and over.

tomsteve

I used to drink quite a bit over my past. Insane thing was that the more I drank to Forget my past, which never happened, the more wreckage I created.
Then I got sober and faced my past. I looked at it from an entirely different angle and used it to learn what makes me tick.
Then I cleared away the wreckage- I made amends where possible.
Today my past doesn't haunt me. I am at peace with it. It is one of the greatest possessions I have.
All happened by following a few simple suggestions outlined in the program of AA .

zjw

it'll ease up. in time people will come around. Some might never come around. I never really had this issue with drinking as no one really new the extent of my problem. But I find some people will just never like you and always find a reason to dislike you.


I have family who still seem to think i'm a crummy looser kid despite all the success i've had in life. They will always refuse to see the decent person that i am / become. I have other family who likes to reach back into my past well how come you where such a bad kid. and i'll ask them well how come i had such bad parents? and they typical shutup realizing that i'm correct.

it'll ease up but keep in mind some folks may never come around and thats ok that is there problem not yours.

Gottalife

I love the 24 hour book. In fact I have a very old copy that once belonged to the founder of AA in New Zealand. But it is not an AA book and it is completely wrong to suggest we forget about the past, though it could well mean that making amends today is the right thing to do.

Over and over we are warned that a failure to deal with the past can lead to relapse. Dr Bobs story I'd a classic case in point. He refused to make amends and got drunk as a result. So you are in good company BH28.

I will use just one quote from the ninth step promises, "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it, we will see how our experience can help others".

In fact, that huge liability that was my past has now become a most useful asset when I am working with others.

Bmac

I believe that we are put here on this earth for a reason; a divine purpose if you will. Something that we must learn and accomplish. As such, nothing happens to us by chance. It is all part of our journey. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that has happened to us and that we have experienced in our past was necessary for us to reach our ultimate goal. We simply cannot reach that next level unless we have experienced exactly what we have. I am grateful for my past, all of it, good and bad because I know it was necessary for me to reach my highest potential, even if I cannot see in this moment what my highest potential is. Just my opinion for what it's worth.

zjw

yep I couldnt agree more and peoples paths cross to serve various purposes at various times.

BMAC your from my old stomping grounds in west palm I lived down there for years!

uncle holmes

The twenty four hour book is AA approved. If it wasn't they wouldn't sell it or read it before some meetings.

Over and over the twenty four hour book takes passages out of the BB and mentions all the steps.

On Aug 8 it mentions "there is no substitute for the Big Book. It is our bible. We should study it thoroughly and make it a part of ourselves......."

On Aug 27 it mentions "we must be willing to make amends to all the people we have harmed. We must do the best we can to repair the damage done in the past........"

Now does this mean one should skip the BB and just read the twenty four hour book? To each his own. But I too believe the BB should come before any other AA book.

But I also believe just reading one page a day out of the twenty four hour book is an excellent tool for an alcoholic to start their day or read throughout the day.

Hevyn

Justme - I promise it will get better - the memory of those things will dim. People who matter will be happy to see you get well, and they will forgive. Drinking turned me into a stranger - I did many out-of-character things that I can't even believe. Dwelling on those dark times almost led me back to drinking (as Bh28 said) - I had to let them go and focus on getting well. We never meant to let things spin out of control - we are reclaiming our lives and healing. Be kind and patient with yourself. The bad old days will fade away.

Gottalife

No argument that it is not an excellent book, but it is not conference approved and is not sold by AA World Services. It is published by Hazelden, as are a number of other useful books for alcoholics. Our GSO used to sell it but it was withdrawn some years ago for the above reason.

Some groups still use it and even sell it but they have to source it from commercial outlets, making it much more expensive than it used to be.

Shining~Again

Honestly, the only people in my life that I still remember as crazy drunk are the ones who I never saw again, due to them dying.
Maybe I am just odd, but once I see and speak to a person, any former memories get shoved to the back of my mind.
Make your next impression be a sober one. It'll be the newest and strongest memory a person will have of you.

Take care

zvang

story of my relapses .

Para

Justme - i'm so glad you posted this. And I am so glad I found sr! I love it.
I am a blackout drunk, and i'm so sloppy and act totally crazy when blackout drunk. Right now, I'm so embarrassed and wondering how I can right all my wrongs. I'm pretty much a write off with my family, they think I will never get sober. They have zero faith in me now, and i deserve it. But i'm going to show everyone! I know the next few days will be tough, and my family doesn't even want to look at me, but i'm going to give it my all. I want sobriety!

Soberwolf

Congrats on a month Justme

Ken33xx

I have a couple of friends who like to bring up the past. What happened 30 years ago. Now, I don`t mind a good laugh at my expense but do they need to rehash the same embarrassments each time we get together?

Forget it.

I just cut back my visits with them.