Sobriety is destroying my marriage???
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Yep I went through the same thing although it took awhile to start causing problems. When I first quit we went through a "honeymoon" period where she was glad I quit. But after awhile she realized that I didn't need to be taken care of and she had lost the control in the relationship. That caused some major problems for us that honestly never got worked out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 1,742
It's unfortunate your husband is acting intolerant of you.
My situation is a bit different...more like aaSharon's post.
My "family unit" is falling apart in sobriety (I wonder how frequently this happens?). If there's a silver lining, it's the general lack of hostility over its demise.
I know divorce can be an ugly scene, so I'm grateful for the lack of drama going toward my own.
My husband has adopted a laid-back attitude toward it which at times confounds me, quite frankly. I mean, it would be nice to see an emotion, an expressed desire to keep trying, but it is what it is (a new, favorite motto of mine) and we are who we are.
As my h says, no use beating a dead horse. And our lifestyles are changing, or rather, mine is changing. He's still drinking. I can no longer go out with him and commence to drink for hours at the local bars. So there's a lack of commonality in our marriage which was booze.
He's not angry; I'm angry at times, but working through it. And there you have it; divorce, American style.
Good luck to you and your spouse as you work through your issues. Even through all this upheaval, my sobriety is so worth it!
My situation is a bit different...more like aaSharon's post.
My "family unit" is falling apart in sobriety (I wonder how frequently this happens?). If there's a silver lining, it's the general lack of hostility over its demise.
I know divorce can be an ugly scene, so I'm grateful for the lack of drama going toward my own.
My husband has adopted a laid-back attitude toward it which at times confounds me, quite frankly. I mean, it would be nice to see an emotion, an expressed desire to keep trying, but it is what it is (a new, favorite motto of mine) and we are who we are.
As my h says, no use beating a dead horse. And our lifestyles are changing, or rather, mine is changing. He's still drinking. I can no longer go out with him and commence to drink for hours at the local bars. So there's a lack of commonality in our marriage which was booze.
He's not angry; I'm angry at times, but working through it. And there you have it; divorce, American style.
Good luck to you and your spouse as you work through your issues. Even through all this upheaval, my sobriety is so worth it!
Last edited by Carpathia; 03-20-2015 at 11:39 PM. Reason: Perfectionism
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
It is a constant work in progress for me, getting over the fact that no one is going to give me a medal for getting sober. I was truly shocked to learn that my wife didn't seem to care about my sobriety. I was sure that it would improve our marriage but it most certainly did not. I guess in some ways my drinking was like a coat of armor that protected me from the resentment, condescension, and sarcasm that are so prevalent in my relationship with my wife. Now the armor is gone and the fight in me is also gone. I have surrendered. I stay because getting divorced would be too hard on my young kids.
I had never thought about her losing a big lever on me because of my sobriety but now that I do it makes a lot of sense. It must be very frustrating.
I had never thought about her losing a big lever on me because of my sobriety but now that I do it makes a lot of sense. It must be very frustrating.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 99
Thank you everyone. It sounds like my experience is very much like what many of you went through.
Add this: I was asleep for so long, and now that I am awake, I am learning that he is no angel. He is doing, and has done things, that I am now learning about. It's funny how you think the sober one is "the good one".
Do I forgive and try to get HIM help now? Do we change roles? At this point, I just want him out of the house and out of my life.
Thanks.
Add this: I was asleep for so long, and now that I am awake, I am learning that he is no angel. He is doing, and has done things, that I am now learning about. It's funny how you think the sober one is "the good one".
Do I forgive and try to get HIM help now? Do we change roles? At this point, I just want him out of the house and out of my life.
Thanks.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
I have to agree with Shil. My xabf is in rehab right now for 18 months, court mandated. When he first sobered up we were together and parted so that he could "concentrate on himself". No worries, I'll clean up the mess you left behind shall I?
I don't know about Codie people, but I was jubilant at the thought of him taking charge of his life and affairs. What pissed me off was now that he was sober, he got preachy. So I started talking to him and treating him like I would anyone else who was now on my sobriety level and totally present for the conversation. And he didn't like it one bit.
Yes, the dynamic has changed. There is a lot of repressed anger. If many had taken no control there would have been evictions, job losses, kids neglected etc. etc. if you want to make it better, PROVE yourself with your actions. If you're only "working ur program" in the rooms or with recovering friends and not at home, we resent the living hell out of it.
Many have lived with the chaos alcoholics bring for YEARS. Being sober for a few months doesn't erase that pain. Good for you, but that means bean all the the people who were abused first by the alcoholic then by "programs" built for alcholics that want to teach them that they too are "powerless" and have a "part" in the disease. bollocks. We all have the power of choice. If they are Codie, that's their program to work. Go over to friends and family and read the number of people that have PTSD from living with an alcoholic. If they're only angry, you're lucky.
