What have you realized?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 34
What have you realized?
One of the things that has given me hope so far in sobriety when I want to throw in the towel is the curiosity and excitement of my own emotional/spritiual growth.
I've been reading posts and it seems while drinking, a lot of us have shared a collective feeling of being stuck, or not really living our lives to their fullest potential.
I think that's been the tricky thing about drinking. Even when I have gone through periods of moderation with seemingly few consequences, an internal deep ache emerges. It's like that void in me opens up and the uneasiness and fears in my mind begin building. My fear towards life increases, and eventually I feel myself sliding into depressive thinking. Is this alcoholism?
Today I turned 30. It's also my 48th day of sobriety. It has been intense. Beautiful, fulfilling, difficult, frustrating, triggering, uncomfortable, boring, eye-opening.
I notice after I've worked through hard situations in sobriety that I've been finding that I've been having revelations about certain things. Not even big things at times, but meaningful things nonetheless.
Like today. I've been thinking more and more the withdrawals I used to suffer after a heavy night of drinking. Physically there was fatigue, extreme thirst, lethargy. But it was more of the emotional impact. I never knew that that encompassed withdrawal too. For me, my withdrawal mainly involved an intense feeling of dread, anxiety, and depression which would lead to inability to function (sleeping, missing work, isolating) coupled with intense suicidal thoughts and a deep profound ache that seemed incurable.
Reflecting on this really presented a clear conclusion in my mind that I am an alcoholic. I always thought that meant I would be drinking all day, unable to hold down a job. I never knew alcoholism could look like what I was going through. But it is. I still find myself in denial everyday. Every day I have to address this denial and represent the evidence to myself that I cannot drink. It's a constant reminder. It's getting easier to convince myself why I can't drink. But the denial still remains. I find that baffling. Intellectually I can recognize my alcoholism, but emotionally I am still disconnected from this truth.
What have you all experienced and realized in your sobriety?
I've been reading posts and it seems while drinking, a lot of us have shared a collective feeling of being stuck, or not really living our lives to their fullest potential.
I think that's been the tricky thing about drinking. Even when I have gone through periods of moderation with seemingly few consequences, an internal deep ache emerges. It's like that void in me opens up and the uneasiness and fears in my mind begin building. My fear towards life increases, and eventually I feel myself sliding into depressive thinking. Is this alcoholism?
Today I turned 30. It's also my 48th day of sobriety. It has been intense. Beautiful, fulfilling, difficult, frustrating, triggering, uncomfortable, boring, eye-opening.
I notice after I've worked through hard situations in sobriety that I've been finding that I've been having revelations about certain things. Not even big things at times, but meaningful things nonetheless.
Like today. I've been thinking more and more the withdrawals I used to suffer after a heavy night of drinking. Physically there was fatigue, extreme thirst, lethargy. But it was more of the emotional impact. I never knew that that encompassed withdrawal too. For me, my withdrawal mainly involved an intense feeling of dread, anxiety, and depression which would lead to inability to function (sleeping, missing work, isolating) coupled with intense suicidal thoughts and a deep profound ache that seemed incurable.
Reflecting on this really presented a clear conclusion in my mind that I am an alcoholic. I always thought that meant I would be drinking all day, unable to hold down a job. I never knew alcoholism could look like what I was going through. But it is. I still find myself in denial everyday. Every day I have to address this denial and represent the evidence to myself that I cannot drink. It's a constant reminder. It's getting easier to convince myself why I can't drink. But the denial still remains. I find that baffling. Intellectually I can recognize my alcoholism, but emotionally I am still disconnected from this truth.
What have you all experienced and realized in your sobriety?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Happy birthday Katie!
It is nice to rediscover who we are without the haze of alcohol. The difference is two-fold. Not only are we not intoxicated at night but we're not walking and talking through the the haze of a hangover either. It's like gaining 16 new hours a day.
Congratulations on your 48 days. It only gets better from here. The first 30 are the most challenging.
It is nice to rediscover who we are without the haze of alcohol. The difference is two-fold. Not only are we not intoxicated at night but we're not walking and talking through the the haze of a hangover either. It's like gaining 16 new hours a day.
Congratulations on your 48 days. It only gets better from here. The first 30 are the most challenging.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Originally Posted by Katie1985 
...an internal deep ache emerges. It's like that void in me opens up and the uneasiness and fears in my mind begin building. My fear towards life increases, and eventually I feel myself sliding into depressive thinking. Is this alcoholism?
What have you all experienced and realized in your sobriety?
What have you all experienced and realized in your sobriety?
The language you use to describe your problem (" like that void in me") is interesting because it is so much like the language used by Carl Jung in a letter to one of the founders of AA (involving a former patient of Jung's who was an alcoholic).
If you are interested you can read it here. Dr. Carl Jung's Letter To Bill W., Jan 30, 1961
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by Katie1985
But the denial still remains. I find that baffling. Intellectually I can recognize my alcoholism, but emotionally I am still disconnected from this truth.
What have you all experienced and realized in your sobriety?
What have you all experienced and realized in your sobriety?
There are lots of pithy expressions in AA, which may seem simplistic, but they persist because they express our truth. Here's one: "If you ever forget your last drink, you probably haven't had it yet."
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Happy birthday Katie.
I can relate to pretty much everything you wrote. My fist serious attempt at sobriety ended after four months with me bedridden, unable to function in the world, living in squalor. That, needless to say, was a solo effort. I now see I was suffering from an internal spiritual malady, (ISM) an inability to relate rightly to the world.