Don't blame ur loved ones for "letting you drink". Unless they pour it down ur throat thats on you. And you know you would have done it with or without them. That's a no win for sober partners. If an A drinks and we say nothing, it's watching a suicide. If they beg for beer and we say "no" it's a fight. Buy the beer and you're enabling and Codie. Don't buy the beer and suggest that they are killing themselves and destroying their homes you're "controlling". Btw. About this "controlling" would somebody like to tell me what in flames of hades we could have controlled? My xabf did what he wanted, when he wanted. If we could control, this forum would not exsist. Drugs and booze controlled him until the state of NY controlled him.
I have an eating disorder and just because my bf used to bring home tons of food, that doesn't mean he was responsible for my midnight binges. But I was angry at him for bringing it. DENIAL.
I think, and correct me since I've never been an A, the most damaging thing a non A can do in helping an A, wether is from control or love, is to rob them of their dignity of helping themselves. Which is a mistake I will never make again.
I don't know about Codie people, but I was jubilant at the thought of him taking charge of his life and affairs. What pissed me off was now that he was sober, he got preachy. So I started talking to him and treating him like I would anyone else who was now on my sobriety level and totally present for the conversation. And he didn't like it one bit.
Yes, the dynamic has changed. There is a lot of repressed anger. If many had taken no control there would have been evictions, job losses, kids neglected etc. etc. if you want to make it better, PROVE yourself with your actions. If you're only "working ur program" in the rooms or with recovering friends and not at home, we resent the living hell out of it.
Many have lived with the chaos alcoholics bring for YEARS. Being sober for a few months doesn't erase that pain. Good for you, but that means bean all the the people who were abused first by the alcoholic then by "programs" built for alcholics that want to teach them that they too are "powerless" and have a "part" in the disease. bollocks. We all have the power of choice. If they are Codie, that's their program to work. Go over to friends and family and read the number of people that have PTSD from living with an alcoholic. If they're only angry, you're lucky.
Don't blame ur loved ones for "letting you drink". Unless they pour it down ur throat thats on you. And you know you would have done it with or without them. That's a no win for sober partners. If an A drinks and we say nothing, it's watching a suicide. If they beg for beer and we say "no" it's a fight. Buy the beer and you're enabling and Codie. Don't buy the beer and suggest that they are killing themselves and destroying their homes you're "controlling". Btw. About this "controlling" would somebody like to tell me what in flames of hades we could have controlled? My xabf did what he wanted, when he wanted. If we could control, this forum would not exsist. Drugs and booze controlled him until the state of NY controlled him.
I have an eating disorder and just because my bf used to bring home tons of food, that doesn't mean he was responsible for my midnight binges. But I was angry at him for bringing it. DENIAL.
I think, and correct me since I've never been an A, the most damaging thing a non A can do in helping an A, wether is from control or love, is to rob them of their dignity of helping themselves. Which is a mistake I will never make again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 26
Agree with Ducky ..
How about: Just because the A is now sober for a few days does not mean the HORROR which they've created while drinking magically disappears for those who had to live with it.
Perhaps, when the A comes out his/her coma - he/she is just now becoming AWARE of what's been the reality of the life around them.
My XABF would stay clean for a day and expect that to mean things should be GRRREAT. What about the life I've been taking care of while you're GONE somewhere (physically or emotionally). Not so easy to flick the smiles and rainbows switch after that.
IDK.
How about: Just because the A is now sober for a few days does not mean the HORROR which they've created while drinking magically disappears for those who had to live with it.
Perhaps, when the A comes out his/her coma - he/she is just now becoming AWARE of what's been the reality of the life around them.
My XABF would stay clean for a day and expect that to mean things should be GRRREAT. What about the life I've been taking care of while you're GONE somewhere (physically or emotionally). Not so easy to flick the smiles and rainbows switch after that.
IDK.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Been on both sides, and I agree that things just don't get magically "better" when we stop drinking. My spouse was good and angry at me for over a year and much of it for good reason.
Alcoholics cause a great deal of damage to their families--sometimes lifelong damage--especially to children who grow up with the drunk doing their selfish crap.
I was "trained" to be a codie by my alcoholic mother, so the damage done is generational.
Harm has been done, and it takes much honest soul-searching and forgiveness and
truth as evidenced in long-term action for healing to occur.
Patience is needed on all sides. . .
Alcoholics cause a great deal of damage to their families--sometimes lifelong damage--especially to children who grow up with the drunk doing their selfish crap.
I was "trained" to be a codie by my alcoholic mother, so the damage done is generational.
Harm has been done, and it takes much honest soul-searching and forgiveness and
truth as evidenced in long-term action for healing to occur.