On top of that was the drinking situation. I absolutely knew I coudnt drink safely, I had lots a of advice and help to encourage me to stop, but when it came down to it, all the desire, all the intellectual knowledge, all the bad memories, wer just not enought to stop me from doing what I knew I should not do. Terror, bewilderment, frustration, despair just about sums it up. I lacked the necessary power. Every day that ended in disaster had started with the best of intentions.
The dry spells always started ok but progressively the wheels fell off until I was so uncomfortable that drinking began to look attractive. In fact, until coming to AA, booze was the only solution I knew of for this malady.
I am happy to say there is another, better ,solution I found that has worked very well for me and many others. And it seems to be a long term answer.
I can relate to pretty much everything you wrote. My fist serious attempt at sobriety ended after four months with me bedridden, unable to function in the world, living in squalor. That, needless to say, was a solo effort. I now see I was suffering from an internal spiritual malady, (ISM) an inability to relate rightly to the world.
On top of that was the drinking situation. I absolutely knew I coudnt drink safely, I had lots a of advice and help to encourage me to stop, but when it came down to it, all the desire, all the intellectual knowledge, all the bad memories, wer just not enought to stop me from doing what I knew I should not do. Terror, bewilderment, frustration, despair just about sums it up. I lacked the necessary power. Every day that ended in disaster had started with the best of intentions.
The dry spells always started ok but progressively the wheels fell off until I was so uncomfortable that drinking began to look attractive. In fact, until coming to AA, booze was the only solution I knew of for this malady.
I am happy to say there is another, better ,solution I found that has worked very well for me and many others. And it seems to be a long term answer.
July 4, 2014
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 97
Happy birthday, Katie!
"One of the things that has given me hope so far in sobriety when I want to throw in the towel is the curiosity and excitement of my own emotional/spritiual growth."
This is what keeps bringing me back to the desire and thus journey to/of sobriety. I know too well the feeling of being stuck in addiction... What I want to know more of is the discoveries of sobriety -- those about me, my fellow man, our evolution (spiritually speaking).
What type of cake did you have?
"One of the things that has given me hope so far in sobriety when I want to throw in the towel is the curiosity and excitement of my own emotional/spritiual growth."
This is what keeps bringing me back to the desire and thus journey to/of sobriety. I know too well the feeling of being stuck in addiction... What I want to know more of is the discoveries of sobriety -- those about me, my fellow man, our evolution (spiritually speaking).
What type of cake did you have?
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Katie1985
Even when I have gone through periods of moderation with seemingly few consequences, an internal deep ache emerges. It's like that void in me opens up and the uneasiness and fears in my mind begin building. My fear towards life increases, and eventually I feel myself sliding into depressive thinking. Is this alcoholism?
What have you all experienced and realized in your sobriety?
My thoughts and emotions were were unmanageable as a result of not-drinking.
I was truly caught between a rock and a hard place. It was not until I started treating the ISM component of alcohol-ISM that I started feeling comfortable in my own skin again. I have to actively work at attracting equanimity into my life each day. Not-drinking will never do that for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I didnt really accept the fact that i was an alcoholic till i was sober for about a year. my drinking I felt was never a problem for me. whiel it might have bothered others around me in my mind it was not a problem for me. Oh sure i had panic attacks or this or that but again not issue in my head. the longer i stayed sober the more I realized just how much my drinking was a problem for me.
July 4, 2014
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 97
Even going just a few days I can relate to this notion of thoughts and emotions being more manageable. It's really quite weird... What, during the pinnacle of a bender might really wreck me (thought or emotion wise) can easily be thought through and reasoned with sober. It fascinates me! Truly!
Originally Posted by Boleo
That's what I call the ISM of alcohol-ISM. The suffering and insanity that goes on when we stop drinking.
My life was unmanageable as a result of drinking.
My thoughts and emotions were were unmanageable as a result of not-drinking.
I was truly caught between a rock and a hard place. It was not until I started treating the ISM component of alcohol-ISM that I started feeling comfortable in my own skin again. I have to actively work at attracting equanimity into my life each day. Not-drinking will never do that for me.
My life was unmanageable as a result of drinking.
My thoughts and emotions were were unmanageable as a result of not-drinking.
I was truly caught between a rock and a hard place. It was not until I started treating the ISM component of alcohol-ISM that I started feeling comfortable in my own skin again. I have to actively work at attracting equanimity into my life each day. Not-drinking will never do that for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 4
What I have realized with living with this curse called alcoholism, is that it is a disease that has developed due to the combination of my genetic makeup and the conditioning influences learned in my younger years. We have no control of whom our parents are, no control of the DNA influences of our ancestors and how we will be reared as children. And just like hypertension, diabetes, heart disease etc. this is a disease unvoluntarily passed on to us. So, the big question at some stage becomes; "how do I keep this disease from killing me?" For some of us, that becomes the most important question in our life, because if you don't come up with the right answer, this disease will kill you...period. The positive side of this disease is that it will force you to do extensive soul searching to find the right answer. You might be pleasantly surprised at what you find in that search!
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 58
My biggest realization in my short time sober (12 days) is that I was *really* sick at all times either from intoxication or withdrawal. Prior to the last 12 days, I had not had a good night's sleep, or a clear head, or a body without pain/tremors in decades!
With a clear head, I see my alcoholic actions more clearly and am appalled.
So in summary, I realize now how much alcohol was poisoning both my body and mind.
With a clear head, I see my alcoholic actions more clearly and am appalled.
So in summary, I realize now how much alcohol was poisoning both my body and mind.
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