Patience is needed on all sides. . .
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Thank you Hawkeye and congrats on the SOBRIETY! That's caps lock sobriety because it's the key to life. I can hear it in your post. Not just abstinence, real clarity. I pray my x gets there, but I know enough now to realize how far away it is for him though the last chemicals left his system in dec.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 99
Hi Everyone. I have another little update. We went to a couple's meeting last night. It's called RCA - Recovering Couples Annonymous. It was pretty cool and when we got home, my husband finally expressed feelings that he has held inside for a long time, so positive all the way around.
Not sure what the future will bring but I feel good that we are both willing to try to make it work!!! My hope is renewed. :-)
Not sure what the future will bring but I feel good that we are both willing to try to make it work!!! My hope is renewed. :-)
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by TryTryAgain 
Not sure what the future will bring but I feel good that we are both willing to try to make it work!!! My hope is renewed. :-)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 9
Try Try Again, I'm happy for your sobriety and it is wonderful to know you are happier than you have been in decades. And I can say this not even knowing you. I really believe that each relationship has a special dynamic. When that changes, such as you did by becoming sober, the other partner feels threatened. Maybe your husband doesn't understand his role in the marriage with you now sober. I know a person who is a lifelong drug user. Whenever he gets clean, his wife acts in the same manner as your husband. This is because she felt needed as long as he was a user.....he would crawl to her for forgiveness, etc., But when he was uplifted and not on drugs, he spent time at the gym and doing healthy things. You'd think she would be happy, but it really pissed her off. Communication is the key here, so I'm not sure how open you and your husband are with brutal honest communication, but you need to find out why he is not sharing in the happiness of your sobriety and bringing you down. I'm sorry you are going through this, but congratulations on your happiness despite what is going on in your marriage.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I see many new faces in the alcoholism forum - welcome 
please do share your experience - but unsolicited negative opinions on other peoples recovery methods are against our rules and are only going to get this thread shut down and posts pulled - and none of that helps the OP at all.
Please remember rule 4
Thanks guys
Dee
Moderator
SR
please do share your experience - but unsolicited negative opinions on other peoples recovery methods are against our rules and are only going to get this thread shut down and posts pulled - and none of that helps the OP at all.
Please remember rule 4
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Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by gaffo
It is a constant work in progress for me, getting over the fact that no one is going to give me a medal for getting sober. I was truly shocked to learn that my wife didn't seem to care about my sobriety. I was sure that it would improve our marriage but it most certainly did not. I guess in some ways my drinking was like a coat of armor that protected me from the resentment, condescension, and sarcasm that are so prevalent in my relationship with my wife. Now the armor is gone and the fight in me is also gone. I have surrendered. I stay because getting divorced would be too hard on my young kids. I had never thought about her losing a big lever on me because of my sobriety but now that I do it makes a lot of sense. It must be very frustrating.
I am the wife of an A. And these would be some of my thoughts. I don't know your situation. But thought having insight into the spouse of an A might help. If my Stbxah ever sobered up and acknowledged all of the hurt and chaos he and his drinking caused and truly sincerely apologized and showed me he was thankful I had stuck around through all of that. I would think that was amazing and it would go really a long way to help our marriage and my recovery in the situation. This is just my opinion and I know it was unsolicited. But I thought it might help your situation. I applaud your sobriety and I applaud you staying in the marriage. Too many people in this scenario take the easy way out and leave.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I am glad you have some renewed hope! It seems like the key in getting through a marriage with someone in recovery, is BOTH people being willing to recover, let go of blame, and putting themselves in eachothers shoes.
I've seen a few LOVELY "we made it" stories, and in all cases, both the alcoholic and non alcoholic spouse were in recovery, and then counseling. Hard work, but damn what an inspiration! Congrats on your sobriety BTW!
I've seen a few LOVELY "we made it" stories, and in all cases, both the alcoholic and non alcoholic spouse were in recovery, and then counseling. Hard work, but damn what an inspiration! Congrats on your sobriety BTW!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Nyc
Posts: 13
3 weeks sober today. I find myself not Having any interest in talking to my wife. If we didn't have a child together I'd leave her pronto. We been together since 18 and I'm 36 at this point. Not sure how it will end but I hope something happens. Formthe sake of the child .
I'm hoping it not just her, but the resentment over the years built up, and booze help me cope with it my own way, but now that I'm sober, I won't be taking any **** from her that I don't like. I felt neglect all this time, and now it shows in spades what I'm dealing with.
I'm hoping it not just her, but the resentment over the years built up, and booze help me cope with it my own way, but now that I'm sober, I won't be taking any **** from her that I don't like. I felt neglect all this time, and now it shows in spades what I'm dealing with.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Carlotta
With that kind of attitude? Probably in divorce if she has any sense.
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